Hope & Pain (Chapter 5/?)

[momonyan]

Title: Hope & Pain
Author: Me^.^
Pairing: Tegoshi/Masuda
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, romance
Summary: Tegoshi lived behind and armour, a smile that prevented him from getting enemies. But eventually, he would let someone inside, smiling genuinely at that special person.
Notes: English is my second language, mistakes will occur even though I try to not make them^^
Comments are love ^.^<333 
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3  Chapter 4


*~*~*~*~*~*

”Hi, baby.”

Tegoshi greeted Tinnie when he opened the door to his apartment and stepped inside slowly. The dog seemed happy to see him, but happiness was the feeling Tegoshi barely remembered how it felt at the moment. He looked down at the dog when he had taken his coat off, walked towards the living room. “I’m sorry, honey, but I’m not up to playing with you. I’ve just had my heart broken, so you have to be patient with me, ok?”

He fell down on the couch, sighing deeply, felt how the tears made their way down his cheeks once again. What if it was over now, completely? What if Masuda thought he was disgusting and never wanted to see him again? What if he really had destroyed the most important thing in his life? Masuda was the one who had brought hope to Tegoshi’s life, hope and warmth. And just because of this, Tegoshi had ruined it. Because if Masuda had liked Tegoshi back, then he wouldn’t just have run off like that, would he? But that’s what he had done, and it was clearer than any words in Tegoshi’s opinion. And that fact made him want to lay down on the floor and die, just because he felt so hopeless. Tegoshi flinched slightly when he felt a sudden heaviness on his stomach, and felt Tinnie’s wet tongue lick away his tears. He laughed lightly before sobbing loudly, hugging Tinnie tightly while crying. “You know how to comfort me, at least.”

He flinched when he heard how his cell phone rang, a part of his heart wished that it would be Masuda on the other side of the line, but that would also be the most terrifying scenario. It wasn’t Masuda who had called him anyway, but someone he knew would make him feel better. “Mom?”

Tegoshi tried to keep his voice steady to not expose that he was crying.

“Yuya! How are you feeling, baby?”

Tegoshi laughed lightly, that question was a standard whenever he talked to his mother. “I’m fine, mom.”

“You surely don’t sound like your fine…have something happened?”

Tegoshi didn’t want to lie to her, not this time. But he didn’t want to tell the entire truth either. “There’s just a lot going on at the moment…but I’m alright. It’ll get better soon, I know it.”

“Don’t overwork yourself, Yuya. You have your entire life in front of you.” Tegoshi could hear on his mother’s voice that she was relieved to hear that he was doing fine. “Mom…can I come by tomorrow?”

He could hear his mother laughing. “Of course, darling! You know it makes me the happiest when you comes and visit.”

Tegoshi smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow then. I love you, mom.”

She laughed again. “What’s up with that suddenly?”

“I just wanted to tell you.”

She laughed lightly. “It makes me so happy that you say it. I love you too, sweetheart.”

Tegoshi smiled when he took the phone from his ear and put it down on the table. His mother had that effect on him, she always made him smile, made him feel like his life weren’t all hopeless. He wouldn’t survive without her, surely. She was the one person that made him feel loved, and made him understand that he wasn’t completely alone in this world. They had always been close, but especially since Tegoshi’s father died. She had been the one who had been taking care of him, always with a smile on her lips. Even when Tegoshi moved from home and she was hospitalized, they didn’t lose their contact at all. Tegoshi loved her so much, and he would be lonely without her. So lonely he probably wouldn’t stand it.

****

Tegoshi felt empty when he got to work the next day. Something was missing, that smile and warm aura he had gotten used to. But Masuda wasn’t there with him today. He didn’t seem to be there at all, because Tegoshi didn’t see him for the entire day. Shige told him that Masuda was on some photo shoot somewhere, and Tegoshi felt both relieved and disappointed when he understood that he wouldn’t be seeing him today. His workplace seemed so boring and colourless without Masuda around, and he got sad when thinking that it may be this he had to get used to now. It really was, if Masuda would break all ties with him. He got sad from just the thought, and pushed it away to prevent and break-down he would be happy to live without.

It was a relief when Tegoshi could leave the office-building and head towards the hospital where his mother lived. It wasn’t such a far distance away from his work, so he used to walk there. He did that today too, even though it was raining outside today. The rain matched his mood completely, dull and gray. He had been used to this and never seen anything else, never seen the happiness. Now when he knew what it felt like to be happy, this was much more depressing than it used to be. He thought about Masuda, about his wonderful smile that made all of his troubles vanish. He let one tear fall down his cheek before wiping it away angrily. He couldn’t be like this when meeting his mother; she would surely become worried about him and wonder what had happened. He didn’t want that, he wasn’t ready to tell anyone yet, least of all his mother.

Tegoshi felt cold and a little damp when entering the lobby of the hospital, quickly turning left and walking up the stairs that led to the floor where his mother’s room law. He didn’t have to look at the nameplate on the door, he knew very well which room that belonged to his her. He opened the door with a smile on his face, but it soon withered. The room was completely empty, not a single trace of his mother. There were no bedclothes on the bed, and all her belongings were gone as well. Tegoshi hurried out of the room, tried to find someone to talk to.

“Tegoshi-kun!”

Tegoshi turned around and saw his mother’s doctor, a middle-aged man with gray hair and a small moustache. “Sensei! Where’s my mom? She wasn’t in her room…”

The man eyed him with sad eyes. “I know that this will be hard on you, but she passed away this morning, she had a cerebral hemorrhage. I’m sorry, I knew she was the only one you had.”

Tegoshi stared at the man in front of him, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. “But…why? Couldn’t you have saved her?”

The man patted his shoulder kindly. “We did all we could, I can promise you that.”

“There was so much she wanted to do…so many things she still hadn’t achieved…”

“I know.”

Tegoshi let the tears fall and sobbed loudly. First Masuda, and now his mother. Why was everyone leaving him? Why did everyone leave him all alone? Tegoshi felt an arm wrap around his shoulders, and he let the doctor lead him to the couch for visitors.

“Do you want to see her?”

Tegoshi looked up and nodded slightly before breaking down in tears again, hiding his face in his hands.

****

Tegoshi got home late that night. He had been crying non-stop since he left the hospital, and the pictures he had in his head of his mother’s dead body didn’t make it easier. He needed someone now, someone to comfort him. He picked up his phone and started to dial Shige’s number. He held the phone to his ear and heard two signals…three…ten. Shige didn’t pick up. He dialled again, but Shige still didn’t answer. It felt hopeless, who else could he call? Yamashita? No, he was too distant, not close enough to understand Tegoshi’s feelings. Tegoshi knew in his heart whom to call, the one who would surely had made him feel better. But he was scared of pressing the button, scared to once and for all get erased from Masuda’s life. With shaky finger’s he pushed the ‘call’-button, and then he waited. It felt like his heart stopped when he heard Masuda’s voice on the other side. “Massu…”

Tegoshi could hear how his own voice trembled, how obvious it was that he was crying.

“Tegoshi, I…” Masuda’s voice sounded shaky as well, for reasons Tegoshi couldn’t figure. “I need some time to think alone. Would you please…keep a distance from me?”

Tegoshi couldn’t stop the sob that escaped his throat. “Massu, please…Please, don’t leave me all alone. Not now…”

“Tegoshi? Have something happened?” Masuda’s voice now sounded concerned, worried.

Tegoshi took a deep breath, but it didn’t steady his voice as much as he wished it had. “My mom, she…she passed away this morning.”

“Are you serious?”

Tegoshi sobbed loudly and felt how the tears ran down his cheeks with increasing speed. “Why is everyone leaving me?” His voice was thin and shaky, as if he didn’t have any powers left at all.

“I’ll come. You’re at home, right?”

Tegoshi sobbed. “Yes…”

“I’ll be there soon, just wait for me.”

“…What?”

“I’m coming. I won’t leave you alone, so don’t do anything stupid. Just wait for me.”

Tegoshi took the phone from his ear. Was Masuda coming here? Was he really coming? Tegoshi barely believed it, but his heart felt lighter just from the thought of having Masuda close at this moment. He wasn’t sure about how much time it took for Masuda to get there, but Tegoshi felt the tears falling down his face as fast as he heard the doorbell ringing. He hurried to the door, his heart beating faster than ever when he grabbed the door handle. He was barely able to see Masuda when he opened the door, before the man had thrown his arms around him, holding him tightly. Tegoshi buried his face in Masuda’s jacket, let the tears fall freely. It felt so good to have someone there, someone that held him, someone that cared.

“I’m so sorry…for running off like that yesterday…”

Tegoshi shook his head. Honestly, that didn’t matter at the moment. What mattered was that Masuda was there with him now, making his world brighter.

“I was a chicken. I was running away instead of facing my feelings properly.”

Tegoshi shook his head. “I can understand that you became shocked, it all came so suddenly after all.”

Masuda loosened his grip and looked Tegoshi in the eyes, tears sparkling in his own. “I should have become happy. I should have become happy, since I’ve loved you for a long time as well.”

Tegoshi just stared at him. “What?”

Masuda wiped away some tears. “I love you. But I suddenly got scared when you liked me too, because there’s always a risk that it won’t work out, right? I don’t want to lose you, you’re way too important to me.”

Tegoshi just stared, not quite aware of this thing that actually happened. “Massu, are you…are you serious?”

Masuda hit his head lightly. “Idiot, of course I’m serious.”

“Really?”

Masuda nodded.

“Really, really?” Masuda answered by pressing his lips against Tegoshi’s, soft and tender. Tegoshi had stopped himself from even dreaming about these lips, and the real thing was so much better than any dream anyway. Masuda pulled away and looked at Tegoshi with a smile on his lips. “Do you believe me now?”

Tegoshi nodded. “Do you believe me when I say that I won’t leave you?”

Tegoshi nodded again, sobbing softly. Masuda embraced him tightly, caressed his hair. “When knowing that, just let it all out. I won’t go anywhere, so just cry, scream, or hit me. Whatever that makes you feel better.”

Tegoshi sobbed. “I want Massu to hold me.”

Masuda kissed his temple. “Then I won’t let go.”

“I want Massu to sleep beside me in my bed and hold my hand until I wake up.”

“Then I will.”

“I want Massu to kiss me when I wake up and cook me breakfast."

“Of course I’ll do that, you don’t even have to ask.”

Tegoshi dig his nails into Masuda’s jacket and sobbed. “Sorry for being selfish.”

Masuda patted his head and tightened his grip. “It’s okay.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

Okay, finally some FLUFF in this fic :DDDD I like writing angst, but nothing beats fluff after all <3333

And since its Pi’s birthday today, I decided to sorta celebrate by making curry for dinner! It became quite delicious actually, I totally understand Pi’s curry-love XD

Yeah! Hope you liked the chap! Thanks for reading ^.^<333