Hope & Pain (Chapter 4/?)
Title: Hope & Pain
Author: Me^.^
Pairing: Tegoshi/Masuda
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, romance
Summary: Tegoshi lived behind and armour, a smile that prevented him from getting enemies. But eventually, he would let someone inside, smiling genuinely at that special person.
Notes: English is my second language, mistakes will occur even though I try to not make them^^
Comments are love ^.^<333
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3
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Tegoshi blinked a few times in the strong sunlight and hid his face in his pillow. The first thing he noticed was that it smelled different than usual, and it felt different too. He opened his eyes and sat up, looking at the unfamiliar room he was located in. Where could he be? It took him a while to completely wake up and remember yesterday, the party, the meeting with these guys that harassed him, and finally, Massu saving him and taking him home. Was this Massu’s house? He looked down at his body, it surely wasn’t his own clothes he was dressed in, they were way too big for that. He got up from bed and walked slowly towards the door. When he opened it, he could hear a soft humming from the kitchen, and it made him smile. Masuda stood in the kitchen, cooking breakfast apparently. He turned around with a smile when he saw Tegoshi in the doorway. “Tesshi! Have you slept well?”
Tegoshi nodded and looked down. He felt like he was disturbing Masuda, just wandering around inside his home like this. Masuda walked towards him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Are you feeling okay?”
Tegoshi bit his lip, and could soon feel Masuda’s strong arms wrap around him. “I understand that you’re still upset after yesterday, and its okay. Just talk to me if that would make you feel better.”
“I’m sorry, Massu…for interloping like this.”
Masuda just laughed and patted his head. “What are you talking about? There’s no way I would have let you home all alone after what happened yesterday.”
Tegoshi felt how tears started to gather in the corners of his eyes, and he wrapped his arms tightly around Masuda’s waist. Masuda patted the back of his head lightly. “Hey, what’s the matter?”
Tegoshi just shook his head. “I’m so sorry…” His voice came out as barely a whisper, and Masuda broke their embrace, looking him deep in the eyes. “Don’t say you’re sorry when you haven’t done anything wrong.”
Tegoshi sobbed, felt how his heart sank like a stone in his chest. He was breaking down again, even though he had promised himself not to. He gazed at the floor, feeling how the tears continued to fall down his cheeks. “I’m sorry…”
Masuda embraced him again, this time tighter. “Would you just stop acting so strong all the time? You should just allow yourself to be sad and rely on someone else sometimes…”
Tegoshi shook his head. “I don’t want to be a bother to anyone.”
Masuda hit his head lightly. “Idiot, you’re not a bother. How can you even think that?”
“Because…” His voice cracked before he could finish the sentence. Masuda broke their embrace and looked at him, eyes concerned. “Tell me. I need to know why you feel like this in order to help you, I need to know what you feel. Just tell me.”
Tegoshi faced the floor once again. Parts of him wanted to tell Masuda everything, but he was scared to. He flinched when he felt a hand grabbing his own, squeezing it firmly. He looked up, meeting Masuda’s caring and worried eyes. For some reason, Tegoshi felt like he could trust them, trust that Masuda honestly wanted to help him and cared for him. “I…” His voice broke once again, but Masuda just patted his head.
“Take your time, don’t rush it. Breakfast should come first, you won’t be able to summon the courage and energy to tell me anything on an empty stomach.”
Tegoshi laughed lightly and wiped the tears. “You always seem to know how to take good care about me, don’t you?”
Masuda laughed and started to place plates on the table, filling them with all kinds of delicious-looking dishes. “Someone has to do it since you seem unable to do it yourself.”
Tegoshi just laughed, his heart already feeling lighter.
Masuda was right; Tegoshi was feeling a lot stronger after eating some, especially Masuda’s delicious food. For the first time in a long while, Tegoshi was filled with courage. He looked up at Masuda with determined eyes. “I think…I think I’m ready to tell you now. What do you want to know?”
Masuda thought about it for a while before speaking. “These guys from yesterday…have they treated you bad before?”
Tegoshi just nodded. “For how long?”
“Since I started working there, so about two years.” He said it in a matter-of-fact-tone, as if it was something normal to him. And it sort of was.
Masuda stared at him. “Have you talked about it with someone? Have you told your boss?”
Tegoshi nodded. “He said that I should try to understand their reasons or whatever. They higher-ups have more important things to think about that some errand-boy being bullied.”
Masuda started to say something, but Tegoshi disrupted him. “They won’t care even if I tell them, so it’s meaningless. And I’m used to it, so it’s okay.”
“You don’t get used to that kind of thing…”
Tegoshi sighed. “You do, really. If you’re surrounded by monsters you will soon learn how to defend yourself against them.”
Masuda reached after his hand and touched it lightly. “That’s how you feel?”
Tegoshi looked down. Masuda squeezed his hand. “I would never believe that you felt like this when you’re smiling like that all the time…”
“That’s because I’m just acting that up.” Tegoshi’s voice was barely a whisper, but Masuda seemed to have heard him anyway. “Why are you doing that? I want you to show me who you really are.”
Tegoshi shook his head. “If you got to know the real me, you would run away.” He couldn’t stop the tears falling down his cheeks, just because it hurt to say it aloud. He had thought about it for years, but never told another person, just because he was scared to be completely left alone. He got really startled when he felt Masuda’s arms wrap around him, holding him tightly, and hands caressing his hair. “Don’t ever think that, I wouldn’t leave you. You might be a wounded and lonely person, but you’re not a bad one.”
“You don’t know that…”
Masuda loosened his grip and looked Tegoshi in the eye. “A bad person wouldn’t sit here and cry, looking like a broken puppy.” Tegoshi sobbed, and Masuda laughed, patting his head. “Seriously, you need to think better about yourself.”
Tegoshi stared down at his lap, biting his lip. Masuda placed a hand under his shin and stared him deep in the eyes, something that made Tegoshi blush slightly.
“Smile.”
Tegoshi stared at Masuda. “What?”
“Smile. You’re much cuter when you smile.”
It took a few seconds for Tegoshi to process it all, but then he did his best to place a smile on his lips. It ended up being really pressed and awkward. Masuda poked at his side, Tegoshi’s weak tickling-point, and a genuine smile crossed his lips. Masuda patted his head. “That’s better. You don’t need to smile if you don’t feel like it, you should be sad when being sad, not forcing yourself to be happy.”
Tegoshi tipped his head to the side. “What was that for?”
Masuda smiled. “The first time you just pressed it, right? But the second smile was an honest one. I want to see your honest smile, not a faked one, okay?”
Tegoshi nodded. “I am honest when being with Massu.” Masuda sent him a sceptical glance. “At least most of the time.”
Masuda patted his head. “I want you to be honest with me always, and I want to see your true self. Even if you’re sad or angry, just show me, don’t put a front up just to seem less troublesome.”
Tegoshi nodded slightly. “I’ll try.”
Masuda nodded and patted his arm lightly. “And I won’t run away when seeing your true self, that’s a promise. I will love your true self even more than I love your faked one, I’m sure of it.”
Tegoshi looked at Masuda, eyes filled with tears. It was the first time, the first time someone told him that they loved him. “Massu loves me?”
Masuda smiled and poked his cheek. “Of course, you’re my important and irreplaceable friend.”
Tegoshi smiled, but he felt a light sting in his heart when hearing the word ‘friend’. It wasn’t that he didn’t get happy about it, he did, but his heart wished for something more. It wished for someone that would hold him, kiss him and love him, for someone that needed only him. He pushed the thought away quickly. Masuda was happy to be with him, and even if it was only friendship, Tegoshi was happy about it.
****
As the weeks passed on, and the more Tegoshi learned to know Masuda, he noticed something strange with his own behaviour. He blushed when being with Masuda, stuttered over words and fumbled. The feeling was too familiar for his own liking, but there was no doubt about what it was he was feeling. Love. Once again, he had fallen in love, even though he had promised himself not to. And this time there wasn’t some crush over a co-worker he barely even knew, but with a friend, and a close one above all. Tegoshi was scared, scared that his feelings would ruin his friendship with Masuda. He didn’t want that, Masuda meant do much to him, and he didn’t want to lose him. But honestly, he wasn’t even surprised that he had fallen in love with Masuda, because the other man had treated him so nicely and cared for him so much. Tegoshi was weak for such actions, and maybe it was only natural to fall in love then. Not that it did things any better for him, his problem still remained, and his feelings didn’t seem to decrease as time passed, but the opposite. His mind had the theory that Masuda maybe, maybe would like him back, because they were really close after all. Tegoshi didn’t have the confidence to find out though, being scared to ruin the most important thing in his life.
It was a beautiful day that day, early spring, cherry trees blooming in the warm sunlight. Spring was said to be the season of love, and Tegoshi sort of started to believe in that this day. His heart fluttered when he met with Masuda during lunch-time, which they had decided to spend in the nearby park. Masuda’s smile always seemed to make his knees bend under him, but it was special today. As if Masuda’s smile was the sun that lighted Tegoshi’s world up and made it warm. He seemed happy today, and naturally it made Tegoshi happy as well. After eating, Masuda lay down on the grass, eyes closed as he enjoyed the sunlight. Tegoshi couldn’t help but to just watch him, adore his sweet face, imagining how his warm skin would feel under his touch. He felt…embarrassed while thinking that, but he still couldn’t stop his daydreaming. It wasn’t wrong to dream, was it?
“What are you looking at?”
Tegoshi’s heart skipped a beat, and he was brought back to reality when he heard Masuda’s voice. He couldn’t stop the slight blush that spread across his cheeks. “Ohhh, sorry, I spaced out.”
Masuda laughed and punched him in the arm. “It’s embarrassing when you look at me like that.”
Tegoshi giggled nervously, doing his best to hide his racing heart and now quite obvious blushing. He stared to worry actually, if things would keep up like this, then Masuda would totally expose his feelings in no time at all.
It was a shame, but Tegoshi actually felt relieved when the lunch-break was over and he had to separate with Masuda. It was tiring to keep his racing emotions under control all the time. He decided that this would end as a bad day if he wasn’t careful, so he had to take care. He walked past some of his co-workers in the corridor, and to his own surprise they didn’t say a thing to him, they didn’t even whisper something behind his back. Maybe Masuda had really given them a lesson when he didn’t know, or maybe it was because Tegoshi had started to defend himself against them, spitting out rebuttals whenever they said something condescendingly about him. It was a relief anyway, and his workplace wasn’t so bad anymore, even though he didn’t know yet if they planned something and tried to envelope him in a security that was faked. It wasn’t like he cared, he felt strong enough to fight them now, and wasn’t afraid of them. And that was thanks to Masuda, he was certain about it.
Today was the kind of day when Tegoshi had the most uninteresting assignments in the entire company, and it mostly consisted of copying papers or making coffee. He was sort of happy that he got such assignments today though, because he was able to let his mind wander wherever it wanted without getting scolded for spacing out. When he finally got off, he saw Masuda standing outside the office, waving happily when he saw Tegoshi walking towards him. “Massu, what are you doing here?”
Masuda just smiled. “I thought I could wait for you to get off so we could go home together.”
Tegoshi couldn’t do anything but smile, just because it was such a sweet thing to do. Masuda was like that, really. It made Tegoshi happy, but it made him sad too. It made him feel so wrong. He was always wrong, this time because he was a man who loved another man. He noticed after a while that Masuda gazed at him. “Something’s wrong?”
Masuda’s voice sounded concerned. Tegoshi shook his head and smiled. “Nope, nothing.”
They walked in silence after that, listening to the traffic at the road close to the park they were walking through. It was beautiful, even in this darkness, Tegoshi thought. He could still distinguish the light-pink colour of the cherry blossom in the light of a lamppost. He suddenly stopped walking, gazing up at the black, starless sky. Masuda noticed that he had stopped and turned around. “Tesshi?”
Tegoshi didn’t know what part of him that took the control of his body that moment, but somehow he couldn’t ignore his emotions. He took a couple of steps in Masuda’s direction and looked him in the eye when he stood in front of him. “Massu loves me, right?”
Masuda nodded with an awkward smile on his lips. Tegoshi took a deep breath. “I love you too. A lot.”
Masuda patted his head while laughing softly. “That’s good, Tesshi.”
Tegoshi shook his head. “No, not like that.”
Masuda suddenly looked confused as his gaze met Tegoshi’s. “What do you mean?”
Tegoshi didn’t know how to put his emotions into words, and he didn’t get time to think about it before his body reacted, leaning forward until his lips met with Masuda’s. It didn’t last long, sadly, and Tegoshi’s heart broke the moment Masuda grabbed his shoulders and pulled them apart. That was surely enough as answer. He didn’t look up to meet Masuda’s gaze, instead he let his eyes rest on the ground underneath him.
“Tegoshi, I’m sorry…I…I have to go now.” Masuda’s voice sounded shaky, and he quickly let go of Tegoshi’s shoulders, walking away with hurrying steps. Tegoshi felt that familiar wetness in his eyes, and that familiar sadness lingered in his heart. He knew it now. This had been a mistake. He and his emotions had been a mistake, just as usual.
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Sorry for the delay >_< I seem to always be delayed nowadays…
About the chap…not satisfied. It’s quite a long one, but it still didn’t say what I wanted it to.
I’ll try to make the next one better. And I’ll try to include some fluff in it, because I miss writing fluff XD
Thanks for reading ^.^ Now I’m off to sleep ~