[fic] Waking Up from a Bad Dream (part 3)
“But I can’t. Sorry.” Ueda’s little smile was an apology. Should have been. However, it couldn’t have made Jin feel any better.
“But -”
“Look, I’m in the middle of filming a drama, I host a weekly radio show and along with other scheduled obligations, I’m actually glad when I get some sleep. It’s not that I don’t want to help you, okay? I just don’t have the time to do so.”
Jin sighed.
Had he really forgotten what being an idol in Japan was like?
“Thanks anyway…”
Ueda patted Jin’s shoulder, a faint gesture of comfort that couldn’t have helped Jin anyhow. What he needed was someone to stir up the forgotten feeling of enjoying writing meaningful songs in him. A friendly clap on the back could have hardly been enough.
“Really sorry. But… what about Koki? If I’m not mistaken, his schedule is quite loose and he could -”
“I’m gonna think something up,” Jin blurted out. Why did everyone seem to be pushing him to work with or even get closer to Tanaka? He would have gone even as far as thinking they were doing it on purpose… “Never mind.”
“You two could…”
Jin shook his head. “If it’s either Koki’s help or working alone, I’ll manage somehow on my own. I still have a couple of weeks so…”
In reality, there was no ‘a couple of weeks’. And Ueda knew it as well as Jin did; none of them mentioned the fact though. Only thinking about the shortage of time was forbidden. Ueda couldn’t have missed how stressed up Jin had been lately, and his current state was not only about the initial reluctance to being back anymore.
“There’s one more option left actually,” Ueda suggested silently after a moment of an awkward silence when neither of them had known what to say. “But I don’t think it could work out.”
Jin blinked.
***
Kazuya was waiting for Jin in the dressing room, sitting on a bench and attentively observing his ankles and feet wearing new pair of shoes. It was already a late afternoon and the practice had ended some fifty minutes ago. Jin and Kame had agreed on going back home together, partying with Yamapi and Ryo and heading to get something light to eat, when Jin had been suddenly called up by their manager.
Jin had asked Kame to wait a moment. Not even Jin himself could have known at the moment that his friend would have to spend the following hour wearily hanging about the hallway only to eventually return to the dressing room because there was always the chance someone had forgotten a magazine there for Kame to kill some time reading it.
Now he was really bored and Jin didn’t seem to be coming back any time soon.
Kame was getting more and more both curious and anxious with every second passed. What saved him from freaking out was that if Jin had been in trouble, either Yamapi or Nishikido would have been called up into the office as well. Jin never got into trouble when those two weren’t around.
Jin never got into trouble when being with Kazuya.
Mostly because Kame wasn’t the type to attract or actively search for trouble. Mrs. Akanishi had once even said that young Kamenashi was the best to happen in the life of her older son. Sometimes, Kame was still making fun of Jin for those words and Jin always blushed to the tips of his hair, probably cursing his Mom mentally for embarrassing him for the rest of his life.
Kame clapped his feet together just above the floor and sighed.
Then the door finally opened and Jin slipped in, grinning sheepishly.
The moment he heard the cracking sound of the door being opened, Kame jumped up and all giddy turned to the newcomer.
“So?” he blurted out impatiently, and a little worried. What if Jin had really got himself into a trouble even without someone’s help?
Jin shrugged nonchalantly. The gesture might have seemed a bit affected for a boy of seventeen years but Kazuya knew him well and the smug plucking in Jin’s face made him grin.
“What is it?”
Then Jin was grinning like an idiot as well, the façade of seriousness tumbling down because Jin had never been the one to know to pretend.
“Guess who is going to write a song for an actual album?”
Kame’s eyes popped up. He knew Jin had been always scrawling something in his messy handwriting; well they all had been experimenting with melodies and lyrics once in a while, but Jin was talking about a song for an album just now, wasn’t he?
“You…” Kazuya cleared his throat as if to regain his lost voice.
However, to his surprise, Jin shook his head and his smile grew even wider if it was possible. “And you. It’s us, Kazu! We are going to write lyrics for some guy because I said I wouldn’t do it without you! I couldn’t do it without you…”
At seventeen, Akanishi Jin was cocky enough to believe he knew to write meaningful lyrics and all he needed was a chance to prove it. That was what he never hesitated to shout into the world. What he kept in secret, on the other hand, was the important role of his friend Kamenashi Kazuya in the process of getting the right ideas and looking at the world through eyes so different from his own.
Somehow, Kazuya had always been the one pushing Jin to give his best.
***
Kame stirred in his sleep and his eyes flew open, blinking and flickering about the room in confusion for a couple of seconds. His head was catching up with the surroundings. He was in the living room, half sitting, and half lying on the couch, covered with a fluffy blanket; only slowly getting through the hazy images of his memory and remembering he must have fallen asleep there after Ryo had taken him back home from the rehab. He recalled the exhaustion he had felt, and which remains were still heavy in his chest and arms.
If it had been possible, Kame would have sworn he felt every damn muscle of his body, those that were dead and senseless now included.
Ran-chan was sitting on the ground by the couch, head a little lowered, yet her eyes were cautiously watching Kame’s every heavy move. Kame reached out and patted her head.
When he had come back from the hospital, his Mom and brothers had insisted on taking Ran-chan with them so Kame wouldn’t have cared about anything but himself, but Kame had refused. He couldn’t believe they had actually come up with such an offer. Taking care of his pet dog was something he needed to prove himself not completely useless.
He sent an annoyed, tired look to the wheelchair standing just by the couch so he could easily access it. A little smile twitched his lips then. Ryo always thought of every detail; in light moments of compassion trying to make Kame’s life easier with just small things. Of course, as for the rest of the time, Ryo’s persistence and stubbornness were making Kame go crazy and not only once were things flying around involved in their arguments.
Sighing, Kame felt a wet, smooth tongue licking his fingers and turned his attention to Ran-chan again.
“Wanna take a walk?” he asked softly, yet there was exhaustion more than clear in his voice.
He always felt like being crushed all over again after coming back from the rehab. At the beginning, he had even thought all the hard, at times even painful exercising would have been for nothing anyway. Why should he have bothered then? Just gradually, and with Nishikido’s annoying nagging, Kame had got used to it and accepted the strain as an inevitable part of his life.
However, accepting didn’t mean being excited or happy about it.
This, actually, could be applied to his current life as a whole.
What was he good for now?
Ran-chan got up, wagging her tail in agreement to the inviting idea of leaving the apartment and going out, yet her eyes kept cautiously following her master; Kame sat up and reached for the chair, supported himself and straining his slightly trembling arms, shifted himself into it, slumping heavily into the fluffy padded seat. Already for long Kame hadn’t been cursing every time he had to exert all his strength to make the slightest of moves, to do what used to be so natural once, like feeding and walking Ran-chan, taking a bath, getting into bed and out of it. All he did now was gritting his teeth or biting his lower lip and hoping he wouldn’t lose balance or wouldn’t make a wrong move. His actions had become automatic to some point; however, he couldn’t afford losing his focus on whatever he did; not if he wanted to show everyone that he was nowhere near completely helpless. A useless back number perhaps, but not fucking helpless. He fastened his legs and wriggled to find a comfortable position. Then he finally smiled at the waiting dog.
“Are you ready?”
Kame’s hands slipped to the hand rims and he pushed the wheelchair to the door, trying hard not to think of everything he would have to do to get out of the apartment and take Ran-chan into the small park outside the building. A plus of his current home was a nice, tranquil park fenced in a high wall so no paparazzi or nosy, sensation seeking people could spot him; that would be in case if someone actually raked his staying. Kame was grateful to his brother for finding this place and taking care of the necessary reconstruction, so when Kame had been released from the hospital, Yuichiro had taken him to a whole new place with non-barrier approach and an apartment adapted to Kame’s needs; with wide doorframes and flat thresholds, grab bars at the places he would need them, mostly in the bedroom and bathroom, and some minor adjustments here and there. Kame had never asked but his oldest brother seemed to be the only one approving Kame’s need of independence.
It was nice to have at least someone on his side when everyone else, his mother included, had been all avid of babysitting him.
He was halfway through the living room when a ringing sound filled the room.
Ran-chan started up, rushed pass Kame and disappeared in the dark foyer. And Kame cursed. He wasn’t expecting anyone today.
***
It’s a bad, bad dream, falling, falling down, crush
That’s a bad, bad day, cutting, ripping apart the sky
***
Kamenashi opened the door after the fifth ring of the doorbell and the moment they faced each other again, Jin kind of wished to have changed his mind before ever going over there. He must have gone crazy for following Ueda’s suggestion and for a single second actually considering asking Kamenashi for help.
If he hadn’t been so clearly out of his mind, Jin would have agreed on working together with Tanaka. But no, he had had to let his stubbornness won over and that had led him right where he was now. Standing at the doorstep of Kamenashi’s apartment and feeling awkward while seeing Kamenashi’s tired, worn-down features, so different from what he had seen during his previous visit. Jin uncomfortably shuffled his feet along the dark doormat.
“Well, that’s sure a surprise,” Kame half mocked, half sighed when the one behind the door turned out to be one of the least people he might have been expecting. “Do you realize we have seen each other more times over the last month than during the last four years? And I know Nishikido’s phone is not here this time.” Also his voice sounded different and Jin hadn’t realized but at the moment that he had actually remembered what Kamenashi’s voice had sounded when they had met a few days ago. “What do you want?”
Well, good afternoon to you, too.
“Can I…” Jin cleared his throat dryly, “can I come in? I won’t hold you for long.”
He looked down to his feet where Ran-chan was curiously sniffing and making small whimpering noises of excitement.
“You better. We were about to take a little walk.”
Despite not exactly a warm invitation, Kame’s words sounded indifferent and he didn’t shut the door right into Jin’s face and that was good. Jin thought it was good. Kame wheeled back into the foyer, giving Jin space to enter the apartment and close the door behind him. Jin’s eyes followed Kame’s hands skillfully maneuvering the chair and Ran-chan was vainly trying to catch Jin’s attention.
“Ran! Don’t!” Kame reproved the dog to make her stop bothering the guest, lost awareness of his surroundings or where he was heading to, and one of the wheels bumped into a corner of the cabinet standing at the wall. “Shit,” a curse rustled up from the deep of his throat and Kame didn’t need to look up to know how Akanishi flinched, or to see the pity mirroring in the other’s eyes. Gritting his teeth, Kame composed himself enough to keep pushing the chair back to the living room.
Ran-chan sprung to her attention, turned around and quickly followed Kame so Jin was left alone in the foyer. The breath he let out despite not remembering he had been holding one was heavy and, surprisingly, careworn.
“Weren’t you coming in?” Kamenashi’s voice sounded from the other room, somewhere behind a wall or maybe two; Jin had no idea what the apartment looked like after all, and thus where Kame could have ended after disappearing.
“Uh…hn…yeah.”
Jin quickly took off his shoes and taking a deep breath, went to find the other.
Kamenashi busied himself in a spacious kitchen partly open to the living room and Jin had a hard time restraining himself from curiously peeking in to see what was going on.
“Take a seat. I’ll be there in a minute.” Kame appeared in the kitchen door. “Something to drink? Tea? Soda? Or coffee? I don’t have beer though and -”
“I’m fine. Thanks,” Jin replied without thinking too much about it. He didn’t want to be a bother. At least not before asking what he had come here for.
Kame rolled his eyes and silently snorted. “Come on. You invited yourself in so let me do this right. I’m a host and I’m offering a drink.”
“Soda is it then,” Jin sighed, defeated.
If he yet had to argue with Kamenashi, he sure as hell wasn’t to do so over a stupid drink. Jin looked around the elegantly furnished room that was not giving out a feeling that the one living there was disabled anyway. Kamenashi had always had a good taste when picking decor, or actually anything. Every single detail seemed to be fitting into the whole concept, the blanket crumpled on the couch and photo frames aligned on one of the window sills included.
Quickly making sure Kame wasn’t coming back yet; Jin curiously crossed the room to take a look at what photos might the other put on display for anyone to see. Leaving it on Jin’s guess, he would have thought about family members, especially his little niece. Kame had always had a soft spot for the girl after all, taking pictures of her and talking about her both behind and in front of cameras.
Jin recognized Kame’s brothers on the first picture. His parents on the second one. And a strange bragging stir ran through Jin when he realized he could still remember what Kamenashi’s mom had looked like years ago when Jin used to go over to Kame’s and they had played together, more likely had been just lazing around in Kame’s room, sometimes alone, sometimes with Yamapi.
Those times seemed to be so far away now.
Jin’s eyes flicked to the following photo but an ostentatious muffled coughing behind him didn’t give him a chance to see clearly whose faces were on the picture. Jin turned around and saw Kame once again in the doorframe, only this time there was a plate with two glasses lying on his lap. For a second Jin Thought for taking the plate and helping with carrying it to a table but his feet didn’t seem to follow his mind.
“Have you found anything interesting?” Kame’s question was calm and light, yet had Jin holding his breath in expectation of getting scolded. But Kame sent him a little smile and maneuvered himself closer to the low coffee table standing next to the couch, and placed the glasses on it.
“Sorry I…” Jin raised a hand and nervously scratched his nape, looking anywhere but at Kame. “Sorry.”
Kame didn’t say anything, waited for the other to finally sit down onto the couch. The whole situation was just weird. Akanishi Jin sitting in his living room and sipping soda was nearing the last thing Kame would have imagined to ever happen again. Their lives had parted a long time ago, even before their professional careers after all and there wasn’t much to talk about anymore.
Once Jin was seated, Ran-chan jumped up onto the cushion by his side and laid her head on Jin’s thigh, not minding the reproving glance Kame gave her.
“Why are you here, Akanishi?”
Jin was gently caressing Ran-chan’s back. It’s said that keeping a pet can be therapeutic at times; Jin slowly relaxed as his hand kept running over the soft body. Dogs liked Jin; maybe because they could feel he liked them back as much or maybe because his clothes usually smelled of his own pets.
“Directly to the point, right?” Jin sighed.
“If it helps me get you out of here, then yes.”
Well, that was not really the way Jin had hoped the conversation could go. However, since he had gathered enough courage to come here, he could as well just spill the reason and then leave exactly like Kamenashi would ask him to, yet assured he had done everything he could have.
“I…” Jin looked up, directly at the other and found Kamenashi was repaying the look. They stayed connected like that for a moment, eyes meeting eyes. Just that. Something they hadn’t done for a long time.
At the first sight, Kamenashi’s face hadn’t changed a lot. In his early thirties his features looked a couple of years younger than his actual age was. Kamenashi had always looked younger and acted more mature than he should have. It had been either rather amusing or annoying at times, depending on the situation. At the second sight though, when Kame’s eyelids fluttered, threatening with falling heavily closed, exhaustion was once again clearly written in the other’s face, and Jin shivered for a reason he was not to going to admit himself.
“You…?”
Now or never.
And never wasn’t even an option.
“I need your help,” Jin blurted out. When the words were out, he felt like finally being able to breathe freely again. Nothing else mattered now; Kame could both either agree or refuse and Jin realized either of those would be fine with him. He hadn’t been really expecting Kamenashi to talk to him at all to begin with; and the fact that he was sitting in the other’s living room could already be considered a success. Jin swallowed and looked up. “I mean… if you… didn’t mind or had time or… Ueda’s idea, not mine.”
Jin hissed, too late realizing he had said more than he should have, or chosen wrong words. - The only reason why he hadn’t thought of asking Kamenashi for help before was simply because hadn’t wanted to bother him and because the two of them hadn’t been really talking to each other for ages and…
Jin had sucked at talking to Kamenashi even before the other was sitting in front of him in a damn wheelchair. And Kame’s current condition was making everything only worse; at least for Jin for sure.
“The thing is…uhn… I need to write a song,” Jin spoke up again when he hadn’t got any reaction on his previous words. “It’s… They want to put it as a B-side on the next single.” It was impossible to miss the twitch in Kame’s face at the mention of an upcoming single, or how his hands unconsciously clenched into fists. “But everything I show them doesn’t seem to be right or fitting so I thought… well, Ueda thought that youcouldhelpme…”
“Me,” Kame let out as if making sure he had really heard the question right.
“No one else seems to have time. Otherwise I wouldn’t be bothering you, of course. And I will understand if…”
Kame’s initial tension slightly loosened yet didn’t go away completely. His hands were once again curled around the hand rims, holding tight on the only security Kame could rely on over the last years. When they had released him from the hospital, his doctor had told him the wheelchair must have become Kame’s best friend from the moment on. Kame had never heard a worse joke before. Ever. - And given that he had spent most of his life around Taguchi and listened to his jokes, such a realization ad been quite disturbing.
“It’s none of my business anymore.” Kame’s voice was a bit hoarse yet clear. “Haven’t they told you? I’m nothing but a name on the paper now, and with you being here, I soon won’t be even that much.” It was actually quite surprising the management had kept him in for so long despite his condition, the fact that he hadn’t been involved in any activities and his - soon to be former - group had been put on hiatus because of his absence. He had been expecting a call from the agency every day for nearly two years by now. There had never been one though and it was making him think. It was giving a hope Kame knew was vain.
He was not going back. He was not allowed to.
He couldn’t.
“They want a song from you. It’s your problem then.”
“Thanks for concern,” Jin snorted. He knew Kamenashi didn’t have a single reason to care, to help him, to be interested. Yet Jin had kind of hoped the other eventually would have felt all of it. “I guess I’ll have to manage on my own then after all and write something easy and with a simple melody… and everyone will be happy.”
“It’s not like you would bother yourself with something better anyway,” Kame’s reproach wasn’t even intentional, just an obvious statement yet had Jin itchy at the edge of the seat, flurry quickly coiling up into his limbs and head. Was this what Kamenashi really thought about him? Was this what Kame saw when looking at Jin? Just someone who would wittingly give an inferior effort when being forced to do against his will? Jin sucked in a sharp breath to defend himself - half-heartedly or not - but Kame was faster. “You know what hurts the most?” he started, and this time the words came out harsher. “It’s not the injury, not the pain I feel just before my body gives up in exhaustion, it’s not the knowing that my career… my life is over. What hurts the most is seeing someone who doesn’t give a shit suddenly turning up and becoming the hero and the savior in everyone’s eyes. Someone who is here only because of a fucking contract. Not because he wants to. So just give them some fucking simple melody, Akanishi, make fun of them, why not actually? Maybe they would eventually realize how little they mean to you. But don’t… don’t ask me to assist you on this.”
Ran-chan stiffened as the well known voice of her owner was getting darker and somewhat dangerous. A warning hiss. Something the dog hadn’t heard in ages and thus got her flustered. The warm hand caressing her back stopped as well, just lying there motionless now. Then her curious eyes caught a glimpse of Kame’s face, pale and grey and twisted in a little pain-stricken grimace no one else could notice if not looking carefully. Ran-chan wriggled her way out of Jin’s loose hold, jumped off the couch and made her a bit clumsy way up to Kame’s lap.
“What’s wrong with you!?” Jin snapped and pressed both palms into the cushion he was sitting on, as Ran-chan was not there to keep him calm anymore. Everything Kamenashi had said and had blamed him for had Jin’s blood boiling in his veins. In a wheelchair or not, no one, the less Kamenashi Kazuya, had the right to impute him for anything. For not giving his best when it came to writing songs above all. “I’ve even come here asking you for fucking help, whatever you don’t get it? Or just don’t want to get it? If I’m to get stuck with the group again then I want to do it right and want to show that Akanishi Jin still can write fucking good songs.”
Jin ignored Kamenashi’s doubtful, maybe even mocking glance because in fact, what he had said just now was in the direct opposite to why they were having this conversation.
“Help me write the song -” like in the old days “- and I’ll make sure the agency will know about it and give you credits,” Jin finished.
“You mean the same agency that can’t wait to get rid of me?”
Kame talking in a normal, low and a little hushed voice was good. Kame being upset only on the inside and not giving out his stirred emotions was reminding Jin of the old times, and like that he could adapt himself. Shouting at Kame and Kame shouting back, arguing with him aloud was new and weird and scary. And as much as Jin tried not to admit it, the scare was mostly coming from having the wheelchair right in his view all the time, a stable reminder of changes their lives - and Kame’s life especially - had been through.
“That’s not true!”
Kame’s fingers were gently playing with Ran-chan, teasing her and letting her lick each and every one of them. He wasn’t aware of her attention though. His mind was fully occupied with the offer Akanishi had come to him with.
Writing a song together.
The last time they had done so seemed to be beyond an eternity ago. At times when they had been able to sit in the same room for longer than ten minutes, talking to each other and not averting their eyes every time one of them unintentionally or by mistake glanced at the direction of the other’s seat. When being together hadn’t been a matter of work, but because they had wanted to.
“Really? Then why are you here, Akanishi? Surely not out of an urgent need to come back to the group you used to feel bound in. The group that used to hold you down from everything you wanted to do.”
“It was not…” Jin hadn’t even started and the next moment his words faded into a silence accompanied by a hissed curse. This wasn’t going anywhere and he was tired of making apologies for things and words he didn’t think needed an apology at all. “Right,” he nodded in the end, tensed fingers digging into the cushion, clenching it. He felt them stiffening in spasm, the grip becoming painful. “You are right. I didn’t ask to be here. And I’m not excited about Johnny’s decision. But it can’t be taken back. You may think whatever you want but I want to give my best with this song. I haven’t come back to take the group down because if this ship sinks, I’ll go down as well. And the fuck is that the future I want.”
Kame gulped heavily; Jin could even see the swallow undulate the front of the other’s neck. “Future is not something we can just decide for.” The words came out bitterly and dully enough for Jin to understand what Kamenashi was referring to.
“It can be though.” Jin shrugged then, hoping to ease the moment. “One of the things America taught me. The future can be what you make it like. Everything is up to you.”
Unless you have a fucking contract and Johnny Kitagawa practically owns you.
Jin frowned.
Entangled in the momentary, desperate anger over his helplessness, he didn’t notice Kame winced at the previous words. At the words about having the future in one’s hands because…
“I didn’t really ask for mine,” Kame mumbled tiredly.
Shit…
Jin sucked in a sharp breath.
What the hell had he thought in the first place? Even if a miracle had happened eventually and Kamenashi had decided to help him, the two of them could hardly work together. Now even more than before Jin was getting aware of how bad he was at watching his mouth and how sensitive Kamenashi was to what was being said. Clashes would have been to be expected and there was only a certain amount of apologies Jin’s ego could let be made. With Kamenashi around, this amount would have reached its ground way too soon.
Pressing his palms further against the couch, Jin pushed himself up. The glass on the table stayed almost untouched despite Jin’s throat being dry and itchy.
“I’m sorry,” Jin muttered. “I… Coming here might have not been the best idea after all. I didn’t want to argue or say something out of place, really. It’s just that you’ve always seemed to care about the group… about…KAT-TUN…” - why was it so hard to even pronounce the name all of sudden? - “and about what is best for it, and that this care went beyond just work and schedules and obligations.” Only now Jin realized he meant each and every word for real. Kamenashi was… used to be… caring and interested like that, only Jin had never noticed or never cared, and if he had noticed eventually then Kamenashi’s devotion had become nothing but a source of jokes between Jin and Ryo; with Yamapi butting in only occasionally because unlike Jin, Ryo and Shirota, Yamapi had stayed kind of close to Kamenashi since a long time ago. “I know the way so I can send myself off just fine, thanks for your time,” Jin said curtly, already taking steps to the door. “Goodbye.”
Afraid of looking back and facing any of the possible expressions on Kame’s face, Jin was quickly approaching the door in hope to get out of there as soon as possible.
He was already planning what to do next.
He might simply take one of his old - very old - ideas and try to do something about it, change some parts here and there. In fact, Jin couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought about it before. He always had more than a few songs in stock to either use them on an album or just written as a little exercise or because there was a nagging idea on his mind and he had to write it down.
Putting on his shoes, Jin was suddenly surprised by Ran-chan once again sniffing around him curiously and doing her best to lick his fingers and face and basically every bit of skin she got her muzzle closer to. Jin offered her a hand while slipping into the second shoe, and when he was about to stand up, he heard a silent crackling sound of wheels sliding over the wooden floor.
“Just to make it clear,” Kame said and Jin could hear the little change in his voice right away. This was Kamenashi Kazuya the cold professional. Kamenashi Kazuya focused on work, be it anything. “I don’t think this deal will work, for various reasons. But KAT-TUN was…is…” an awkward moment of searching for the right word or even trying to quickly decide what the right word should be, “KAT-TUN was important to me and it would be nice to see them on the top once again…”
Hearing those words, Jin forgot to breathe.
Could it mean that Kamenashi was willing to…? Willing to help him after all?
“I have three conditions though,” Kame went on, looking now directly at Jin and even in the poor light of the foyer and from across the room, Jin could see how serious Kame was about every word that left his mouth. Kame waited for Jin’s complying nod. “First. You will be coming over here. It’s not necessary for anyone to know what’s going on or that I’m involved. And I don’t…” Kame shook the rest of the sentence off, frowning a little. This was not about explaining Jin anything. This was about settling the rules. “Second. I can’t really work every day. Not on days when I have rehab in the morning. I’ll send you my schedule.”
Jin nodded again. “And the third?”
“Once the song is done, the deal will be over. This is a one-time thing. If you can’t find you inspiration - or whatever - by then, you’ll have to find another way out.”
“Okay. Sounds fair to me,” Jin agreed and gave the other a slight bow while Ran-chan was silently whimpering at his feet as if she could have understood what had just been said and was giving her assent, happy to see her owner working again.
Jin was already holding the knob, ready to leave with his lips curled into a little content smile when he heard Kamenashi’s voice again.
“One more thing, Akanishi. This is work. And at the same time it’s about KAT-TUN. Two things I’ve always been serious about. Helping you doesn’t change how things are between us. If I see you are not serious about KAT-TUN, we are done.”
The last thing Kame could see before the door closed behind Jin’s back was how Jin’s head slightly moved, hair grazing up and down the crumpled hood spread over his shoulders.
Agreed.
***
“So he really agreed.” Ryo took a sip of beer and leaned back, deeper into the comfortable seat in a corner of the rather dark box he, Jin and Shirota were sitting in, chatting and listening to the music played in the club. It was always nice to meet and enjoy a night out when there was no rush to be at work in the morning. Ryo had one of his rare days off the next day and Jin had a TV show filming only later in the afternoon. The only one actually working right in the morning was Shirota but that hadn’t stopped him from joining his two friends tonight.
Jin, with a glass placed at his lips but not drinking yet, nodded.
The afternoon at Kamenashi’s still seemed to be more a dream than reality. Jin could easily name all the moments during the conversation when he had been sure Kame would have eventually kicked him out of the apartment.
When nothing like that had happened in the end, Jin had been more than happy. And following Kamenashi’s conditions should be easy. He had no problem with attending Kame’s more than obviously luxurious apartment and spending there a couple of hours if it was what needed to be done for writing a song the management would approve. As well as he didn’t really mind keeping their collaboration in secret - with Ryo and Shirota being the only exception because they were Jin’s best friends and Ryo would have found out one way or another eventually anyway. Kame’s second condition about strictly given schedule of Jin’s visits was fine, too. Jin had a shitload of work himself, but they had managed to find suitable days to meet nevertheless. About the one-time-work issue, Jin wasn’t the one to question it anyway. Over the last years, he had got used to working on his own, writing his own music and lyrics and just because he had to ask for help now didn’t mean he would be eager to repeat it in the future.
“Did you torture him?” Shirota mused, teasing Jin and enjoying the killing glare Jin flashed him. Shirota grinned, showing his teeth and sticking his tongue a little. “What? Come on, as if you going and asking Kamenashi for help wasn’t already enough - him actually agreeing sounds even more suspicious.”
In a rushed move, Jin put the glass on the table and glanced up at Shirota over the table. “I did not torture him anyhow!” he shrieked, offended but pouting right away when it hit him that Shirota was nothing but mocking him. Ryo sitting between the two of them snickered.
“You two were hardly able to stay in the same room though,” Shirota reminded Jin what Jin knew well himself. No matter how light and cheerful the atmosphere might have been, everything had always frozen when he and Kamenashi had met at the same place. “Now I’m actually getting more and more curious about what song could possibly come out of this.”
“That’s something you’ll know in a couple of weeks.”
“As if you had ‘a couple of weeks’,” Ryo remarked, still grinning. The alcohol he had drunk so far was slowly making everything a bit blurred and he was not so careful about what he was saying.
Jin grimaced. “Thanks, Nishikido.” He felt Shirota leaned over the table and gave his shoulder a friendly, encouraging pat.
“How is it supposed to work anyway? Minus the part where you kill each other, of course.”
Jin was about to snap at Shirota but then found himself actually grinning at the stupid question. And a single look into Yu’s face told him the other was not far from bursting into a laugh as well, the corners of his lips twitching. And Jin realized, as he had already so many times, not everything about coming back to Japan was as bad as he had pictured it at the beginning. Even while living in the States, he had been coming over to meet with his family and friends as much as his work had allowed him to, because deep down he had missed everyone and everything for most of the time.
“I have no idea myself, to be honest,” he admitted, giving not only Shirota but also Ryo a good reason to laugh for real. “It’s still strange for me that he agreed…”
“Being listed in the credits of a KAT-TUN song sounds like a good motivation for me,” Shirota shrugged, bringing his glass up to his mouth and sending some of the bitter content down his throat. “Well, in case the song doesn’t suck of course… and we all know you so I wouldn’t be worried…”
“But I’m the one who came to him, Yu! I’m the one who does suck at writing right now if you forgot.”
“Oh,” Yu mumbled. He had almost forgotten about that particular detail.
“And I don’t think Kamenashi is after the credits anyway,” Ryo added thoughtfully. He let his finger absentmindedly slide along the rim of his glass and his eyes traveled from Jin to Shirota and back, meeting two similarly taken aback stares.
And that was definitely a surprise for Jin. “Really?”
“Really?” Yu echoed, getting curious. Kamenashi Kazuya wasn’t exactly the typical topic for their talks while going out for a couple of drinks after all. And Jin was usually the last one to start about him.
Ryo bit his lip, only then realizing he had once again talked before his brains could have caught up with the situation. “Never mind.”
“Come on, you and Yamapi have been practically baby-sitting him so if there’s someone to know what his intentions could be, then it’s you,” Shirota reasoned out and Jin nodded. Before Yu had started about it, Jin hadn’t been really questioning Kamenashi’s reasons for taking his request. Jin had been simply glad he hadn’t ended thrown out on the street and had now someone to help him with writing.
“For the record,” Ryo muttered peevishly, “We have not been baby-sitting him. Baby-sitting is the least of what Kame needs. And even if I knew his reasons for helping Jin - which I don’t - it’s his and only his business. Not yours.”
A pout crept back into Jin’s face. This pact between Kamenashi and Nishikido was getting more ridiculous with every word, every defense, every apology Ryo had for the other. Jin wasn’t used to hear Ryo talking that way about Kame, and judging by the doubtful look in Yu’s eyes, Shirota hadn’t heard much of that matter before either.
“You know something,” Jin narrowed his eyes in suspicion, the alcohol-dazed pupils shining through the cracks anyway in the colorful lights flickering all around the club every now and then and cutting the soft dimness inside. “You won’t fool me again. What is Kamenashi up to?”
Ryo’s eyes rolled up. “Right now he is the only one to help you and that should be all that matters.”
Jin grumbled something incoherent, most probably a curse, and shifted his attention to his drink again, ostentatiously ignoring Ryo. As if Jin needed a reminder of being saved by Kamenashi right now. He wasn’t yet drunk enough to not feel ashamed and bad about being in need of help. Of Kamenashi’s help.
“How is it going to work anyway?” Shirota was pondering a moment later when a young cute waitress had brought them another round of drinks, secretly giggling when she had recognized them. She must have been new in the club otherwise seeing two Johnny’s in a company of their similarly famous friend wouldn’t have been of any surprise for her at a place like this. By now, everyone in Japan must have at least overheard about Akanishi’s return to the country after all. When the girl had left their table, Jin had hoped for a topic change but apparently, Shirota was in his pushy, nagging mood tonight. “I can’t imagine you two in the same room talking like civilized people.”
“Hey! We were able to talk the other day! We are able to talk in a civilized way.”
“Even when he starts bossing you around because of the melody you would come up with?” Ryo pushed some more only for the merit of possible glee over Jin getting angry. Or desperate. Whichever would have come first.
Jin’s eyes were throwing invisible daggers by then. “Why should he be bossing me around?”
“Because it’s Kamenashi we are talking about and you used to whine about him pestering you all the time? It’s your words, not mine, Akanishi.” Shirota raised an eyebrow. “And now you will be in his apartment, practically dependent on him. And he knows it.”
“Kame is nothing like that,” Ryo said. “Hasn’t it occurred to you two that maybe he agreed because he misses it? Writing songs, working… doing something he knows and is good at? To get himself away from the shit which is his current life? Johnny cut him off completely after the incident after all.” It hadn’t been Ryo’s intention at first to talk about it but he couldn’t just sit there and silently listen to what the other two were talking about. What they were accusing Kame of. If Kame really had any ulterior motives then those had nothing to do with Jin. Only with Kame himself.
Shirota nodded after a while. “Makes sense to me.”
Meanwhile, Jin was trying to remember what Kame had been like during their conversation. His expressions, gestures. The tone of his voice. Could be Ryo right? Could Kamenashi agreed only to get closer to the music industry even for only one last time?
But why had he done such a fuss about it at first? Why all those rather harsh words of refusal?
Jin reached for the once again full glass standing on the table in front of him and took a gulp. He thought of the following days, a week or two if he was lucky and was provided such a generous amount of time by the management. About what those days might look like.
They had planned up to three evening meetings till the end of the week - with today being Tuesday - and possibly a couple of others if Jin was given more time.
Their first working session should be already tomorrow, right after Jin would be done with his filming. He had gotten a few ideas and wanted to talk about them with Kamenashi He was anxious and surprisingly also eager to hear the other’s opinion.
And if Kame had been really looking forward to them working together - or simply to be a part of the working process again - Jin could have been only glad for that. Excited Kamenashi had always meant Kamenashi working on 110 %, and that was something Jin really needed right now.
Drowned in his thoughts, Jin hadn’t been paying attention to what Ryo and Shirota had been talking about until there was a sharp nudge into his arm.
“What?” he turned to Ryo.
“Where have you gone?” Ryo looked a bit worried.
“Uh?”
Shirota grinned over the table. “Have you dozed off here or what? You can’t be out of it that much, you haven’t had more than me or Ryo.”
“What? No,” Jin shook his head as if there had been a need to defend himself, “It’s just… It’s gonna be kind of weird, isn’t it? Spending time where Kamenashi lives, invading his privacy and… and what if his girlfriend drops by and finds me there and asks?” He had no idea what he was babbling about. Just because Kame didn’t want the rest of KAT-TUN to know about their cooperation didn’t mean them working together was a top secret. Or was it? Had Jin only missed the part when Kame had been stressing it out?
Ryo and Shirota exchanged a quick look; and Shirota smirked.
But Ryo was the one speaking up. “I can assure you that’s not going to happen for sure. There is no girlfriend,” he added seeing Jin’s quickly growing confusion. “For all I know there might have been a few boyfriends, or guys Kamenashi was close to in the past but no one after the accident. He hasn’t been really sociable since then, you know?”
Jin didn’t really know though because from everything Ryo had said Jin had caught the only thing. “A few boyfriends?”
“Don’t act all surprised, Akanishi,” Ryo chuckled. “I’ve been telling you from the beginning!”
“I thought you were joking.”
If Jin had had time to give it a second thought, the truth was that he wouldn’t have been as surprised as he was upon learning about Kamenashi being gay. Honestly, a lot of things from the past suddenly made much more sense than back then.
Jin felt Ryo’s hand once again on his shoulder, only this time giving it a friendly pat. “Maybe I was. But it turned out to be truth.”
***
“I think it’s Kamenashi.”
Three pairs of glassy eyes turned upon hearing those words and the boy who had said them gave his rather shocked friends a genuine smile, yet with a little smirking twitch like he always did when having a malicious fun. And also the alcohol they had secretly drunk tonight had an indispensable role in his current state.
“Shut up, Notti!” Jin heard himself crying out; despite feeling a bit tipsy, with his head catching the meaning of the said words with a delay of a few seconds, he still felt offended in the place of his band mate and friend who Kusano had just insulted. “Kame is not!”
“Of course he is! He is the gayest person I’ve ever met - and I work with Tegoshi!” Kusano snickered and finished his drink, bottom up, putting the glass down on the table with a dull, crackling sound. “Tell him, Nishikido.”
They all switched their attention to Ryo’s spot and the boy flushed upon their inquiring, intent stares. He hated the position Kusano had pushed him into with his words. Teetering between his friendship with Jin - who was a friend of Kamenashi, for a reason Ryo couldn’t quite grasp - and Kusano - who could hardly let go of even the slightest reason to laugh at someone, his once used to be favorite colleague included -, was a hell of hard work and needed a delicate approach.
Which was something Nishikido Ryo had been always lacking.
“He may be a little too clingy at times,” Ryo shrugged, sensing both Jin’s mouth hang open and Kusano’s victorious grin. “And he never talks about chicks.”
“See? Even Tegoshi keeps babbling about girls all the time,” Kusano nagged some more.
Jin felt his breathing gradually quickening in growing annoyance. “That doesn’t prove a thing!” He turned to his other side where Yamapi was sitting all silent and seemingly uninterested, keeping himself out of the argument. Yamapi knew better than that, and unlike Jin, Yamapi could keep his head and emotions calm when facing Kusano and Ryo. “You won’t say anything? I thought you were Kame’s friend, too,” Jin pouted, sending Yamapi an accusing look.
“I am. But honestly, Jin, you can’t overlook all the obvious hints…”
Kusano burst into a loud, mocking laugh and Jin suddenly wasn’t sure why the two of them were actually friends.
***
When Kame’s voice called over the closed door and invited Jin in, Jin hesitantly entered the apartment, stepping right into a welcoming dance with Ran-chan jumping around him in glee. The dog had quickly remembered him and had learnt to like Jin all over again, showing her affection every time Jin stepped into the door.
As for Ran-chan’s owner, on the other hand, Jin was given a cold, non-committal greeting. Kame hadn’t even bothered with coming to the door, and Jin felt like slapping himself when the realization hit him only afterwards, when he entered the living room and Kame was sitting there in his chair, awkwardly not doing anything but waiting for Jin and Jin thought the other might have been as nervous about this as Jin was. Because even though they had agreed on working together and settled the fitting dates and Jin brought his guitar today, there was still a lot in the dark. A lot of things neither of them knew how to work out.
“Hi,” Jin said, hefting the guitar he was holding to show Kame he had come prepared and that he really meant it. He wanted this to work.
He had to want it because there wasn’t really another choice.
“You brought a guitar, nice.”
Kame was restrained but didn’t sound angry or fed-up or like he would have liked to push Jin out through the door in any moment.
Jin nodded, just a little. Still standing at the doorframe and indecisive between coming in and taking a seat or rather turning around and giving yet another chance to arguing with the management about one of his original songs.
“Yeah, I thought it could…”
Kame was looking at him, concentrated, waiting.
Ran-chan left Jin’s side and rushed over to Kame’s spot, sitting on the floor next to him and curiously peeking up and shifting her attention from Kame to Jin and back as if waiting for what would come next.
“… be useful since we are going to write a song and…” Jin knew he was babbling and that he should have shut up or maybe asked for something to drink. Or maybe he should have just taken a breath to calm down. There was something about Kamenashi that was making Jin nervous for no obvious reason, and he was old and mature enough not to make a big deal out of what Ryo had told him the last night so it couldn’t have been the reason of his shaky voice or a foot tapping the floor or fingers gripping the sheathed guitar. Kamenashi had been giving him chills even before Jin knew after all
And honestly, Kame was hardly the first gay Jin had been working with.
But he was surely the first former band mate of his in a wheelchair Jin had been working with and that was making him feel uncomfortable.
“I know it.” It came out of nowhere and Jin wanted to bang his head against the nearest wall right away. Well, only if he hadn’t been afraid of damaging any of the decorations hanging all over the place and thus making everything even worse...and if his feet hadn’t miraculously rooted into the floor.
Kame winced, sucking in a jerky breath. Then exhaled and gradually calmed down in a moment. “What exactly is that what you know?”
“Ryo told me. About you being gay.” Jin was looking at Kame now, waiting for a reaction. Any reaction. Anything but Kame sitting stiff in the wheelchair and repaying him the look, his eyes hard and intent and unreadable. Just staring back at Jin and not giving him a single hint of what Kame might have been thinking at the moment. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m fine with it. No problem. I have, actually, a bunch of gay friends in America and -”
“In what way exactly is that relevant to the song we are supposed to write?”
“Uh…it’s not?”
“Then I really don’t see any point at discussing it.”
Kame swallowed and letting his hands sag down to the hand rims of the wheels, he pushed the chair in the direction of the kitchen. Ran-chan promptly dodged not to be hit as Kame didn’t notice her sitting in the way. She sent him an injured glance and disappeared behind an armchair, curling up in the newly found hideout.
There were sounds of running water and glasses being taken out of the shelves, clicking against each other coming out of the kitchen, and Jin looked around worriedly. This hadn’t been the best start, even he could tell so far. However, Jin must have admitted he felt a bit better now when he didn’t need to pretend he didn’t know. Everything was once again clear between him and Kamenashi and they could focus solely on the music.
That would be, of course, if Jin’s mind was able to finally fully acknowledge that the only purpose of coming here and being here was for the sake of writing a song that would fit into KAT-TUN’s discography and would catch Japanese audience. Right now though, Jin’s mind was preoccupied with the framed pictures on the window sill once again. For no obvious reason though.
He wasn’t even that much curious about Kamenashi’s life after all, right?
“If you are done with sticking your nose into what is none of your business, we could actually talk about something more important than my private preferences,” Kame’s voice surprised Jin from behind and Jin hissed at the cold tone. They were moving in circles, taking one step forth and two steps back.
Gulping, Jin slowly turned around. When he finally faced the other again, Kame was sitting next to the couch and there were drinks lying on the table, as well as some little snack on a plate of a color matching with the light autumn color scheme of the kitchen. Jin wasn’t even surprised. Next to the plate, Kame had placed a notebook and a pen. Jin did his best to keep his eyes at the level of Kame’s emotionless face, restraining them from slipping down to where Kame’s inert legs were fastened in the foot rests.
“Sorry. I just… I just wanted to make it clear that I know and that Ryo… He didn’t say it on purpose, it just more like slipped out. And I’m fine with it. Uh. I mean I don’t mind, and you are right, it’s none of my business and if you don’t want…” Jin silently cursed the once again wrong choice of words, “I won’t start about it anymore.”
This must have been one of those elusive moments Kame had never thought he would live through.
Akanishi had no fucking right…
Kame breathed in, holding the air inside for a moment and then let it slowly go out. He had never been really talking about it. About stuff. And now, after the accident, there wasn’t a reason to anymore. Who would want him anyway? Why should anyone want to be with someone like him?
“Shall we start then since we are over with this?”
“Yeah. Sure. Sure,” Jin quickly shook his head up and down, approached the couch and took the guitar out of the case. Jin sat down and thrummed a few strings just to make sure everything was tuned; and he also hoped it could look good and professional in Kamenashi’s eyes. To show the other that Jin had come prepared and that he was serious about this. That writing a song was the reason for him kind of bothering Kame and that he didn’t want to make things more complicated than they already were. There wasn’t another reason for Jin to come here but their collaboration.
And it was following one of Kame’s rules after all.
This was about work. Nothing else. And Jin was supposed to be serious about it.
“Well then,” the tip of Kame’s tongue flicked over his lips. “Now, how exactly do you want to do this? Do you want me to listen to some of your already finished stuff and then hear my suggestions or…” Kame shrugged, sucking his lower lip into his mouth and letting it go again. “Are we starting from a scratch?”
“We could, yeah.” A hand pressed against the guitar. “To start from a scratch. Sounds good to me.” Somehow, everything seemed like it was starting all over. KAT-TUN returning to the music scene after two years of no new singles. Jin leaving his shining career overseas and coming back to Japan where many people hadn’t yet forgiven him for leaving. The two of them working together.
Again.
Kame nodded.
“Let’s write a brand new song for KAT-TUN then.”
Jin randomly pulled a few strings, mostly as a joke to underline Kame’s words with a sort of dramatic sound effect but in the end, the melody didn’t come out all that bad and Jin spotted a little smile on Kame’s face. He tried to repeat the tones and added a couple of more but those new didn’t fit well and Kame’s smile faded away again.
“Wasn’t bad,” Kame said and reached for his notebook to write something down. Jin had no idea what it could have been and wasn’t sure if he could ask. But then he rather focused on what Kame had said and that the random melody might have potential. And that was good because it was the first melody with a possible potential Jin had written in weeks. Everything was even better because Kame was the one who had said so, who had approved it, and Jin had no doubts about Kamenashi being his most strict critic.
“You think so?”
“I think so. Work on it and we will see what we get.”
Partly to Jin’s surprise, Kame stayed in the room and also Jin hadn’t been told to go elsewhere. Kame wheeled to the window, probably searching for some personal space and not to look like he wanted to watch what Jin was doing or peek under his fingers. Jin stayed on the couch where Ran-chan hesitantly joined him a moment later after hearing familiar sounds of a guitar.
With her being near once again, Jin started working on the melody that had crossed his mind before. It was almost as if he was playing it for the dog because her eyes were glued to his hands moving along the strings.
Every now and then, Jin glanced up to check on Kamenashi.
The other seemed to be drowned in thoughts and once in a while scribed a few short strokes down to the notebook.
Soon, Jin found himself side-glancing at what Kame was doing more than focusing on the guitar, and the tones were coming out messed up and not really according to the melody Jin had on mind. Seeing a frown of concentration on Kame’s forehead when he was scratching the words he eventually decided against was bringing Jin back into the past.
When they had been told their own lyrics or songs would be used for the very first time. When Kame had kept jamming one sheet of paper after the other in his fist because nothing he had written had been to his satisfaction.
And to Jin’s surprise, his thoughts and memories wandered also to the moment when Kame had sung him the finished song one afternoon. To how bright the sparkles of pride of himself in Kame’s eyes had been when Jin had told him the song had been ‘good’. Not great, not perfect. Just good.
Back then, there had been yet a long way to perfection ahead.
(part 4)