I know I love you, so what am I so afraid of?
1. My mother died on October 7. She had cancer. It had been in remission for a while, came back in August and she was fed up with the chemo and stuff, so just accepted it and went on hospice care on Labor Day. I saw her a week before she died. She was very weak and tired, so not really talkative.
The memorial service was on the 15th. I didn’t particularly want to go for various reasons, but went and was glad I did. I saw a lot of family members I rarely see, many I had not seen since 2010, at my maternal grandmother’s funeral. Most notably was my niece, Meiah. I saw her briefly in 2010 at that funeral, but we basically just said hi. She had not seen me since 1999, when she was 6. Now, she’s 23, has a young son, and is about to graduate university with a degree in criminal justice. She was a sweet little girl, and I used to be quite worried about her for various reasons, so I was very happy to see her doing so well.
I also learned I have a secret niece.
It’s a long story, but basically, one of my brothers has 4 daughters by 4 different women. Meiah is his oldest. The daughter we all thought was his second child is actually his third cos he had a secret daughter he never told anyone about. Apparently, he did tell our mother a long time ago, or she found out accidentally somehow, but the rest of the family did not know until 2009, and I did not find out till October 15, 2016 at my mother’s memorial.
She’s 21 and has become best friends with her half-sister, Meiah. Meiah’s mom says they met about 10 years ago and have been getting to know each other since. They decided to attend the same college together and are roommates off campus. It was such a weird, happy thing to discover. She’s very sweet, too. Said she was so glad to meet me and gave me her number.
Oh, I found out Meiah’s mom, Janine, lives about 2 miles from me. She and my mother have stayed close despite all the nonsense my brother put Janine thru, but no one ever told me she lived so close to my grandfather and I have lived here since 2013! She gave me her number, too, and said we should hang out soon. I hope we do cos I’d love to catch up and find out how her family is doing.
But back to my mother, we never got along. She was just not emotionally available to put it kindly. She was a parent, not a mother. But once I learned she had cancer, I had been trying to leave the past behind me and be nicer to her. I am not overly sad she has died, but it still feels strange. She’s gone, my father is gone, and my grandfather is gone. I’ve never been a part of a family that was close, we just weren’t the kind of people you see on TV. I always felt bad about that, wish there had been more stories and more nurturing. But life goes on. Apparently.
2. The date I went on last month was great, but the aftermath was terrible. We went on a walk, drank homemade hot chocolate, and talked about lots of things. It ended with a hug and a kiss on the neck. Within four days, however, she was telling me she was no longer interested in talking to me. I have not heard from her in over a month and have no idea what went wrong. I literally did nothing except send an email saying I looked forward to the next date.
But my dating life has always been shit, so I am trying not to care too much. I want to know what happened, but it's not a pressing need. I've wanted to call her despite her never replying to my last email begging for a conversation, but each day that passes where I don't call, I feel less longing for the call.
3. It is 47 degrees inside my house. The central heating and air stopped working in June. I did not have enough money for a repairman so planned to call when I got inheritance money. I was under impression I would have that money by end of September, at latest by end of October, but no. Now the estate lawyer says by Thanksgiving, if the judge signs off on the request to close estate.
So, it gets into the low 40s at night here, high 50s at day, and I have no heat. The windows are old wooden frames from the 60s and some don’t close properly, and some have cracks in the panes, so it gets really cold in two of the bedrooms, including the one I sleep in. I bought a space heater to hold me over till I can get the heat repaired. I didn’t want to since they run up the electric bill, but I had no choice. I keep it with me in the tv room (large bedroom) then move it to my bedroom when I sleep. I set the timer for 2 hours. When temperatures start falling into 30s, I may set it for longer. When I leave the tv room for the kitchen, it feels like a walk-in freezer in the rest of the house. Been meaning to buy some firewood for fireplace, but have not been in mood.
4. I have $176 that has to last me till November 17 when I get my FAFSA refund. Hopefully, I will get reapproved for food stamps next week and that will help a little bit. I have stopped paying bills until I can afford them again. Not worried about the water and electric b/c I am fairly sure I have at least 5 months before they will be turned off for non-payment. I am two months behind on the cable bill and surprised it has not been turned off. If it does go before Thanksgiving week, I will just have to do online coursework at school. I can sell more stuff on ebay, but don’t really have that much left. I mean as far as things I don’t really care about. I have all the toys I actually want, and it’s silly to sell things I would just buy again when I have disposable income again.
I am looking for a job now since it is imperative. I did not do so back when my school closed down b/c I was counting on the inheritance and did not want to deal with hassle of coordinating a work schedule with school and internship. So, I found a one day a week job at a home day care. It is much different than working at a preschool, but the owner seems nice and competent. She offered to pay me in cash, too, so that’s cool.
I have an interview Thursday the 27 for a job at a preschool. They want afternoon help, so that may work out nicely. We’ll see.
The memorial service was on the 15th. I didn’t particularly want to go for various reasons, but went and was glad I did. I saw a lot of family members I rarely see, many I had not seen since 2010, at my maternal grandmother’s funeral. Most notably was my niece, Meiah. I saw her briefly in 2010 at that funeral, but we basically just said hi. She had not seen me since 1999, when she was 6. Now, she’s 23, has a young son, and is about to graduate university with a degree in criminal justice. She was a sweet little girl, and I used to be quite worried about her for various reasons, so I was very happy to see her doing so well.
I also learned I have a secret niece.
It’s a long story, but basically, one of my brothers has 4 daughters by 4 different women. Meiah is his oldest. The daughter we all thought was his second child is actually his third cos he had a secret daughter he never told anyone about. Apparently, he did tell our mother a long time ago, or she found out accidentally somehow, but the rest of the family did not know until 2009, and I did not find out till October 15, 2016 at my mother’s memorial.
She’s 21 and has become best friends with her half-sister, Meiah. Meiah’s mom says they met about 10 years ago and have been getting to know each other since. They decided to attend the same college together and are roommates off campus. It was such a weird, happy thing to discover. She’s very sweet, too. Said she was so glad to meet me and gave me her number.
Oh, I found out Meiah’s mom, Janine, lives about 2 miles from me. She and my mother have stayed close despite all the nonsense my brother put Janine thru, but no one ever told me she lived so close to my grandfather and I have lived here since 2013! She gave me her number, too, and said we should hang out soon. I hope we do cos I’d love to catch up and find out how her family is doing.
But back to my mother, we never got along. She was just not emotionally available to put it kindly. She was a parent, not a mother. But once I learned she had cancer, I had been trying to leave the past behind me and be nicer to her. I am not overly sad she has died, but it still feels strange. She’s gone, my father is gone, and my grandfather is gone. I’ve never been a part of a family that was close, we just weren’t the kind of people you see on TV. I always felt bad about that, wish there had been more stories and more nurturing. But life goes on. Apparently.
2. The date I went on last month was great, but the aftermath was terrible. We went on a walk, drank homemade hot chocolate, and talked about lots of things. It ended with a hug and a kiss on the neck. Within four days, however, she was telling me she was no longer interested in talking to me. I have not heard from her in over a month and have no idea what went wrong. I literally did nothing except send an email saying I looked forward to the next date.
But my dating life has always been shit, so I am trying not to care too much. I want to know what happened, but it's not a pressing need. I've wanted to call her despite her never replying to my last email begging for a conversation, but each day that passes where I don't call, I feel less longing for the call.
3. It is 47 degrees inside my house. The central heating and air stopped working in June. I did not have enough money for a repairman so planned to call when I got inheritance money. I was under impression I would have that money by end of September, at latest by end of October, but no. Now the estate lawyer says by Thanksgiving, if the judge signs off on the request to close estate.
So, it gets into the low 40s at night here, high 50s at day, and I have no heat. The windows are old wooden frames from the 60s and some don’t close properly, and some have cracks in the panes, so it gets really cold in two of the bedrooms, including the one I sleep in. I bought a space heater to hold me over till I can get the heat repaired. I didn’t want to since they run up the electric bill, but I had no choice. I keep it with me in the tv room (large bedroom) then move it to my bedroom when I sleep. I set the timer for 2 hours. When temperatures start falling into 30s, I may set it for longer. When I leave the tv room for the kitchen, it feels like a walk-in freezer in the rest of the house. Been meaning to buy some firewood for fireplace, but have not been in mood.
4. I have $176 that has to last me till November 17 when I get my FAFSA refund. Hopefully, I will get reapproved for food stamps next week and that will help a little bit. I have stopped paying bills until I can afford them again. Not worried about the water and electric b/c I am fairly sure I have at least 5 months before they will be turned off for non-payment. I am two months behind on the cable bill and surprised it has not been turned off. If it does go before Thanksgiving week, I will just have to do online coursework at school. I can sell more stuff on ebay, but don’t really have that much left. I mean as far as things I don’t really care about. I have all the toys I actually want, and it’s silly to sell things I would just buy again when I have disposable income again.
I am looking for a job now since it is imperative. I did not do so back when my school closed down b/c I was counting on the inheritance and did not want to deal with hassle of coordinating a work schedule with school and internship. So, I found a one day a week job at a home day care. It is much different than working at a preschool, but the owner seems nice and competent. She offered to pay me in cash, too, so that’s cool.
I have an interview Thursday the 27 for a job at a preschool. They want afternoon help, so that may work out nicely. We’ll see.