Another kindred lost.
I just recieved word that an acquaintance died in December.
We had met online and were pen pals. We would talk about our depression, our respective college careers, and random shit. She seemed to be pretty depressed, and I often worried about her. She was nice, and a bit weird, like me, so I liked her.
We only met in person once, back in 2015. I drive to visit her for a weekend. It was fun, but I never got the chance to go back. Just one of those things where free time never matched up with my emotional state.
We didn’t email as much after the visit. I feel guilty about that now. There was a long gap, 2 or three months, maybe more, where neither of us was emailing. Then I reached out in July of last year. I had been dealing with my grandfather’s death, and some romantic issues, so I was pretty reclusive that summer. She said she was happy to hear from me and really needed our connection. I should keep in touch.
I didn’t. It was a month before I replied again, then when she replied, it was another 3 months. She last wrote me in August 2016. I didn’t write back till New Year’s Eve. I had thought about it before that, but just didn’t. No real reason, I just never started typing. When I finally did, I apologized for the lack of messages, let her know what had been going on with me, and asked how she was. I never heard back.
Her father emailed me today. Said he was going thru her email accounts to let her friends know.
Jennifer, my internet friend, killed herself on December 12, 2016. Two weeks before I finally replied to her last email to me, from August 23.
I don’t feel guilty exactly, but I do feel bad that I did not reach out sooner. I knew how lonely she was, I knew how troubled she was with depression and other shit, but I still stuck to my usual patterns and just didn’t interact with her. I just stop talking to people sometimes, and it takes me awhile to get back into the mood of being social.
And I knew she had bad nights just like me, but I still didn’t make more of an effort to be a good friend. And now she’s gone and I can’t help but wonder if she was mad at me. When she didn’t reply to my August email, I thought she might be mad that it took me a month to reply to her July email. Mad, or maybe disappointed, discouraged.
Did she die thinking I didn’t care?
I am sorry, Jennifer. I will miss you.
We had met online and were pen pals. We would talk about our depression, our respective college careers, and random shit. She seemed to be pretty depressed, and I often worried about her. She was nice, and a bit weird, like me, so I liked her.
We only met in person once, back in 2015. I drive to visit her for a weekend. It was fun, but I never got the chance to go back. Just one of those things where free time never matched up with my emotional state.
We didn’t email as much after the visit. I feel guilty about that now. There was a long gap, 2 or three months, maybe more, where neither of us was emailing. Then I reached out in July of last year. I had been dealing with my grandfather’s death, and some romantic issues, so I was pretty reclusive that summer. She said she was happy to hear from me and really needed our connection. I should keep in touch.
I didn’t. It was a month before I replied again, then when she replied, it was another 3 months. She last wrote me in August 2016. I didn’t write back till New Year’s Eve. I had thought about it before that, but just didn’t. No real reason, I just never started typing. When I finally did, I apologized for the lack of messages, let her know what had been going on with me, and asked how she was. I never heard back.
Her father emailed me today. Said he was going thru her email accounts to let her friends know.
Jennifer, my internet friend, killed herself on December 12, 2016. Two weeks before I finally replied to her last email to me, from August 23.
I don’t feel guilty exactly, but I do feel bad that I did not reach out sooner. I knew how lonely she was, I knew how troubled she was with depression and other shit, but I still stuck to my usual patterns and just didn’t interact with her. I just stop talking to people sometimes, and it takes me awhile to get back into the mood of being social.
And I knew she had bad nights just like me, but I still didn’t make more of an effort to be a good friend. And now she’s gone and I can’t help but wonder if she was mad at me. When she didn’t reply to my August email, I thought she might be mad that it took me a month to reply to her July email. Mad, or maybe disappointed, discouraged.
Did she die thinking I didn’t care?
I am sorry, Jennifer. I will miss you.