[fic] Waking Up from a Bad Dream (part 4)
“Do you miss it?” Jin pondered aloud, distracting Kame in the middle of writing a line.
Kame finished what he was writing and looked up, startled - and maybe a bit annoyed - by Jin talking to him. He had hoped the evening could have been silent and calm and they would have been working on their parts and then discussed everything and made eventual changes. But of course things couldn’t have been following the easier and simpler way. Not with Akanishi.
“Miss what?”
“This. Writing songs. Music.”
Jin put the guitar aside, making sure not to hit Ran-chan who had curled herself up into a ball and fallen asleep meanwhile, lulled by Jin’s thrumming. Seeing the careful move, Kame stiffened in rising panic because Akanishi not holding the guitar meant Akanishi not working, Akanishi wanting to do something else. Perhaps like talking.
“Not really.” But not even Kame himself believed those harshly said words as he heard himself saying them. A sigh. “Yes. Of course I do. You would, too. Everyone who has grown up in the world we have would miss it.”
“You could ask Johnny…”
“As if that was even an option,” Kame snorted, shaking his head. “How many times have you gone to Johnny with a request and he actually fulfilled it?”
“Oh…”
“Right. ‘Oh’ as in the sense of never.”
Jin looked away, scratching his nape. He felt a little stupid at the moment for even asking. Kamenashi had a fucking point in this. Going to Johnny-san and asking him a favor had never worked. The only favors the man was open to were those granting him profit. And even Jin must have admitted that keeping on a pay list someone who no longer fit into the perfect image of the boys in the jimusho didn’t make sense. As much as he hated the fact because if someone had ever matched the requirements of the entertainment world of Johnny’s Jimusho then it must have been Kamenashi Kazuya.
Well, at least before the accident…
“How did it happen?” Jin asked, right from the first moment sure that Kame would sweep it off right away. The accident was apparently another topic to bring them to walking on a thin ice. Thinking about it, Jin was actually surprised he had still been there and Kamenashi hadn’t thrown him out already a long time ago. “Ryo hinted something but nothing in particular.”
“Nishikido really should keep his mouth shut,” Kame grumbled.
“Or maybe you could talk a bit more.”
Walking on a thin ice. Definitely.
Jin knew he was risking with asking such invasive questions but he was not the type to chat about stupid weather and he was sure Kamenashi wasn’t one either; however, spending the whole evening in the same room without exchanging more than two or three polite words was weird. If Jin had wanted to write in silence and all alone, he hadn’t had to go over a half of the city to Kamenashi’s.
Writing a good song, a great song, needed stimulation, a spur of inspiration and that never came out of the blue, or at least not to Jin. And since Kamenashi had made it clear they were not to go anywhere outside this apartment, the only way to get one was to talk with the other. Jin only wasn’t really sure it would, or could, work because there hadn’t had been anything near conversation between them in years. And Kamenashi didn’t seem to desire for one at all, doing all he could not to let Jin any closer.
Jin hadn’t realized but now that he actually might have eventually not minded getting closer to Kamenashi. But he shook his head right away because that was not going to happen.
Not with the attitude Kame had been giving him the whole time.
“Talk about what, Akanishi? I doubt there’s anything Nishikido hasn’t told you yet. Or is there?”
“He…” Jin rolled his lip into his mouth out of nervousness, his foot tapping the floor, “What happened, Kame…nashi?” It was safer to keep the full name instead of the nickname Jin wasn’t sure he was allowed to use yet. It was more than enough they had cut out the honorifics… “Did someone neglect any precautions? You could…”
Kame’s eyes went wide open. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, Ryo said something and…”
“Ryo said, right. Now listen, Akanishi, because we are not talking about this again. If there’s someone at fault then it’s me. It was my fault,” Kame said calmly. His eyes were lowered to his right hand resting on the armrest of the chair. His voice didn’t tremble, didn’t stagger a bit. Then he took a breath. “I couldn’t focus on anything that day… My fault. No need to bother about it.”
However, not even the even tone of Kame’s voice and firm feeling those words were giving out could help Jin get rid of all nagging queries. “How? Why? I mean, you may be the most responsible, the most competent person I know. You always check everything at least five damn times no matter what. Even when the others make fun of you for it. What could possibly make you lose your temper and composure…?” Jin had been staring directly at Kame by the time his voice gradually faded away because then Kame looked up and their eyes met. And the very second it happened and Jin spotted the shadow of pain and hate and regret and something he didn’t have time to puzzle out in the other’s eyes, Jin knew this conversation was over.
As well as today’s visit.
“Then I guess I’m not as responsible as you think. Or your usual companions are more feckless than I think,” Kame rasped dryly and closed the notebook with a loud flap of the pages.
When Jin was leaving the apartment not more than ten minutes later after packing the guitar and two vain attempts to talk to Kame more than just a polite good-bye, he felt a couple of eyes at his back and turned around… only to see Ran-chan peeking from behind a corner.
“Ran, come here!”
And she followed her owner’s words and went.
***
In his dreams, Kazuya could fly.
See the world from above. A colorful mess of clothes and hair and lights and uchiwas behind a thin veil of darkness just before all the limelight’s would go on.
If he couldn’t fly though, everything hurt.
In his dreams, Kazuya wished to be falling forever.
Without touching the ground.
***
The next morning after the day Jin had left Kame’s apartment with no idea whether or not was he allowed or desired to come back, was one of those Jin wished to spend just lazing in bed.
However, he eventually overcame the worst of his gloominess and dragged himself into the kitchen. A short note from Reio was lying on a table together with a ticket for his brother’s play in the evening. Jin hazily remembered Reio might have mentioned something earlier but with everything that had been going on in Jin’s life these days, following also his brother’s schedule was impossible. The note didn’t exactly read Jin had to come to see the play, but since it was his day off, he might eventually drop by to show some brotherly support.
Jin took a shower and fixed an instant ramen for breakfast. He wasn’t in the mood to sit and go through what he had written yesterday. Each time his look grazed the guitar case standing in a corner meant a bitter flashback of the look in Kamenashi’s eyes when Jin had asked the most improper question he could have. Along with interrogating Kamenashi about his sexual preferences of course, Jin’s mind added and he closed his eyes because if he kept them closed long enough he might make the world - and Kame - forget about the yesterday’s catastrophe.
While sipping his morning coffee and thinking of how to spend the day, as most of his friends currently lived at the other side of the world and those who didn’t were busy with their work and lives, Jin couldn’t ditch away a nagging idea of going over to Kamenashi’s, to apologize and settle the matter between them.
It was stupid though because according to the schedule, today was the day Kame would go to the rehab center and that meant Jin was not allowed to be anywhere near. Especially after what happened the previous day.
Finishing his coffee, Jin took the empty mug back into the kitchen, catching a glimpse of the ticket he had left lying on the table untouched. He was yet not decided what to do.
He didn’t have to decide there and then though, as there was still plenty of time till the evening, and Reio would surely call him later to remind him.
That was when his phone started ringing.
Ryo’s number shining on the display made Jin curious when he accepted the call and greeted his friend. It wouldn’t be bad if Ryo wanted to meet during the day, to have a lunch together or anything after taking Kamenashi back from the rehab.
Knowing about Ryo’s role in Kame’s life was still more than strange, and sort of intriguing, and Jin hadn’t yet decided what to think about it.
“Good, you are awake,” Ryo started without as little as a greeting.
“Of course I am.” A glance at the digital clock blinking on a microwave oven on the kitchen counter told Jin it was nearly 11 AM and a frown ran across his forehead. Ryo’s teasing remark sounded a bit mean in the light of realization of the time. “What were you thinking?”
Ryo snickered. “Don’t forget that I know you and you are a hopeless case in the mornings.”
“Is there an actual reason for calling me? Other than mocking?”
The snicker vanished and the line was completely silent for a moment, which was weird because among all of Ryo’s rather doubtful habits and kinks, being silent during a phone call wasn’t one of them.
“Something unexpected has suddenly come up and I have to leave to Yokohama in an hour,” Ryo’s voice was worried and at first, Jin wasn’t catching up. “A last minute appointment for Kanjani and a car will be here in any minute so…”
“Well, enjoy whatever it is?”
Ryo let out a silent sigh. “Thanks but that’s not why I’m calling.”
Jin was about to ask for the reason then. - It was not like Ryo wasn’t allowed to call whenever he wanted though; he was and he did so, more often than not, but Jin couldn’t really mind because he did the same. Despite the different time zones that had been separating them yet until recently. - But then he didn’t have to ask anymore because Ryo was talking again after clearing his throat a little.
“Kame has an appointment in the rehab center today and I was the one to take him there… remember?”
Shit. Right.
For a second, Jin had actually managed to erase Kamenashi from his head. Now the other was back in there, and Jin knew what Ryo’s sudden call was about and he wished he had his day planned till the very last minute, scheduled with important events and stuff he couldn’t have missed or excused himself from.
However, there was nothing. Nothing but a possibility of attending Reio’s show later, and Ryo was Jin’s friend so in the end, Jin would agree on whatever Ryo would ask him to do…
“Now I can’t, obviously. Could you…?”
“Not the best idea,” Jin mumbled as the first and the last attempt to stop everything.
‘He and Kamenashi’ was about work. Jin had been sticking his nose into inappropriate matters more than enough already. Kame wouldn’t have been excited about seeing him today. About Jin taking him to the rehab facility. About Jin being a witness of what someone like Kamenashi must have considered a moment of weakness, and Jin knew how much Kame used to hate looking weak in front of the others. His pride used to hate it. And some things surely hadn’t changed after the accident, maybe had become even more outstanding.
“Maybe not the best but the only one I have for sure. Come on, Akanishi!” Ryo insisted. There was an underlying despair in the tone of his voice and Jin didn’t have any doubts Ryo asking him was the last option left.
“Do you realize he won’t be happy about me going with him, right?”
“He wouldn’t be happy about missing the rehab more though.”
Ryo might have a point in this, and Jin hissed. “If something happens, remember it’s entirely your fault.”
“Why -” Ryo gasped then his brain caught up with what Jin had said. “Wait. What happened between you two? What have you done, Akanishi?”
“Nothing!” Jin shrieked, offended. Why was Ryo automatically expecting the worst from him? Jin pouted then the pout turned into an annoyed grimace because this time, without even knowing it, Ryo had had all rights to think so. Jin had screwed up. And maybe more than usually. “Well, I might have said something…” - Ryo on the other side of the line sucked in a sharp breath. - “But it was not my fault! Why is he not talking to me, Ryo? It’s frustrating enough to be in the same room but it’s a million times worse when there’s this fucking silence, and he doesn’t even seem to care!”
“You two haven’t been talking for ages, Jin! You should be grateful he actually agreed and let you into the same room with him. I must say it was a surprise.”
“But…”
There were muffled voices in the background on Ryo’s side and Ryo replied someone before talking into the phone again. “The car is here. Can I depend on you today or not?”
With a defeated sigh, Jin nodded then realized Ryo couldn’t have really seen it and thus taken it as the answer. “When do I need to pick him up? And above all - does Kamenashi know about the changed plan?”
Kamenashi knew.
Another question though, was about Kamenashi being excited about the change of plans. The drive to the rehab center more than anything resembled the first time Jin had visited Kame after his return to Japan a few weeks ago. Kame was perfectly polite yet cold and keeping his distance.
It was not really comfortable for Jin but still better than arguing. Kame looked kind of tired with dark bags under his eyes and a pale face. His hair was pulled back into a little messy ponytail, only a few strands were sticking everywhere around his face, partly covering the visible signs of tiredness and a sleepless night.
On their way to the rehab, Jin was told as much as that the procedure could take up to two hours and Kame didn’t mind Jin leaving after they would get there. Kame said Jin must have had his own plans and Kame didn’t want to be a bother. Once the exercises were over, Kame would call a taxi or the hospital would take care of his safe way back home. Jin didn’t have to -
However, Jin imagined Ryo’s reaction if he had really left Kame there; and a possible leaving was out of option sooner than his mind had fully processed the idea.
They arrived, and Jin was carefully observing how Kame skillfully got himself out of the car into the wheelchair, and despite thinking of lending him a hand at one moment, Jin clenched his hands into fists and didn’t put on a single attempt to help Kame with anything. Only a mental image of Kame’s possible reproachful look seemed to be more than enough.
During the ride, Jin had tried to apologize. He had apologized actually. However, Kame hadn’t wanted to hear it today - or maybe ever -, had just nodded saying everything was fine now and they would not talk about it again. They would focus solely on the work to be done. No more invading each other’s privacy or lives.
“It’s a work, remember?”
And Jin remembered the words Kame had said in the car exactly the moment a young nurse appeared in front of him some time later. Kame had been taken into one of the rooms at the end of a long hallway and Jin had been dodging around the place, watching a simple, peaceful decoration on the walls then had bought himself a coffee in a machine standing nearby. There hadn’t been anyone to talk to which might have actually been a good thing, else someone might have recognized him or even worse, taken a picture of him; and if there was anything Kame could have wished for less than having Jin around then it must have been having paparazzi and public chasing after him.
“Ano, are you here with Kamenashi-san?” the nurse asked, eyeing Jin suspiciously until her eyelids fluttered in realization. A smile twitched in her face but she didn’t say anything, slightly bowing.
“Has anything happened?” Jin startled. He should have asked Ryo what exactly was the rehab about. The sterile, white surroundings were making him naturally nervous and not knowing the details was making everything just worse.
The girl smiled and shook her head. “Everything is fine. I am here to take you in.” She didn’t notice Jin stiffened upon hearing the suggestion. And then: “The other friend of Kamenashi-san who usually brings him here is always inside.”
Nishikido…
“Kamenashi-san likes having a company while taking the procedure,” she said and waited for Jin’s answer.
Surely not mine though, Jin frowned. “You mean that Nishi…ehm…the other friend is always inside with Kamenashi-san, right? What does he…?”
“They usually talk,” the girl hurried to explain. “The procedure can…uhm…get uncomfortable or even a little painful sometimes. The body doesn’t react in the same way each time and talking can be a distraction, you know?”
“And Kame…” Jin’s voice jumped an octave and he completely lost control over it. “He knows I would… that you…”
A nod of her head took Jin aback.
“Of course! I wouldn’t be here asking you if the client didn’t ask me first.”
“Oh.”
Flabbergasted, Jin followed the girl into the door Kame had disappeared in before. Just before entering the room, Jin threw the empty can of coffee into a trash bin standing by the wall, took a deep breath and then held it, forcing it out only a moment later when already in a big, light room with huge windows covered with shutters. It still resembled a hospital room a little, but not as stressful and not giving chills, with nice, relaxing music quietly playing in the background.
Jin’s look roamed around the room, noticing various instruments, from those looking awfully clinical and steel and sterile to those reminding of toys from kindergarten, colorful little balls and plastic spirals and objects of different sizes and colors and materials.
Jin had had only a moment for pondering about what all those could be useful for because then a light chuckle caught his attention. His eyes met a middle-aged man and right after slipped a bit lower to the table the man was standing at.
The very first instinct told Jin to look away immediately and he followed.
Only for a second though.
This wasn’t the first time he saw so much of Kamenashi’s skin. In the past, they used to share the dressing room, occasionally had spent nights in the same hotel rooms and communal showers had been something common since their Juniors days. Little shame had existed between young boys; and just because Jin might have forgotten about it over the course of years, the reality must have been different for Kamenashi.
Moreover, Kame had never been a prude to begin with.
But things were different for young teenage boys stealing rather curious glances at each other while showering or changing clothes and for two adults, almost strangers above all, when one of them was fully dressed and the other was motionlessly lying on a table on his stomach, head resting on bent arms and only a small white towel covering his hips and butt. Kame’s eyes were closed but Jin could catch a little twitch of the other’s eyebrows and figured out Kame must have known about his presence.
The nurse smiled at him and getting a gesture from the doctor, she bowed and left.
“Ehm…uh…hi?” Jin faltered, trying to look anywhere but at Kame but always ending with his eyes fixed to the calm, stock-still body on the table. It looked like Kame had been sleeping. Only he wasn’t and Jin had no fucking idea what was going on.
“Akanishi-san,” the doctor gave him an acknowledging bow and Jin repaid the same, polite way.
“I…un…is it fine for me to be here? Because I wasn’t sure but the nurse said and -” Jin looked back over his shoulder in confusion but the door was closed and he was inside so he probably hadn’t just made everything up, had he? “And I’m just an escort, or maybe even less, a drive… but she said you might want a company and…” Jin shuffled his feet, shrugged his shoulders. “I should wait outside.”
Jin turned around. His eyes fixed to the doorknob. His way out of this.
“Wait, Akanishi.”
Kame…
Jin froze. “Yes?”
“Could you… If you didn’t mind…” Kame was a bit stammering but his voice had its usual volume and tone. The problem wasn’t to say them aloud but the possible answer. The possible rejection. “Could you stay? Of course only if you don’t mind…”
“Really?”
“The other friend of Kamenashi-san who usually brings him here is always inside.”
“Kamenashi-san likes having a company while taking the procedure.”
“I wouldn’t ask,” Kame muttered and Jin somewhat calmed down because peevish Kamenashi was something Jin could deal with. Something Jin already knew what to expect from.
Yet at the same time, now it became impossible to separate the peevish Kamenashi and the Kamenashi who wanted him by his side at the moment like this.
“O-okay then,” Jin nodded and looked around again, this time ignoring most of the room equipment but searching for a chair or something to sit on; his eyes once again catching glimpses of Kamenashi. Unwittingly. Jin had little power to stop it, feeling like an idiot and cursing himself because he couldn’t stop wondering about what Kame’s inert, dead legs looked like. If it was possible to tell Kame couldn’t move them or not only by looking at them. But of course those thoughts were stupid and Jin couldn’t believe he hadn’t yet pushed them away. Or maybe he had done so but they kept coming back.
Eventually, the doctor beckoned to the corner of the room, showing Jin a chair to sit on and after one more hesitation, this time upon pondering about the right, acceptable and proper place to put the chair at, Jin finally sat down a couple of steps away from the table Kame way lying on.
“Shall we start now, Kamenashi-san?” the doctor asked. “Everything fine?”
Kame’s “yes” was silent and came out more like a sigh. He closed his eyes again; and Jin thought that staring at the floor under his feet for the following hour or two would be one of the weirdest things he had ever done. There was nothing much to see there.
But then he sensed, or rather spotted from a corner of his eyes, that the doctor had started with the treatment and Jin’s occasional curious peeks to the table gradually turned into an unflagging interest. The doctor was taking one needle after another - up to ten centimeters long, thin needles -, and was inserting them into the skin along Kame’s spine in two parallel lines running from Kame’s shoulder blades down, almost to where the towel was covering the mould of his ass. Jin wasn’t really watching the time but subjectively, it felt like hours as the doctor was progressing very slowly, taking time with every needle, slightly massaging every spot he was going to pierce with a sharp point.
“Do you miss America?”
The question came out of sudden, surprising Jin unprepared. He looked up and saw Kame was now looking at him.
“Eh?”
“Do you?” It was obvious Kame was trying to relax every time he felt the pressure against his skin, and his eyes blinked whenever a needle was inserted. It wasn’t painful but a little uncomfortable.
“I…” Jin shrugged, not knowing what answer Kame might have been expecting to hear, Jin decided to go with the truth in the end, “Yes. Yeah. And no.” Well, that was unexpected. Jin cleared his throat, hesitantly checking on Kame. And Kame was looking back at him. The presence of the doctor was making Jin a bit nervous while speaking but then again, if Kame didn’t mind and trusted the man then Jin could do, too, right? Ryo did as well, otherwise he wouldn’t have been accompanying Kamenashi to the rehab on a regular basis after all. And above all, the doctor seemed to be fully focused on pricking needles into Kame’s back anyway. “I miss doing what I want.”
“You always do what you want,” Kame mumbled more into his hand than for Jin to hear it.
However, Jin did hear it anyway. And frowned. If Kamenashi wanted to argue, he had chosen the worst possible moment. Jin bit off whatever first retort had come on his mind.
“And I miss people there. Not only friends but people I was working with as well. They all were like a family, you know?”
“I see.”
The doctor proceeded with the treatment to Kame’s neck and then inserted a few needles to Kame’s temples. That was when Kame had to stop moving his head for a moment and Jin lost contact with the other’s eyes.
“However,” Jin continued, “there are things in Japan I missed while in the States. And for them, I’m kind of glad I can be here again.” The moment he said it, Jin couldn’t believe those words had left his mouth. And he was glad Kame couldn’t move to look at him or see Jin’s surprised expression.
This was what he had wanted, wasn’t it? To talk with Kame.
When also the last needle was carefully pinned on Kame’s temple, the doctor whispered something Jin couldn’t hear but judging by the little nod of agreement Kame gave as a reply, Jin concluded the question was about whether Kame didn’t feel any pain or discomfort.
Then the doctor bowed and left.
Them being suddenly alone and the needles sticking from Kame’s back and head as well as Kame’s obvious calm about the fact he looked a little like a porcupine - which was something Jin was never ever going to say aloud or think about again - poked Jin’s curiosity. And made him a bit anxious.
“Wait. He’ll not leave you like this, right? He… should I go and bring someone? The nurse seemed nice so maybe she…”
Kame chuckled. - And Jin would have felt offended but he didn’t because seeing Kame this relaxed and almost light-headed, even though only for a one, fleeting moment was nice.
“Of course not,” Kame answered in a light tone, “he’ll be back in fifteen minutes to continue the procedure.” There was a frown Jin didn’t understand where it had come from, and then the hint of smile in Kame’s face disappeared. “There are still exercises and nerve stimulation to come.”
Jin unwittingly scanned Kame’s lying body with all the needles in and held a breath not to randomly think of the animals Kame’s form resembled at the moment. Again.
Exercises and nerve stimulation. Right. The acupuncture was only the first part of the procedure. Only that Jin had no idea what was hidden behind those words, and he had watched enough movies to not have a good feeling about anything which had ‘stimulation’ and ‘nerves’ put together.
“I didn’t think Johnny would go as far as bringing you back. Or forcing you to come back,” Kame said then, keeping his eyes turned from Jin despite now there was no given reason for him not to move anymore. The light moment from before was gone. Jin caught himself missing it. “You weren’t a part of the group long before you went solo. No one thought you would be called back. Even fans got used to it somehow. The others they… I think we all thought about the worst possible scenario. An eventual disbanding.”
“Johnny is unpredictable. Always has been.”
“Usually only about certain things though. About you.” Kame closed his eyes and Jin could tell the other was tired. It almost looked like he hadn’t slept well.
Jin didn’t dare to go as far as thinking Kamenashi’s insomnia might have something to do with the little argument they had had yesterday.
“Kame…”
“Could we just… not talk for a moment now?” Kame’s head moved, turned to the side and his dark eyes found Jin’s. “Can we?”
Jin’s throat got dry.
This was it. This was when they would go back to not talking. A shiver ran down Jin’s spine and made him fidget on the chair.
“We can finish this conversation later,” Kame suggested. “Tomorrow, maybe. When you come over.”
“Does it mean you’ll talk to me again?”
Kame’s face looked peaceful when a single flutter of his eyelids was as much as an affirmation and then the eyes stayed closed. He was just soundlessly breathing. Jin didn’t feel any rush to say anything more because he knew they would talk later. Today. Tomorrow. Later.
For a second, Jin considered thanking Ryo later for asking him to accompany Kamenashi today. The day turned out better than it might have looked at first.
In the silence of the room, Jin was sitting as motionless as Kame was laying only a few steps away. Unlike yesterday evening though, this time Jin didn’t feel like going crazy because of it. This time, at the most unexpected place and under circumstance so unfitting and so beyond belief, Jin didn’t mind sharing a moment of silence with Kame.
A moment of silence different from those they had been through in the past.
There was nothing gloomy about it, nothing heavy. No unspoken reproach.
Every now and then, Jin’s eyes wandered to the table as if to check on Kame. He saw how the other’s upper body was moving up and down with every breath taken, how the thin, frail needles were wavering with every move, how the lean muscles of his upper arms were twitching with random spasms but Kame didn’t seem to mind.
Then Kame was mumbling something and Jin soon recognized it was a melody. The humming was coming out raspy, wheezing deep in Kame’s throat. A little trembly but understandable. Jin was tempted to ask about the song because he found himself liking it a lot. Despite being all silent and feeble, the melody itself was actually strong, carrying an intense feeling. Something Jin could imagine with drums and guitars. Something he remembered and knew from the past.
As silently as he could, so Kame couldn’t have heard anything, Jin hummed the melody himself, mirroring the muffled tones he could hear.
He didn’t notice his head started slightly nodding into the rhythm…
The moment was ripped by a cracking sound of the opening door when the doctor came back exactly fifteen minutes later. Kame’s eyes shot open and even though Kame seemed to do his best to avoid a direct look at Jin, Jin couldn’t shake off a feeling he might have spotted a shadow of alarm splashed over Kame’s face. The twisted features so different from those quiet from before. Those lulled by the melody Jin had now safe on his mind not to forget a single tone.
During the following hour and a half Jin kind of understood what Ryo had meant while talking about Kame being exhausted after the visits at the clinic. There was no doubt left in Jin that everyone would be exhausted after spending nearly two hours working out, even people with more movable limbs than Kame had. The exercises looked - and surely were - physically hard. Jin might have not been the right one to judge it because everyone knew about his aversion for workouts in general but Kame was gritting his teeth and sweating and his muscles were strained. He was literally begging for a short pause between different kind of exercising - which he wasn’t granted, either because the therapist was a sadist or because he fucking knew very well to motivate Kame to do more than his best.
That was when Jin’s presence found its place.
He quickly understood it was better if he talked to Kame, told him random things about whatever came across his mind.
He told Kame about the first place he had rented in L.A. after coming over there. About the old landlord who had never remembered who had already paid and who hadn’t. The guy had a cute little granddaughter who had learnt to like randomly knocking on Jin’s door and then hiding behind a corner, snickering too loud yet still thinking Jin hadn’t known about her. Jin told Kame about traveling and never ending jetlags and how he had found out the merits of sleeping every little moment he could, be it anywhere, even surrounded by loud noises and people passing by.
When the doctor was trying to talk Kame into intentionally contracting his calf muscles yet no matter how much Kame seemed to try nothing was happening, Jin was talking about things he didn’t like about America. - He ignored Kame’s poignant “there were any?” remark; however, didn’t feel offended by it anyhow as Kame didn’t sound bitter about it anymore. Just teasing and being mean to overcome helplessness. - The doctor was rubbing the back of Kame’s legs, skillful palms and fingers massaging the muscles from ankles up to just under the towel and down again.
When the torture was over and Kame was drenched in sweat, the doctor carefully took all the needless away and Kame’s back remained sprinkled with dozens of tiny red spots even after being treated with disinfection.
“Is everything fine, Kamenashi-san?” the doctor asked and Kame nodded, slightly panting.
Kame didn’t move to look after the doctor’s voice because then he would have needed to prop himself on his hands and turn over his shoulder. And considering how shaky he felt at the moment, Kame knew he needed more than a few minutes of the previous enjoyable massage to get himself together. However, he nodded nevertheless. It was nothing unusual anyway, he could stay as long as he needed and only when feeling strong enough, he would get himself into the shower in the next room, and then put his clothes on.
“Is it… that’s all, right?” Jin was just making sure because the answer was obvious.
The doctor nodded and Jin took it as a hint to leave the room and give Kame some privacy. He needed coffee. Or maybe something a bit stronger but he was in hospital and he still needed to get Kamenashi home so coffee would have to work for now.
“You should stay here, Akanishi-san, and keep an eye on whether everything is alright. I could send a nurse over here to take care of everything but Nishikido-san usually…”
“I’m fine,” Kame grumbled from over the room. “I can do it myself today. Thanks for your concern.”
The doctor sent him a doubtful glance and even Jin could notice the jerky spasms running through Kame’s body whenever he made even the tiniest of moves.
Kame hissed and sagged down on the table, cursing his body for betraying him at the moment he needed it the least. Was it too much to ask for a moment of privacy?
“I’ll send a nurse.” The doctor bowed.
“No.” Kame’s shriek jumped an octave and blood rushed up into his cheeks.
Jin licked his lips, thinking hard before making up his mind: “I’ll stay here. If… if it’s okay with you,” he looked at Kame.
“No it’s not,” Kame was muttering peevishly but didn’t put on any effort to stress his objections anymore. Thus the doctor bowed for one last time and walked out of the room, leaving the two men alone again. “Why don’t you just disappear back to America again?” Kame groaned into his bent arms, pressing his forehead again the table.
“Kame-…?”
A sigh. And one more. And Kame shuffling and fidgeting around until he supported himself with his hands, palms pressed flat against the table, and he got his body into a somewhat sitting position. The angles were all awkward though, as his legs stayed exactly the way they were when Kame was lying. He quickly made sure the towel was covering his private parts. Sweaty strands of hair were sticky against his forehead and his lower lip quivered when Kame spoke up.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I just need to get home and sleep this off.”
Jin hesitated; the underlying surrender in Kame’s apology - and Kame actually apologizing - sent a cold prickle down Jin’s spine. Before, Kame had made it clear he hadn’t wanted Jin inside the room anymore yet then hadn’t been given another choice and now they were stuck in here together. Moreover, Kame seemed to be in pain and on the verge of exhaustion and Jin felt helpless. Then Jin cut the distance between the spot he had been standing and the table, seeing Kame’s eyes went wide in realization and an unspoken protest and maybe fear.
“Aka-”
Jin pulled the wheelchair along and parked it just by the table. “Let me help you…” Jin reached for Kame and helped him to sit. “Just this time and then we can once again go back to being distant. I bet you would let Ryo do it.”
Kame released a defeated sigh. Akanishi was right. He would have let Ryo help him if it had been Ryo accompanying him today. But things were different when with Ryo and now with Jin.
Definitely different.
Kame thrashed around to get rid of Jin’s hands, one gripping his shoulder while the other was placed around his waist as Jin was pondering about the best way to get the other from the table into the chair without hurting either of them. Jin hadn’t been expecting any rash move. Then Kame jerked restlessly, and Jin’s hand slipped down, landing directly on Kame’s lap covered with the towel.
They both froze, each for a different reason.
Kame yelped. Crimson flush flooded his cheeks and everything got hot, burning, sending hot waves into his whole body from where Jin’s hand touched him over the fluffy fabric.
And even though Jin had pulled his hand away the moment it had made contact with Kame, he couldn’t have missed the obvious.
The awkward situation had them blushing and intentionally avoiding each other’s eyes.
Having learnt his lesson the hard way the previous day, Jin sucked in a breath. Rather than uttering something stupid and improper like usually, he braced himself to keep his mouth shut, pressed his lips tight together and was waiting for Kame’s move.
“It’s…” Kame cleared his throat a moment later, finally having composed himself enough to focus and speak again, “… completely normal. He has had his hands all over me for more than an hour, you know?” - And you have been watching it. - “Nothing but a subconscious body reaction.” Saying it aloud didn’t sound half as convincing as it had in his head a second ago. Was he really talking about his arousal with Akanishi now? The flush in his face got deeper.
Jin nodded, feeling a lump in his throat. His fist was resting next to his side now, clenched tight and pressed into the padded table.
“Well… at least you know everything works down there?” Jin turned to Kame with an inquiring yet teasing grin and Kame smacked his head in the first rush of amusement. He didn’t know where it had come from. He hadn’t thought about his reaction at all. It had just happened and Jin didn’t seem minding all that much.
Then it wasn’t awkward at all.
Jin couldn’t stop the smile growing in his face.
They kept giggling for a moment; which eventually turned longer than any of the moments they could remember having fun together, before Kame nudged Jin’s shoulder and beckoned to the wheelchair.
“Bathroom?” Jin got the hint.
“Please. But keep your hands to yourself this time,” Kame’s reply came out prompt and sharp and in a light, teasing tone. However, when Jin carefully placed his hands on Kame’s sides to help the other lift up, Kame made sure to clutch at the towel and prevent it from possible sliding. Jin’s hands were hot on his skin, radiating heat and security, even though Jin himself looked unsure when at one moment, in between the table and the chair, Kame happened to be completely in Jin’s mercy, hanging mid-air with no chance to get a hold on something if Jin had dropped him.
When Kame was seated and had checked everything important was out of Jin’s sight he found himself releasing a breath of relief he didn’t remember holding. The tiredness was getting back down on him, his muscles were uncontrollably twitching; however, when Jin reached for the handles to give Kame a ride to the bathroom as promised, Kame was quicker to react, grabbed the hand rims and wheeled himself to the bathroom doors as fast as possible, leaving surprised Jin behind.
The drive from the rehab center back to Kame’s apartment was going much more smoothly than the previous one there. It seemed almost unbelievable how only a couple of hours could change so many things. And yet a lot of others hadn’t changed at all. The atmosphere between them remained stiff, minus a few occasional moments every now and then which Jin had quickly grown to treasure.
While working together, everything had been always a lot easier when he and Kame had been getting along. When they hadn’t been, the tension had been making the whole process difficult and hard to bear with.
Kame started falling asleep the moment Jin helped him into the car and fastened the belt around the other’s body. Not minding Kame’s grumbling about not being completely helpless and still perfectly capable to do some things on his own, Jin swept Kame’s hands away and took care of double checking both the belt and the fastening. He felt Kame’s eyes mocking him for all the precautious but once the car finally moved and Kame started alternately snoozing and convincing Jin he was awake the whole time, Jin was glad he didn’t have to worry about Kame suddenly losing balance while the car was taking a turn.
Jin drove into a parking lot in the underground of the building Kame lived in, got out of the car and picked up the wheelchair from the trunk, set everything ready for Kame to easily slip from his seat into the chair, only to see a moment later that Kame was peacefully sleeping in passenger seat. His head was tilted to the window side a little, and hard curly strands of hair were falling down his forehead and cheeks. Steady, calm breaths were coming in and out through slightly parted lips.
Jin thought of carefully taking the sleeping form into his arms to bring Kame up into the apartment, but eventually decided against the idea and leaned into the car, gently touched Kame’s shoulder and shook the other.
“Kazuya…?”
The name slipped down Jin’s lips unwittingly, and once realizing it, Jin froze and drew his hand back as if getting burnt.
Luckily, Kame didn’t stir from his sleep so Jin didn’t have to quickly make up random excuses and explanations for calling the other by his given name. Kame seemed as peaceful as before. Only his hand restlessly twitched all of sudden and to Jin’s alarm, the little jerk, something common while asleep, set off a series of spasms which eventually led to Kame’s waking up. With a start. At first, Kame drowsily looked around, eyes flicking before it hit him he was in Jin’s car, in the underground garage, with Jin standing outside the car and leaning against the open door.
“Are you alright?”
“Yes.” However, the answer didn’t make Jin look any less worried. Kame knew Jin kept staring at his left leg. He knew it simply because he could feel convulsions of his thigh muscles and he was drowsily late to cover the twitches with his hand. “It’s nothing,” he faintly assured the other, rubbing his thigh to relax the muscles.
Kame still felt Jin’s doubtful look. Even through the haze of his sleepiness, Kame got kind of annoyed by the way the other’s eyes were wondering up and down about him. He didn’t need Akanishi to care. To look at him as if Kame should break down or fall apart in any moment.
“But…”
“It’s a side effect of the paralysis and it gets worse when …” Kame pressed his palm flat against his thigh. “When for example strained during the rehabilitation. Or when I get tired. And I haven’t slept well last night so today, everything got worse than usually. I can’t really control it. But it’s not painful or anything, just weird to look at when you are not used to it.” He gritted his teeth. “Don’t mind it.”
Kame finally gathered strength to help himself into the wheelchair while Jin did not more than holding the chair from slipping.
This time, unlike when still at the rehab, Kame let Jin push the wheelchair first to the elevator and then also through the hallway to the door of Kame’s apartment. They found the keys in a pocket of the bag hanging over the backseat of the wheelchair and Jin opened the door for Kame to get inside. Kame wheeled though the wide doorframe and stopped in the foyer, turned around, only to see Jin hadn’t followed him in.
And the question slipped unintentionally. “You are not coming in?”
“Me?” Jin glanced down to the wristwatch on his hand, checking the time as he only now remembered the evening play Reio should act in and Jin was invited to. “I should probably…”
“Oh,” Kame let out a small sound, a mix of understanding and realization. And perhaps disappointment. “You’ve already bothered with me enough for today. Sorry about the stupid question. Thanks for going with me and taking me home. And see you tomorrow, I guess.”
Choosing between attending Reio’s play and spending some more time with Kame was a decision easy to make. Especially after everything that had happened today. Jin scratched his head and with a couple of firm steps entered the apartment, closed the door and stood in front of stunned Kame.
“Or we could order some dinner and I would keep you company to make sure you wouldn’t faint before getting into bed?” Jin suggested, a bit more bold about talking to Kame this time because it had been Kame who had come up with the invitation first after all. Jin wasn’t pushing himself in anyhow. He gave the other time enough to pretest but Kame didn’t argue so Jin took it as a confirmation and made his way into the living room, searching for his cell on his way there.
An hour later, spent with them entangled in a light chat while eating pasta takeouts from a restaurant across the street, Jin put all the used dishes into the washer and Kame, meanwhile, busied himself in the bathroom with his nightly hygiene - which was something Jin found quite amusing, remembering Kame’s obsession with beauty care. Some things were not meant to change. Ever. Idol or not, Kamenashi Kazuya would never change; moreover, Jin had no doubts Kame could be back on the top whenever he would want. If he had wanted. Maybe not to dance on the stage, but if Johnny had been at least a bit considerate and let Kame work again, Kame still might have been a host of a show or a sport caster like he used to be in the past. And even if Kame’s wheelchair had been such a goddamn obstacle in his possible on screen career, there was still the possibility of keeping him as a songwriter.
When Jin was done with dishes, he found Kame already in the bedroom, lying on the bed and reading; with Ran-chan curled into a ball at his feet. She gave him a quick glance of acknowledgement of his presence but that was all. Kame had his legs covered, and Jin only afterwards realized it wasn’t as much to hide them from Jin’s sight as more for Kame’s own comfort. It must have been already frustrating enough not to feel them, but seeing them and knowing they were there without feeling them though, would have been even worse, Jin concluded and did his best not to stare.
“An interesting book?” Jin asked, nodding to the colorful volume in Kame’s hands.
Kame blinked in surprise and closed the book then placed it back on the bedside table where he had taken it from before. “It’s Shige’s latest novel. Nothing spectacular but I have plenty of time to read anyway.”
“I see.” Jin swallowed a remark about his opinion on the writing career of Kato Shigeaki.
“I’ve…” Kame started then let the words trail off, only to take a breath and start again. “I’ve had fun today. That doesn’t happen often on the days like this. With the hospital… and the treatment. It’s usually the opposite from fun.” His hands were resting on his lap as he was half sitting, half lying, leaning back against a pillow and the wall behind him.
Jin smiled. Kame’s words made him warm and happy inside. A feeling he hadn’t had for ages, at least not with Kame being around.
“You should rest. We still have a song to write.”
“A work to do, right,” Kame nodded thoughtfully. “Who would expect Jin Akanishi to be the one focused on work?”
“Hey,” Jin pouted as the most natural reaction, “I can be focused on work. I’m a master at focusing on work if I want to.” And then… “And it’s Akanishi Jin now again when I’m back home.” This time, there was no bitter feeling about saying it, and Jin wasn’t even surprised. It came just naturally and he didn’t fight it anymore.
“I’m glad you are…”
A yawn reminded them both that Kame was actually tired.
“Take a rest now,” Jin said, reaching out to turn off the lights, only later realizing there must have been also a switch somewhere near the bed for Kame to be able to take care of everything when there was no one around. Which might have been more often than not, Jin thought and that had him wondering about what Ryo had said. Not about Kame being gay and having actual partners or being in a relationship but the following about Kame not having a relationship since the accident.
Despite their differences and even countless clashes in the past, Jin couldn’t find a single reason why Kame might have stayed single in the end.
“Akanishi?”
The voice reached Jin when the room was already bathing in dark, the only ray on faint light coming in through the open door leading to the living room. Jin stopped mid-step, one foot out and one still lingering in.
“Yes?”
“About before. When you asked if we could talk to each other again.” A pause, long enough to be noticed yet short for Jin to find his voice. “I’ve never stopped. Talking to you. There was just nothing to talk about anymore, I guess.”
Something inside Jin stirred upon hearing it. Yet a few days ago, he had considered himself crazy for the idea of talking to Kamenashi on his own free will. Now he couldn’t wait to talk more with the other.
“Good night, Kame.”
It sounded nice.
Jin closed the door then and returned to the living room to clean the rest of their mess before going home. It wasn’t that late yet, barely nine, and his first scheduled obligation for tomorrow wouldn’t start before noon. The night was young and he could… Jin halted in the middle of the thought and shook his head. Pi was in Europe. Ryo might have been still in Yokohama for all Jin knew as there was no message from the other. And Jin actually wasn’t in a mood for going out. Maybe he would just go home and work a little on the song.
The melody Kame had been mumbling earlier the day hadn’t yet left Jin’s mind, right on the contrary was getting more and more clear outlines. Jin couldn’t wait to try playing it on the guitar.
Putting everything in order, Jin was already on his way to the door when his eyes laid on the framed pictures on the window sill, as if magnetically attracted. At first, Jin wanted to ignore them because sneaking around when the other was sleeping might have not been the best for his newly forming somewhat-friendship with Kame. Then again though, the pictures were put on display in the middle of the living room for anyone to see so technically, taking a look could have hardly been considered ‘sneaking around’.
And curiosity won over.
As Jin had noticed already before, the pictures were mostly photos taken at various stages of his niece’s and cousin’s lives, then there were pics of the Kamenashi’s, some of them looked arranged and Kame was there as well, surrounded by his closest family, others though looked like taken without the people knowing it, and Jin didn’t have to think twice to come to the conclusion the photographer must have been Kame.
A little hidden behind another frame with a picture of Kame’s cute niece pointing a finger at the camera and grinning widely, there was a picture Jin hadn’t been expecting to find there at all.
It had been an eternity since he had seen it the last time but he remembered it clearly. As well as the moment the picture had been taken.
The moment Takizawa Hideaki had greeted him and Kame after their return from Okinawa. The camera had forever caught the switch of Jin’s expression back then when facing their senpai right after getting out of the car. He had been cheerfully chatting with Kame the whole flight and even during the way from the airport but spotting the face responsible for all the torture they had to surpass during what had been supposed to be vacation - a prize for a winner -, Jin had lost his composure. The killing glare he had sent Takizawa was now staring at him from the old photo Tackey had taken back then. Fourteen-year-old Kame was peeking curiously from behind Jin.
Jin actually wasn’t surprised upon learning Kame had the picture. They both had been given a copy back then because Tackey had always had a twisted way to show his sympathies and affection. What left Jin speechless though, was the fact Kame so obviously cherished the picture, keeping it among other photos of his loved ones.
Careful not to topple any of the frames standing around, Jin took the picture of him and Kame to take a better look.
The dark side of being popular since young age was knowing that a camera had always been around, taking more or less random picture of him all the time, and every weird hairstyle and fashion experiment was forever stored on pages of magazines, photobooks and on videos, circulating the Internet and elsewhere. Who would have guessed to find one of them in the living room of Kamenashi Kazuya though?
And Kame surely hadn’t been keeping it the whole time as a reminder of his fourteen-year-old awkward hair and unkept eyebrows.
Absentmindedly, drowned into memories and thoughts, Jin slumped down on the couch, fingers gripping the frame as he was observing the two boys on the picture.
Jin wasn’t even sure when it happened but he knew his fingers were dancing on the display of his cell only a few minutes later, typing word by word, line by line and image after image. Sixteen-year-old Jin and fourteen-year-old Kazuya were looking at him from the distance of years, from a different place and time, bringing back memories Jin hadn’t known he remembered and opening forgotten corners of his mind.
When also the last line was typed and saved in his phone, Jin put the photo back to its place in the back row on the window sill.
He didn’t go home that night.
The morning had sneaked in lazily but all too soon.
It couldn’t have been more than a couple of hours since Jin’s head had reached the pillow and his eyes had closed, heavy with tiredness and a long day behind yet light-headed and satisfied, slightly drunk without touching alcohol; when Jin stirred into consciousness, desperately fighting for the morning not to be there yet. Unlike other mornings he didn’t stretch his arms right after waking up this time. He just didn’t feel like doing so. Stretching limbs and opening his eyes would have meant accepting the new day. But he was not ready yet. Wanted to prolong the night despite there was now only a little chance he would fall asleep again.
Lying on a side with a few strands of hair tickling him in the face, Jin lazily blinked against the morning sun. He didn’t really remember how he had got into the bed or that he actually had got there somehow. Into a bed. Already the smell of the pillow under his head gave out Jin wasn’t in his bed. In his room.
And he definitely wasn’t alone.
Jin’s body tensed and he blinked again, this time catching not only the bright morning sun but also the dark, blurry shadow lying next to him.
Before his consciousness fully kicked on, Jin felt something soft gently brushing over his lower lip, nothing but a ghostly graze. If it hadn’t been just after his waking up and his body hadn’t been both numb and oversensitive from the short sleep, he wouldn’t have probably even noticed anything. He held back a breath, not really realizing he was doing so until his lungs made him gasp in need of air. And the moment was over.
The touch was gone before Jin could focus on anything but the lack of oxygen in his body.
He opened his eyes but all he caught from a corner of his eye was a hand falling down into the dark sheeting covering Kame’s quietly, motionlessly lying form. Jin peeked at the other, seeing Kame’s eyelids fluttered against the other’s slightly bushing cheeks.
Jin’s mind immediately made up a mental image of Kame inclining to him and letting a finger travel along Jin’s parted lips, tasting the dry texture of the skin there.
Jin licked his lips and darted up, alarmed by his own thoughts. His rash, jerky move frightened Ran-chan who was until then all silent and invisible in the folds of sheeting crumpled between Jin and Kame.
In order to keep his sanity and eventually not make an idiot out of himself in front of Kame if asking him for details, Jin decided not to think too much about what might have just happened.
He might have been just imaging things after all.
Kame woke up into the smell of a morning coffee and a view of Akanishi Jin sitting in his living room. All in silence not to draw Jin’s attention to himself, he looked down to where his hand was resting on the sheeting and slightly moved his index finger.
Then clenched his fist tight to keep the feeling for as long as possible.
***
Ba-ba-ba-ba-bad dream
I’ll be there, I’ll be there
***
(part 5)