Quick Mama Post
During my pregnancy I contemplated raising a boy vs raising a girl. I came to the conclusion that in many ways I'd really rather have a girl than a boy - at least I could anticipate some of her potential hurdles and life problems. A boy would be a whole new set of problems, entirely different to the ones I faced growing up, and ones the wicked fairy didn't face until he was already an adult. Neither of us has any idea of how to go about helping a small boy navigate complex social relationships from a feminist, progressive perspective, without estranging himself from everyone else he knows, his own age.
Then Morgan was born, and before he was even out of the ICU, the gender-stereotyping began.
"Oh, he's lazy. Boys are lazy", my mother declared, re: his refusal to comply with our attempt to turn him.
Yes, Mum. Because laziness is totally linked to the Y chromosome.
"Boys are always trouble!" My Nan exclaimed, over the same thing.
Oh, I'm sorry - I thought it was my mother, your daughter, who turned up in your Catholic neighbourhood, pregnant at sixteen? What, that wasn't "trouble"?
People keep assuming Morgan's a little girl when we're out with him, wrapped in his purple swaddling cloth and rainbow striped jumpsuit (it's kind of fun to play with their heads and respond to their queries of "what's... um, your baby's name?" with a straight "Morgan" and watch them squirm around straight-out asking "boy or girl?" One day I'll get brave enough to answer this question with a deadpan "Would you like to check?" because really, what does it matter at six weeks old? Are people THAT fixated on using the appropriately gendered adjectives? Obviously so.)
Angry Black Bitch wrote on which is more 'difficult' over at Shakesville today.
And Anji at Mothers For Women's Lib wrote earlier this month about raising her own little boy.
And, unrelated to these, Mamazine has an interview with Judith Stadtman Tucker with this sterling piece of advice:
What advice would you give to a friend pregnant with her first child?
My first piece of advice would be to burn that dog-eared copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting. You never know what to expect when you go into the labor and delivery room, and no amount of reading and instruction is going to prepare you for how powerful and humbling the experience of childbirth is. So just forget about the damn birthing plan- well, don't forget about it, but just be aware that there is very little about the process of giving birth you can actually control. This is just as true if you're giving birth at home or in a high-tech hospital setting. A better guidebook for first-time mothers would be titled Expect the Unexpected or Go With the Flow.
I'd also tell her that it's OK if she doesn't feel overwhelmed by love for her baby the moment she lays eyes on her, or if she finds breastfeeding less than transcendently blissful, or if she really would just like someone else to take care of everything- including the new baby- for a few weeks while she gets some rest. I'd say there are many ways to be a good mother, and every mother has to learn to tune out the chatter of canned parenting advice and figure out for herself what her way is. And I'd say that motherhood is really hard and sometimes scary when your children are small, but it does get better and easier as they get older. I'd also tell her to try to find other mothers, either in her community or online, who won't judge her or try to shut her down when she tries to speak her truth about motherhood. And I'd tell her if she finds it difficult to balance paid work and motherhood, it's not because she's doing something wrong, it's because our society is doing something wrong.
Then Morgan was born, and before he was even out of the ICU, the gender-stereotyping began.
"Oh, he's lazy. Boys are lazy", my mother declared, re: his refusal to comply with our attempt to turn him.
Yes, Mum. Because laziness is totally linked to the Y chromosome.
"Boys are always trouble!" My Nan exclaimed, over the same thing.
Oh, I'm sorry - I thought it was my mother, your daughter, who turned up in your Catholic neighbourhood, pregnant at sixteen? What, that wasn't "trouble"?
People keep assuming Morgan's a little girl when we're out with him, wrapped in his purple swaddling cloth and rainbow striped jumpsuit (it's kind of fun to play with their heads and respond to their queries of "what's... um, your baby's name?" with a straight "Morgan" and watch them squirm around straight-out asking "boy or girl?" One day I'll get brave enough to answer this question with a deadpan "Would you like to check?" because really, what does it matter at six weeks old? Are people THAT fixated on using the appropriately gendered adjectives? Obviously so.)
Angry Black Bitch wrote on which is more 'difficult' over at Shakesville today.
And Anji at Mothers For Women's Lib wrote earlier this month about raising her own little boy.
And, unrelated to these, Mamazine has an interview with Judith Stadtman Tucker with this sterling piece of advice:
What advice would you give to a friend pregnant with her first child?
My first piece of advice would be to burn that dog-eared copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting. You never know what to expect when you go into the labor and delivery room, and no amount of reading and instruction is going to prepare you for how powerful and humbling the experience of childbirth is. So just forget about the damn birthing plan- well, don't forget about it, but just be aware that there is very little about the process of giving birth you can actually control. This is just as true if you're giving birth at home or in a high-tech hospital setting. A better guidebook for first-time mothers would be titled Expect the Unexpected or Go With the Flow.
I'd also tell her that it's OK if she doesn't feel overwhelmed by love for her baby the moment she lays eyes on her, or if she finds breastfeeding less than transcendently blissful, or if she really would just like someone else to take care of everything- including the new baby- for a few weeks while she gets some rest. I'd say there are many ways to be a good mother, and every mother has to learn to tune out the chatter of canned parenting advice and figure out for herself what her way is. And I'd say that motherhood is really hard and sometimes scary when your children are small, but it does get better and easier as they get older. I'd also tell her to try to find other mothers, either in her community or online, who won't judge her or try to shut her down when she tries to speak her truth about motherhood. And I'd tell her if she finds it difficult to balance paid work and motherhood, it's not because she's doing something wrong, it's because our society is doing something wrong.