(no subject)
another series of poor decisions has left me facing myself backwards
i think i am just crossbrained. trying to fix it doesn't seem to be working. when i think i'm making progress, i find out that i've done something else wrong. when i think i'm doing good i undo it quickly by doing something stupid.
karma is telling me to get a grip or get it over with, but putting myself in limbo over and over again is too much strain and she can't take care of me anymore. i always just wanted to be happy and have fun. never wanted to hurt anyone.
yes, i think sometimes that dying would be the right answer. i sit and contemplate all the reasons and feelings for it and decide that i need to pet the dog instead. but the outcome of my latest dumbassery might convince me to take the dog with so i'll have her to pet in whatever level of hell i end up in.
all my stupidity and lack of control has finally gotten me the DUI that could kill my career and my sense of self. i of course will take full responsibility for being an idiot. but that decision may end my career. if i get reduced in rank when i go to captains mast, i will be kicked out of the service for high year tenure, as the new rules state that e-5's can only stay in for 14 years. and i am over 14 years.
then what? should i just start planning to get out now? attend taps class, hardsell my house in jax, euthanize my dogs and cat, flush the fish and start selling my toys on the side of the road? figure out how to bicycle my way back to my parent's house where i can either start again or use my yard sale money to buy a nice grave to hold me after i rewrite my will to take care of my kids. my daughter tells me i'm her hero, but i am not hero material. i keep screwing up. i'm so tired of being a failure. not all the fine quotes and best wishes and prayers and lit candles and OH SHITS from friends and family can help me.
am i missing a few choices? is this all too black and white because i'm stuck in the middle of a fresh mess and can't smell any fresh air? thinking i can either tread water or drown...is there a direction to swim to? what do i want? i want a time machine. but i can't waste my time wishing for horses when i've killed them all with my stupidity. i'm shakey and confused. i washed my hair with body wash instead of shampoo and stood in the shower with a razor in my hand because i couldn't remember if i'd already shaved or not.
i'm not supposed to drive, but i have to get groceries. i have to get a grip and find a purpose and set a small goal or two, since shaving my legs didn't work out. because as i sit here and look, no i hadn't shaved. my hands tremble constantly today, i'm a bundle of nerves. i took two xanax instead of one. i can take up to six, i might end up with that today just so i can function.
this is incredibly terrifying and its my own fault. i apologize for letting everyone down.
i think i am just crossbrained. trying to fix it doesn't seem to be working. when i think i'm making progress, i find out that i've done something else wrong. when i think i'm doing good i undo it quickly by doing something stupid.
karma is telling me to get a grip or get it over with, but putting myself in limbo over and over again is too much strain and she can't take care of me anymore. i always just wanted to be happy and have fun. never wanted to hurt anyone.
yes, i think sometimes that dying would be the right answer. i sit and contemplate all the reasons and feelings for it and decide that i need to pet the dog instead. but the outcome of my latest dumbassery might convince me to take the dog with so i'll have her to pet in whatever level of hell i end up in.
all my stupidity and lack of control has finally gotten me the DUI that could kill my career and my sense of self. i of course will take full responsibility for being an idiot. but that decision may end my career. if i get reduced in rank when i go to captains mast, i will be kicked out of the service for high year tenure, as the new rules state that e-5's can only stay in for 14 years. and i am over 14 years.
then what? should i just start planning to get out now? attend taps class, hardsell my house in jax, euthanize my dogs and cat, flush the fish and start selling my toys on the side of the road? figure out how to bicycle my way back to my parent's house where i can either start again or use my yard sale money to buy a nice grave to hold me after i rewrite my will to take care of my kids. my daughter tells me i'm her hero, but i am not hero material. i keep screwing up. i'm so tired of being a failure. not all the fine quotes and best wishes and prayers and lit candles and OH SHITS from friends and family can help me.
am i missing a few choices? is this all too black and white because i'm stuck in the middle of a fresh mess and can't smell any fresh air? thinking i can either tread water or drown...is there a direction to swim to? what do i want? i want a time machine. but i can't waste my time wishing for horses when i've killed them all with my stupidity. i'm shakey and confused. i washed my hair with body wash instead of shampoo and stood in the shower with a razor in my hand because i couldn't remember if i'd already shaved or not.
i'm not supposed to drive, but i have to get groceries. i have to get a grip and find a purpose and set a small goal or two, since shaving my legs didn't work out. because as i sit here and look, no i hadn't shaved. my hands tremble constantly today, i'm a bundle of nerves. i took two xanax instead of one. i can take up to six, i might end up with that today just so i can function.
this is incredibly terrifying and its my own fault. i apologize for letting everyone down.