Part three
Back from the holiday. Here's another installment.
All-Slash TTT:EE, part three of Lord only knows how many. This takes a while, man.
* * *
OUT ON THE PLAINS, NEXT DAY
LEGOLAS: A red sun rises. Our hotness has infected the very sky.
ARAGORN: Aw, quit making crap up, and kiss me.
GIMLI: Count me in!
The Threesome Hunters start to get busy, but are suddenly surprised to find themselves surrounded and leered at by five hundred interested RIDERS.
ARAGORN: Riders of Rohan! You guys get up to anything like this in the Mark?
EOMER: What business is that of yours?
GIMLI: Get down off that horse, macho man, and we'll make it our business.
EOMER hops down, takes off half his armor, and strolls over.
EOMER: I could make use of you, Dwarf, given where your head is in relation to my--
LEGOLAS interrupts by pointing an arrow at EOMER's neck.
LEGOLAS: You take all of us or none of us. Got it?
EOMER looks impressed. The other RIDERS murmur and make requests to be included. ARAGORN pushes down LEGOLAS's arrow (bawm-chicka-bawm-bawm).
ARAGORN: We are very interested in getting to know you better. But we're looking for two smaller friends at the moment. Have you seen them? About the height of Gimli here, so you can imagine how valuable they are to us.
EOMER: I think one of my men saw these creatures. He said they did a most provocative dance before he lost them in the crowd. There may still be a trace of them back there.
ARAGORN: Thanks. We better go look.
EOMER: (nods) I am sorry we did not snag them for you. It would have been a beautiful group in camp tonight if you had all joined us.
LEGOLAS nods and sighs regretfully, putting his arm around GIMLI. EOMER sidles up to the three of them and says in an undertone:
EOMER: Hey, listen--I was just banished, so I don't know where I'm going to be crashing for the next couple days. But when I get a new place, I want you guys to come over for drinks. Bring your halfling friends. Okay?
ARAGORN: Awesome. Here, I'll write down our names for you.
ARAGORN and EOMER exchange contact info in their little black books, then hand them back to each other, wink, and go their separate ways.
FURTHER BACK ON THE PLAINS
GIMLI, LEGOLAS, and ARAGORN are picking through the smoldering trash.
GIMLI: Arr, damn it! They started without us. Look; it's one of their belts!
LEGOLAS: And this looks like a hobbit trouser-button. (bows his head in disappointment)
ARAGORN kicks a helmet in frustration.
ARAGORN: Arrrrgh! Hobbits are such teases!!
GIMLI: We came all this way and they didn't even wait for us.
ARAGORN: (noticing tracks) Wait a second. It might not be too late. A hobbit rolled around on the ground here…with another on top of him…
(Insert numerous flashback sequences of amorous li'l MERRY and PIPPIN tussling happily in the grass.)
ARAGORN: Their hands were bound…then the bonds were bitten off!
(MERRY uses his teeth to free PIPPIN's hands, growling playfully.)
ARAGORN: … And they left a trail of clothing, leading straight into…
GIMLI: Fangorn Forest. You don't mean…
The three stare in amazement at the TREES.
ARAGORN: Yes. They have deserted us for another species.
FANGORN FOREST
PIPPIN and MERRY, their clothes torn and half discarded, tumble up against a tree trunk, kissing and moaning.
PIPPIN: How about here? Shall we do it here?
MERRY: I've got a better idea. Let's climb the tree.
PIPPIN: Oooh…you're so creative!
They scramble up into TREEBEARD's branches and resume what they were doing. TREEBEARD awakens and starts fondling them.
TREEBEARD: Hoooo, my my...
PIPPIN: It's groping me, Merry. The tree is groping me.
TREEBEARD: Tree? I am no tree. I am an Ent. Bet you've never toyed with an Ent before.
MERRY: No. Always wanted to, though.
TREEBEARD: How refreshing. And I thought no one cared for the woods anymore.
MERRY: We care! Honest. And I must say, the way you're squeezing me is quite alluring.
TREEBEARD: Perhaps we should invite the White Wizard to join in.
PIPPIN: Saruman? I don't know; he doesn't sound like my type...
TREEBEARD drops MERRY and PIPPIN onto a cushy bed of leaves at the feet of some WHITE WIZARD. They look up in awe as the WIZARD unravels two small tree-climbing harnesses.
DEAD MARSHES
GOLLUM: See? See? Hobbitses say they want romantic atmosphere, I find it for them!
SAM: Er...are you high? This is a swamp. And it stinks.
GOLLUM: Yes, yes! Much cushier than nasty hard rock in Emyn Muil!
SAM: Oh, I suppose.
SAM and FRODO trudge out into the swamp. Eventually they all sit down to rest. SAM cuddles up to FRODO and tries to distract him by holding lembas between his teeth and feeding it to him. GOLLUM watches in frustration.
GOLLUM: No one feeds usss in erotic way! We starve for love! If Master cares enough, he will let me...
GOLLUM reaches out and tries to grope FRODO.
FRODO: Don't touch me!
A while later, they are all on their feet again, wandering in the general direction of Mordor. SAM looks down into the pond.
SAM: Whoa! There are faces in the water! Rather attractive ones, actually.
GOLLUM: Yes, yes, the sexy dead people. They lure tasty boys and girls down into the water. Very unsafe, sleeping with the sexy dead people.
FRODO, unheeding of this advice, gets mesmerized by a hot ELF in the water.
FRODO: If you squint, he almost looks like Legolas...
FRODO leans down for a kiss, and gets dunked in the swamp instead. GOLLUM pulls him out.
GOLLUM: Silly Master. If you want kiss so much, we will give you one.
GOLLUM puckers up and leans over, but SAM arrives just in time and knocks him out of the way.
SAM: I'll take it from here, thanks. (shudders in squickiness as GOLLUM pouts and trounces away)
DEAD MARSHES, NIGHT
Restless FRODO, finding SAM is asleep, tosses and turns impatiently. Finally he takes a furtive glance around, and takes out his (--word replaced by RING--) and strokes it slowly. He starts breathing harder, his eyes rolling up into his head. Then he (unfortunately) hears GOLLUM doing the same. Gawd, do I really have to write this?
GOLLUM: Sooo hot…sooo naughty…my preciousss.
FRODO tucks everything back where it goes, jumps up, and goes to stop this nastiness.
FRODO: You were *not* fantasizing about us just now. Tell me you weren't.
GOLLUM: Mustn't ask us; not its business.
FRODO: Gandalf told me your life was a slash story. You and a buddy were not so very different from me and Sam, were you…TowelBoy?
GOLLUM: What did you call me?
FRODO: That was your nickname once, wasn't it? In the personal ads?
GOLLUM: (lost in reminiscence) The…ads…
Just then, FLYING NAZGUL appears and kills the mood. SAM wakes up with a start, and seizes the opportunity to drag FRODO into the bushes. While they huddle under there, FRODO starts swooning at the romance of it all, and SAM obliges by taking FRODO's hand and sucking on his fingers.
SAM: That's right, baby. I'm here.
NAZGUL flies away.
GOLLUM: Hurry, hobbits. We know place where lots of men and Orcses in bondage gear can be spied on. Come, come.
All-Slash TTT:EE, part three of Lord only knows how many. This takes a while, man.
* * *
OUT ON THE PLAINS, NEXT DAY
LEGOLAS: A red sun rises. Our hotness has infected the very sky.
ARAGORN: Aw, quit making crap up, and kiss me.
GIMLI: Count me in!
The Threesome Hunters start to get busy, but are suddenly surprised to find themselves surrounded and leered at by five hundred interested RIDERS.
ARAGORN: Riders of Rohan! You guys get up to anything like this in the Mark?
EOMER: What business is that of yours?
GIMLI: Get down off that horse, macho man, and we'll make it our business.
EOMER hops down, takes off half his armor, and strolls over.
EOMER: I could make use of you, Dwarf, given where your head is in relation to my--
LEGOLAS interrupts by pointing an arrow at EOMER's neck.
LEGOLAS: You take all of us or none of us. Got it?
EOMER looks impressed. The other RIDERS murmur and make requests to be included. ARAGORN pushes down LEGOLAS's arrow (bawm-chicka-bawm-bawm).
ARAGORN: We are very interested in getting to know you better. But we're looking for two smaller friends at the moment. Have you seen them? About the height of Gimli here, so you can imagine how valuable they are to us.
EOMER: I think one of my men saw these creatures. He said they did a most provocative dance before he lost them in the crowd. There may still be a trace of them back there.
ARAGORN: Thanks. We better go look.
EOMER: (nods) I am sorry we did not snag them for you. It would have been a beautiful group in camp tonight if you had all joined us.
LEGOLAS nods and sighs regretfully, putting his arm around GIMLI. EOMER sidles up to the three of them and says in an undertone:
EOMER: Hey, listen--I was just banished, so I don't know where I'm going to be crashing for the next couple days. But when I get a new place, I want you guys to come over for drinks. Bring your halfling friends. Okay?
ARAGORN: Awesome. Here, I'll write down our names for you.
ARAGORN and EOMER exchange contact info in their little black books, then hand them back to each other, wink, and go their separate ways.
FURTHER BACK ON THE PLAINS
GIMLI, LEGOLAS, and ARAGORN are picking through the smoldering trash.
GIMLI: Arr, damn it! They started without us. Look; it's one of their belts!
LEGOLAS: And this looks like a hobbit trouser-button. (bows his head in disappointment)
ARAGORN kicks a helmet in frustration.
ARAGORN: Arrrrgh! Hobbits are such teases!!
GIMLI: We came all this way and they didn't even wait for us.
ARAGORN: (noticing tracks) Wait a second. It might not be too late. A hobbit rolled around on the ground here…with another on top of him…
(Insert numerous flashback sequences of amorous li'l MERRY and PIPPIN tussling happily in the grass.)
ARAGORN: Their hands were bound…then the bonds were bitten off!
(MERRY uses his teeth to free PIPPIN's hands, growling playfully.)
ARAGORN: … And they left a trail of clothing, leading straight into…
GIMLI: Fangorn Forest. You don't mean…
The three stare in amazement at the TREES.
ARAGORN: Yes. They have deserted us for another species.
FANGORN FOREST
PIPPIN and MERRY, their clothes torn and half discarded, tumble up against a tree trunk, kissing and moaning.
PIPPIN: How about here? Shall we do it here?
MERRY: I've got a better idea. Let's climb the tree.
PIPPIN: Oooh…you're so creative!
They scramble up into TREEBEARD's branches and resume what they were doing. TREEBEARD awakens and starts fondling them.
TREEBEARD: Hoooo, my my...
PIPPIN: It's groping me, Merry. The tree is groping me.
TREEBEARD: Tree? I am no tree. I am an Ent. Bet you've never toyed with an Ent before.
MERRY: No. Always wanted to, though.
TREEBEARD: How refreshing. And I thought no one cared for the woods anymore.
MERRY: We care! Honest. And I must say, the way you're squeezing me is quite alluring.
TREEBEARD: Perhaps we should invite the White Wizard to join in.
PIPPIN: Saruman? I don't know; he doesn't sound like my type...
TREEBEARD drops MERRY and PIPPIN onto a cushy bed of leaves at the feet of some WHITE WIZARD. They look up in awe as the WIZARD unravels two small tree-climbing harnesses.
DEAD MARSHES
GOLLUM: See? See? Hobbitses say they want romantic atmosphere, I find it for them!
SAM: Er...are you high? This is a swamp. And it stinks.
GOLLUM: Yes, yes! Much cushier than nasty hard rock in Emyn Muil!
SAM: Oh, I suppose.
SAM and FRODO trudge out into the swamp. Eventually they all sit down to rest. SAM cuddles up to FRODO and tries to distract him by holding lembas between his teeth and feeding it to him. GOLLUM watches in frustration.
GOLLUM: No one feeds usss in erotic way! We starve for love! If Master cares enough, he will let me...
GOLLUM reaches out and tries to grope FRODO.
FRODO: Don't touch me!
A while later, they are all on their feet again, wandering in the general direction of Mordor. SAM looks down into the pond.
SAM: Whoa! There are faces in the water! Rather attractive ones, actually.
GOLLUM: Yes, yes, the sexy dead people. They lure tasty boys and girls down into the water. Very unsafe, sleeping with the sexy dead people.
FRODO, unheeding of this advice, gets mesmerized by a hot ELF in the water.
FRODO: If you squint, he almost looks like Legolas...
FRODO leans down for a kiss, and gets dunked in the swamp instead. GOLLUM pulls him out.
GOLLUM: Silly Master. If you want kiss so much, we will give you one.
GOLLUM puckers up and leans over, but SAM arrives just in time and knocks him out of the way.
SAM: I'll take it from here, thanks. (shudders in squickiness as GOLLUM pouts and trounces away)
DEAD MARSHES, NIGHT
Restless FRODO, finding SAM is asleep, tosses and turns impatiently. Finally he takes a furtive glance around, and takes out his (--word replaced by RING--) and strokes it slowly. He starts breathing harder, his eyes rolling up into his head. Then he (unfortunately) hears GOLLUM doing the same. Gawd, do I really have to write this?
GOLLUM: Sooo hot…sooo naughty…my preciousss.
FRODO tucks everything back where it goes, jumps up, and goes to stop this nastiness.
FRODO: You were *not* fantasizing about us just now. Tell me you weren't.
GOLLUM: Mustn't ask us; not its business.
FRODO: Gandalf told me your life was a slash story. You and a buddy were not so very different from me and Sam, were you…TowelBoy?
GOLLUM: What did you call me?
FRODO: That was your nickname once, wasn't it? In the personal ads?
GOLLUM: (lost in reminiscence) The…ads…
Just then, FLYING NAZGUL appears and kills the mood. SAM wakes up with a start, and seizes the opportunity to drag FRODO into the bushes. While they huddle under there, FRODO starts swooning at the romance of it all, and SAM obliges by taking FRODO's hand and sucking on his fingers.
SAM: That's right, baby. I'm here.
NAZGUL flies away.
GOLLUM: Hurry, hobbits. We know place where lots of men and Orcses in bondage gear can be spied on. Come, come.