the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
New year’s eve. It was supposed to be such a great day. I had wonderful plans and they failed. I failed. I let things fall apart and it was terrible and I put my sweet little girl in a bad mood. Me and her mother argued and were tense with each other and I just did not do a good job of making a good day, like I planned. And I feel guilty for that. That’s all I can say right now. Still feel too exhausted.
Emotional exhaustion was the problem and 2016 drained me completely. I had no willpower or energy left on the 31st to be kind or fair or filtered and so I said things I should not and was unable to say things I should. But hopefully, I will be forgiven.
The estate will close on the 18th. After that, I will be financially stable for quite awhile and, ostensibly, that will help me feel better about life. There are some issues I have with the closing petitions, but there does not seem to be a way to address that without postponing the entire closure. I am suspicious of things, but cannot afford to postpone. And that’s how lawyers work. So, I just need to move on and get started with the next chapter in my life.
Heat was turned back on in November. Called a repairman a week or two after my last post here. He discovered that the problem was simply a short circuit. I had left the central heating and cooling unit’s fan on for over 24 hours, and at some point, a circuit tripped. Cost me a $65 service visit to fix. That and a $50 space heater. I considered returning that, but whatever.
The guy said he could come back later to inspect my wiring and find out where the short happened and fix that problem, too, but I won’t be able to afford that till end of the month. I was planning on having the house’s wiring inspected anyway. The house was built in 1962 and my grandfather never had anything replaced, just repaired things himself. Some of the outlets are not grounded, and whenever the window air conditioner unit in living room is turned on, while other appliances are running, there is a partial blackout. So, I need to have things inspected and updated, regardless of the HVAC.
Will also have plumbing inspected.
Love life is terrible. Don’t want to share, but part of me needs to get it out of my heart. But it’s just so heavy to even think about, I’d rather try forgetting. Not sure how to be brief.
…I have been semi-dating a woman for two years. We met New Year’s Eve 2014. It was a very passionate meeting and we felt close right away. We were happy and excited for the future, but we had a problem in February and things never recovered. We talked over time, and things have fluctuated between friends, lovers, partners, ambiguous. In September of 2016, we took a 6-week break. We came back and she said things were better for her. We mutually suggested that we take things slower, one day at a time and just start over. Build a new connection and see what happens.
Maybe we end up together, maybe not.
December 8 rolls around and we have sex one morning and she starts asking me questions. Eventually, it comes out that she has been developing strong feelings for another man. Now, I knew she was poly, and that was fine, but I had been living these past two years, and especially since October 2016, under the impression her plan was to explore polyamory together.
We would seek other partners together, when we felt a need. I have been learning about poly relationships and wanted to learn more. She is new as well, but more experienced than me, and more interested. So, I knew she had had other sexual partners the past two years, and I was fine with that, but since October, she has not mentioned anyone new.
That was the problem. She had never told me she was serious with other people. She is now telling me she knows this guy and he makes her feel so free and comfortable and she can relate to him far easier than she can to me and they are thinking of moving in together. This was first I had heard of it. I knew he was her friend, but she told me he was living with a woman and their kids.
And on top of this bombshell of moving in with someone I had no idea she was even dating, she tells me she has not viewed me as a partner. Not recently and not since February 2015. She said if I thought otherwise, it was a misunderstanding. And so, that hurt, but that week, I had been planning to ask her if we should movie in together so I could help her with her kids and other things.
So, yeah. I never get that idea out in the open cos she tells me how great her relationship is with this other guy and how they are talking about moving forward in a more committed way. She also tells me she has another partner who is just as good for her emotionally, and they have been having sex awhile, too.
I learn all of this on December 8 and 9 and things have just spiraled down from there. It is not the sex or multiple partners, but how dishonest my friend has been. Whether she saw me as a primary partner, a secondary, an equal, or just a friend, she should have told me about these men earlier. We specifically said we’d be more forthcoming and more honest and she did not do that.
She kept her feelings about me inside and she kept her interactions with other people secret, too. She said she wanted to tell me sooner, but never felt able because I am hard to talk to. And so I have tried dealing with that as best I can, but with my mother being gone, and school, and running out of money, and not really having any other friends in MI, I was very stressed this winter and she was not helping at all.
And so I got exhausted and just lost all of my will to do anything.
I tried to cope and made an effort to meet her partners, and things were ok at first, but then other things happened that are private and I just fell down and have not been able to get up.
I went to her house on new year’s eve to celebrate the anniversary of our meeting. It is special to me and her daughter and we were looking forward to it, but things just never got going in a positive way. My friend wanted to invite her partners over so she could have a community experience, but me and her daughter convinced her it should just be us. She reluctantly agreed.
This was a bad sign, but I thought it would be ok. On the day, however, there was tension and resentment and her daughter was feeling it and she started closing off and I felt terrible.
I asked to leave early, it was around 3, but her daughter looked so hurt. She wanted me to stay for the ball drop. But I couldn’t. I tried, but couldn’t. I snuck out around 830.
My friend was putting her younger daughter to bed; the older was playing video games. I walked to the couch and said, “I love you”, but she didn’t reply. Not sure if she didn’t hear me or what, but I just went to hall closet, got my coat and left without saying goodbye. I felt horrible as I drove away, and considered going back, but just kept going.
Her daughter has not answered my texts or calls and the friend has agreed to let me take some time away so I can recharge and process all the things that have been said and done since December 8. I just need to time to deal with all the things I feel she did wrong to me, and for the things I know I did wrong. I hope her daughter forgives me cos I see her as my step daughter and I know I have hurt her by leaving that way, but I hope she can understand why I did it.
Anyway. That’s the short version.
It’s 1052 AM on a cold, cloudy Wednesday. I am in a three-bedroom house all alone with no one to call and no one to visit. It’s been this way since August. Everyday the same, everyday feeling like I am in prison.
Emotional exhaustion was the problem and 2016 drained me completely. I had no willpower or energy left on the 31st to be kind or fair or filtered and so I said things I should not and was unable to say things I should. But hopefully, I will be forgiven.
The estate will close on the 18th. After that, I will be financially stable for quite awhile and, ostensibly, that will help me feel better about life. There are some issues I have with the closing petitions, but there does not seem to be a way to address that without postponing the entire closure. I am suspicious of things, but cannot afford to postpone. And that’s how lawyers work. So, I just need to move on and get started with the next chapter in my life.
Heat was turned back on in November. Called a repairman a week or two after my last post here. He discovered that the problem was simply a short circuit. I had left the central heating and cooling unit’s fan on for over 24 hours, and at some point, a circuit tripped. Cost me a $65 service visit to fix. That and a $50 space heater. I considered returning that, but whatever.
The guy said he could come back later to inspect my wiring and find out where the short happened and fix that problem, too, but I won’t be able to afford that till end of the month. I was planning on having the house’s wiring inspected anyway. The house was built in 1962 and my grandfather never had anything replaced, just repaired things himself. Some of the outlets are not grounded, and whenever the window air conditioner unit in living room is turned on, while other appliances are running, there is a partial blackout. So, I need to have things inspected and updated, regardless of the HVAC.
Will also have plumbing inspected.
Love life is terrible. Don’t want to share, but part of me needs to get it out of my heart. But it’s just so heavy to even think about, I’d rather try forgetting. Not sure how to be brief.
…I have been semi-dating a woman for two years. We met New Year’s Eve 2014. It was a very passionate meeting and we felt close right away. We were happy and excited for the future, but we had a problem in February and things never recovered. We talked over time, and things have fluctuated between friends, lovers, partners, ambiguous. In September of 2016, we took a 6-week break. We came back and she said things were better for her. We mutually suggested that we take things slower, one day at a time and just start over. Build a new connection and see what happens.
Maybe we end up together, maybe not.
December 8 rolls around and we have sex one morning and she starts asking me questions. Eventually, it comes out that she has been developing strong feelings for another man. Now, I knew she was poly, and that was fine, but I had been living these past two years, and especially since October 2016, under the impression her plan was to explore polyamory together.
We would seek other partners together, when we felt a need. I have been learning about poly relationships and wanted to learn more. She is new as well, but more experienced than me, and more interested. So, I knew she had had other sexual partners the past two years, and I was fine with that, but since October, she has not mentioned anyone new.
That was the problem. She had never told me she was serious with other people. She is now telling me she knows this guy and he makes her feel so free and comfortable and she can relate to him far easier than she can to me and they are thinking of moving in together. This was first I had heard of it. I knew he was her friend, but she told me he was living with a woman and their kids.
And on top of this bombshell of moving in with someone I had no idea she was even dating, she tells me she has not viewed me as a partner. Not recently and not since February 2015. She said if I thought otherwise, it was a misunderstanding. And so, that hurt, but that week, I had been planning to ask her if we should movie in together so I could help her with her kids and other things.
So, yeah. I never get that idea out in the open cos she tells me how great her relationship is with this other guy and how they are talking about moving forward in a more committed way. She also tells me she has another partner who is just as good for her emotionally, and they have been having sex awhile, too.
I learn all of this on December 8 and 9 and things have just spiraled down from there. It is not the sex or multiple partners, but how dishonest my friend has been. Whether she saw me as a primary partner, a secondary, an equal, or just a friend, she should have told me about these men earlier. We specifically said we’d be more forthcoming and more honest and she did not do that.
She kept her feelings about me inside and she kept her interactions with other people secret, too. She said she wanted to tell me sooner, but never felt able because I am hard to talk to. And so I have tried dealing with that as best I can, but with my mother being gone, and school, and running out of money, and not really having any other friends in MI, I was very stressed this winter and she was not helping at all.
And so I got exhausted and just lost all of my will to do anything.
I tried to cope and made an effort to meet her partners, and things were ok at first, but then other things happened that are private and I just fell down and have not been able to get up.
I went to her house on new year’s eve to celebrate the anniversary of our meeting. It is special to me and her daughter and we were looking forward to it, but things just never got going in a positive way. My friend wanted to invite her partners over so she could have a community experience, but me and her daughter convinced her it should just be us. She reluctantly agreed.
This was a bad sign, but I thought it would be ok. On the day, however, there was tension and resentment and her daughter was feeling it and she started closing off and I felt terrible.
I asked to leave early, it was around 3, but her daughter looked so hurt. She wanted me to stay for the ball drop. But I couldn’t. I tried, but couldn’t. I snuck out around 830.
My friend was putting her younger daughter to bed; the older was playing video games. I walked to the couch and said, “I love you”, but she didn’t reply. Not sure if she didn’t hear me or what, but I just went to hall closet, got my coat and left without saying goodbye. I felt horrible as I drove away, and considered going back, but just kept going.
Her daughter has not answered my texts or calls and the friend has agreed to let me take some time away so I can recharge and process all the things that have been said and done since December 8. I just need to time to deal with all the things I feel she did wrong to me, and for the things I know I did wrong. I hope her daughter forgives me cos I see her as my step daughter and I know I have hurt her by leaving that way, but I hope she can understand why I did it.
Anyway. That’s the short version.
It’s 1052 AM on a cold, cloudy Wednesday. I am in a three-bedroom house all alone with no one to call and no one to visit. It’s been this way since August. Everyday the same, everyday feeling like I am in prison.