Fragile
I feel like writing. I'm not really sure what about, but I figured if I just started typing what I want to say will come out.
I realized this weekend that I have finally found my true friends at Macon, the friends that are most like me and the type of friends that I am comfortable around all of the time. I'm really excited because I had been waiting for a year and a half to find a group of friends like that. They still can't even begin to compare to my group of friends from home (I love you guys!!) but it's really wonderful, regardless. I have so much fun with them and they are becoming like a second family to me.
I have also realized that the whole Keith situation has really messed me up. I really wish I hadn't gone to his room last week. I wish we had left things the way they were because at least then, things between us were civil... even friendly. Now, I just have so much bitterness and resentment and hatred for him and the way he used me. It also makes everything so much harder with me and his frat brothers. I got so close to so many of the brothers and now my friendships with them have all changed. One of his brothers keeps trying to talk to me and get involved with me and I have trouble letting him in because of Keith. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable when Josh and I kiss knowing that until recently he referred to me as "Keith's girl." It just feels dirty for some reason. It's ironic that all throughout last semester being with Keith, I never fully trusted him. Then last Friday when we were together again for the first time in a month, I finally trusted him. I let my guard down completely and almost allowed myself to make a huge mistake. I finally trusted him and he was completely deceiving me and using me and playing me. I'm really good at picking guys, aren't I?
After being so fucked up over Keith, I'm just trying to relax and have fun and not worry so much about getting involved with anyone. Unfortunately, now that I don't want anything serious, I have about four guys who are constantly texting me, trying to hang out with me, wanting to kiss me and be intimate with me. Another unfortunate fact is that I'm very easily tempted. It's a bad mixture. I'm ready for J-term break so that I can clear my head and be left alone for a little while.
A boy at my school was killed in a car accident Friday night. I saw him around school fairly frequently and we were facebook friends, but I didn't really know him. I'm just really baffled by the amount of young people dying around me lately. I have been to so many funerals and cried so many tears over the loss of my friends this year and after all of that, and after talking with a counselor, I finally hurt less, but I'm still so sad. Sad to see people being snatched up from this place in the blink of an eye at the youthful ages of 19 and 20. They still had so much life to live. It's just strange. I always thought being old must suck because your peers are old too and dying all around you. Come to find out, that can happen at any age. You never know when you're going to lose someone. Life really is so fragile.
I realized this weekend that I have finally found my true friends at Macon, the friends that are most like me and the type of friends that I am comfortable around all of the time. I'm really excited because I had been waiting for a year and a half to find a group of friends like that. They still can't even begin to compare to my group of friends from home (I love you guys!!) but it's really wonderful, regardless. I have so much fun with them and they are becoming like a second family to me.
I have also realized that the whole Keith situation has really messed me up. I really wish I hadn't gone to his room last week. I wish we had left things the way they were because at least then, things between us were civil... even friendly. Now, I just have so much bitterness and resentment and hatred for him and the way he used me. It also makes everything so much harder with me and his frat brothers. I got so close to so many of the brothers and now my friendships with them have all changed. One of his brothers keeps trying to talk to me and get involved with me and I have trouble letting him in because of Keith. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable when Josh and I kiss knowing that until recently he referred to me as "Keith's girl." It just feels dirty for some reason. It's ironic that all throughout last semester being with Keith, I never fully trusted him. Then last Friday when we were together again for the first time in a month, I finally trusted him. I let my guard down completely and almost allowed myself to make a huge mistake. I finally trusted him and he was completely deceiving me and using me and playing me. I'm really good at picking guys, aren't I?
After being so fucked up over Keith, I'm just trying to relax and have fun and not worry so much about getting involved with anyone. Unfortunately, now that I don't want anything serious, I have about four guys who are constantly texting me, trying to hang out with me, wanting to kiss me and be intimate with me. Another unfortunate fact is that I'm very easily tempted. It's a bad mixture. I'm ready for J-term break so that I can clear my head and be left alone for a little while.
A boy at my school was killed in a car accident Friday night. I saw him around school fairly frequently and we were facebook friends, but I didn't really know him. I'm just really baffled by the amount of young people dying around me lately. I have been to so many funerals and cried so many tears over the loss of my friends this year and after all of that, and after talking with a counselor, I finally hurt less, but I'm still so sad. Sad to see people being snatched up from this place in the blink of an eye at the youthful ages of 19 and 20. They still had so much life to live. It's just strange. I always thought being old must suck because your peers are old too and dying all around you. Come to find out, that can happen at any age. You never know when you're going to lose someone. Life really is so fragile.