[fic] Waking Up from a Bad Dream (part 5)
***
The following days passed quickly, merging one into the other with Jin spending every free moment at Kame’s, coming over whenever his work for the day ended. The rest of KAT-TUN must have thought he was once again favoring the Troop over his band mates; he even once overheard Koki grumbling about Jin and the return of old times but Jin couldn’t have cared less.
Keeping the promise he had given Kame, Jin didn’t tell anyone about them working together. The only one eyeing Jin suspiciously was Ueda, as it was him who had suggested Jin to go to Kamenashi for help in the first place. However, Ueda didn’t seem to spread what he knew, so Jin didn’t really mind. Other than that, there were only two people aside Jin and Kame who knew about the unexpected collaboration, and that was Shirota and Ryo. Jin wouldn’t have been surprised though if Ryo hadn’t been able to keep his mouth shut and had given away the truth in front of Yamapi one way or another while talking to the other.
The work on both the music and the lyrics seemed to go smooth, even though unlike at the beginning, the evening work sessions had gradually turned more into friendly chit-chats with ordering a meal and once or twice Jin even brought a bottle of wine and they drank it together; Kame comfortably seated on the couch and snuggled in a blanket while the wheelchair was, at least for those short, precious moments, forgotten in a corner somewhere until it was about time to go to bed.
After the day when Jin had taken Kame to the rehab facility and spent the night at the other’s apartment, the sleepover had never repeated itself. Jin had always made sure to watch the time and part with Kame around 10 PM, which could have been considered a friendly, yet still polite time to say good bye. And since Kame had never complained, Jin had taken it as a sign that this arrangement worked well. Also, Kame had never come up with a sleepover invitation again. He had always just nodded when Jin had announced his leaving, waited for Jin to go to the next room and wheel the chair in, arranging it by the couch for Kame to move to it. Despite Kame’s disputing and objections, Jin had usually adjusted the blanket and pillows scattered on the couch before taking the used plates and glasses to the kitchen while Kame had excused himself and had gone to the bathroom for his nightly hygiene routine. Meanwhile, Jin had cleaned both the living room and the kitchen. When Kame had come out of the shower, dressed already in his loose sleeping pants and a t-shirt, Jin had usually waited for the other to get into the bed, and then bid his farewell.
The nights when Jin couldn’t drop by Kame’s because of work had quickly become weird and everyone must have noticed sooner or later how itchy Jin became when working after 8 PM or when something unexpected had occurred and a filming had gone longer than it should have.
Jin was enjoying spending time with Kame a lot. Sometimes, it reminded him of moments from past, of times when sitting cross-legged on the floor and talking to Kame while eating dinner used to be nothing special. Just another day of their young lives. Now Jin was doing his best to remember every second, imprinting them into his memory.
Because with every evening passed, with every time Kame saying they were almost done, Jin was getting to purposely search for any possible parts of the song they should have worked on a bit more to make it perfect. Shamelessly taking advantage of Kame’s, most probably inborn, need of perfection.
Jin wasn’t sure anymore what would happen once the song was done and thus their work over. They hadn’t really talked about the set rules again, and Jin was left hanging without an idea of what relationship they shared now. As for him, they had already crossed the line of former-colleagues-working-together-again and were more inclined to being friends again. Jin couldn’t be sure about Kame though, and a part of him was afraid to ask. What if Kame had already forgotten about the rules but Jin might have reminded him of them with his question?
The future was too fragile.
And everything was going to get yet worse.
Nearly two weeks after Jin had asked Kame for help, a guitar version of the song was finished. Jin had recorded it one evening after work when everybody had left for home and the building had been empty save for the night keepers. He took it over to Kame’s so they could hear it clear, and eventually change arrangements with the help of a music program on Jin’s laptop.
“Sounds good to me,” Kame stated contentedly when also the last tone faded away and Jin closed the window of the music player with a silent click of the mouse.
“Good, right?” Jin agreed. He kept staring at the screen though; his eyes slid lower, to the very corner of the screen where a small, unobtrusive icon was almost invisible against the colorful background. A file he had recorded already a couple of days ago and hadn’t found courage to tell Kame about it yet.
“Un.” Kame bit his lip and quickly reached for a glass of water placed on the table by his side. He hadn’t realized but now how dry his throat had got. “A new KAT-TUN song.” Letting the words slip down his lips, Kame played with them on his tongue, let them melt with the melody that was still vibrating in his mind. They yet had to decide the title but that was not important at the moment. “It has the feeling of a new beginning, don’t you think?”
Jin nodded, a bit absentmindedly. His fingers were tapping the mouse with nervous flicks. A new beginning. That was the key word.
“That’s what we were aiming for, isn’t it?”
“Well, you have your song. That is what we were aiming for in the first place if I remember correctly. And this one is good. They will love it.” Kame shrugged. “You should bring it to the jimusho as soon as possible. They will realize - again - that your songs are good.”
The hand controlling the mouse froze while the other clenched into a fist, his nails digging into his palm. Now or never.
“They already did, Kame. And they liked the song I gave them so much it’s going to be the A-side of the single.”
Jin saw the dark, growing confusion in the other’s eyes.
Then Kame frowned. “What’s this about? A joke? Because I don’t get it.” His hand went up, fingers combing his hair. A few soft strands were released from a band having been keeping them but Kame didn’t do even as little as drawing them behind his ear. His widening eyes were fixed to Jin because Jin was not telling him everything. - Kame had already recalled what Jin’s look was like when keeping a secret; and knowing that this was the case sent a shiver down his spine. “We’ve just finished it. Or… Jin?”
Could it be…?
Kame had actually no idea what it could be about.
“Jin?”
“I’ve…” Jin cleared his throat. “There’s another song. Other than this one. I finished it a couple of days ago,” Jin’s eyes were on Kame, or better looking through Kame because Jin was too afraid to focus and see, read whatever was mirroring in Kame’s eyes right now. All those questions, confusion… disappointment… maybe anger? It could have been anything written in there, waiting for Jin to take a look and get burnt. “I told them there would be one more song - this one - and they agreed to take it as well, only for later. For an album perhaps,” Jin was rambling now, talking just for the sake of keeping Kame’s attention and keeping this conversation running and above all, not to let Kame speak up without giving him all details. Without explaining. Without defending his actions. Doing everything to prevent Kame from kicking him out of the apartment. And along with it, from Kame’s life as well. “KAT-TUN will sing this, I promise” Jin blurted out, leaning in closer to where Kame was sitting in front of him.
“Why haven’t you told me?”
Kame’s thoughts were hard to tell from the way he was blankly staring at Jin. His voice hadn’t fluttered a bit while asking.
“I… don’t know. I’m sorry.” - But he knew. Or thought he knew.
Kame’s lips pressed together into a thin, pale line.
“Look, I like the song we wrote. It has KAT-TUN written all over it. It has you written all over it and people will love it.” - Jin couldn’t imagine otherwise. - “And most importantly, I like it as much as I like the fact that it was you and me together who wrote it, and I enjoyed every moment,” the words started coming out, pouring from Jin’s mind onto a stunned Kame, and Jin didn’t even try to stop them. “These two last weeks were… something amazing and I didn’t want them to stop. I still don’t want it to, but you said this would be a temporary business and… and I think I just freaked out because I had a song and if I had told you…you…” Jin gulped.
When he dared to look at Kame again, he saw the other’s lips quiver a little. Kame was gripping the armrests his hands had been resting on a moment ago slack, now all the muscles were tense and drawing lines under the pale skin. “I would have sent you away?” Kame pressed through gritted teeth and his eyes blinked heavily when Jin answered with a little nod. “That’s what you think? That’s what the last two weeks have seemed to be like to you?”
“No!”
Jin hissed. He didn’t know what he had been thinking anymore. Was this how much he trusted Kame?
During the time spent together, Kame had looked as content and happy as Jin had. Maybe the reason why they had stopped mentioning the rules was because at some point the rules had stopped being important and hadn’t mattered anymore. Only Jin had been thinking about them too much…
“Maybe a little. But no,” Jin shook his head. “I don’t know what I thought. I just didn’t want to stop coming here and talking to you. But then I had the song and it’s like perfect and I wanted…want people to hear it. What happened between you and me, this friendship, is the best thing that has happened to me since the day Johnny called me back to Japan though. And I didn’t want it to end just because the song we were writing would have been finished. I actually wished to forget this was all only about a song…”
“It would be better if it was only about the song though.” Kame bent down and reached for Ran-chan who had been sniffing around his chair, lifting her up to his lap. “Look, Akanishi, you came to me asking for help and I did help you. I gave you my time -”
He should have said how grateful he was…
Instead though, Jin snorted. “The time you would have spent reading Shigeaki’s novel otherwise?”
“What?” Kame frowned then realized Jin’s mean remark and it had him annoyed. “Yes. The time I would have spent reading Shige’s novel. Why not? It’s my time anyway so you don’t have to care!”
“Kame…”
But Kame wasn’t about to stop, forgetting about his usual composure and also about a rather scared, trembling Ran-chan sitting on his lap and watching him with wide, uncomprehending eyes overflowing with anxiety.
“Maybe I like Shige’s novels more than having you around all the time!”
“Why don’t you have a picture of his novels in your photo corner then?” Jin snapped, clutching his hands and pushing them to the pockets of his hoodie, away from Kame’s sight. As if Kame actually cared about what Jin’s hands were doing.
Hearing those words, Kame froze completely, letting out a little yelp while his eyes shot a glance to the window. “You…” Kame panted and he could read the answer to his unspoken question even before Jin opened his mouth a moment later. And a silent curse found its way out his constricted throat.
“You still keep the old picture.”
“Un.” Kame seemed to calm down again, his hand slowly caressing Ran-chan’s back. The dog snuggled into the touch. “It’s just…”
“Tackey used to be such an asshole,” Jin chuckled, remembering something from the past. Nothing particular, just old feelings that had been buried in him forever and now suddenly came up, vivid and strangely present. “I wanted to hate him forever for everything he made us do back then.”
“Only it’s impossible to hate Tackey. And it’s even harder to hold an absurd grudge against people who we…” Kame looked up, silencing before saying more than he wanted the other to know, meeting Jin’s look, and his own eyes were gentle and warm; unlike words that could be controlled and altered before being said, Kame’s eyes had never learnt to lie, “who used to be important. Or still are.”
“I didn’t cut you out. Not all those years ago,” Jin’s eyes unconsciously traveled from Kame to the photo frames on the window and then again back to Kame, only to find Kame had held his gaze fixed on Jin, waiting, expecting, anxious. Soft. So different from those Jin had met after his return. From those that had sent him off from KAT-TUN years ago. Jin brushed his lips with the tip of his tongue, wetting them. “And not now. With this song.”
“I shouldn’t have kept my expectations high anyway,” the shrug Kame gave made Jin a bit fidgety; the realization of what had been Kame’s previous annoyance creeping into his senses. Disappointment. The end of hopes of hearing his own lyrics on an official single for the last time. Kame might have not been showing it during their work but secretly, he must have been looking forward to the outcome. He might have been writing the lyrics, having an actual idea of whose voice would have fit to the particular parts the best for all Jin knew. However, Jin offering another song instead the one Kame had been helping with had made a sharp, painful end to the last shred of hopes. Cutting Kame off from the entertainment world completely. Cutting him off from the life he used to live.
All he had now was a call from the jimusho to come someday soon, telling him to come over and sign the respective documents. And the years-long chapter of his life would be over, leaving him hanging in obscurity.
Jin didn’t like the way Kame might have been thinking. And most of all, didn’t like the future the jimusho was planning for him. “You should. You had all the rights because that was the deal after all. I came to you offering credits and appreciation. And you will get all of it,” Jin quickly added and couldn’t stop a smile when Kame’s eyes flicked in puzzle. “I promise. Frames actually exists thanks to you.”
“Frames?” Kame’s eyebrows jumped up. The other song had already a name. However, that detail could have hardly kept his attention for long because… “Thanks to me?”
Jin nodded, his hand back on the mouse and a cursor on the screen running down to the bottom left corner and it didn’t take more than a simple click and the first tones of the song were coming out of the speakers. Just naturally, Jin’s first reaction was to close his eyes and get drowned into the music. There had been times, and not in a very distant past actually, when Jin would have felt kind of ashamed of enjoying this melody, the tones getting under his skin one by one.
It still wasn’t the final, clear version. Only the one Jin had recorded to present it for getting an approval. With only his voice singing the lyrics he had written the night after bringing Kame back home from the clinic; lyrics carrying memories and hopes, his and Kame’s lives as well as lives of millions of others who could easily find themselves both on the lines and in between.
Enwrapped in the song and lightly wagging his head according to the rhythm, Jin only later realized the stunned twist in Kame’s face. He quickly stopped the player, worried.
“W-where did you…?” Kame gulped. His eyes glanced at the screen, staring at it in disbelief.
“From you. In the rehab center the other day,” Jin said. As if to remind Kame of what actually didn’t need to be reminded anyhow. “You were mumbling a random melody, it got stuck in my head and this is the result. What do you think?”
Kame sucked in a breath but released it without spurting at the other all the messy thoughts whirling in his head. Instead of a rash reaction Kame knew he might regret later, he gave his agitated self-control a moment to calm down.
“The ‘random melody’ is actually a song I was writing a year ago…”
“Oh my god, Kame!” Jin’s eyes flicked between the screen and Kame. This was the worst. What possible apology could…? “I didn’t… I shouldn’t have… shit!” Rubbing his temples with both hands, the tips of the fingers pressing against the skin and the bones underneath, Jin’s head surprisingly quickly proceeded how embarrassing and uneasy the situation was. What the hell had he been actually thinking - using a melody he had known nothing about? And Kame’s melody above all! He didn’t dare look up and meet Kame’s look.
Today was about to officially become the most awkward day in a long, long period of time.
And that was just because Jin hadn’t yet fully realized that the melody - or the idea for it - he had practically stolen was already turning into one of the most anticipated comeback singles in Japanese pop music. If he had realized so, everything would have got way worse.
The possible bomb of realization never exploded though.
“I kind of like what you’ve done with it,” Kame pondered. “Mind playing also the rest?”
“Really?” Jin whimpered, surprised.
Kame’s smile was assuring and stayed on his lips the whole time the song was playing, the melody accompanied by Jin’s deep, at some parts husky voice that gained a hint of softness every time Jin was singing in his mother tongue. And so he was; the Japanese lyrics causing goose bumps all over Kame’s skin.
Their eyes, having been glued to the colorful screen the whole time, met only when the song was ending, when the last word was sung; first more by an accident than purposely searching for each other but neither Kame nor Jin shifted their looks, keeping them connected till the silence eventually came and filled the room.
Ran-chan on Kame’s lap whimpered, reminding her owner of rubbing her behind her ears. And Kame looked down to check on her.
“It’s amazing, you know?” Kame said in a low, whisper-like voice, still kind of overwhelmed by the fact he had just heard a song which he had never hoped to see coming to life; and not only had it just happened but the one giving the melody shine was Akanishi Jin. “Probably the best thing that happened in my life since this,” Kame tapped the armrests of the wheelchair and gave Jin a faint smile.
“It doesn’t change that I stole your song,” Jin sighed. This was going to bother him forever, no matter what Kame would say.
“And turned it into the single you needed.”
“But -”
Kame shook his head and bringing his hands down to the wheels, pushed the chair across the room, heading to the kitchen. “My work is done then after all.” He didn’t need to look over his shoulder to feel Jin’s look at his back. “KAT-TUN has a new single to top the charts.” There was nothing smug about the statement. Just pure satisfaction. Relief.
An impossible, almost diminished dream coming true.
What Kame hadn’t been expecting though, while making his way to the kitchen, was Jin following him and surprising him from behind, placing his hands on Kame’s shoulders.
“What -?” Kame muffled a shriek when Jin grabbed the handles and spun the wheelchair around to get Kame facing him. When Kame’s eyes flew open a second later, Jin was leaning down to him, his face so close it made Kame gasp. His body instinctively pressed back; however, the backrest wasn’t giving him any space to shy from Jin’s proximity. Kame swallowed. His breathing quickened and he could feel his heart beating up in his throat.
Just what was happening?
Jin could be unpredictable at times.
Another swallow, and Kame was feverishly considering closing his eyes and just letting Jin do whatever he would come up with.
Then Jin grinned, giving Kame a wide, genuine smile.
“Thank you.”
***
“Something is wrong.” Jin plopped himself on the couch in Eito’s dressing room, frowning and eyeing Ryo as if an intent gaze could have helped him to see right through the other’s head. He knew Ryo was avoiding him on purpose as well as the fact that Ryo’s patience was limited, and the limits weren’t that high. It was always only a matter of a few moments to have Ryo putting aside whatever he was doing, and paying attention to Jin instead.
Ryo had been rolling his eyes since the door had opened - had burst open - and his best friend had broken into the room like a tidal wave, flooding everything, sweeping everyone. “Like a dressing room perhaps?”
“Funny but no,” Jin pouted, sitting up and reaching out for a pillow his sudden and violent landing on the cushions had thrown on the floor, and arranged it back to the place it had been lying before. Giving the pillow one more pat, Jin finally pushed aside the nagging need to get distracted by everything within his reach. “I sure do not want to discuss this with Tamamori-kun.”
“I still remember the nice, quiet times when you used to bother Tackey, You know, to discuss things,” Ryo grumbled to tease Jin some more. He didn’t have really much to do at the moment, and moreover had woken up all giddy to be a little mean today.
They exchanged a look and Jin pursed his lips. “I used to bother also Yamapi and you were jealous about it. Don’t complain now.”
“Because I had no idea what it could be like to have you at my back all the time.”
“Why does Kame trust you so much?” Jin asked suddenly the thing that had been bothering him for already some time; letting the pointless bickering go. He would have many other opportunities to get back on Ryo.
Ryo froze in the middle of taking a breath then quickly tried to shake the question off. So much for the teasing part of the day. And it had been hardly only 9 AM. “He doesn’t. You must be imagining something because…”
“Every time I talk to him, I can’t ditch a feeling he is not telling me something and I know you know what it is. And he is too nice to me.”
Ryo chuckled. “Well, then something definitely must be wrong. You two haven’t been nice to each other for ages. Literally.”
“We just weren’t talking to each other. That doesn’t mean we were not nice.”
It really hadn’t been Ryo’s intention to dig deeper into a sensitive, delicate topic like this one, especially since he knew Kame wouldn’t have been happy to learn Ryo actually talked to Jin about him at all. However, Ryo knew Jin well enough to realize Akanishi was capable of causing quite a mess without understanding the full picture of what was going on. In fact, there was a dangerously high chance that Akanishi would cause a lot of mess anyway, but Ryo decided to take the risk.
“You weren’t just talking to each other? Jin, you didn’t even bother to tell him you were moving to the States,” Ryo reminded Jin of the time lying two years in the past. “He had to learn about it from Yamapi; and on a side note, Yamapi didn’t choose the best way and moment to spill the news…” Ryo bit his lip and hissed.
Maybe he should have kind of filtered the info before…
“It was just because everything was a damn mess when the offer came up and Kame was busy filming… whatever drama it was back then! I tried to catch him a couple of times but he was nowhere to be found and wasn’t picking up his phone and…” Jin gasped for air. “Wait. What was that with Yamapi supposed to mean? What ‘not-best-moment’ did he choose? Ryo?”
“Nothing.”
“Ryo?” the alarm in Jin’s voice grew more urgent; a bad feeling creeping up Jin’s spine.
“Kame wouldn’t want you to know it and I don’t think that…”
“Nishikido!”
“Don’t shout at me, Akanishi, for god’s sake! Your falsetto is ear-ripping normally and I haven’t had my morning coffee today.” Ryo rubbed his temples and really didn’t need to see the killing glare Jin was giving him to know there was one. “He…” shaking his head instead, he cursed his hotheaded temper for saying more than should have been said before. Blurting things out was always easier than dealing with consequences. And in this particular case, the consequences meant Jin nagging even more than before. “Look, I don’t know this for sure, okay? But there may be clues leading me to thinking that Yamapi might tell him the evening when… you know… before Kame was to go to the Imperial Theatre for the show and…”
“For the show as…” Jin gulped. “Dream Boys?”
Ryo gave a little nod. He was sure he wouldn’t have been able to confirm Jin’s guess by words.
“Wait! You mean…?”
The Dream Boys. The one, particular night.
“I mean nothing,” Ryo rushed to stop Jin’s thoughts from going wild eventually, which would have happened sooner or later for sure if Ryo hadn’t stepped in. “It’s just something I put together from the timing and things Kame mentioned afterwards. It doesn’t mean I’m right. Kame has never said…”
By the time Jin allowed the words to sink in, most of the color in his face had already paled.
Kame had told him he couldn’t focus on anything the day the accident had happened. Kame had never seemed to be too eager to talk about anything even slightly connected to his fall or the day, avoiding the topic at all costs and never letting Jin get anywhere near it while they had been chatting. And Jin could figure out the possible reasons. However, never even once had he thought Kame’s resentment towards the topic might have come from Jin being involved. No matter how indirectly.
“What exactly did Kame mention afterwards?”
Ryo could easily imagine himself at Jin’s place, being curious and wanting to know; the more now when he and Kamenashi seemed to get along quite well, but at the same time, Ryo didn’t want to betray the trust Kame had in him.
“I don’t think you want to know it. And he will kill me if I tell you and I’ll never forgive myself. It’s none of my business,” Ryo mumbled the last of his attempts to stop this conversation. However, he couldn’t really keep hiding stuff from Jin without being chased by the other all the time from now on. The past had proved, and not only once, how persistent - to the point of being annoying - Jin could be while curious and eager to know something. And right now, with a tour ahead, Ryo didn’t have energy to handle Jin’s random midnight calls…
“He won’t,” Jin stretched an arm and patted Ryo’s upper arm, as it was the only part he could reach without having to leave the comfortable couch. “He likes you. And I will tell him I didn’t really give you another choice than to spill it out.”
A snort. “And that will work. Really?”
“Of course it will,” Jin nodded enthusiastically. He had to know, had to finally learn what was locked in Kame’s head. Kame himself wasn’t about to tell him, but for one reason or another, he had told Ryo. Deep down, Jin felt a little bad for spying behind Kame’s back, but living with a little remorse was the last of his problems. He needed to know, to finally put together the puzzle of diverse hints Kame had been giving out. And most importantly, to find out whether Ryo’s presumption might have been right and Kame’s lack of concentration during the critical - fatal - show had had anything to do with Jin’s leaving back then.
Because if it had had - and the possibility was there; crouching behind the weird time coincidence of Kame’s injury, Jin’s leaving the country and Yamapi’s big talkative mouth -, if Kame’s unfortunate fall had been connected to Jin one way or another then… Jin sighed, not really ready or willing to think about such an alternative.
“It will work,” Jin said firmly, to assure both Ryo and himself. “He likes me.”
Kame wouldn’t have acted friendly if he had been blaming Jin for anything, would he? That was a thing Jin was sure about. And he was not going to think differently now.
Not now.
Ryo turned around, shock plastered all over his tanned face. “You’re right. He does.”
“That’s what I’m telling you.”
“No, Jin, listen. Kame likes you.”
Jin raised an eyebrow in an amused manner. Whatever Nishikido was aiming for, Jin wasn’t going to buy it. “And you would know…”
“I’ve been sitting by his side during the rehabilitation for almost a year by now,” Ryo shrugged casually. “And you might get the picture how it goes there. Kame likes to talk; and he talks about everything. I mean, I knew before that he used to meet with a couple of guys in the past but I had never imagined how many -”
“Okay, okay! I got the idea!” Jin’s shriek stopped Ryo mid-sentence. Jin pouted, grumbling. “That was not exactly the information I needed to know.”
“Me neither,” Ryo stuck his tongue and flinched from Jin’s hand attempting to smack him. “That guy seriously doesn’t know what shame is.”
Chuckling, Ryo didn’t pay attention to Jin who suddenly looked away, turning his head a little to a side to hide the heat warming up his face at a random memory of the blush in Kame’s cheeks when Jin’s hand had accidentally slipped lower than it should have a few days ago. Jin swallowed a thick lump in his throat and took a breath to regain his composure. He hadn’t been really thinking about what had happened, almost managed to forget or at least push the memory away…
But Kame liked him.
As in the sense of… Jin knew some time would be needed for this information to come down to him. For now he needed to focus on other things.
“Anyway,” Ryo returned to the topic, to Jin’s relief leaving out any other possible details of Kame’s love life - especially now when Jin found himself involved more than ever -, “the point is that if you spend enough time with him during the rehab, you can learn a lot of stuff; even what Kame usually keeps to himself. I think he doesn’t really care about what is being told while taking the treatment, as long as it distracts him.”
That was something Jin had experienced himself. It might have been only thanks to the time spent at the rehab facility together that the two of them had started talking again after all.
“Don’t tell him. Ever. Otherwise killing you would be the last thing I would do before he would kill me, are we clear?” Jin was grinning like an idiot upon hearing Ryo’s vain threats but Ryo didn’t go farther than throwing a guitar pick he found lying on the table at the other. It didn’t even reach Jin’s spot, fluttering down to the floor. “I guess he has never mentioned that he was trying to put everything right between you two, has he?”
“He was…” Jin wasn’t quite catching up with Ryo’s words. He shook his head to sort the mess of thoughts spinning in his head. “He wasn’t… That doesn’t make…”
Ryo hadn’t just implied that Kame had…
A single look into his friend’s face assured Jin the trail of his thoughts was going the right direction though.
“I never noticed anything!”
Kame had been trying to restore their friendship years ago. Only had never met any response from Jin’s side because Jin had been convinced they had been over. That Kame hadn’t been talking to him anymore for an unknown reason that Jin had soon started blaming Kame for, not because there actually had been anything on Kame to be blamed but because blaming others was always easier than looking for mistakes in one’s own acting.
Unconsciously, Jin’s fists clenched and pressed into his thighs.
“You and Kame were not exactly sharing the same bunch of friends, and for sure were you not attending the same parties. I should know, considering that you and I spent most of the nights out at the same clubs.” Ryo sensed Jin sucking a breath to react but was quicker to continue before the first word had had a chance to leave Jin’s mouth. “And don’t make me start about the happy freezing atmosphere at work when you two had to stay in one room. I’ve never seen so much tension since… well, never.”
Ryo rolled his eyes, remembering something from past; a rehearsal for one of those big New Year’s Eve shows in Johnny’s style most probably, the last one before Jin’s official departure from KAT-TUN. The omnipresent silence and strain whenever it had been time to gather in the backstage just before going to the stage when everybody around had been all hyper and fun, both Jin and Kame having been messing around with everyone - minus each other, keeping distance and avoiding any contact. Ryo remembered all the jokes he and Yamapi had secretly come up with whenever hearing about a KAT-TUN action Jin and Kame had had to take a part in at the same time.
“He shut me off!” - Or at least it had looked like that. -
“And you stuck with people Kame wouldn’t even try to get closer to.”
“He’s close enough with Yamapi!” Jin’s protest couldn’t vindicate anything though, because even Jin himself knew well what Ryo was hinting to. Two of his good friends. Two of the people who he had grown to trust the most. Josh and Kusano. Although each for his own reason, neither liked Kamenashi at all. Of course Kame hadn’t wanted to approach Jin while they had been around.
Only now Jin realized he used to spend a lot of time in their company back then.
And knowing Kame, the other wouldn’t have talked about personal issues at work. The only other place the two of them had been able to meet.
Jin sighed in defeat.
Had it been any other situation, he would have been already scolding Ryo for not siding with him, but Kame. However, right now Jin wasn’t quite sure he would be on his side himself.
He and Kame hadn’t even really said a good-bye back then.
Jin remembered he had left to the States to discuss his possible future contract when Kame had been busy with his drama and last minute Dream Boys rehearsals. When the show had finally started, Jin had been already a week or two gone, just signing up for his new life. Not caring about the past anymore.
“And Yamapi was the one randomly telling him you were not coming back anymore. We…” Ryo nervously ran a hand through his hair. “We played Jan Ken Pon and Yamapi lost so he was picked as the one to tell Kame. At times, I think that maybe if…”
Jin shook his head. “Don’t start with that. Don’t twist it to make it look like what happened was somehow your fault. It wasn’t. You and Kame weren’t even friends when it happened!”
“Same goes to you though.”
Right. Ryo had the point. And Jin knew it. He and Kame hadn’t been anywhere near ‘friends’ back then despite that Kame had obviously wanted to be. And Jin wouldn’t have said ‘no’ as well.
“Then why do I feel responsible?” Jin asked more to himself than to get an actual reply.
That was something Ryo didn’t have an answer for.
And Jin wasn’t yet sure he had one himself or whether he could have one someday at all. He was just sure things couldn’t stay the way they were. Not when the current state meant Kame suffering for something he didn’t deserve.
“I want to help him,” Jin said, determined and with an impossible, crazy idea slowly budding on his agitated mind. “I have to do something, Ryo.”
“Not unless you can turn back time and change things before the accident though.” Ryo patted Jin’s shoulder, stood up, and went to make himself a coffee, seriously considering not only a dose of caffeine but also snatching some of Ohkura’s chocolate bars. Just because.
***
“It looks different, doesn’t it?”
Jin was looking around the hallway he was strolling down with Kame. While Jin was all fidgety and so obviously excited for no real reason at the moment, except the unceasing enthusiasm that had been radiating from him already a couple of weeks by now, Kame was taking calm, leisure steps by his side while checking his mailbox on the phone.
“Not really,” Kame muttered, frowning at something he had just read. His mind added a new item to his already thick list of things to do, places to go, works to finish and people to call.
KAT-TUN had debuted only a few days ago, yet his life had been turned into a complete mess already months by now, with things getting more and more out of control since the moment the debut had been decided. All their schedules had been filled on the instant but Kame couldn’t ditch the thought that none of the others had been as busy as he was. All the time.
The fact he had miraculously managed to rearrange a few things and postpone one photo shooting to have time for a quick lunch with Jin was something Kame still couldn’t believe completely.
Now they were back at the jimusho though, and he had to focus on what had to be done.
“It does! Take a look again!”
Kame’s phone made a little noise, announcing a new mail and Kame promptly refreshed the page of the browser he had been reading. Then he felt a sharp nudge against his shoulder.
“You are not looking!”
“Jin, it’s two walls, a floor and a ceiling,” Kame huffed impatiently because the small digital clock at the top right corner of his cell display was showing him they were already going to be late for an afternoon meeting. “We have been passing them for years and they haven’t changed a bit. They are boring and white.” Kame shook his head - and Jin had to be very careful not to miss the little twitch plucking Kame’s lips before adding: “Maybe except the spot where you tried to kick Pi and your foot left an imprint right by the door to Tackey’s dressing room.”
Jin grinned. “See? It’s not boring and it does change.”
***
Even if it’s down the never ending blue at the bottom of a deep sea
As long as we can still see the best world together
***
(part 6)