[fic] Waking Up from a Bad Dream (part 1)

[moon_catcher]

Surrounded by a familiar buzz of the last minute adjustments just before the concert would start, Kame felt like being twenty and debuting all over again.

He had never forgotten the excitement coming along with this. With being in the backstage of the sold-out Tokyo Dome just a few moments before the beginning of a show. The tingling sensation itching in the tips of his fingers, breathing quickened to the verge of panting aligning every single jerky breath with his racing heart. The sweat and the chills. The anxiety.

He took a deep breath.

It was almost there. Almost within his reach, and it felt like coming back home after years spent on a faraway, gloomy place.

After all those years it was almost some kind of an inborn reflex by now. - He might have displaced it for a while but could never forget. - It was something essential, something he might be able to exist without but not live. The thrilling anticipation flooding his body every time he waited for the cue to go up to the stage was something he needed to feel alive. - Now he knew he had been actually dying the whole time and now was being born all over again. - Being here brought back memories of everything that had happened, the good and the bad, big and small things and moments he would never forget despite wishing for some of those to vanish of his mind - yet at the same time, he wouldn’t have been where he was now without all the pain and hurting.

It was a new start today.

Tonight.

Tokyo Dome was going to give him a new chance. To all of them.

Kame swallowed thickly, and once again checked his costume and the mic attached behind his ear, longer strands of his dark hair covering it. He was trying to convince himself there was no actual reason to be nervous. In the past, there had been dozens, hundreds of nights like this one.

And yet, tonight was different from all those from before in a lot of ways.

It was his fifteen-year-old self over again, eager and giddy about things that were new and never experienced before. Impatient to have it all. It was the little, anxious yet excited at the same time, boy inside his head again, not the composed, serious man the years of hard work and self-denial had gradually turned him into. The calm, collected professional was gone, giving way for the diligent, scared boy.

However, Kame was not fifteen anymore.

Blood was thumping against his temples.

Someone was talking in the background, the voices muffled yet excited, words coming in rushed torrents, and all he could catch was a word or two every now and them. He didn’t care though. Everything felt more like a hazy dream than like a reality to happen in any minute.

And then it was really time to give the people out there what they had come for tonight.

The rest of the guys lined up, waiting for the last signal before going out onto the stage to meet the limelights and the screaming of the fans gathered in the Dome. The auditory was bubbling in anxiety; they had been waiting for this moment for so long, already losing hope.

Kame felt a hand on his shoulder, a ghostly memory of many years ago when Akanishi Jin had given him a wide, encouraging smile while poking his back and pushing him forward into the lights of their first concert as the debuted group.

We are K-A-T-T-U-N!

Kame remembered. Everything.

And tonight, he was going to get new memories.

“WE ARE K-A-T-T-U-N!” The words thundered somewhere above his head when the darkness around him exploded in a bright light, and Kame had to blink at the sudden glare. His breathing got faster and his heart was pounding in his chest again. Deafening screaming of thousands of fans followed, piercing his eardrums, and it was the greatest feeling of all. He took a deep breath and uncomplainingly, willingly succumbed to the moment, to the place, to the first tones of Real Face, and to what had always been meant to be his life.

His blessing.

His curse.

The hand from before was still on his shoulder, fingers clenching and slightly rubbing. Comforting and promising everything would be fine. Like it had always been.

Kame didn’t need to turn his head aside to see the one standing right next to him.

The one meant to stand there…

Always.

The stir in the hall was growing, getting louder and wider. The audience turned into a dark field of signs and uchiwas with printed faces over them, and flashing lights, flicking in anxiety. The fans started singing…

And Kame knew his lines as well.

His fate.

***

In his dreams, Kazuya could fly.
His body was soaring in the darkness high above the stunned heads of the full theatre. He felt their admiring gazes following him wherever he moved. Every now and then, someone cried out his name but the voices melted into nothing but a hazy echo, drowned in music and his own singing.
It was easy to fly in the world behind his closed eyelids, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks.
His little realm of everything-is-possible.
In his dreams, he didn’t need any strings to pull him up from the ground. He could fly up on his own, breathing freely and savoring the view in the depth of the hall under him. Dark and illuminated with tiny flickering lights. Thousands of heads flung back, following each and every one of his fluent, graceful moves. Thousands of voices screaming in glee whenever his body daintily swung in the above.
In his dreams…
... Kazuya could do anything.

***

It was already almost midnight when a plane from New York finally reached Narita and the passengers surged out into the arrival hall. Many of them had someone waiting for them there, friends or family members, partners. The place came to life with people meeting each other and others searching the crowd for familiar faces. It was yet another moment in the line of similar moments having happened in the hall in the course of the day, week…month; the scenes of arrivals repeating each other over and over again with every plane landed.

People couldn’t notice the repeating aspects though; all of them being in rush to get out of the airport and finally reach their homes or whatever destination was waiting for them in Tokyo tonight.

A little girl with hair trimmed into short pigtails was standing by her mother’s side while the woman was exchanging a couple of greeting words with her just returned husband. Holding a doll tight in her arms and blinking sleepily around her, the girl noticed a young man exiting the nearest gate. Her look flicked up to her parents then back to the nearing stranger whose face was hidden behind dark sunglasses, his features hardly clear or noticeable as an oversized hoodie was hanging loose on him and its hood was pulled down into his forehead. What caught the girl’s attention right away though, were the shiny orange sneakers the man was wearing. She liked the color; her tired eyes automatically followed each and every one of the hasty steps the man took. A simple sport bag was dangling over his shoulder.

He must have spotted her; her among all the colorful bustle around, and while passing by her spot, he raised a hand, the one that was not holding the bag at place, and pushed the glasses a bit down his nose, so the girl could see his dark, gentle, somewhat tired yet sparkling eyes. She gave him a sheepish smile and buried her face into the soft hair of her doll.

Then the stranger was gone, lost in the crowd and her mother’s hand caught her own while her father kneeled in front of her and gave her the brightest smile ever. Nothing else mattered anymore now, when she had her father home again.

Only later, when she was finally lying in her bed, in the darkness of her room with balloons and teddy bears printed on the walls, she remembered the orange color of the shoes she had seen tonight. Sleep got her in a few minutes though, turning the memory of the little airport encounter into a picture of an orange juice river and her doll playing in the middle of a field of chocolate and candy flowers, with her father culling marzipan blooms for her…

She didn’t see the morning newspaper with a blurred picture of the man in the orange shoes on the front page. She was too young to know who she had met with or to actually care any more. She wasn’t even born yet when everything had started.

***

Jin Akanishi stepped out of the airport building, right into a chilly September night. The glass sliding door behind him clapped together, as if cutting off his only way back. He didn’t notice. Didn’t care. He could always turn around and go back in the end, anyway. He could do anything.

He closed his eyes, not out of tiredness this time though.

Once again breathing the air of Tokyo shouldn’t have felt different from breathing anywhere else. However, it did. As if the air in Japan wasn’t the same as everywhere else; the ocean being a thick wall separating not only the grounds of two different continents, but everything.

Jin tugged at the lapels of his leather Louis Vuitton jacket, pulling them up to shelter himself from the midnight breeze. The cotton hoodie underneath could hardly protect his body warmed up from the heated plane board he had left a while ago. He would have taken a sooner flight to avoid the night cold not being for his manager who had insisted on a meeting with some guys from Warner Music. The meeting, as well as Jin’s return to Japan, was the last minute appointment. Jin hadn’t actually got the point of the meeting at all, lacking the fact he was, for one reason or another, called up back to Japan without as much as an explanation, and the American management had needed to set a plan for the time of his absence. No one had bothered to tell him what his sudden departure to Japan meant, and honestly, this little detail would have been making him fucking anxious if he hadn’t been so damn tired by now.

There was still the chance it was nothing but a little whim from the old man and that Johnny-san just wanted to personally congratulate him on his recently released album and a single that had topped every chart possible.

Over the last five years, it wouldn’t have been the first time Johnny-san wanted to meet Jin face to face and appreciate his hard work.

Along with Yamapi, widely better known under his given name ‘Tomohisa’ in the world of show business nowadays, who was currently conquering Europe with his brand new album and one of those huge shows full of pyrotechnic effects and water tricks and complicated dancing with an unmistakable sign of Johnny’s Entertainment written all over, Jin Akanishi was Johnny-san’s biggest success outside Japan. The old man had all the reasons to be proud of Jin, and Jin knew it.

A few couples of curious eyes were peeking his way and Jin was quite sure that some of those people had actually recognized him despite his disguise. He was known for his style after all. He wouldn’t be surprised to find himself on the front page of some tabloid the first thing in the morning, hooded and impossible to be distinguished, yet labeled with big shining characters of his name for everyone to buy the issue and know about his surprising return.

Jin took his phone out of a pocket and checked the number of missed calls and incoming mails.

Most of them were from his manager, reminding him of the meeting in the jimusho set up for the next morning; two were from Reio and Jin just rolled his eyes, skimming through the lecturing about watering plants in the living room and taking care of the mailbox, similar to those his brother had been sending him the last three days; Shirota had sent him a link Jin wasn’t going to open on public, just in case; and Ryo had once again apologized for not picking Jin up at the airport due to his tight schedule, yet had confirmed his previous promise about dropping by Reio’s apartment just on time to take Jin to the jimusho in the morning.

Jin had sold his apartment after moving to the States completely two years ago, and was now going to stay a couple of following days at Reio’s. Just to get his business here in Japan done - and obviously, to play Reio’s servant, watering his damn flowers and not letting his mailbox overflow. A temporary thing, nothing more. His life was now overseas and he liked it that way. Reio would have to find someone else to take care of his damn weed and a brochure-stuffed mailbox.

With Jin’s whole staying in Japan going to be a temporary business, there was no need to rent an apartment. Especially with Reio being out of the city for a couple of days. Jin sleeping on Reio’s couch was a mutual benefit indeed.

A taxi stopped in front of him and Jin got in, slipping into the front seat and giving the driver the address of Reio’s apartment.

Tiredness was quickly taking over him again and he didn’t have strength to fight it anymore.

The radio was tuned in to a station playing Western music and Jin wasn’t really surprised when exactly two blocks later he heard his own voice coming out of the speakers. The driver started humming the melody and hiding his pleased smirk, Jin turned his head to a side, meeting his own reflection in the window. The night streets were glistering brightly on the other side. The city never slept.

It kind of felt familiar. Just slightly.

Letting out a silent sigh, Jin was watching his breath steaming over the glass. His view turned hazy for a moment and he pushed away the sudden random thought of drawing a smiley face onto the fogged window. Then the shining lights all around him were back as if nothing had happened. And Jin closed his eyes.

***

His phone started ringing way too soon; to the point Jin actually doubted he had ever fallen asleep when he had dragged his drowsy feet up the stairs to the fourth floor and had finally shut the door of Reio’s apartment behind his back. He had thrown himself onto the couch in the small living room, sleep taking over him even before his body landed on the cushions. It wasn’t only about the jet lag, though the yesterday’s flight over a couple of time zones was to be blamed a lot indeed; Jin hadn’t slept too much in the last few weeks in general, because of all the activities coming along with releasing a new single.

Jin blindly reached for the phone and pressed the answering button without checking the ID. Feeling the morning light dancing behind his eyelids, he preferred to keep his eyes closed for a few more minutes.

“Where are you?” Ryo’s unmistakable voice roared from the speaker and Jin pulled the phone away.

“Nishikido… It’s fucking early.” Groaning, Jin rubbed his face with his free hand and finally blinked into the bright morning. He stretched his legs and felt the tensed muscles protest. Only then Jin really realized the uncomfortable position - and place - he had spent the night at, and having had Reio a pillow lying on the couch, Jin would have buried his face into it to muffle another frustrated groan.

The morning slightly resembled one of those he had found himself in all the time ago after wild nights with Pi and Yu and…

Ryo chuckled into the phone. “No, it’s not. ‘Early’ was fifteen minutes ago when I got here. Now it’s just the right time for you to get your ass ready or we’ll be late. I will be late and then will have to kill you.”

… Ryo.

Jin mumbled a few incoherent curses.

“And open the goddamn door or I’ll break them down! The whole neighborhood must already think I’m a psycho anyway.”

Despite Ryo’s grumbling and threatening, it took another five minutes before Jin dragged himself to the door and somewhat remembered where the keys had ended as he didn’t find them hanging in the lock. Ryo’s voice was bitching at him through both the door and the phone to keep him awake and impel him to “hurry the fuck up”, however, Jin didn’t really mind whatever Ryo was saying.

“Took you long enough!” Ryo’s greeting came along with a teasing punch into Jin’s chest as he forced his way into the apartment the moment the door finally opened. He had just had enough of shuffling his feet on the doorstep mat in front of Akanishi’s temporary residence. The memory of the last time Ryo had been to Reio’s apartment was kind of blurred as a result of all the alcohol he had drunk there, celebrating Jin’s success overseas and throwing a sort of a goodbye party before Jin had left Japan back then. Of course Jin had been visiting every now and then even after the memorable night, but things had been different. He no longer had been home in Japan.

Jin slammed the door and rubbed the spot Nishikido had poked at. An offended pout twitched his lips in an attempt to demonstrate how annoyed Jin was by his friend’s manners. Ryo didn’t notice anything though, curiously scanning the small foyer. After yet another vain try to catch Ryo’s attention and make the other feel pity for him, Jin puffed out and gave up.

“My inner clock still works with New York time. Not my fault.”

“Just because you actually have an excuse for once doesn’t mean you aren’t a pathological lazybones in the morning,” Ryo remarked without looking at Jin. He could imagine the face Jin did after hearing him anyway, and it made him snicker. Jin was way too easy to pick at. And Ryo didn’t even need to be in his best form - which he wasn’t just now anyway, after getting a too little of sleep the last night and having been busy the last few days, getting ready for recording a new album and carrying out his other duties.

Being a part of the agency’s currently most exposed group was both exciting and exhausting at times. Lately, the latter had been prevailing without any doubt. Especially with Yamapi being abroad and thus unable to help Ryo once in a while.

Instead of replying, Jin shook his head and waving a slack hand, disappeared in the bathroom to get himself into a somewhat human-like condition. First of all, he found a new, still packed toothbrush in a drawer under the sink and replaced his morning breath with something more pleasant and smelling and tasting of menthol, then proceeded to the shower, soaking himself under the stream of water for more then fifteen minutes. Only now, washing off the yesterday’s flight, Jin was slowly once again becoming aware of his surroundings and about being in Japan. He stepped out of the shower unit and glimpsed his reflection in the mirror above the sink.

The proofs of a little of sleep were dark under his eyes. And his hair needed either a new cut or a band to keep it in a ponytail.

Jin shook off the temptation of going back to bed - or couch. He hadn’t come to Japan to rest, that was for sure. Now, he only had to find out the real reason.

When he finally came out of the bathroom, a fluffy towel wrapped low around his hips and a typical cheeky grin all over his face again, there was a more than possible chance Ryo would have punched him again for not understanding the meaning of “hurry up or we’ll be late”. However, he was lucky this time. He found Ryo comfortably sitting in the living room and flipping through pages of a newspaper. And it really wasn’t a surprise when Ryo closed it the moment Jin stood in the doorframe and lifting it up, showed Jin the front page.

With Akanishi’s name printed across the page.

“That’s a ‘welcome back, Akanishi Jin’, I guess,” Ryo grinned, closing the newspaper and tossing it onto the coffee table in front of him.

Jin didn’t say a word, swallowing the first comment his mind had automatically come up with. He was most definitely not to be welcomed home. Even his US manager had been talking about three days, a week at the very most. And people didn’t call him Akanishi Jin anymore. He went by a simple Jin or Jin Akanishi if someone insisted on formalities. Eventually, instead of words, a scoff escaped his mouth and Jin reached for the tabloid, not really interested in the article though; just half-heartedly curious about the crap they had come up with to vindicate the publishing of the photos of him.

The attached text wasn’t anything Jin wouldn’t have been expecting it to be. Just a very short report about him being spotted at Narita in the early morning hour, with a bag and dark shades to hide himself, hooded and in a hurry to avoid unnecessary attention. He grimaced, remembering his suspicion of someone taking a picture of him at night. Watchful people and their cell phones, the worst enemies of personal space and privacy.

Jin hadn’t been through the whole article yet when Ryo snatched the newspaper, giving him an impatient look.

“Hey!”

“What? I have a shitload of work today and I’m not gonna be late just because your ego loves front pages,” Ryo grumbled. “Get yourself ready, I’m leaving in five minutes. With or without you.”

Jin pouted, eyes sadly flicking to the paper being crumpled in Ryo’s hands, the blurred night picture of him disappearing in folds. “I still haven’t found out what they think I am here for.” Speculations were always the best part of those articles.

“With Pi in Europe, you are here for partying with me and Yu, getting wasted and proving all the preaching bitches once again right. Being idols is all about booze and fucking after all, exactly like they say.” Ryo snorted and shook his head, obviously annoyed by even having to say those words aloud. And Jin wasn’t really surprised to hear them. As if it wasn’t always the same corny litany they had already known all too well. Every time Jin got to Japan, the press naturally assumed it must have been for clubbing with his infamous Troop. In their eyes, Akanishi had most probably nothing else to do.

“You better get some booze for tonight then,” Jin remarked matter-of-factly, already halfway to the corner he had randomly thrown his bag at night. “I’m here for a couple of nights at most and I’m planning to comply with everyone’s expectations to see my reckless and undisciplined acting as always.” There used to be times Jin had hated all the lies press had kept making up about him; mostly because those gossips always affected his family to a certain extend, and also because he used to believe he had to comply with the picture of him the press had created. Those times were gone now though; and he could laugh at them. He could laugh at everyone because no matter the crap they were throwing at him, he was living his dream, and that was more than any of the pitiful scribblers could say about themselves.

Still grinning, Jin fished some clean clothes, a simple t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans, and quickly putting everything on, sent Ryo a bright, kind of wicked smile, and after also hiding his still wet hair under a thick woolen beanie, Jin was ready to go.

Ryo got up, adjusting his clothes with a few fast smoothing touches. “I’ll have to read about your recklessness and indiscipline on tomorrow’s front pages though,” he said, taking his way to the door.

“Wait, what?” Jin followed the other, frowning. Rejecting an offer to party, no matter how indirect it could have been, was nothing like Nishikido Ryo. Not even if there had been the first day of a concert tour or filming a new drama or any other shit of that matter, the Ryo Jin knew wouldn’t have spent the night elsewhere when his best friend was visiting the town.

“I have a place to be tonight, sorry,” Ryo shrugged. “We can go tomorrow and everything is on me?”

“What place?”

“What?”

Jin quickly locked the door and caught Ryo already taking the stairs down. “What is so important for you to be there tonight when I am here? Can’t you just make a call and excuse yourself?”

“Full of yourself as always. Sorry, no excuses,” Ryo mumbled. His fists hidden in the pockets of his jacket unconsciously clenched. He should have kept his mouth shut, damn.

“Who is she?” Jin wasn’t going to give up just yet. “Do I know her? Don’t make me wait for tomorrow’s tabloids, Nishikido!”

Ryo didn’t want to talk about his engagement for the evening. His plans were none of Jin’s business, and Ryo knew better than sticking his nose into issues that were not his to talk about them. So in the end, Ryo just flashed Jin a sheepish smile. “It’s not important.”

“If it’s not important, you can call it off.”

“I can’t,” Ryo sighed.

“I could stalk you.” Jin quickened his steps and aligned them with Ryo’s, slightly nudging his friend once they were at the same stair. “I know all the tricks necessary so you wouldn’t even notice me being around.”

“Really?”

“No doubt about it. Paparazzi keep following me all the time so I got to learn some of their stunts. And,” Jin emphasized, obviously proud of himself, “I’m quite good at it.”

Ryo didn’t protest. There was a chance he could turn Jin’s attention away from tonight to something else eventually, as Jin’s focus was not the steadiest one to begin with anyway. And as much lame as a possible talk about Jin’s ability to take blurred pictures from dubious angles could sound, it was still better than Ryo having to explain the other his plans.

To Ryo’s relief, Jin’s wasn’t digging into the topic anymore once they had exited the building. Such a sudden change, though, naturally had Ryo suspicious about Jin’s possible future attack at a moment Ryo would be expecting it the least.

They drove to the jimusho, talking about the time they hadn’t seen each other or hadn’t had time for calls or mails. Ryo mentioned Pi a few times, always making sure to stress their friend went by ‘Tomohisa’ now as both Jin and Ryo had got to love teasing the third, currently absent, one with his actual stage name. Making fun of Yamapi was amusing even when the other wasn’t around and couldn’t fight back, because they both knew him well enough to be able to imitate his objections and protests no matter what.

Only while pulling the car already into a parking lot, Ryo noticed how Jin sitting next to him sank a little into the seat. But Jin didn’t say a word and Ryo didn’t ask, so in the end, they parted promising each other a call and dinner the following evening, and Jin didn’t have to explain his a bit weird vacillation and tension.

The truth was, Jin always felt a little uneasy when coming to the jimusho. The whole building, every wall and every step, the white paint all around, were incessantly reminding him of the fact he used to be a part of it, a part of everything. Until he had decided to put a stop to the annoying walking the chalk line all the times.

Ryo took a different direction right after they had left the elevator and Jin was left alone.

Passing the hallway all by himself, just occasionally meeting a face he should have, or might have, as well as not, remembered, yet another ridiculous fear was slowly creeping up Jin’s spine. He had been always avoiding such thoughts, however, after getting too little of sleep and having no clue why he was there, Jin didn’t have the power to push the nagging feeling away this time.

He didn’t want to come back. Ever. After seeing the world and spreading his wings as an artist overseas - a successful one above all -, the hallways of the jimusho didn’t seem to be enough anymore. The idea of a return was unimaginable, and Jin shook his head to get rid of it right away.

This was just temporary, Jin reminded himself and suppressed a yawn.

***

“Akanishi?”

The voice was faintly familiar and Jin turned around, the shreds of expectations in his head fitting together to create the final picture even before he saw the face of the approaching man. It was not that he was avoiding all contact with his former band, not at all. He still kept a sort of friendly relationship with Nakamaru, the two of them were meeting almost every time Jin came to Japan; and Ueda had found a strange liking in sending Jin random mails about nothing and everything. Neither Nakamaru nor Ueda had ever mentioned the rest of the guys though, and Jin had never asked.

Taguchi hadn’t really changed in the course of years, and that was information enough for Jin to never put on an attempt to contact the other.

Jin had never been really friends with Koki so one wasn’t expecting him to ask anyway, and as for Kamenashi… as much different the story of the two of them might have been at first, the end was the same as with Koki. They hadn’t talked other than work-related for longer than Jin could remember. And gradually, it had become easier not to talk outside the work at all.

After Jin’s leaving, their polite, awkwardly cold conversations had ended as well. He hadn’t heard about Kamenashi Kazuya for two years; even Jin’s closest friends had respected the unspoken agreement about not talking about him.

Jin slightly bowed, failing at masking the emotional mess flinching in his face after realizing there had been no chance for him to slip from at least a small conversation with Ueda. The other was already too close. Jin could hardy escape unnoticed this time, unlike many other times when he had come to the jimusho during his previous visits. The timing had been always strangely matching with KAT-TUN’s obligations at the other side of the city so perfectly that it couldn’t have been a coincidence. If Jin had learnt to understand something during his life in the entertainment industry, then it was the basic fact that men like Johnny Kitagawa never did things at random. And if his boss had kept him and KAT-TUN away from each other so far, there must have been a reason, as well as in Jin running into Ueda today.

It took an awkward moment of thick silence before Jin swallowed the lump in his throat and finally spoke up.

“Hi,” the simple word was accompanied by a little waving gesture of Jin’s hand.

He might as well be just paranoid. He reminded himself, yet again, about the lack of sleep he had suffered from lately, added the memory of how jumpy and edgy he had been earlier with Ryo just because the other hadn’t shared his whole schedule with all details with him.

“So it’s really you,” Ueda nodded pensively, hands in pockets and eyes flicking between the floor and Jin in the manner Ueda usually put on in front of cameras, to avoid any direct eye contact with the screen. “We were already kind of wondering whether they would call you. Or when.” Ueda shrugged and passed by Jin, heading to the door at the end of the hallway.

That was when Jin realized that their steps were aiming at the same place, Johnny’s office.

“It was probably just a matter of time in the end.”

A deep frown sprung up on Jin’s forehead. There was something he was not getting. The previous bad feeling crept back and sent a shiver down Jin’s spine. He even noticed his voice was slightly quivering when words finally found their way up his throat.

“What are you talking about?”

Jin didn’t really understand the inquiring side-look Ueda gave him, and he didn’t get any answer because they reached the door and Ueda knocked. A way to avoid an uncomfortable explaining. Jin had to fight the urge to find his phone and call Ryo to ask him what the fuck was going on and why Ryo hadn’t told him anything. Jin had all fucking rights to mentally prepare himself for things to come.

There still wasn’t any certainty that something was wrong of course; however, Jin had learnt to trust his instincts and they were now screaming in alarm.

They entered the office and the creeps Jin had been trying to despise and laugh at for how ridiculous they actually had been earlier, were back, only stronger and gnawing up from the pits of his stomach shrunk in growing panic.

It was not only Ueda; also Nakamaru and Koki had been already sitting side by side on a couch in Johnny’s office. They seemed to be entangled in a hushed talk, with Koki providing most of the talking part while Nakamaru was silently listening to every word, nodding approvingly every now and then. They looked up at the same time, hearing Ueda’s greeting, and the somewhat happy expressions froze on their faces when their eyes met not only their band mate but also the familiar figure standing next to him.

“Akanishi…” Koki grimaced.

“Jin is here!?”

Jin winced at the shrieking voice coming from behind the still opened door. The next moment, Taguchi’s grinning face, not really changed over the course of years, still radiating the well-known carefree and happy nature of the one behind it, appeared right in front of Jin, stepping out of the unintentional hideout behind the door.

“Yes, I’m here,” Jin grumbled. For a moment, he had been seriously worried Taguchi would have thrown himself around his neck, but the other’s beaming stopped at the nick of time as if at one’s command. A silent sigh of relief escaped Jin’s lips and he looked around, confused and anxious. His mind was unconsciously counting… and then reached the result.

Kamenashi.

Kamenashi was missing.

Or was late for this unexpected reunion party.

Unwittingly, Jin glanced over his shoulder, checking the empty hallway he had left behind. The Kamenashi Jin remembered might have been a little late due to his tight working schedule.

However, the only one eventually coming in was as far from an idol and a fashion icon as possible. Jin would have lied telling that he hadn’t been surprised each time visiting and finding Johnny Kitagawa still alive and able to not only still run the business but keep the agency on the top. The mix of Johnny’s smart leadership, unfailing nose for either talented boys, or those with a potential to grow up into girls’ fantasies, and most probably a miracle had managed to stop the hands of time, and where everyone else had felt a gradual decrease of the interest and popularity in the quickly changing society, Johnny’s boys were still gracing covers of magazines and tv stations were going all out to have any of them on their shows.

Junno joined Koki and Nakamaru on the sofa, and Jin sensed Ueda slightly bowed next to him when Johnny-san was passing by to take his seat behind the desk, scanning the faces of all of them. His eyes lingered on Jin a little longer than on the others; which wasn’t really surprising. He must have been seeing them on a more or less regular basis after all, while Jin was a rare guest.

“Good morning,” Johnny greeted them and waited for their polite replies before speaking up again. “Ueda-kun, Akanishi-kun, have a seat. There’s a lot to discuss today…”

Ueda followed right away, sitting onto one of the padded chairs standing in the room.

Jin found himself unconsciously counting the seats around and came to a rather confusing conclusion that if Kamenashi hadn’t been to sit on someone’s lap or stand after coming in, there wouldn’t have been a place for him.

“Anything wrong, Akanishi-kun?”

Jin hesitantly approached the last vacant chair and grazed the leather pad with the tips of his fingers. “No, sir.”

“Good. In that case, we can start.”

Koki nervously fidgeted; the silent rustling caught Jin’s attention. He knew Tanaka well; better than he would have wanted actually. As much as Jin didn’t like the idea, the two of them had grown up together, seeing each other almost everyday, spending long hours of rehearsals and even longer hours in the backstages of various halls and domes, waiting for their performance. Until this moment, Jin had believed he had successfully pushed the memories somewhere deep into his mind where all unnecessary crap was stocked, but obviously, his subconsciousness decided to remind him how itchy Tanaka could be while nervous and with something uneasy ahead.

“And Kamenashi?” Jin asked before giving the idea a second thought.

Old instincts and habits were quickly taking over; the instincts and habits which Jin believed had been long forgotten - the instincts and habits telling him there couldn’t have been a work related meeting without the unofficial KAT-TUN leader…

Fuck it!

Jin shook his head, feeling like smacking himself. One could hardly call this a meeting regarding KAT-TUN because he was here as well. And he had nothing to do with the group anymore. God, he hadn’t even shared a stage with either of them in the last couple of years.

Despite all the catastrophic scenarios from all the time back then when Jin had gone solo, the world hadn’t come to its end just because the six of them hadn’t been singing together anymore.

By all Jin’s meaning, actually, the world had become a much brighter place on the contrary. For him for sure.

A series of different reactions followed after his sudden and unexpected question, and Jin didn’t have really a chance to catch and digest them all.

He yet noticed the deep frown crossing Johnny-san’s already enough wrinkled forehead, as well as Junno’s whimper was hard to miss. However, Jin stayed unsuspecting of both the wide-eyed look Ueda exchanged with Nakamaru and the twitch in Koki’s face. There was something he didn’t know; something that was making all of them feel uncomfortable.

And the something was connected to Kamenashi Kazuya.

Jin’s eyes travelled along the room in a search for the first one to open his mouth and finally tell Jin what the fuck was going on.

“You didn’t tell him?” Koki whispered, leaning in to Nakamaru and muffling his voice as much as possible, yet not enough.

Maru slightly shook his head, slowly looking at Jin with fearful eyes. Among all of them, Nakamaru had stayed close with Jin the most. They had met occasionally, and sometimes had called each other. However, despite the quite numerous occasions, there had never been the right moment to actually talk.. Their conversations had been light and friendly; they had been avoiding all topics related to their works as much as they could.

“And when exactly, mind telling me?” Maru hissed back at Koki and broke the intent eye contact Jin had been trying to keep with him.

Ueda was taking a breath to save the moment and quickly give Jin the picture of the current situation. He was well aware that he could have - or actually should have - informed Jin before. In one of the random mails he had been sending Jin every now and then. He should have at least mention the accident that had happened two years ago, however, for one reason or another, he hadn’t. At first, he had been as shocked as everyone else and succumbing to Johnny-san’s orders to keep everything in secret had been the easiest thing to do. And gradually, Ueda had convinced himself that there hadn’t been need to bother Jin with info about Kamenashi’s condition because someone else - Nakamaru - must have already done it, and if Jin hadn’t been the one to start about it, Ueda had taken it as a hint Jin hadn’t cared.

Now though, Ueda understood that Jin hadn’t known. No one had told him and like that, Jin had been unaware of what had happened.

“Ehm…”

“Kame is not a part of KAT-TUN anymore,” Taguchi blurted out with his usual lack of sense of good timing or the feeling for the right moment to keep his mouth shut.

Jin’s eyes widened and he wasn’t aware of the little gasp he made.

“Don’t exaggerate, Taguchi,” Nakamaru said quickly.

“But it’s true,” Junno insisted, and Jin suddenly found himself in a weird position of someone just standing and watching form a distance, not really involved in the scene uncoiling in front of him; “we haven’t really had any activities as KAT-TUN since Kame is gone. We may not like it but Kame is not coming back and Jin being here means…”

“The hell it means,” Koki snapped and only Johnny’s ostentatious coughing stopped him from adding more harsh words. Koki’s face flushed. “I’m sorry, sir.” The grumpy tone of his voice was signaling he wasn’t sorry at all though; only polite and keeping his temper. “I just don’t think that withdrawing Kame-chan from the group is for the best -”

Nakamaru poked Koki to make him stop. Whatever the reason for them to gather here was, it surely had a little to do with lecturing their boss about how to run his own, successful, business.

Nakamaru could, and did, understand well what had led Koki to flame up like that.

He and Kamenashi were friends. Always had been, one way or another. And even if Kame had kept his distance lately, which was actually an inferable way of acting after everything he had been through, Koki was not the type to forget the friendship he cherished so much.

However, Nakamaru’s understanding wouldn’t have been any smaller if they had been eventually told the time of KAT-TUN would have been over and that the time of the final bitter cut had come. No need to prolong the painful agony.

KAT-TUN hadn’t released a single or had another group activity for almost two years, starting Kamenashi’s accident. It was understandable that fans had started to ask around at some point; and some time later, not even all the solo projects the management had been piling up on the four of them, could have prevented also their own questions and doubts regarding the future from rising up. They might have not sat down and discuss it openly so far, however, they had talked about it a lot.

When Ueda and Koki had played together in a drama the last winter. Or when TTN had officially debuted as a temporary unit with a single three months ago. When all of them had occasionally appeared on tv screen as hosts for shows of their colleagues.

When they had met outside the work to have lunch or dinner, or simply enjoy an afternoon together on their day off.

The ‘what will happen’ question had always surfaced sooner or later.

And now they were sitting in Johnny-san’s office.

Save for Kame’s absence and the years in between, the moment slightly resembled the day they had been formed into a six member group. A bunch of young, excited and scared to the same extent boys who mostly hadn’t really known each other. Back then, they had had a little to no idea of what had been the reason for them being called up, despite the rumors lingering in the air. A decade later, there were rumors everywhere around again and yet, they were once again completely clueless about the future ahead.

Johnny-san had waited in a patient silence until Koki’s agitation faded away.

“There’s probably no need to remind you that the situation KAT-TUN, as a group, fell into after Kamenashi’s unfortunate accident is troublesome,” the man said thoughtfully, his voice calm and understanding. “We have waited almost two years but things haven’t changed a bit and it would be a pity to lose a group as popular and successful as KAT-TUN completely. Keeping you on hold forever is unacceptable, especially since Kamenashi’s condition doesn’t seem to improve any time soon. Or ever. After the quite regrettable mistake I made by establishing NEWS as a four member group after Yamashita-kun’s and Nishikido-kun’s leaving for other activities, I’m not going to make the same wrong decision…”

For all Jin knew - because for some fathomless reason Yamapi tended to babble about his former group when being tipsy, as if Jin ever really cared -, Tegoshi and Masuda were a duo now, Koyama had been lucky enough to somehow get his own show to host, and Shigeaki had retired from the entertainment world after publishing his second novel, not able to manage both his singing and writing careers at the same time anymore.

Jin overlooked the room, careful about no one noticing his curious glance, and imagined a four member KAT-TUN five years from now. To his surprise, his head gave him the pictures right away without too much thinking - five years in the hypothetical future, there would be no KAT-TUN. They all had their lives and hobbies outside the music as well, and those would be more fitting with the family lives the guys were to live sooner or later on Jin’s mind.

It had always been like that, Jin realized. Even when they were younger and together. They all had had school or computer games and boxing and stuff while he and Kamenashi had gradually got to have only music, filming, their careers. Jin might have dreamt once about being a professional soccer player as well as Kamenashi could have dreamt big about baseball; however, the entertainment world had sucked them in and tightened the grip around them. Turning all their dreams into this twisted, thrilling need of spotlights and performing.

Lost in straying thoughts, Jin hadn’t been really following Johnny’s words for most of the time the man had been talking. He hadn’t had to after all. This was, obviously, only about KAT-TUN so far. He wasn’t involved in the matter anyhow.

Right?

When Jin’s attention eventually focused on his surroundings again, he found five couples of eyes pointed at him and Taguchi grinning so wide that his mouth was about to chop his face in two pieces.

Jin frowned, his eyes shifty in confusion.

Nakamaru was giving him a concerned, sympathetic look. Right now, Nakamaru might be the only one really understanding the impact and consequences of everything they had heard. The only one able to look at the situation without stirred emotions, maybe even to take some sort of a distance. See the price to be paid for a new start for KAT-TUN as a two-sided toll. All of them were losing something precious to get something else, different, yet to be liked.

Ueda’s face was indifferent.

On their jerky way along the room, Jin’s eyes caught also a glimpse of Koki’s fists clenched tight and pressed into his knees. Koki kept staring at nothing particular lying on the floor under him; and even more than Nakamaru’s expression, Koki’s stupor was hinting that Jin was not going to be happy about what he had missed out just now.

And finally, Taguchi’s bright grin as well as the few pats that landed on Jin’s shoulder was the answer Jin had feared the most.

“Welcome back, Jin! Let’s work hard as KAT-TUN again, ne?”

And this time, Jin had no chance to avoid Junno’s arms wound around him, and ended up in a suffocating embrace, stiffened and paralyzed, silently praying for the bad dream to be finally over and him waking up with a start, sweat trickling down his back and temples. Trembly and at the verge of a heart attack - yet in his bed, in his apartment… in L.A.

He was blank and the slowly sinking realization was numbing.

Nothing but a bad dream…

The only problem was that this was not a dream and Jin wasn’t to wake up any time soon. The less in his bed, in his apartment or anywhere near L.A.

Jin didn’t dare to look up and see Johnny’s eyes observing him from over the table. He already knew what he would have seen there…

“Now, let’s go through the details,” Johnny contentedly clapped his hands. “There’s a lot of hard work waiting for us.”

Jin closed his eyes.

The flap of the old man’s hands sounded like a hit of a judicial gavel sentencing him to the rest of his life spent in prison.

***

“It feels good, doesn’t it?” Taguchi mused when they left the office and found themselves in the hallway, shuffling their feet and for the most, not sure about what to say or do. The only one apparently excited about the shocking news was Junno. “We will be KAT-TUN again!”

In the usual curse of events, the one all hyper over any good news about the group would have been Koki; Koki had grown to love the group despite not wanting to be a part of it at the very beginning and even considering leaving it some time later; and every time a hardship settled down on them, Koki was the first one fighting with all his might to keep everything together. Fans loved him for his devotion.

However, right now, Koki couldn’t be farther away from his trademark enthusiasm.

“Of course not!” he lashed out at squirming Taguchi. “KAT-TUN can’t be KAT-TUN without Kame, and you have heard it just now, Johnny wants to cut Kame-chan off for good after fans get used to seeing Akanishi with us again…”

Jin’s name came out bitter; a spit.

“But if Kame is really not to come back, there’s not another solution. Or would you prefer the group disbanding? I don’t know how about you but I really missed KAT-TUN and I’m glad things are moving now.”

What Junno said was making sense indeed. Sort of. Even Koki knew it, deep down he did understand Johnny’s decision was the right one. Kamenashi, being in the state he was, was not of any value to the business Johnny Kitagawa was running. And in that simple sort of business of making money was not a place for complicated feelings like friendship or caring.

“I’m afraid that Taguchi is right this time,” Ueda sighed. “It’s either carrying on without Kamenashi or break up.”

“But if they could wait already for so long, they could as well give him yet a little more time. Kame is not a type to give up without fighting and I’m sure he could…”

“Cut it out, Koki,” Ueda interrupted Koki’s yet another attempt to vindicate his own beliefs and obstinacy in fighting for his good friend. “He already gave up and that’s the problem. That’s what has led us to where we are now. Kamenashi doesn’t want to be a part of us anymore!”

Koki shot him a sharp look. “Maybe we just haven’t showed him sufficiently enough that we still care for him and want him with us. He may need a push -”

“Bullshit. All he needs is to get up from the damn chair and walk again but that’s not gonna happen,” Ueda shook his head and started walking, suddenly giddy to get away from there and take a deep intake of fresh air. It was getting difficult to breathe at where he was standing, and something was telling him things would get a thousand times worse once Jin would collect himself enough to proceed the new information and demand an explanation.

They should have told him and they hadn’t, cowardly wanting to believe someone else had already done it for them.

Now they owed him the whole story.

However, Ueda was not going to be the one bringing up the truth about why KAT-TUN hadn’t been active in the last two years. Not to Akanishi.

And he was already a couple of steps away when he overheard Jin’s irritated voice. Then Ueda’s steps quickened.

“You should have fucking told me!” Jin hissed at Nakamaru, nudging the other with a little too much of strength which sent Maru against a wall in what seemed like a painful collision.

“JIN!” Taguchi shrieked and Koki rushed over to tear Akanishi from Maru.

“Stop it, you idiot!”

Nakamaru rubbed the hurting shoulder that had crushed against the wall. He was considerate and comprehensive to what Jin must have felt right now; and it wasn’t such a surprise it was Nakamaru who unwillingly turned into Jin’s punching bag. The two of them had been talking on a regular basis and Maru had not even once mentioned Kamenashi’s condition after all. If he had done so, Jin might have had at least a chance to mentally prepare himself for all possible scenarios.

“You should have told me!” Jin repeated, still with the same despair.

“I know. Sorry, Jin…”

“As if you would have listened,” Koki standing right next to him snorted. “You didn’t care at all! You still wouldn’t if it didn’t affect your life!”

Now it was Jin’s turn to snuffle in suppressed fury.

Shouting and anger couldn’t change anything. Both were a good way to release the tension gathered inside them though.

“He didn’t want you to know,” Nakamaru finally admitted, lowering his gaze. “The truth is, there’s only a very few people who know about Kame’s condition. And he wants to keep it that way. Johnny-san managed to keep the press out of it. It’s almost a miracle in this case, I’m telling you. Everybody is more than curious to know what’s with Kamenashi. However, you should know first hand how good the old man is in fabricating credible reasons why his boys temporarily don’t show on public…”

Jin pouted. “Hey! I’m not everybody. I deserved to know the truth! I still do.” Furiously, Jin ran a hand through his messy hair and heavily puffed out. “It’s fucking up my career and my life after all so I have all fucking rights to know the truth!”

When had they cut him out of everything?

When had Kamenashi cut him out of his life?

Maru winced and sent Jin a soothing look.

“The truth? You’ve heard the truth.” Koki wasn’t as understanding though. He shook his head, biting the inside on his cheek and his eyes roaming around. Then his darkened eyes stopped on Jin. “But if you need a recap… Kame-chan can’t walk. He fell down during his stunt in Dream Boys almost two years ago and the sustained spinal cord injury left him paralytic. KAT-TUN’s activities were put on hold until the next step would be decided, after the doctors would be able to tell the final word. Things haven’t been really getting better though and Johnny most probably ran out of patience. As for you being here… I’m really sick of Johnny’s way of thinking - as if KAT-TUN couldn’t be good without you. Damn.” Koki sucked in a sharp breath. “That’s it. As you can see, Kame did everything he could to fuck your career up, you selfish asshole!”

Not waiting for Jin’s shock to settle down, Koki turned around and ostentatiously showed Akanishi the conversation was over by walking away. Taguchi hesitated only for a second, eyes grown into the size of golf balls, and after giving Jin a little apologetic nod, quickly followed Koki, even completely forgetting to say Jin ‘bye’.

“Please, understand that Koki is upset,” Nakamaru said after a moment of silence. “He just…”

“… hates me as always?”

“He doesn’t hate you!” Maru defended his friend.

Jin raised an eyebrow. “Of course he does. He always has.”

“For the record, the only thing he may hate about you is the more than obvious fact that the group he has learn to love so much for some sick reason always seems to be dependent on you - on the only one of us who doesn’t care at all. You leave and come back as you please; and every time we were to continue without you, no one believed we would make it. But we did, in both cases our hard work brought the group back to the top. Then why is it, Jin, that you coming back always looks like we need to be saved by you?”

“I didn’t ask to be back here. Not this time.” Jin shrugged. “You know, you may be right after all. I don’t care.”

Nakamaru nodded pensively. “About KAT-TUN.”

“About KAT-TUN.”

“And about Kame?”

***

Hours later, Jin was sitting on the floor of Reio’s living room. His jacket, beanie and keys were tossed somewhere between the door and the place he had seated himself after returning to the apartment. His back was leaning against the couch and an open bottle of vodka was lying by his side. It was already half empty and Jin had stopped wasting time with pouring the content into a glass before sending it down his throat a while ago, drinking directly from the bottle. At different stages of drowning himself into an alcoholic oblivion, Jin found his phone a several times, at first unfailingly reaching into the pocket of his jacket thrown over the backrest of the couch then more and more just blindly groping around as dizziness was taking over his senses, and tried to call Ryo.

Even though there was nothing much Ryo could tell him; not anymore after everything Jin had heard today.

Jin took another gulp, swallowing heavily and letting the liquid burn down through his system in a vain hope it could have washed away the reality.

This was it.

Only thinking about it hurt now.

This was how his dream was tumbling down and he could only watch the scene of the downfall from afar, not having a single word in it.

This was what many had been predicting him from the very beginning and he had done his best to prove their predictions wrong. And he had fucking succeeded!

He had worked hard to get where he was now, overcoming difficulties and fighting with prejudices, convincing people literally one by one that he was more than just a handsome face with a support of a huge agency guarding his back. But all of it was gone now. His efforts seemed to be for nothing.

The agency had made the decision - and Jin was right where he had been years ago.

Akanishi Jin, the ‘A’ of KAT-TUN.

The only difference now was the precious - and now also painful - experience of freedom in doing things his way, in writing the music he liked, in singing for people who cared.

He had been offered the world and now they were taking it from him. Because they could.

How was he supposed to leave all he had achieved, his career, his friends over in America, his current life, behind and come back to Japan, join the group he had left not only once but actually twice - stating firmly the second departure had been permanent and irreversible; and for the worst, fill in the place for Kamenashi?

Was the world really that sick? Forcing him to give up on everything to become a fucking replacement of Kamenashi Kazuya?

Jin groaned and fidgeted around. The wooden floor was getting uncomfortable, as well as his crouching position. Bringing the bottle up to his mouth again, Jin stretched his long legs and randomly tried to focus on his bare fingers, wiggling the toes. It reminded him of an old image of himself, barefoot and with nails polished black, impatiently waiting for the polish to get dry while Kamenashi was sitting next to him and was repeatedly attacking Jin’s collarbones. In the end, the couch they had been lazily sprawling on had got a few dark smudges and the two of them had ended rolling on the floor with Jin twisting Kamenashi’s hand behind the other’s back. Shrieks and laughter had filled the room.

The memory was suddenly so vivid that it had Jin’s head spin. He hadn’t really thought of the times back then, of him and Kamenashi being carefree and at ease with each other, for longer than he could remember now. The past had faded away gradually with new memories and Jin hadn’t been trying to keep it on his mind at all costs anyhow. Why should he?

It wasn’t worth thinking of it anymore after all.

Or at least that was what he used to think. The memories of the past hadn’t been worth remembering because they hadn’t been to come back.

However, now the past was, apparently, swooping down on him and he couldn’t fight back.

Jin groaned again and after yet another vain attempt to reach Ryo, flung the phone away. As far as Jin Akanishi… damn, Akanishi Jin, was concerned, Ryo could just go and fuck himself for favoring a date with a random chick over accompanying his best friend when Jin needed him. When Jin needed him more than any other time he could remember.

He passed out a half hour later, curled up on the floor, pressed to the couch and unaware of both the pain in his back he was going to suffer from in the morning, and the prickling in his legs that would make every step difficult and uncomfortable for at least a couple of hours…***

(part 2)