[fic] Waking Up from a Bad Dream (part 2)
***
In his dreams, Kazuya could fly.
He was free; floating gracefully high above the heads of the crowd gathered under him, feeling their eyes on himself. His moves were flawless, hands swaying in the gentle melody of the musical interlude before the second act would open, legs firm and stretched as he flew from one end of the hall to the other.
The screaming of the fans had turned into a pleasant buzz in his head.
He closed his eyes only for a shred second, basking in the growing excitement and escalating tones of the music and in the lights and sparkles exploding around him, showering him. Giving him shine even more than he already had.
Then the world he had been born for got a scratch.
Dark. Black.
Deep.
In his dreams, Kazuya was flying…
… and sometimes, when the dream was teetering on the thin borderline of memories, Kazuya was also falling down.
***
I wander about in a maze, trying to escape this grey dream I can’t wake up from
I pray to the rain that’s coldly beating down to wash it all away
I want to feel the flames once again, blazing up red in my heart
***
Following the address Nakamaru had texted him earlier the day - after Jin’s head had escaped from the tight grip of a morning hangover and his mind had been able to recollect the events of the previous day so Jin could start thinking at least a bit clearly, taking one step after another to not go crazy from all the news; and Nakamaru had seemed to be the right person to help him - Jin stepped into an elevator in a new residential block.
Kamenashi must have moved - again.
Jin still remembered the awkward day Kamenashi had invited a few people into his previous apartment soon after moving in. For all Jin knew or could tell from Kamenashi’s acting, the other had loved that place.
And yet, now he had a new one.
The change might have been enforced to get an easier non-barrier approach, Jin realized after noticing a ramp installed at a side of the stairs leading from the wide entrance door to the elevator. His mind yet hadn’t got used to the still fresh news about Kamenashi’s current condition. It took a moment to connect the support ramp and Kamenashi together because in Jin’s memory, the only ramps the other had ever needed were those constructions used during concerts and performances; and god knew Kame had come to using them a lot. For a second, Jin was tempted to touch the control mechanism but then quickly ran up the couple of flat stairs and pressed the button to call up the cabin and got in.
He tried to ignore the others of all the more or less obvious details that were giving away for who had been the place modified.
As much as Jin had tried, after recovering from the worst of headaches he had got himself into with a help of a bottle of vodka lately, he still couldn’t imagine the picture of Kamenashi Kazuya he had heard about from Johnny-san, Nakamaru, Koki and the others the previous day.
Holding himself aloof.
Drowning himself into self-pity, spending the days all alone, refusing to have visitors who would see him pulled down and subdued.
Proud as always and yet, nothing like before.
Sitting in a wheel chair.
The door of the elevator opened just before Jin could have caught himself expanding the thought and realized that he had no idea what the hell had driven him over there, he found himself standing in front of the closed door leading into Kamenashi’s apartment, finger pressing the door bell.
Jin shuffled his feet, discomfort fluttering in his guts.
Maybe he could still jump back into the cabin and get out of there before Kamenashi would answer the ringing. His eyes kept nervously roaming around. The building looked pretty new and maintained well. The hallway was clear and spacious enough; Jin guessed that a person on a wheelchair, for example, would have no problem with moving around. There was no tag with Kamenashi’s name on it on the door - Jin himself used to have none as well while still in Japan, and it had taken him a few months to put one on the door of his L.A. apartment.
For a second, Jin pondered over a thought Nakamaru might have given him wrong instructions and the one opening the door wouldn’t be Kamenashi in the end.
“Come in,” a raspy voice barked from the insides of the apartment then. “It’s open.”
Jin frowned, and the initial reaction was to take a step backwards.
Instead of running away though, Jin took a deep breath, reached for the doorknob and pulled.
Yet being already inside and letting the door close with a silent thud behind his back, Jin couldn’t decide whether or not, and possible how much, he should be afraid.
He was not really ready to face Kamenashi, mostly because he had no idea what he should act like. They hadn’t spoken a word for years now and Jin was suddenly coming over, uninvited and still in shock about the news - which were not news for Kamenashi, of course -, and his mind wasn’t quite cooperative to come up with any smart or suitable reaction. And the hell would he need one in any moment.
Preferably nothing near freaking out or pitying the other.
“I’m in the kitchen,” Kamenashi’s voice exclaimed from the depth of the place; and this time Jin finally recognized its owner. Unlike a moment ago over the closed door, the voice calling at him now was no doubt the same one that used to match so well with his own while singing. “I put your phone onto the shoe cabinet. Mind telling me, how you survived without it? It has been ringing since the early morning.”
A soft chuckle.
The previous frown was back across Jin’s forehead, and his eyes automatically followed the said direction to the simple shoe cabinet made of light wood standing in a corner. Atop of it, a familiar cell was lying, and Jin was left with his mouth open in surprise.
“Ryo…?”
“You hear me? I was asking… Akanishi?”
Jin winced, turned around to a seemingly empty doorframe at first, until his eyes slipped lower and met the shock stricken, pale face of his up-till-recently-former (and soon-to-be-former-again) band mate who was staring at him with bewilderment in his widened eyes.
Kame visibly swallowed, and Jin could see his body tensed even over the distance of the quite large foyer separating the spots they were standing at. Kame’s hands sagged onto the padded armrests of his wheelchair, fingers taking a firm grip at the edges.
“W-what…?” Kame fixed his eyes to Jin, the initial consternation quickly faded away. He didn’t have a place to hide now, not after Jin had already seen him. Kame took a deep breath, bracing himself up for whatever would come in the following minutes. His look got rather harsh, adverse. “What do you want here?”
Something that Jin wished he had known the answer to himself.
He might be there because he was upset. Mad even.
After everything he had heard yesterday, he had to make sure by himself that everything was true, keeping a vain hope that he could accept his return better when knowing Kamenashi was not to come back, hearing the words from Kamenashi, seeing that the other really didn’t have the slightest chance - or mind - to start working in the entertainment industry again.
And now he saw it - yet there was no relief. Right the opposite actually.
He was angry. Angry for nothing and everything.
Angry at himself for ever letting his hopes raise high for even a single second.
Angry at Nakamaru for not warning him beforehand. For keeping such an important truth away from him.
Angry at Johnny-san for forcing him to come back.
Angry at Nishikido for more than obvious reasons. The fucker must have known everything the whole time! He even had been there the last night, forgetting his damn phone at Kamenashi’s!
Uncomfortably fidgeting, Jin rubbed his sweaty palms over his hips. He was thinking hard of what to say. Somehow, Kamenashi had grown to make Jin feel like an idiot most of the time they happened to be in the same room. Kame was the smarter one, the one acting mature far beyond his actual age. Comparing to work-devoted Kamenashi Kazuya, Jin felt like a spoiled brat at times. A spiv, just messing around with friends and having fun instead of practicing endlessly every detail to give a perfect show. As if nothing but perfection had the right to exist. And as much as Jin had thought he had been over those bitter feelings - since he didn’t owe Kamenashi anything and his career was great and successful even without being a workaholic, perfectionist freak - they were back now, reminding him of the boy he once used to be.
Jin felt like he had back then at the time of the debut. The time that had changed everything and pushed him and his best friend Kazuya apart. Their ways of working hard and wanting to achieve being the best had been too different. Had been proved to be different. Yamapi and Ryo had understood him, Kazuya hadn’t. And suddenly, there had been a little they could actually talk about without ending up in an argument…
Jin hated being preached and Kame’s habitual bossing around about every fucking detail had got on his nerves soon. It had become easier to just keep some distance and not cross Kame’s way too often. In the end, they could at least work together at somewhat peace.
As ridiculous and absurd as it was at the moment, Jin found himself being also angry at Kamenashi for having fallen and crippled himself. Unless the accident had happened, Jin wouldn’t have needed to give up on his life after all.
With Kamenashi sitting in the wheelchair just a few steps in front of him though, Jin immediately felt remorse for such stupid thoughts. Kame was surely the last one to neglect something and make a mistake purposely; the less a mistake that had cost him so much.
“I-I just… I…” Jin stuttered.
“Did Ryo send you for his phone? If that’s the case then take it and get the fuck out of here.” Kame’s lips pressed together tight.
“Kame-”
“Go away, Akanishi.”
Jin’s mind was once again running at full tilt but he couldn’t find the right words to explain himself anyway. He hadn’t gone over the whole city for nothing, or had he? His eyes flicked to Ryo’s phone lying at the same spot Kamenashi must have placed it before. There was a little colorful strap attached to the cell; the strap Jin had bought a while ago in the States along with a couple of others and had given them out to his closest friends. It had been a random idea and he had never thought Ryo - or either Pi or Yu as well - would really use it.
Now he knew Ryo actually had put it onto his cell.
However, considering the situation, Jin was not quite sure whether Ryo was yet to be counted as a friend anymore.
“I… I’m sorry.”
“Whatever,” Kame scoffed.
All the anger Jin had felt before was slowly melting. It was still present, pushing dozens of nagging thoughts into Jin’s mind, however, the previous need to shout and kick around was gone.
Kame was hardly the one to be blamed for this fucked up situation.
“I’m sorry for dropping by unannounced.”
Kame let his hands slip to the handrims and drew forward a little, the move hesitant and unsure, making Jin almost squirm at the spot. “Nishikido had no fucking right to tell you where to find me.” Kame’s voice was low and faint, yet reproachful.
“He didn’t!” Jin defended his friend quickly. And what he said was true after all.
Hearing Jin’s words, Kame visibly flustered.
“Look,” Jin took a breath, “I didn’t know you and Ryo… whatever Ryo did here, I didn’t know, okay? I came here to see you and maybe ask how you are doing. And Nakamaru sends ‘hi’, by the way. He was actually the one telling me your new address. Please, don’t be mad at him, I didn’t give him other choice than to tell me. I… uh… wanted to see you.”
Jin’s eyes kept following every Kame’s move, fascinated by the ease and somewhat leisure the other was maneuvering the wheelchair around with. But then again, the one in front of him was Kamenashi Kazuya. The guy who had mastered the art of gracefulness already a long time ago. A wheelchair might have made the work a bit difficult but could hardly take all the elegance away from him.
Always fucking perfect at whatever he did.
Jin shook his head, shaking off the thought.
Kame shrugged, his lips pressed tight again. “Now you’ve seen me. Satisfied?”
“They said you are not coming back,” Jin muttered the first words coming on his mind. And only then realized how stupid the statement was.
“While you are.”
“Not my decision though.”
Kame’s lips twisted in a bitter snort. “Of course not.”
Japan is not good enough for you.
“It was Johnny-san, not me.” Making excuses was the last Jin actually had to do, but face to face Kame, he felt like making this clear right from the beginning. “I would gladly keep myself away from Japan and KAT-TUN and everything for the rest of my life. But apparently, the group can’t work without either you or me. And you…”
Shit.
Jin hissed. His hands clenched. When exactly had it happened? When exactly had everything he said started making him a jerk in Kamenashi’s eyes?
And why exactly did it still matter to him what Kamenashi thought about him?
“And me what, Akanishi?
“Nothing,” Jin mumbled, biting his lip. Yamapi might have been actually right while telling him that he should think before opening his mouth. “I… I should go.”
“Right,” Kame nodded and glanced to the door behind Jin. The look nothing less than a prod, a silent bidding. An affirmation that Jin wasn’t welcome there. As if there was any affirmation needed; Jin had known it even without the other’s not so subtle hints.
Jin looked up, opened his mouth to say something, but Kame’s eyes on him made him forget about his ability to speak.
He reached for Ryo’s phone and squeezed it in his hand before hiding the cell in a pocket.
A moment later his fingers were already curled around the knob to open the door and leave the place as soon as possible. Jin stopped though, slowly turned around and faced Kame again. He met the same surprise as the first time the younger one appeared in front of him a moment ago.
“I’m sorry,” Jin said firmly. “About what happened to you.”
Kame didn’t even flinch. “Save it.”
***
Ryo found Jin crouching on the floor in front of his apartment after coming home from work late the night. His day had been a mess and he was thinking of nothing but taking a shower and falling into the bed. He couldn’t find his phone since the morning, and being without it was literally like losing a limb. The worst thing about being without the cell wasn’t the inability to access his contacts or mails or his diary with schedule details - he could as well get those from Ohkura’s or Subaru’s phones because the three of them had had the same obligations planned -, but the fact that he couldn’t remember where he could have forgotten the phone.
And if he had lost it somewhere, he would have been screwed.
Jin didn’t look up when Ryo got closer, neither did Jin move a moment later when keys rattled in the lock somewhere above him. He was just sitting there still, knees bent and arms wrapped around his legs; Ryo’s phone hanging loose on the strap Jin had slung around his finger.
Ryo gave his friend’s pitiful form a concerned look. Then opened the door.
“Are you coming in?”
“Fuck you,” Jin groaned low, the voice even muffled as his face was still buried in his folded arms.
“Jin?”
“How was your fucking date yesterday?” Jin’s eyes finally shot up, dark and empty. Disappointed. Among everybody, Ryo should have been the one telling him the truth no matter what. Ryo had always been there for him; back then at the beginning when everyone else had turned their backs to him, calling him a traitor and predicting him nothing but a soon fail, Ryo had stuck with him. Jin didn’t… couldn’t understand when or why - and how - Ryo had become close, and how much close, with Kamenashi behind his back. The two of them had nothing in common after all, and Jin could actually easily remember countless occasions when Ryo had sided him while Jin had been complaining about Kame’s starchy attitude. Jin couldn’t come up with a single reason why Nishikido would have favored spending an evening at Kamenashi’s over a night out clubbing with Jin, with the best friend who hadn’t been in Japan for ages.
Ryo froze in the middle of a move, his arm reaching for the knob to open the door fell down listless. He slowly turned to Jin, narrowing his eyes in confusion. “What date?”
“The reason for ditching me yesterday,” Jin reminded him darkly. Unwittingly, his fingers started to play with the strap, making the phone in his hand hang, flap against his shank. He wasn’t aware of it, it wasn’t even to keep his hands occupied; just a way his body fought against complete numbness.
Yesterday’s talk with Ryo kept repeating in his head, like a broken record. If only had he paid more attention to how persistently Ryo had been avoiding talking about any details of his plans for the evening… quickly shifting the topic away. Jin breathed in and slowly exhaled, waiting for the reaction Ryo would give, yet not really conscious about the little frown crossing Ryo’s forehead or how the other’s eyes had gone through a series of different phases of realization. Or how Ryo’s fingers tensed around the keys and his lips pressed tight together.
And how Ryo quickly tried to mask it all.
“Oh, that,” Ryo cleared his throat nervously, squeezing the keys until the metal incised painfully into his palm. “She… she’s just a friend, nothing serious.”
“Really?” Jin’s eyebrow jumped up then twitched in a grimace as Jin’s scoff turned into a hiss. “Shit.”
The phone slipped out of his hand and landed on the floor with a ringing clap. Jin reached for it swiftly but Ryo had caught a glimpse of the object anyway. A glimpse long enough to recognize the well-know shape and color.
“Hey! You found it!?”
Jin didn’t have another choice than hand the cell to Ryo. “Looks like that, huh?”
A full list of possible places scrolled down Ryo’s mind. He tried to remember when he had actually used the phone for the last time, but Jin having it would have meant he must have forgotten it at Reio’s… and that was more than impossible because Ryo knew he had made a several calls even after partying with Jin yesterday morning.
He had called Kamenashi to tell him he would be a little late and…
Fuck.
Ryo’s eyes widened.
And everything snapped. He hadn’t used the phone after leaving Kame’s apartment.
There was only one place Jin could have found the phone.
“Jin…”
“You know what’s strange?” Jin spoke up in a low, resigned voice, eyes fixed to the fingers that were previously holding the cell. “When did Kamenashi become someone you want to spend your time with more than me?”
Raising a hand, Ryo rubbed his forehead in a little, jerky move. This was exactly the situation he had hoped to avoid. “Can we go inside, please?”
The last of what Ryo was inclined to was talking with Jin in the hallway with at least two other neighbors living behind the closed doors of their apartments to overhear everything.
“Whatever.” Reluctantly, Jin stood up. His legs were stiff from the crouching, awkward position he had been sitting in for what might have been hours for all he knew. He hadn’t been really in the mood to care about the time after leaving Kamenashi’s apartment.
He followed Ryo in, proceeding into the living room while Ryo disappeared in the kitchen to both fetch them something to drink and gain a little more time before facing Jin again. There had to be the right words to tell the other, Ryo was soothing himself while taking two beer cans out of the fridge; to explain him that Kame had wished from the very start for no one to know; however, despite all his best efforts, Ryo couldn’t find those words no matter what.
Ryo cleared his throat, staggered at the door and was watching Jin standing at the window and thoughtfully, absentmindedly staring at the illuminated streets under the roof of dark sky outside. Jin wasn’t moving, just breathing and munching his lower lip.
“Jin?”
“You know, I might start hating my name soon if everyone keeps repeating it,” Jin chuckled bitterly and turned to Ryo.
It wasn’t the best timing for one of Pi’s infamous ‘Bakanishi’ jokes and Ryo thickly swallowed a question that would have sounded funny before. In the normal course of events, Ryo would have asked Jin whether he would have preferred being called ‘Bakanishi’ then, and they would have ended in a teasing fight. However, this was out of option now when Ryo couldn’t really tell how mad Jin was, or whether the other actually was mad at all. Jin might have been just disappointed, or shocked. Even scared; once and for all realizing that Kame’s condition was not going to get better and thus Jin’s expectations of going back to the States were nearing zero.
Jin’s eyes glanced at one of the beers in Ryo’s hand.
Ryo caught the look and handed Jin the can, casting a shy smile; an offer to reconciliation. The tension between them was still thickly present when Jin accepted the beer and opened it with a skilled pull of his index finger to take a sip. The bitter taste washed over his tongue. “Will you tell me now?” he asked silently after a moment of both thinking and not thinking, all the messy thoughts whirling in his head strangely making his mind blank. Jin glanced up at Ryo, gripping the can so tight that the walls of the tin slightly dented.
“Tell you…?”
Jin nodded. “Everything.”
And so Ryo did.
They sat on the couch; Jin leaned back comfortably, trying to relieve the tension that had his body in a grip, and was listening carefully to each and every word of Ryo’s talking. Soon the words started turning into images in his head and Jin found himself flinching at more than one occasion.
In the first couple of minutes Ryo basically retold what Jin had already heard or figured out the previous day, and what had had him eventually get drunk and pass out on the floor of Reio’s living room. Coming out of Ryo’s mouth, the words sounded somewhat more reliable than everything Jin had heard so far. Since the first moment he had learnt the truth, and had been collecting details about it ever since, the picture became clear and complete.
2014. Kamenashi Kazuya to star in Dream Boys again.
Kamenashi injured during his final stunt.
Johnny’s jimusho confirms Kamenashi’s injury is nothing serious.
KAT-TUN’s planned Asia Tour unexpectedly canceled.
No new single.
Kamenashi Kazuya resigning the position of the newscaster of Going!
No further comments from the jimusho on Kamenashi’s sudden withdrawal from all his activities.
Trust Johnny Kitagawa to handle any situation and blur everything important yet inconvenient to his business.
“If you asked me, he shouldn’t have agreed on taking the lead role once again,” Ryo grumbled, palms nervously tapping him thighs. His eyes had been secretly shifting in Jin’s direction every now and then the whole time he had been talking, searching and waiting for even the slightest reaction Jin would have given out. However, Jin hadn’t moved, hadn’t flinched; frozen. Eventually, the lack of feedback had got Ryo more anxious than he had already been.
“I can’t imagine him not taking it though.” Jin’s voice came out raspy
“Yeah, right… yeah… just…” Ryo sighed, “Johnny had no right to ask him to do it. Not after all those statements years ago that Kamenashi would not participate anymore.”
Jin scoffed, rolling his eyes. Johnny had fucking all rights to ask Kamenashi or whoever else to do whatever crap had randomly crossed his sick mind. Like for example turning down Jin’s American career.
“He had enough of other shit going on at that time,” Ryo went on, “and he was the last moment double for someone else if I remember correctly. There was not enough time for practicing -”
“What!?” Jin’s eyes shot wide open and suddenly, he was fully conscious and focused.
“Calm down, Akanishi, for god’s sake. Kame knew what he was doing. Don’t think that… just don’t think they neglected something, okay? That’s not what I was implying. I don’t even know why I said it.”
For a moment, Jin stayed the way he was, straightened up and tense, glaring at Ryo with his eyes full of urgent questions.
Honestly, he wouldn’t have been surprised if someone actually had neglected some fucking safety detail, and then, Jin wouldn’t have wasted a single second and found him… her… because whoever had been at fault should pay for their mistake. Not Kamenashi.
Jin took a breath to calm down and tailed off back into the cushions.
“It’s weird.”
Ryo’s breathing softened again and he leaned back, just a few inches from where Jin’s shoulder was touching the backrest. The soft trait in Jin’s voice had assured Ryo that the other didn’t want to argue anymore. Like that, Ryo wasn’t afraid to ask. “Anything particular?”
“No, just…” Jin closed his eyes. “Yeah, actually, seeing Kamenashi in a wheelchair. Knowing my life is fucked but his is even more. Returning to Japan. To KAT-TUN. Taguchi’s fucking excitement for seeing me. It’s weird. I don’t belong here, Ryo. Not anymore.”
“I figured.”
“Or you and Kamenashi being friends.” Jin lazily turned his head to a side and blinked his eyes open to look at his friend. “How the hell did it happen anyway?”
That was a question Ryo had been expecting to come for already a while. Jin was actually quite admirable for not bringing up the issue already in the hallway. Then again, there had been other stuff to discuss as well, and Ryo being friends with Kamenashi was the least of all things Jin had been denied to know so far.
Ryo shrugged. He didn’t know where to start from.
“Yamapi’s fault.”
He could feel Jin’s inquiring look and that made him chuckle lightly.
“Really. He was the one helping Kame first. You know,” Ryo rolled his eyes in a pretended annoyance, “his ‘Akira is here to help Shuji’ and all that crap he always gives when it comes to Kamenashi. I kept myself out from it, successfully for most of the time being,” he sighed. “But then Pi started a tour and there was no one…”
“The Kamenashi family?”
Ryo shook his head. “Not really. No. Kame doesn’t want to be a bother for any of them. At the beginning, his mother almost begged him to come back home then spent every moment possible at Kame’s to help him with everything that was necessary. Until he asked her not to make a big deal out of his condition, assuring her that he was able to take care of everything on his own.”
How typical, Jin thought but didn’t say anything.
“Actually, I get it. Who needs to have a mother around 24/7, ne?” Ryo shrugged and couldn’t prevent a smirk that crept into his face. “Anyway, Yamapi somehow became the one helping Kame when there was a need of help. Like when he needed to go to see his physiatrist or a rehab nurse. The exercising can be exhausting at times and he might not be able to get home if going by a car alone.”
Nice. So Yamapi had not only known everything but he had been an important part of Kamenashi’s life, yet had never mentioned anything in front of Jin as well. Not even once.
“And when Yamapi had work to do and couldn’t accompany Kame to the rehab facility, he asked me to do so. Soon, Kame preferred me over Pi’s company.”
Jin raised an eyebrow. “Are they sure the problem is in his spine and not his brain?”
“Hey!”
“What? As far as I remember, you were always mocking him for any reason you could find,” Jin reminded, clearly recalling the times of their Juniors days when he had found Kazuya silently sitting in a corner of their dressing room, hiding from mean Nishikido, or the times Jin had had a hard time deciding with whom he would have gone home as it had been more than impossible to get Kamenashi and Nishikido anywhere near each other without unleashing a fight. Later, when Kamenashi had pointed all his focus to work, Jin’s buoyant friends who were always ready to party the whole night, Ryo included, had become a clear example of everything Kame couldn’t stand. A clear example of indiscipline and dissoluteness. Jin could still hear Kamenashi’s scolding after Jin had come to work with a little hangover after celebrating Shirota’s birthday. However, since Jin had been able to meet all his obligations, Kamenashi’s preaching had been exaggerated. That was, at least, what Jin thought. Who was Kamenashi Kazuya to boss him around anyway?
“Seriously, Nishikido, he used to be this close to hating you.” Jin demonstrated his words by nearly pressing his thumb and an index finger together, flapping the hand just in front of Ryo’s pouting face. “It’s hard… impossible to believe that -”
“I’m not pitying him, okay? That’s it. I’m not tiptoeing around him as if he was helpless and deserved nothing but people’s sorrowful looks. Because that’s exactly what he has been getting since the moment they released him from hospital. Poor Kamenashi, once a star and now good for nothing, hardly able to take care of himself… Bullshit, you know? He just needs to hear it’s bullshit. If he thinks he can’t do something I know he can, I’m there to scold him for giving up easily. If his whining and drowning into self-pity pisses me off, I tell him to shut the fuck up. If he wants to give up completely, I don’t let him.”
“You must be such a pain in the ass.”
“Might be,” Ryo chuckled, his face serious though. “But he can be even bigger one so in the end, we are getting along just fine.”
Ryo was grinning then; and Jin raised a hand to rub his forehead, still rather confused by everything he had heard. It was way too much, considering his lack of sleep in the last few days combined with only slowly fading shatters of the last night’s drinking and topped with the vivid, constantly thudding pain at his life having broken down in not more than a few minutes just yesterday.
Jin had to smile though. He could imagine Ryo and Kamenashi once again fighting like during good old days. And he would have been a little surprised if their fights had been about serious issues, just like before. With one difference though, because Jin had his doubts that Kamenashi would be still running away to hide himself and possibly even cry.
No.
The Kamenashi Kazuya Jin had met this morning, was as far from the uncertain, scared kid he once used to be, as possible. He hadn’t been that kid for years by now after all.
“Jin?”
“Hm…” Jin raised his head, pushing away his previous thoughts, and met Ryo’s intent stare.
Ryo hesitated. “Are we okay? I’m sorry for not telling you before…”
Bringing the can up to his lips and taking a sip, the bitter liquid siding down his throat, Jin eventually gave a little nod, making Ryo breathe out in relief.
“Thanks.”
“I’m still pissed off though,” Jin suddenly added, scratching his teeth over his bottom lip. The words made Ryo hold his breath, however, the bad feeling disappeared when Jin went on. “Don’t think I won’t find a way to get it back on you. But I don’t want to argue about something that can’t be changed anymore. Not when I’m so obviously doomed to stay here now and a friend could be handy.”
Ryo’s lips twitched in an encouraging half smile. “Any idea what are you supposed to do next?”
“You mean except staying sane with Taguchi around?” Jin’s eyebrows jumped up in a cocky grimace and when he laughed softly, it was the first genuine reaction he had given in the last twenty four hours. He was too tired to be serious about everything all the time or to think of how different his life had been only a couple of days ago before the call from the jimusho had come, catching him in the middle of preparations for a new tour. A tour that was not going to happen anymore now.
Jin finished his beer and closed his eyes, relaxing against the backrest cushion.
So… back to KAT-TUN, huh?
Ryo’s fist gently nudged Jin’s upper arm and they exchanged a look.
Then a phone started ringing.
***
A week later, Jin was back in Japan.
And nothing was the same.
His plane landed in the evening and unlike before, when he could simply stroll down the arrival hall without stirring a bigger fuss, this time a whole horde of eager reporters and excited fans had been waiting for him, the flashing of their cameras blinding him right after he had gone thought the gate. His face was hidden behind dark glasses and a typical, oversized hoodie was hiding most of the rest. A couple of bodyguards joined him at the gate, escorting him through the crowd and taking care of his safety.
A mess of questions and random screams was reaching Jin’s ears, blurred, unimportant. Annoying even.
Instead of answering any, Jin lowered his head and shadowed his face with a magazine he had been reading on the plane.
He got out of the hall and finally took a breath of fresh air outside. It didn’t feel strange or unknown anymore; the air of Tokyo had once again got under his skin, filled him, merged in.
It was familiar and scary.
Jin got into the car his manager had sent for him. Yet not even when the door closed behind him and set a wall of dark glass between him and the crowd outside chasing after him, Jin didn’t feel safe enough to take off either the glasses or the hoodie.
This was what being back in Japan was going to be like from now on.
No privacy. People watching and judging his every step.
The rumors about his return from the States had become the news number one and media had spent ridiculous time speculating about what would happen next.
Which was something Jin himself had been wondering about as well.
After a brief discussion about the future living arrangements with Reio, it had been decided that Jin would stay at his brother’s, at least for some time. Reio wasn’t against sharing his apartment with Jin, as the two of them had always been close and their brotherly love hadn’t been impaired by Jin’s staying overseas in any way. And for Jin, keeping the feeling of needing only a temporary residence was also giving him an illusive hope he would leave the country someday again.
As foolish as it might have been, the more after the contract had been eventually signed and Jin had been, once again officially, a part of the group; Jin wasn’t ready to give up on the last shred of hope just yet.
The first few days after his return had been hell. An endless circle of interviews and press conferences and long boring hours during which Jin had been instructed about what to say and what to do - something he had hoped to never experience again.
Trust Johnny Kitagawa to handle any situation and blur everything important yet inconvenient to his business.
Jin hadn’t really cared about the lies he had been directed and expected to say.
America was a great experience as the music industry there works different than in Japan. He liked and enjoyed everything he did there, and he learnt a lot, not only about work but also about himself.
He was thankful to both Johnny Kitagawa and Warner Music for letting him do what he liked, for letting him write and release music close to his heart, for giving him a change to go and try something else.
He was also thankful to both his Japanese and non-Japanese fans for their support. He would never be able to express properly how much it meant to him. Meeting them at concerts and reading their encouraging messages online.
However, the only place he had always felt home at was Japan…
Now, after having tried to work as a solo artist and doing a lot of activities all over the world, he was ready to join KAT-TUN again and work hard as a part of the group.
And like that, he really hoped fans would support Akanishi Jin from KAT-TUN from now on again.
Not a single mention of the others. Kamenashi’s name hadn’t come up even once, even though Jin hadn’t had any doubt the reporters had been eager to ask at every occasion given.
He hadn’t been following the articles in the press at all, for both lack of time and no interest in general, but something had always reached him one way or another. There had been speculations. A lot of speculations actually.
Some thought Akanishi had come back to ‘save’ KAT-TUN.
Some were mocking him for returning to the only certainty he had ever had; and that it was KAT-TUN saving him for a change because his career in the US had ended.
And of course rumors about Akanishi and Kamenashi fighting over being the center of attention couldn’t be missing.
In the end though, Jin couldn’t have cared less about what people were saying.
There were other things he had to be bothered about anyway…
***
It shouldn’t have been difficult. If there was something Jin really was good at, then it was, with no doubt, writing lyrics and music.
The initial ruckus over his return hadn’t yet faded, the media kept speculating about what would happen with KAT-TUN now and why there hadn’t been any official news so far, less those regarding Akanishi of course; however, Jin was already buried chin deep in work and related obligations to care about rumors anyway.
Yu and Ryo had taken him out for a couple of beers the second night he had been back. For a moment, sitting in a box of their favorite club and doing nothing but drinking and chatting about nothing important, with music playing in the background and lights flickering through the darkness, Jin had caught himself laughing freely to something Yu had said.
For that particular moment, when Ryo’s snickering had been disrupting the point of Yu’s story long time before Yu could have actually reached it and Yu had smacked Ryo’s head in return as a punishment, Jin had felt light-headed and maybe even happy.
Now though, three days later, Jin was in Eito’s dressing room, pacing from one end to the other, visibly tense and restless, troubled and every now and then even indignant, alternately cursing and making sounds that might have been considered silent humming or singing - less Nishikido Ryo being the one listening to them.
Ryo was flopped on a couch, trying to catch up with memorizing a script he had been given the other day; however, Jin’s noises were making it difficult to focus.
Jin abruptly stopped mid-step, scratched his already ruffled hair that was still a bit longer than probably should be, reaching his shoulders and falling deep into his face so he could easily bind the curly strands back into a messy ponytail, and frowned at the sheet of paper he was holding in the other hand. The scratchy handwriting scattered all over it was a mix of Japanese characters and words in Latin; however, in the end, it was hard to decipher both.
For once, surprisingly soundlessly, Jin mouthed the last few words he had added to what should eventually become a new song; and even before he could have finished, Ryo was expecting yet another frustrated groan.
And when Jin really groaned in the end, crumpling the paper in his hand and throwing it against a wall in growing anger, Ryo had had just enough.
“That’s it, Akanishi. Get your stuff and fuck off before I’ll have to kick you out of here myself.”
Jin turned to him but didn’t utter a word. His friend was clearly running out of patience. Jin didn’t get it though.
Ryo was hardly the one to make any complaints here. He was hardly the one literally threatened into writing a song that would eventually become a B-side for a long-awaited single. He wasn’t the one struggling with what should have been the easiest thing to do. Despite the fact that Jin had been writing lyrics and music since he was a teenager and it had always worked out well, the situation was different now. This might be the very first time he wasn’t enjoying what he was doing. Possibly for the first time in his whole life, writing a song was a work. Not fun.
A pout slowly crept into Jin’s face. Ryo couldn’t have been serious about him having to leave. The dressing room where the members of Kanjani8 had their stuff and where the only two people currently present were Ryo and Jin might have been actually the only place in the building granting Jin a bit of privacy and a calm atmosphere to think and work.
If it had been helpful was another story though.
Within the last three hours Jin had written and subsequently scratched more lines than he had come up with in weeks. And the worst about it was that in reality, the lines were good. Some of them great actually, and Jin could even name people who wouldn’t have hesitated calling them genius. However, all these superlatives would have stood if the lyrics had been intended for a single of Jin Akanishi, the American star. They were far away from what could become a part of KAT-TUN’s repertory.
Jin’s manager had made it more than clear after Jin had come to him with the first idea he had got for a new song two days ago.
Too American.
“This is not the kind of music KAT-TUN sings…”
Too inappropriate. Vulgar.
“You are not in the States anymore, Akanishi-kun. Better get used to it soon. The fans here have different standards… They are expecting a different kind of music from you.”
With a heavy sigh, Jin slumped down next to Ryo, mindlessly stretching a hand and reaching for a chocolate bar lying on the table next to the couch, and peeled off the colorful wrapper. “This is so not gonna work.”
“Right.”
Biting the sweet tidbit, Jin sent the other an inquiring, annoyed look. Shouldn’t have been Ryo on his side in this?
“I’m serious, Ryo! What if I can’t write the sort of songs they want me to anymore? What if it’s not in me!?” Jin was munching the chocolate, not really noticing he was actually eating something. He hadn’t slept too much at night and his system was just about to reach its breaking point soon. “I haven’t written anything with the feeling they want from me since ‘Comet’, and that was four years ago!” - His last single destined for the Japanese market. His last song topping Oricon before his success in the States had satisfied Johnny enough to let Jin focus solely on the American music market. “How am I supposed to come up with something on such short notice?” Rather forcefully, Jin clenched his fist, crumpling the empty wrapper. “I’m so dead now.” The paper rustled.
“If I were you,” Ryo was pondering, a smirk plucking in a corner of his lips, “I would be worried not about the old man, but about the fact that you’ve just eaten Tacchon’s snack and you know how much he can be peevish when food deprived.” Ryo nodded with a dead serious look written in his face, inside having a blast though.
Jin stiffened in a rush of surprise and chills at the tone of Ryo’s warning, yet that was only until his brain caught up with what had been said. “Asshole,” Jin grumbled. As if he had cared about Ohkura’s everlasting appetite.
Ryo grinned and with a smirk lowered his eyes back to the script.
Eito having a TV show with a weekly air time was a good thing.
The seven of them being random every week and being paid for it was even better; and Ryo didn’t really mind the little of scripted words he had to memorize each time.
However, even the few lines he had were difficult to focus on with Akanishi’s constant whining for attention now.
Jin ostentatiously breathed out, pouting. “I can’t do this.”
“Of course you can,” Ryo rolled his eyes, not affected by Akanishi’s drama queen outbursts at all. All he actually wanted right now was to remove Jin from the room and have at least a moment of peace before Yasu and Yoko would come, barging in and taking over the place. “You were writing songs before you could write properly.” Ryo’s tone was mocking in a usual manner, and normally, Jin wouldn’t have cared at all, but this time the words were irritating. “And you were writing them in English when you even didn’t know properly your own language and also your English was more than pathetic at the time so -”
“Just because Jimmy Mackey said so, doesn’t mean it was true!”
Ryo chuckled. “If you think Jimmy was the only one…” At times, Jin was easy.
“Fuck Jimmy. And fuck anyone else. The problem is that now I basically can’t come up with good lyrics in Japanese,” Jin mumbled, pushing Ryo’s mean teasing aside. He would square accounts with Nishikido later. Preferably after there would be a song written. “But it’s exactly what Johnny wants from me.”
“Ask Koki for help?”
Jin nearly choked. “No fucking way!”
Jin really was easy, Ryo was having a great time snickering. “Do as you please but stop whining here. You have your own dressing room to laze around. This one is hardly suitable for seven people.”
Especially when the seven people were the loud and corky members of Kanjani8.
“Tsk. What if Uchi was still here, huh?” A triumphal smirk twitched in a corner of Jin’s lips. Ryo was not to outsmart him…
“He would be changing in the hallway for all I care,” Ryo snorted. The conversation was going nowhere. Jin was only avoiding what needed to be done anyway; and Ryo wouldn’t have really cared if Jin hadn’t been holding off also him. “Seriously, Jin,” Ryo set away the script looking up, and this time he was serious about his words, “as your friend, I don’t mind spending time with you but you can’t avoid the other guys all the time. Someone could think KAT-TUN is lacking some member-ai…”
Jin pursed his lips, sending Ryo a killing glare.
The next moment however, acknowledging that Ryo might have meant his words for real after all. Jin sighed in resignation and stood up, getting ready to leave.
As much as Jin would love to, Ryo was right, and he couldn’t keep avoiding the other guys forever. Hiding himself in Eito’s dressing room could be only a temporary solution of his situation. In the end, he always had to crawl out and follow his schedule that, for most of the time being, consisted of group activities. The public needed to see him as a part of KAT-TUN. There was always someone to join him during photo shootings, the interviews nowadays turned into cross-talks of him and another member. As if he was not allowed to present himself on his own anymore.
At times, the constant presence of the others was almost suffocating, and Jin felt much better in the company of the guys from Kanjani8. Simply because they were expecting nothing from him. He could be himself without the slightest worry he would have had to apologize eventually. Being around Ryo and the others was about friendship.
While being around KAT-TUN was about work.
A work he hadn’t asked for in the first place.
“So… see you later?” Jin asked, already standing at the door, a hand placed on the knob.
Ryo looked away. “Sorry, not today.”
The numb, elusive tone told Jin more than Ryo’s actual words that he didn’t want to hear more. He didn’t need to anyway.
The only topic Ryo wasn’t really comfortable to talk about with Jin was Kamenashi.
Jin nodded; a little assuring gesture to tell Ryo he had got the point and was not going to extend it any further. “Okay, then call me and we… can arrange something?”
“Sure.”
Fifteen minutes later, after a quick stop to get himself a coffee, Jin entered KAT-TUN’s dressing room and to his surprise found no one but Nakamaru in there. Nakamaru was fine. Unlike with the others, Jin could actually breathe while Nakamaru was around.
“Someone hasn’t forgotten the way here,” Maru greeted him with a smile yet there was not the slightest hint of mockery in his voice. “That’s nice.”
Jin froze at the spot, barely having come through the door in.
“Johnny should reconsider his decision and rather put you into Kanjani8 instead.”
“Eh?” Jin was caught off guard. He stuttered but Nakamaru didn’t seem to hold on to the reproachful remarks, and Jin sure as hell was not the one to initiate yet another awkward conversation. He slipped to his corner of the room, reached for the guitar standing there against a wall and absentmindedly twanged its strings.
He usually liked the initial phase of composing a new song. He liked just letting his mind take control over the moves his hands and fingers were making along the guitar’s neck, eliciting seemingly random sounds at first which were gradually turning into a melody. It usually worked as a well-oiled machine.
This time though, everything was just wrong.
He couldn’t find the right lyrics. As well as the right melody.
Nakamaru was listening to the random sounds the guitar was producing under Akanishi’s fingers. They should have a meeting with their manager later the day to talk about performances and public or media appearances for the following week. There were already rumors that Johnny would want them to release a single soon.
The first single without Kamenashi.
Something they were not talking about much; however, no talking didn’t mean not being well aware of the situation.
Koki had expressed his repulsion right at the beginning. But who was Koki to have a word in this?
Muttering a curse, Jin thrummed harshly the guitar strings and knocked at the wooden body. The clap gave out a dull sound, and Jin put the guitar aside. Writing a song couldn’t be forced out after all.
“Are you done?” Nakamaru’s wondering voice surprised Jin who had forgotten about the other’s presence. His confusion must have been mirroring in his eyes because Maru specified his question by a slightly nod at the guitar’s direction. “With your song.”
Jin frowned. “Not really.”
“I see.”
“They’ve rejected every idea I’ve come up with so far.” Jin sighed. Normally, he wouldn’t have complained to Nakamaru - or any other of his coworkers - but things had been far from normal lately so why should he care? Another sigh. “I know what they want from me but I haven’t written a song in Japanese and for a Japanese audience in ages.” Jin ran a hand through his hair, the move strained.
Nakamaru nodded an understanding. Seeing Akanishi helpless like this was quite disturbing. And pitiful. But mostly disturbing.
If this reunion should reach Johnny’s expectations, Akanishi needed to get his act together and start thinking of himself as a part of the group again, no matter that in reality, he wanted to be at the other side of the world. He was not given a choice and he had to learn to deal with it. The others couldn’t do more than lend him a helping, understanding hand.
“Koki could help you.”
The unexpected suggestion made Jin choke. He started coughing, struggling for air and sent his band mate an unbelieving glare, burning Nakamaru through with pure consternation.
Unlike Ryo before, Nakamaru was everything but teasing him and that made Jin flinch.
“I don’t think so,” he shook his head, a wrinkle crossing his forehead.
Maru shrugged in response. “Look, KAT-TUN won’t work without you. That’s something none of us can change, not even you. Johnny’s decision. If you need help with anything, we are here for you, as surprising or strange as it may sound to you. Right now Koki is the only one without a full schedule so -”
“I’m gonna manage,” Jin said quickly. The idea of Koki helping him was ridiculous. The only one being even less excited about their possible cooperation than Jin himself would be Koki after all. Nakamaru couldn’t be serious.
Jin got a doubtful look and a raised eyebrow as a reaction from the other. “You have been struggling with it for a week and apparently, not even your friend Nishikido can stand you around anymore…”
Jin didn’t get a chance to react.
“… otherwise you wouldn’t be hanging about here, would you?”
“I…” Jin’s mouth hung open. He should have been used to Nakamaru’s great observing talent. Yet it always took him by surprise when the other spoke straightforwardly to him about what Jin tried to mask.
“You don’t have to explain or defend yourself. Nishikido is your friend. While we are…” the voice faded into a sigh until Maru took a breath to continue, “We have never been that much.”
“That’s not -” An unwitting reply. An attempt of one.
“I know KAT-TUN doesn’t mean anything to you. For you, it’s nothing but a burden, a holdback of your career and your dreams, but for us, the group is all of that, our career and dreams; and we would do anything to save it and make it work again. Look at Kame, he gave everything he had! He wouldn’t have done it, if KAT-TUN hadn’t been worth it, don’t you think? You were the one to know him the best once after all…”
“An eternity ago,” Jin mumbled.
A shiver crept up along his spine. Every word Maru said was making him feel guilty somehow. But there was nothing to feel guilty about!
That was it. Jin’s hands unwittingly clenched into fists.
He was not going to apologize for once having guts to chase his dreams. “Look…”
“You should take it into consideration anyway,” Nakamaru didn’t seem to go further into the topic. He had said all he wanted after all. Now it was up to Jin to sort things out.
Jin didn’t answer right away and thus missed his only chance to react. The others started coming in, Junno and Koki greeting them loudly as always. Only Koki’s words were meant more to Nakamaru than to Jin, but still were polite enough not to bring up any trouble.
Jin was silently sitting and watching the morning routine.
In the end, things were not that much different here and when he and his crew had been getting ready for a performance in the States. Both required a lot of fuss and people randomly tripping up over each other in the narrow space of a dressing room, rustling of clothes and indigested searching for pieces of clothing scattered everywhere instead of hanging orderly on a rack.
They were scheduled for a series of photo shootings, and the first round was about to start in some fifteen minutes.
Jin stopped Ueda just when they were leaving the room; the others already heading to the elevator. The car was waiting for them in the underground lot to take them to the shooting location.
Jin had thought everything through; and even though his pride was still screaming against the decision of really asking for help, he knew as well he actually didn’t have other choice.
“Hey, Uepi, wait!” Jin reached for the other, grabbing his sleeve.
Ueda blinked. “Yes?” Akanishi hadn’t been exactly friendly in the last few weeks and suddenly talking directly to either of them was more than surprising. Ueda looked over his shoulder to where the rest of the group was chatting while waiting for the elevator, then turned his attention to Jin. Seeing Jin so obviously lost and down was strange. The exhaustion and strain of apparently more than a couple of both sleepless nights and sleep drawn down by too much alcohol, combined with demanding work schedule were clearly legible in his pale, grey face and empty eyes.
“I…ehm…was thinking that maybe…” Jin shuffled uncomfortably.
“Maybe?”
“Maybe you… could help me?”
Ueda kept calm and gave a little nod, partly to show Jin his concern but mostly because the unexpected request had left his speechless.
“I… need help with the song I’m supposed to write.” Only having to say those words aloud made Jin squirm. Among everyone, Ueda was the only one in front of whom Jin was willing to lower himself and admit he actually needed help. But it didn’t mean that asking for one was easy.
He was fucking good - great - at writing songs and he had thousands of fans to affirm such statement. His songs were topping charts all over the States and Europe. The world loved his music; the music he had produced without anyone’s help. So naturally, asking for one now felt like a failure.
“I see,” Ueda nodded again.
“And I’m running out of time. I would really appreciate any help at this point.” Jin, who had been shifting his eyes anywhere but Ueda so far, finally fixed his gaze at the other, trying to decipher the expression in Ueda’s face. “Any. We used to be quite good at these brainstorming things, didn’t we?”
In the past, the two of them had been able to spend countless hours just randomly trying to play different melodies; some of them later on had become actual songs, others had faded into the background of oblivion. Sometimes Jin even used to think Ueda Tatsuya was the only one of his band mates who actually understood his taste of music. Or at least was able to give a try understanding why Jin loved the music he did. The others, on the other hand, considered Jin’s liking of the Western club music if not annoying than incomprehensible for sure, always giving Jin weary looks when he had turned on his favorite songs loud in the dressing room or had talked about the bands and singers he liked.
“Yeah, we…” Ueda cleared his throat, “look, Akanishi… Jin,” he corrected when Jin flinched at hearing the formal addressing, “I would like to help you. Really. It’s your song everybody out there is waiting for and I have no problem with it. The truth is that things were never too different from today. Fans were always going crazy whenever you - or Kame,” Ueda added rather hesitantly but nevertheless, “came up with a new song. So I would be an idiot if not helping you to write a hit.”
It sounded good, Jin thought and relief was slowly sinking down his strung up system.
(part 3)