Christmas, 2014
Several old LJ friends have talked about coming back here to blog again. I keep thinking that it would be very good for me to do this again. But somehow it just seems easier to...not do that.
My dad had a heart attack yesterday. It was really hugely scary. My parents live three doors down from the girls and me and they are our rocks. They support us in everything. My dad is my handyman and answers all my questions about breakers and thermostats and toilets. My mom is my emotional support and will come down to my house and sit on my front steps to cry with me at 1am. They both watch my kids and shuttle them around and come to nearly every game, meet, show, event in their lives. I really, honestly do not know what I would do without them and it is TERRIFYING to think of losing them. We did almost lose my dad yesterday.
He was digging holes in my back yard with a post hole digger he had rented yesterday morning. My parents gave me a fence for my birthday. Big gift, right? They actually own the house I am living in. I rent it from them. We have needed a fence for the dogs for a long time, but I kept using the money they would give me for gifts to like...pay my bills. So instead of money, they offered to fence a small part of my huge yard for my dogs. I thought dad would hire someone to do the hard work. He is 68 and retired now, so...yeah. Anyway, he dug all these holes. I arrived home from picking Zoe up from gymnastics just as he finished and was walking this giant piece of machinary back to his truck to take it back to Home Depot. I talked to him for a few minutes. He said it had worn him out and he was going to go back to the house and rest awhile after returning the post hold digger. I thought it odd that he was so tired. He just never says things like that.
About an hour later, Zoe and Luci left to walk to the corner store and get drinks. I heard sirens, but paid no attention since we live half a mile from the fire station and I hear them all the time. The girls came tearing back in the house about then, screaming that the ambulance had turned on our street and was going to Grandma and Pop-pops house. We started running down there, all three of us. I knew immediately who it was going to be. Dad just is...never tired.
He had apparently gotten home, gone up to his room to rest, and called down to my mom a few minutes later to say "I don't want to scare you, but I think you should call 911." She did. He was having chest pressure, weakness, nausea and a little pain. The paramedics did some kind of EKG right there and said they saw nothing wrong, but would take him in. They took off with reassurances all around that he probably had pulled a muscle or was having reflux or something. I tried not to worry as they left. About 20 minutes later, my mom called to say she was in the ER and dad had gone into cardiac arrest in the ambulance. They had to do compressions and shock him to get him back. She said they were heading to the cath lab and would call me back later. I left the kids with my grandmother (who lives with my parents) and headed to the hospital. When I got there, my sister was there too. Mom told me that on the way to the cath lab dad had coded again. They had to do compressions and shock him again. He was not in the cath lab for as long as I would have expected, given what had happened. They found the blockage (the artery on the front of his heart was almost completely blocked), put in a stint, and he is doing ok now. He is cheeful and laughing about his sore ribs and how weird it is to be on the other side of all the hospital stuff they do with my two grandmothers lately. We just keep telling him how incredibly grateful we are that he told mom to call 911 and was not his usual, "I don't need a doctor. I am just fine" self. Because if he had waited even a few more minutes...
It is amazing to see him...alive. And yet, not amazing because how could the world go on without him? I mean seriously? This man is the ONLY man in my life I still trust. The only man I absolutely know loves me. The only man I understand at all. I can't...even. So anyway, I am trying to process this today. Trying to be there for mom, take care of grandma, help my kids process this, too, as he is the main man in their lives as well. Spending a lot of time thinking about how easily and quickly my parents could both just be...gone. And how would I survive? I have to get something in place for this. I need a support network that doesn't revolve around them now, because they will not be here forever. And I am 41 years old. And I need a life. And I need to not rely on my parents for so much anymore. And how mortifying it is to realize just how dependent I really am. And how am I going to fix this? And, DEAR LORD, I would miss him more than I can even think about right now.
My dad had a heart attack yesterday. It was really hugely scary. My parents live three doors down from the girls and me and they are our rocks. They support us in everything. My dad is my handyman and answers all my questions about breakers and thermostats and toilets. My mom is my emotional support and will come down to my house and sit on my front steps to cry with me at 1am. They both watch my kids and shuttle them around and come to nearly every game, meet, show, event in their lives. I really, honestly do not know what I would do without them and it is TERRIFYING to think of losing them. We did almost lose my dad yesterday.
He was digging holes in my back yard with a post hole digger he had rented yesterday morning. My parents gave me a fence for my birthday. Big gift, right? They actually own the house I am living in. I rent it from them. We have needed a fence for the dogs for a long time, but I kept using the money they would give me for gifts to like...pay my bills. So instead of money, they offered to fence a small part of my huge yard for my dogs. I thought dad would hire someone to do the hard work. He is 68 and retired now, so...yeah. Anyway, he dug all these holes. I arrived home from picking Zoe up from gymnastics just as he finished and was walking this giant piece of machinary back to his truck to take it back to Home Depot. I talked to him for a few minutes. He said it had worn him out and he was going to go back to the house and rest awhile after returning the post hold digger. I thought it odd that he was so tired. He just never says things like that.
About an hour later, Zoe and Luci left to walk to the corner store and get drinks. I heard sirens, but paid no attention since we live half a mile from the fire station and I hear them all the time. The girls came tearing back in the house about then, screaming that the ambulance had turned on our street and was going to Grandma and Pop-pops house. We started running down there, all three of us. I knew immediately who it was going to be. Dad just is...never tired.
He had apparently gotten home, gone up to his room to rest, and called down to my mom a few minutes later to say "I don't want to scare you, but I think you should call 911." She did. He was having chest pressure, weakness, nausea and a little pain. The paramedics did some kind of EKG right there and said they saw nothing wrong, but would take him in. They took off with reassurances all around that he probably had pulled a muscle or was having reflux or something. I tried not to worry as they left. About 20 minutes later, my mom called to say she was in the ER and dad had gone into cardiac arrest in the ambulance. They had to do compressions and shock him to get him back. She said they were heading to the cath lab and would call me back later. I left the kids with my grandmother (who lives with my parents) and headed to the hospital. When I got there, my sister was there too. Mom told me that on the way to the cath lab dad had coded again. They had to do compressions and shock him again. He was not in the cath lab for as long as I would have expected, given what had happened. They found the blockage (the artery on the front of his heart was almost completely blocked), put in a stint, and he is doing ok now. He is cheeful and laughing about his sore ribs and how weird it is to be on the other side of all the hospital stuff they do with my two grandmothers lately. We just keep telling him how incredibly grateful we are that he told mom to call 911 and was not his usual, "I don't need a doctor. I am just fine" self. Because if he had waited even a few more minutes...
It is amazing to see him...alive. And yet, not amazing because how could the world go on without him? I mean seriously? This man is the ONLY man in my life I still trust. The only man I absolutely know loves me. The only man I understand at all. I can't...even. So anyway, I am trying to process this today. Trying to be there for mom, take care of grandma, help my kids process this, too, as he is the main man in their lives as well. Spending a lot of time thinking about how easily and quickly my parents could both just be...gone. And how would I survive? I have to get something in place for this. I need a support network that doesn't revolve around them now, because they will not be here forever. And I am 41 years old. And I need a life. And I need to not rely on my parents for so much anymore. And how mortifying it is to realize just how dependent I really am. And how am I going to fix this? And, DEAR LORD, I would miss him more than I can even think about right now.