I can't fucking take it...

[moonstar11]

OK, I know reading her lj is stupid and is just going to make me mad.  but i can't help it.  I am sorry, but he was with me for so long. It took us a year + to reach the point where we were talking seriously about marriage, and shes got him doing it in 8 months?  Doesn't anyone else think thats weird?  Doesn't she think its weird that he's ready for that step again so soon?  Everytime I thikn I am over him, everytiime I think I've had enough, I just can't make that last transition and I go running back.  He's always there to catch me too, which makes it so much worse.  I am scared of what would happen if I got the nerve to run, and then turned back to find he wasn't there.  He's always there.  He doesn't say the things he used to.  Its not like he's still telling me he loves me like he was or even that he misses me.  But the fact that I'm not welcome in richmond.  The fact I have to probably miss my best friends birthday because he's closer to charlotte.  The fact we even still talk when we both would probably rather not.  Just ugh.  He knows how hard this is for me.  I know how hard it is for him sometimes, especially when their unhappy.  I want to give him back the pearl.  I want my CDS, i want to burn his picture, and erase my memories.  eight months, you'd think this would get easier.  I know i never had true feelings for anyof the guys I've been with since.  I thougth I could love sloan.  I know now it was just displacement.  The one I want is the one who catches me.  even now.  After everything.  He still knows what to say.  She got my anniversary and the love of my life.  But I don't know what hurts more or who wil lhurt more.  I don't know if it hurts more now that its over. Or if it hurts more to be her, knowing that I'm still as big a part of his life.  If I were her I wouldn't want me anywhere near him.  I wonder if she knows...

I'm over locking my journal.  The people who want to read it or even bother, know these things. You all know how dramatic I am.  You all know most of my history which I'm not getting into now.  I'm over being in love with him.  I'm not...  I'm not over what we had or the fact he still worries about me and still wants to protect me, because I obviously don't know how to take care of myself.