Last night's post got too long, Part 1: Mania and life philosophies
Like the title says... Had to break it apart; I couldn't even make sense of it otherwise anymore.
I've been in an... interesting... mood the last few days.
And this post rambled all through another round of insomnia last night (still haven't slept), so it's so long and random that it basically needs chapter headings.
Radical openness, mania, and life choices:
Don't know yet whether it's the drop in Cymbalta dosage, being a bit manic at the moment (trileptal's mostly working pretty well except for some annoying side effects I hope go away with time, but I've had to drop the dosage for a few days while my pharmacy and insurance company sort some shit out, and I'm definitely feeling the effects), or just being in a mood, but I'm having a libido bounce at the moment. There's also been a lot of fundamentally inter-related stuff happening in my head and my interactions with the world recently. As most folks reading probably already know, I've made intentional decisions to try to live my life pretty radically openly, and a lot of this is just expressions of that. This is what's going on in my head, so this is what I'm talking about.
One of the weird but mostly positive elements of how I've integrated my particular forms of crazy into my life has to do with my approach to a sort of radical openness (Huh. Pretty sure I wrote about this a few years ago -- should go look). Basically, finding ways in my life to make a virtue out of the fact that I often cannot bite my tongue and be respectable.
The way I most often express mania is sort of an intensified version of a lot of basic elements of my personality. My tendencies, preferences, and personal philosophies all tend toward a rather hyper-communicative no-sense-of-TMI openness. Given my personal and academic lifelong interest in sexuality (beyond the basic "sex is fun" that almost all of us groove on), that tends to be a large element of things I talk about, both informationally and personally. Navigating that is interesting and complicated and even nerve-wracking at times, but I generally think our societal taboos about that sort of thing are deeply fucked, so I generally feel pretty thoroughly ok about placing a priority in my life on poking holes in them, and being willing to take some personal and emotional risks to do so. Like many folks who are bipolar, I identify much more strongly with the "me" that I am when I'm slightly manic than when I'm mid-level or depressed. Sure, sometimes I'm putting my crazy on display with posting frequency and intensity, but am I saying things I regret when I'm no longer manic? Not really. If anything, I particularly appreciate the focus and ease with which I can write and express things when I'm manic, that at other times I don't have the energy and motivation to write. Might have some moments of self-consciousness, but almost never actual regret.
It's a phase in which I'm more likely to take risks, as the DSM will happily tell you, but for me those risks are mostly in line with my philosophies. That's sort of what I mean about integrating my crazy into my life. My philosophies and my bipolar have always been intertwined in my life; part of growing up has been figuring out how to maximize the advantages of my particular weirdnesses, and minimize the disadvantages. Certainly it's also true that my manic periods are a factor in why and how I've negotiated the relationship agreements I have with my partners. Having periods of hypersexuality does not mean my ethics go on vacation. I happen to like my hypersexual periods, get a lot out of them in terms of new and interesting experiences, and generally have a lot of remarkably safe and mutually emotionally respectful sex of various types. That's not a bit out of line with my personal morals, so it's just not a problematic factor in dealing with the bipolar. Instead, my long-standing poly relationships are with people who can accept and value those elements, and make space for more casual "bursts" occasionally. And on the flip side, given my extreme libidinal unpredictability, even with med side-effects set aside, I generally find it uncomfortable to be my partner's only acceptable source of sexual contact. Do I think it's why I'm poly? Nope. Do I think it's why my relationships take the particular specific form they do? Sure I do. Do I recognize the "symptomatic" elements of it? Yup! I also see those clearly in my organizational obsessions, and I try to use those for the greater good at work. And really, bipolar is a lifelong thing; I experience it much more as an organic element of who I am than an externally imposed sickness. It can be a huge pain the ass, it can be limiting at times in various ways, but it also adds a lot to my life when I integrate it in useful and happy ways.
I've been in an... interesting... mood the last few days.
And this post rambled all through another round of insomnia last night (still haven't slept), so it's so long and random that it basically needs chapter headings.
Radical openness, mania, and life choices:
Don't know yet whether it's the drop in Cymbalta dosage, being a bit manic at the moment (trileptal's mostly working pretty well except for some annoying side effects I hope go away with time, but I've had to drop the dosage for a few days while my pharmacy and insurance company sort some shit out, and I'm definitely feeling the effects), or just being in a mood, but I'm having a libido bounce at the moment. There's also been a lot of fundamentally inter-related stuff happening in my head and my interactions with the world recently. As most folks reading probably already know, I've made intentional decisions to try to live my life pretty radically openly, and a lot of this is just expressions of that. This is what's going on in my head, so this is what I'm talking about.
One of the weird but mostly positive elements of how I've integrated my particular forms of crazy into my life has to do with my approach to a sort of radical openness (Huh. Pretty sure I wrote about this a few years ago -- should go look). Basically, finding ways in my life to make a virtue out of the fact that I often cannot bite my tongue and be respectable.
The way I most often express mania is sort of an intensified version of a lot of basic elements of my personality. My tendencies, preferences, and personal philosophies all tend toward a rather hyper-communicative no-sense-of-TMI openness. Given my personal and academic lifelong interest in sexuality (beyond the basic "sex is fun" that almost all of us groove on), that tends to be a large element of things I talk about, both informationally and personally. Navigating that is interesting and complicated and even nerve-wracking at times, but I generally think our societal taboos about that sort of thing are deeply fucked, so I generally feel pretty thoroughly ok about placing a priority in my life on poking holes in them, and being willing to take some personal and emotional risks to do so. Like many folks who are bipolar, I identify much more strongly with the "me" that I am when I'm slightly manic than when I'm mid-level or depressed. Sure, sometimes I'm putting my crazy on display with posting frequency and intensity, but am I saying things I regret when I'm no longer manic? Not really. If anything, I particularly appreciate the focus and ease with which I can write and express things when I'm manic, that at other times I don't have the energy and motivation to write. Might have some moments of self-consciousness, but almost never actual regret.
It's a phase in which I'm more likely to take risks, as the DSM will happily tell you, but for me those risks are mostly in line with my philosophies. That's sort of what I mean about integrating my crazy into my life. My philosophies and my bipolar have always been intertwined in my life; part of growing up has been figuring out how to maximize the advantages of my particular weirdnesses, and minimize the disadvantages. Certainly it's also true that my manic periods are a factor in why and how I've negotiated the relationship agreements I have with my partners. Having periods of hypersexuality does not mean my ethics go on vacation. I happen to like my hypersexual periods, get a lot out of them in terms of new and interesting experiences, and generally have a lot of remarkably safe and mutually emotionally respectful sex of various types. That's not a bit out of line with my personal morals, so it's just not a problematic factor in dealing with the bipolar. Instead, my long-standing poly relationships are with people who can accept and value those elements, and make space for more casual "bursts" occasionally. And on the flip side, given my extreme libidinal unpredictability, even with med side-effects set aside, I generally find it uncomfortable to be my partner's only acceptable source of sexual contact. Do I think it's why I'm poly? Nope. Do I think it's why my relationships take the particular specific form they do? Sure I do. Do I recognize the "symptomatic" elements of it? Yup! I also see those clearly in my organizational obsessions, and I try to use those for the greater good at work. And really, bipolar is a lifelong thing; I experience it much more as an organic element of who I am than an externally imposed sickness. It can be a huge pain the ass, it can be limiting at times in various ways, but it also adds a lot to my life when I integrate it in useful and happy ways.