Religion...Or spirituality rather.
I remember a time in my life when I couldn't fall asleep without praying. I was at the impressionable age of 12-14, and it probably had to do with the Bible-thumping school I went to for 7 years of my life. Nonetheless, it provided me with such comfort, such peace. I remember thanking "God" for everything good and positive in my life, counting all my blessings, and asking him to tweak the things that maybe weren't so perfect. The moment I would finish my prayer, I'd instantly drift off into sleep.
I wish I had some semblance of that left in me.
But as I get older, and learn more about the world, it becomes increasingly harder to believe in any sort of deity, any sort of "higher power" (although when I look up at the night sky or at the mountains, I am still taken aback by wonder and awe, leaving me with a sense that there must be something greater out there).
When I was 12 I would have laughed in your face if you told me evolution was true. I thought God answered every prayer. I thought abortion was murder. In our youth, we are so easily molded. So easily swayed by the constant drilling of "THOU SHALT NOT, DONT, YOU WILL GO TO HELL IF..." When I graduated from the radical school I was immersed in for a good part of my life, I finally started to "see the light", if you will.
Evolution is the only thing that makes sense. Please go to the zoo and take a look at the chimps. Then tell me we didn't evolve from them. Thanks. How can any ONE religion be true? You've got the Christians, the Jews, the Muslims, etc. saying they are the only way. C'mon people! How can a God of love cause all the suffering of the world? Makes me feel like if there was one, he simply put us here to have a laugh and fuck a lot of people over. Sure, the conservative Christians out there will argue that we brought all this "torment and sorrow" on ourselves with our SINFUL ways, but I refuse to believe that a God of love could ever bring about as much wrath as we have seen as human beings. Yet, despite the horrors that come with living, I still maintain that life is an amazing and beautiful thing. I love being alive. I love getting up every morning to see the sun rise and set. I love all the emotions we are capable of feeling. I love being in love. I love being a part of nature. I love life. Simple and True.
During difficult times, though, is when i find myself wishing I had some sort of religious or spiritual support. Some higher power to lean on. Something to make me less afraid, less anxious. I have had a strange couple of weeks, being in the hospital, not really knowing what's going on inside of me, and it's fucking scary as shit. I admit, I am a big coward. I don't have the KICK ITS ASS personality at all, and I think it's making the situation worse. I try to think positive but I can't shut my brain off. Nursing school hasn't helped either. Since I now know almost EVERYTHING about certain drugs (side effects, complications, etc), and a lot about certain diseases and their manifestations, all this knowledge is becoming a torture, a burden to bear. Because I can't just turn that shit off. It's there, haunting me everyday. It's bad enough that my family has a tendency toward hypochondria, but this nursing medical shit is making it incredibly magnified for me right now. I don't know how to deal. I don't know how to let go. I wish I could go back to the time when I used to pray every night before falling asleep, to get some sort of reassurance that everything was going to be OK. I wish I could ask for healing. I wish I could cleanse my body of all the negative energy in it right now, but I'm not sure how to do it.
I wish I had some semblance of that left in me.
But as I get older, and learn more about the world, it becomes increasingly harder to believe in any sort of deity, any sort of "higher power" (although when I look up at the night sky or at the mountains, I am still taken aback by wonder and awe, leaving me with a sense that there must be something greater out there).
When I was 12 I would have laughed in your face if you told me evolution was true. I thought God answered every prayer. I thought abortion was murder. In our youth, we are so easily molded. So easily swayed by the constant drilling of "THOU SHALT NOT, DONT, YOU WILL GO TO HELL IF..." When I graduated from the radical school I was immersed in for a good part of my life, I finally started to "see the light", if you will.
Evolution is the only thing that makes sense. Please go to the zoo and take a look at the chimps. Then tell me we didn't evolve from them. Thanks. How can any ONE religion be true? You've got the Christians, the Jews, the Muslims, etc. saying they are the only way. C'mon people! How can a God of love cause all the suffering of the world? Makes me feel like if there was one, he simply put us here to have a laugh and fuck a lot of people over. Sure, the conservative Christians out there will argue that we brought all this "torment and sorrow" on ourselves with our SINFUL ways, but I refuse to believe that a God of love could ever bring about as much wrath as we have seen as human beings. Yet, despite the horrors that come with living, I still maintain that life is an amazing and beautiful thing. I love being alive. I love getting up every morning to see the sun rise and set. I love all the emotions we are capable of feeling. I love being in love. I love being a part of nature. I love life. Simple and True.
During difficult times, though, is when i find myself wishing I had some sort of religious or spiritual support. Some higher power to lean on. Something to make me less afraid, less anxious. I have had a strange couple of weeks, being in the hospital, not really knowing what's going on inside of me, and it's fucking scary as shit. I admit, I am a big coward. I don't have the KICK ITS ASS personality at all, and I think it's making the situation worse. I try to think positive but I can't shut my brain off. Nursing school hasn't helped either. Since I now know almost EVERYTHING about certain drugs (side effects, complications, etc), and a lot about certain diseases and their manifestations, all this knowledge is becoming a torture, a burden to bear. Because I can't just turn that shit off. It's there, haunting me everyday. It's bad enough that my family has a tendency toward hypochondria, but this nursing medical shit is making it incredibly magnified for me right now. I don't know how to deal. I don't know how to let go. I wish I could go back to the time when I used to pray every night before falling asleep, to get some sort of reassurance that everything was going to be OK. I wish I could ask for healing. I wish I could cleanse my body of all the negative energy in it right now, but I'm not sure how to do it.