Take Time to Notice the Sound of the Crashing Waves
Being home in Virginia Beach feels different after this past year. I used to see Virginia Beach as a place of warmth: the ocean just ten minutes from my house, sun seems to constantly shine, everything bright and happy. Now, I see Virginia Beach as dark, cold, suffocating. I dread coming home to the place that swallowed so many of my friends and peers in such a short amount of time. I find myself anxious and apprehensive at home. I don't want to hang out with anyone (after all, they are just reminders of high school... before the damage was done). I don't want to drive down the familiar roads. I barely want to step outside my house. Though my house is just as scary and suffocating at times. I feel bad because my mom can't seem to understand why I don't like coming home as often, why I'm eagerly counting down the days until J-term break is over. Everything is just so much harder here with reminders of the deceased and my unhappiness everywhere... simply suffocating me slowly.
A nice distraction from all of that is my confusion and worry over Josh. I told myself that after Keith, I'd give myself a break from the opposite sex. Take it easy and just do my own thing. Afterall, this IS me we are talking about, so of course that mindset didn't last more than an hour or so. Josh and I's meeting was completely random and not the best story to brag about, but ever since that first night we met, we've done an excellent job of "starting over the right way." We talked nonstop for about a week straight. We quickly learned most everything about each other. We had an actual date (something I haven't done in... I can't even remember how long!). We cuddled during the date and he gave me butterflies. I put up physical boundaries, boundaries which he kept to and respected. Factor in exams, exhaustion, and J-term break and there you have the equation for something bad to happen. I'm trying not to freak out or overthink. He's just coming out of a relationship and I'm just coming out of things with Keith. I'm hoping time will heal us both from our pasts so that there is some real hope for something great between us. I'm not holding my breath though, I tend to have terrible luck with guys.
The only good thing about being on break, a break which none of my VB friends share, is that I have plenty of alone time to do nothing, but sleep and READ! I have missed reading so much. The other day, Kathleen came over and we both just laid on the couch and read for hours. It was great. I forgot how amazing it felt to get lost in the pages of a good book. I'm determined to finish New Moon before I leave for ECU on Friday. (Yes, I'm reading the Twilight series, judge away haha).
Over Christmas break, I went down to the oceanfront with a bunch of new friends during the late hours of the night. While they all frolicked and took pictures and went crazy, me and Zack (one of my new friends, but ultimately a complete stranger until this point) stayed back and sat down on top of the cool sand. We looked out into the dark abyss of waves and sky. In between conversations, we stopped momentarily to note the beautiful sound of the waves crashing. It felt cliche for a moment, like a scene from some romance movie. However, it was then that I realized that for once, I was the one in the romance movie, spending a romantic night watching the waves with an attractive, friendly new guy that fate happened to introduce me to on that wonderful, clear night. I was the girl wearing the guys jacket because he gave it to her after she shivered from the night breeze. I can honestly say I have never experienced something as perfect as that. For once, I felt infinite. I felt invincible. Those are the rare nights that I feel like life is worth living for, despite all the usual bullshit. If only those moments came around more often.