[Moya] Talking Sex vs Sex by Talk (on TMI and Boundaries)
So, I talk about sex and sexuality-related issues very differently than most folks, and much more openly. And now seems like a good time to explain how boundaries around that work in my life. Or hopefully it is; I did just wake up and may not be entirely coherent yet.
I talk about sex, including my own sex life, in graphic detail. And I also sometimes flirt and have online sex of various sorts (great way to burn off extra sexual energy without worry about navigating extra safer sex stuff in my life, given that my relationships explicitly permit such play). What's the difference?
A big one, at least in my mind. It has to do with radically different dynamics between me and the person/people with whom I'm interacting, and likely some very different expectations about how face-to-face dynamics may go between us. And it has a lot to do with sexual intimacy, too. Even totally setting aside my activist intents in sharing information and perspective, even just taking into account how sexual energy plays into things, still a very big difference. Talking Sex, for me, on a sexual energy level (damn do I sound like the hippy I am when I talk about this stuff), is about having fun bouncing that sexual energy around with other people, amping it (often mutually) without creating a direct sexual interaction. Does that turn me on, sometimes, often? Sure as shit it does. But more in the way that performative exhibitionist stuff does than the way building a direct personal sexual connection does. More like seeing a sexy movie turns me on general, makes me want to jump one of my partners, not necessarily jump the people I'm talking to or the actors in the movie. It is, in many ways, pornographically rather than directly sexual. It's about sharing sexual energy for eventual totally separate play, not about creating yearning for interpersonal sexual relationships.
Sexuality is one of the few arenas where it's not considered socially appropriate to share joy about good stuff in our lives, share tips, tricks, hobby details. This is deeply weird to me, I refuse to buy it, and I have chosen to actively resist that social pressure. So I talk about sex like many people do about knitting, about tricks for turning a sock heel, or places to find cool patterns. That's just part of how I am, how I've decided to interact with the world at large. I made that decision sometime in my teens (largely thanks to the environment in which I was raised -- another separate post needed on that), and never really looked back. However, it requires a good deal more thought and attention on my part to determine how to navigate ethical boundaries, how not to step on other people's relationship agreements or create pressures or nonconsensual sexual interactions. It in no way, in my mind, creates any expectation about how another person will react, or their engagement in things, especially their specific attraction/interest/availability in regards to a direct sexual connection between them and me. Sure, in some circumstances it begins one-on-one conversations that can grow in that direction, but that's much rarer in my life, and a very different step and dynamic development than what's going on here.
It's trickier because it's important to me not to shut my in-person friends out of such a huge element of my life. I could've decided only to add folks I don't know in person, not tell people in my day-to-day life I make porn when I feel like it, and oh, btw, it's up on xtube and you're welcome to check it out if you like. Or that hey, I'm back to writing smutty stuff on LJ/FB, and you can read it if you like. That definitely adds a layer of complexity -- do I expect something to "develop" (or redevelop, in the case of old lovers) when I tell someone that? How can I be clear to people that I don't? Sarah Hyperclarification Mode to the rescue! I write posts like this!
For me, there's worlds and worlds of difference between "I like doing X, and it's all cool if you find reading about that a turn-on" and "Let's talk about us hypothetically doing X together". The former is my general interaction style with the world, regardless of boundaries or my personal attraction/interest in someone. The latter is a form of sexual relationship, and one that can be powerful and important in my life in various ways if it progresses and develops.
To use the xtube example again (and since I keep referencing it, my username over there is moominmuppet, although FB won't allow me to provide a direct link); I get compliments over there, feedback over there, from complete strangers, and often complete strangers I can tell at a glance that I would be uninterested in developing a personal sexual interaction with. That doesn't mean that what they're saying is usually inappropriate for the context, or even that it doesn't often turn me on to get feedback (every exhibitionist needs some voyeurs!) but I can give some examples of when it's entirely comfortable for me, and when it starts getting less so:
"I just had to jack off to your pics and vids. wow!" -- sure it's graphic; it's xtube for maude's sake, and I just posted graphic porn. But it does not presume any interest in my part in going further than sharing my porn. It tells me how they reacted, not something they expect of me.
"That pussy is so hot I want some." -- not as entirely thrilled with this one, although in context it's not hugely boundary crossing. Still, it sort of implies a request in ways I don't love.
Private messages (anonymized):
"i love your videos an your turn ons i would love to bend over for you an you can have your way with my tight ass please use your strap-on i would love to chat with you if you have yahoo pm me at ******@yahoo.com and we can chat more" -- flattering, but relatively full of expectations. Doesn't alienate me entirely, though -- in the right mood I might respond to this (OK, I'm totally being more flexible on this one because he's into ass-play and I LOVE that).
"Hi there
Loved your profile and sexy pics just reading it got me all turned on. Its so horny to see that you share the same desires as me. My name is -- by the way i live in Engand. My ex gf introduced me to fisting and ass streching and now there is nothing i like more. If you fancy getting in touch that would be great exchange some pics and fantasies
Take care -- X" -- totally appropriate, request not expectation, no problem with this at all, even if I'm not interested in pursuing it.
"was good sexy were you form, and do you have a man if not do you have a number where i can call you at" -- Ummm, no. Dude, this approach will not get you where you want to go. At all. Ever. It assumes I want more interaction, it does not offer any polite way of turning him down (except to state that I'm already "claimed" by some man), and it pushes for private info it's reasonable to expect I might not want to share with every random person on xtube who watches my vids.
"That is one amazing list of turnons on your list. Im honestly open to all ove it. Why limit yoursefl sexually, you could be missing something amazing if you do. Wish you were my girl... lol" -- Just plain sweet. Again, expectation-free, purely a compliment.
"Miss i am writing to let you know that i adore your profile, there is so much honesty and openess that it is really refreshing to see. Miss i would like to converse more with you and see what comes of it.i hope to hear from you soon Miss." -- A direct request, framed appropriately (although the "Miss" is pretty useless with me; it cues me in that he's looking for some types of dynamics that wouldn't be happening with me).
"i want you to sit on my cock and ride it. your ass and pussy would feel great" -- Boundary-crossing, at least for me. I really don't dig much when folks jump from me sharing vids to the online sex without some kind of explicit permission.
"very hot! & love your tits and ass!" -- Not exactly poetry, but fine in context.
"Can I clean you up?" -- Um, no. You can fantasize about it all you like, you can try chatting with me to see if I might be receptive to you asking this _down the line_. Not the way to start with me. Boundary-crossing.
"Bravo! Well-played!!
You made me come quite hard. Thanks for sharing." -- Just makes me smile. Not a thing in the world wrong with this one; exactly the kind of comments I enjoy most.
Seeing the pattern here? Receiving the sexual energy I decide to throw out into the world and letting me know it did good things for you? Totally fabu. Placing expectations on me because I sometimes do so? Not the least bit fabu. Assuming we already have an ongoing direct sexual relationship because you watched my porn? Wandering into stalkerish headspace, frankly.
And basically, that's how it works in my writing and in-person conversational life, too. (note to self -- I remember writing more about this in the past; find old post about it) I share my sexual energy and thoughts broadly, but my decisions about the development of direct relationships, even online-only, are much more slow-moving, and a very much smaller subset of people. I can share with people I'm not at all compatible with, or would have serious boundary issues about becoming involved with. I can only develop relationship dynamics with people I _am_ compatible with, or at least compatible in the ways needed for that particular relationship dynamic. And these are very clearly distinct things inside my head, and I interact with the two situations very differently. It makes me somewhat-to-very uncomfortable when other folks don't see and respect this distinction.
Hmmm. Just occurred to me that this all applies to times I've had various forms of public sex, too. That hasn't been a remarkably frequent thing in my life, but there are certainly a decent number of times people have watched me have sex, or watched intense sexual BDSM play happening with me, and those boundaries are doubly important in that context (since it's generally happening in a play space of some sort, or in a group situation in my own home, this hasn't usually been a problem -- dealing with folks who mostly already grok those boundaries)
And I feel like I have a million more things to say about this, but I'm sleepy again and want to curl up with the snoring Chad next to me, so maybe I'll expand later, especially if anyone has any questions about how I navigate this stuff.
I talk about sex, including my own sex life, in graphic detail. And I also sometimes flirt and have online sex of various sorts (great way to burn off extra sexual energy without worry about navigating extra safer sex stuff in my life, given that my relationships explicitly permit such play). What's the difference?
A big one, at least in my mind. It has to do with radically different dynamics between me and the person/people with whom I'm interacting, and likely some very different expectations about how face-to-face dynamics may go between us. And it has a lot to do with sexual intimacy, too. Even totally setting aside my activist intents in sharing information and perspective, even just taking into account how sexual energy plays into things, still a very big difference. Talking Sex, for me, on a sexual energy level (damn do I sound like the hippy I am when I talk about this stuff), is about having fun bouncing that sexual energy around with other people, amping it (often mutually) without creating a direct sexual interaction. Does that turn me on, sometimes, often? Sure as shit it does. But more in the way that performative exhibitionist stuff does than the way building a direct personal sexual connection does. More like seeing a sexy movie turns me on general, makes me want to jump one of my partners, not necessarily jump the people I'm talking to or the actors in the movie. It is, in many ways, pornographically rather than directly sexual. It's about sharing sexual energy for eventual totally separate play, not about creating yearning for interpersonal sexual relationships.
Sexuality is one of the few arenas where it's not considered socially appropriate to share joy about good stuff in our lives, share tips, tricks, hobby details. This is deeply weird to me, I refuse to buy it, and I have chosen to actively resist that social pressure. So I talk about sex like many people do about knitting, about tricks for turning a sock heel, or places to find cool patterns. That's just part of how I am, how I've decided to interact with the world at large. I made that decision sometime in my teens (largely thanks to the environment in which I was raised -- another separate post needed on that), and never really looked back. However, it requires a good deal more thought and attention on my part to determine how to navigate ethical boundaries, how not to step on other people's relationship agreements or create pressures or nonconsensual sexual interactions. It in no way, in my mind, creates any expectation about how another person will react, or their engagement in things, especially their specific attraction/interest/availability in regards to a direct sexual connection between them and me. Sure, in some circumstances it begins one-on-one conversations that can grow in that direction, but that's much rarer in my life, and a very different step and dynamic development than what's going on here.
It's trickier because it's important to me not to shut my in-person friends out of such a huge element of my life. I could've decided only to add folks I don't know in person, not tell people in my day-to-day life I make porn when I feel like it, and oh, btw, it's up on xtube and you're welcome to check it out if you like. Or that hey, I'm back to writing smutty stuff on LJ/FB, and you can read it if you like. That definitely adds a layer of complexity -- do I expect something to "develop" (or redevelop, in the case of old lovers) when I tell someone that? How can I be clear to people that I don't? Sarah Hyperclarification Mode to the rescue! I write posts like this!
For me, there's worlds and worlds of difference between "I like doing X, and it's all cool if you find reading about that a turn-on" and "Let's talk about us hypothetically doing X together". The former is my general interaction style with the world, regardless of boundaries or my personal attraction/interest in someone. The latter is a form of sexual relationship, and one that can be powerful and important in my life in various ways if it progresses and develops.
To use the xtube example again (and since I keep referencing it, my username over there is moominmuppet, although FB won't allow me to provide a direct link); I get compliments over there, feedback over there, from complete strangers, and often complete strangers I can tell at a glance that I would be uninterested in developing a personal sexual interaction with. That doesn't mean that what they're saying is usually inappropriate for the context, or even that it doesn't often turn me on to get feedback (every exhibitionist needs some voyeurs!) but I can give some examples of when it's entirely comfortable for me, and when it starts getting less so:
"I just had to jack off to your pics and vids. wow!" -- sure it's graphic; it's xtube for maude's sake, and I just posted graphic porn. But it does not presume any interest in my part in going further than sharing my porn. It tells me how they reacted, not something they expect of me.
"That pussy is so hot I want some." -- not as entirely thrilled with this one, although in context it's not hugely boundary crossing. Still, it sort of implies a request in ways I don't love.
Private messages (anonymized):
"i love your videos an your turn ons i would love to bend over for you an you can have your way with my tight ass please use your strap-on i would love to chat with you if you have yahoo pm me at ******@yahoo.com and we can chat more" -- flattering, but relatively full of expectations. Doesn't alienate me entirely, though -- in the right mood I might respond to this (OK, I'm totally being more flexible on this one because he's into ass-play and I LOVE that).
"Hi there
Loved your profile and sexy pics just reading it got me all turned on. Its so horny to see that you share the same desires as me. My name is -- by the way i live in Engand. My ex gf introduced me to fisting and ass streching and now there is nothing i like more. If you fancy getting in touch that would be great exchange some pics and fantasies
Take care -- X" -- totally appropriate, request not expectation, no problem with this at all, even if I'm not interested in pursuing it.
"was good sexy were you form, and do you have a man if not do you have a number where i can call you at" -- Ummm, no. Dude, this approach will not get you where you want to go. At all. Ever. It assumes I want more interaction, it does not offer any polite way of turning him down (except to state that I'm already "claimed" by some man), and it pushes for private info it's reasonable to expect I might not want to share with every random person on xtube who watches my vids.
"That is one amazing list of turnons on your list. Im honestly open to all ove it. Why limit yoursefl sexually, you could be missing something amazing if you do. Wish you were my girl... lol" -- Just plain sweet. Again, expectation-free, purely a compliment.
"Miss i am writing to let you know that i adore your profile, there is so much honesty and openess that it is really refreshing to see. Miss i would like to converse more with you and see what comes of it.i hope to hear from you soon Miss." -- A direct request, framed appropriately (although the "Miss" is pretty useless with me; it cues me in that he's looking for some types of dynamics that wouldn't be happening with me).
"i want you to sit on my cock and ride it. your ass and pussy would feel great" -- Boundary-crossing, at least for me. I really don't dig much when folks jump from me sharing vids to the online sex without some kind of explicit permission.
"very hot! & love your tits and ass!" -- Not exactly poetry, but fine in context.
"Can I clean you up?" -- Um, no. You can fantasize about it all you like, you can try chatting with me to see if I might be receptive to you asking this _down the line_. Not the way to start with me. Boundary-crossing.
"Bravo! Well-played!!
You made me come quite hard. Thanks for sharing." -- Just makes me smile. Not a thing in the world wrong with this one; exactly the kind of comments I enjoy most.
Seeing the pattern here? Receiving the sexual energy I decide to throw out into the world and letting me know it did good things for you? Totally fabu. Placing expectations on me because I sometimes do so? Not the least bit fabu. Assuming we already have an ongoing direct sexual relationship because you watched my porn? Wandering into stalkerish headspace, frankly.
And basically, that's how it works in my writing and in-person conversational life, too. (note to self -- I remember writing more about this in the past; find old post about it) I share my sexual energy and thoughts broadly, but my decisions about the development of direct relationships, even online-only, are much more slow-moving, and a very much smaller subset of people. I can share with people I'm not at all compatible with, or would have serious boundary issues about becoming involved with. I can only develop relationship dynamics with people I _am_ compatible with, or at least compatible in the ways needed for that particular relationship dynamic. And these are very clearly distinct things inside my head, and I interact with the two situations very differently. It makes me somewhat-to-very uncomfortable when other folks don't see and respect this distinction.
Hmmm. Just occurred to me that this all applies to times I've had various forms of public sex, too. That hasn't been a remarkably frequent thing in my life, but there are certainly a decent number of times people have watched me have sex, or watched intense sexual BDSM play happening with me, and those boundaries are doubly important in that context (since it's generally happening in a play space of some sort, or in a group situation in my own home, this hasn't usually been a problem -- dealing with folks who mostly already grok those boundaries)
And I feel like I have a million more things to say about this, but I'm sleepy again and want to curl up with the snoring Chad next to me, so maybe I'll expand later, especially if anyone has any questions about how I navigate this stuff.