Second slash-o-rama installment
I like how I actually lose friends when I post these things. :) You know, my userinfo does say that slash is sometimes thrown around on this journal. Can't say you weren't warned. But keep in mind, skeptics: I'm making fun of slash at the same time I'm honoring it, so it's a win-win situation.
If you plan to be offended anyway, then for goodness' sake don't read any further.
***
Picking up our adventures from last entry...
ON THE PLAINS
An unconscious MERRY is draped across the back of an URUK-HAI. PIPPIN, wrapped around the next URUK-HAI, stares at him.
PIPPIN: Psst. Merry. 'Ey, Merry. Wake up. Don't you want to see me with my hands tied?
MERRY continues to sleep. The URUK-HAI troops stop.
GRISHNAKH: I say it's time to undress the Shire-rats.
PIPPIN: Could you undress my friend first? I'd enjoy watching that.
UGLUK: Oh, you would, would you? Bet you'll like this, then.
UGLUK plants a big kiss on MERRY, who is startled enough to wake up and gag.
PIPPIN: Well, now you're just trying to make me jealous.
UGLUK: Blech. You aren't maggoty enough for my tastes. (wanders off)
PIPPIN: Merry!
MERRY: Hello, Pip. Don't worry, I'd still rather kiss you. Though I suppose some mouthwash would be nice first.
PIPPIN: You look sexy tied up like that. Honest.
MERRY: Thank you, my sweet. So do you.
UGLUK: Mmm! I smell man-flesh!
MERRY and PIPPIN look at each other and grin.
PIPPIN: (whispers to MERRY) Aragorn! We haven't done him yet!
MERRY: Drop something so he'll find us!
PIPPIN tears off his cloak pin with his teeth, ripping his shirt in the process and exposing his chest in the process, a la Captain Kirk. He spits the pin onto the ground, and then licks his lips at MERRY, who winks back.
FURTHER BACK ON THE PLAINS
ARAGORN is lying on the ground, attempting a slash pairing with a rock. Or maybe there's another explanation: LEGOLAS glides up and kisses him on the back of the neck.
LEGOLAS: Did we wear you out, big boy?
ARAGORN: (opening his eyes and getting up) No! No. I can go on. Really. Ready when you are.
LEGOLAS: You'll have to catch me first. Come on! You too, Gimli!
Laughing, LEGOLAS takes off like he's at a Sadie Hawkins dance. GIMLI puffs up, winded.
GIMLI: Three days and nights of this. Good lord, that boy has stamina.
ARAGORN: I know. Isn't it fabulous?
ARAGORN runs for a while, but skids to a halt upon finding PIPPIN's pin and part of his shirt.
ARAGORN: Hal-lo! Not idly do hobbits tear their clothes off.
LEGOLAS stops and turns to look.
LEGOLAS: Well, I wouldn't say that. Those two were stripping for everyone.
ARAGORN: But I think perhaps they mean to let us have them, this time. Come! We must run if we're to despoil them before the Uruk-hai do.
GIMLI: A five-way! Faster, my little legs, faster!
ARAGORN: Legolas, what do your bedroom Elf-eyes see?
LEGOLAS: Hmm…over there, we've got Merry and Pippin making out on the back of an Uruk-hai with their arms tied; and over in Isengard there's Saruman watching some wild man do an exotic pole-dance; and past them, in Ithilien, I believe that's a captain of Gondor getting a nude massage from one of his men.
ARAGORN: Wow. You do have good eyes.
LEGOLAS: Yes. So don't ever cheat on me, buddy-boy, 'cause I *will* know.
ISENGARD
SARUMAN dismisses his pole-dancing WILD MAN (cameo by PETER JACKSON), and starts groping the palantir.
SARUMAN: Oh, Sauron, I miss you. When are you coming to visit? My door's always open, you know. Or I'll come to Mordor. Just say the word. Then it's you and me, together forever…what? What's that you say? You want me to kill peasants first, to prove my love for you? Oooh, I love it when you play dirty! Don't you worry, Daddy. I'm on it.
SARUMAN duly sends NASTIES out to kill peasants, and try as I might I couldn't find anything particularly slashy about that. So, moving along to the hot-as-Hades Rohirrim…
FORDS OF ISEN
Studly EOMER, his hair dripping wet in the rain, kneels beside totally foxy THEODRED, who is wounded on the riverbank.
EOMER: My love!
THEODRED: (faint whisper) Eomer. Strip…me…
EOMER: Right away, baby.
EOMER picks him up and carries him off. And for the sake of not wasting the hotness that is THEODRED, we'll say he lived another three hours and had enough strength to get some serious lovin' on with his buddy before dying. I'm sure there are slash writers out there who will back me up on this.
EDORAS
EOWYN is stroking THEODEN's hand. EOMER and GRIMA stand by.
EOWYN: My lord…I'm sorry about your son, but…since we're talking, could I put in a request to bring some pretty girls to this town? It's a lonely place for a femme-slash heroine.
THEODEN: …(mumble)…
EOMER: She's right, you know. I feel for her. Not to mention I find considerable pleasure in the idea of two young women together and would like to watch. Now, that time Grima dressed up as a woman and tried to sneak into her room--well, that really does not count.
GRIMA: Many times have I tried to tell you, Eomer: I thought it was *your* room.
EOMER grabs GRIMA and slams him against the wall.
EOMER: You like that, huh? You like it rough?
GRIMA gets a really disturbing grin on his face.
EOMER: Well, no matter what Saruman said, you don't get me after this little skirmish is over. Understood?
GRIMA: Hmf. Then I'm banishing you. Eat that.
EOMER: But--uncle!
THEODEN: …(mumble)…
EOMER gets dragged away by several muscular guards with roaming hands.
EOWYN: Uncle, you are going to have to show a lot more charisma if you want to get in on this slash groove.
ON THE TRAIL OF THE URUK-HAI
ARAGORN's hair ripples in the wind. GIMLI pants some lines about breathing hard and calls someone a "ho". LEGOLAS says some seductive stuff about whips. I don't have to change much about this scene at all.
URUK-HAI CAMP NEAR FANGORN FOREST
ORC: I'm not going one step further till we've played Spin the Bottle!
The ORCS drop MERRY and PIPPIN and form themselves into a circle. PIPPIN, bondage minx that he is, squirms over to MERRY and nuzzles his neck until he wakes up.
PIPPIN: Merry. Oooh, you in those ropes; I can't get over it…
MERRY: I think we may have to incorporate them into our two-hobbit striptease, Pippin.
The listening TREES start moaning in approval. PIPPIN and MERRY stare at them.
MERRY: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
PIPPIN: That we might be able to find an even more interesting species than Men to play with?
MERRY: Exactly. Let's go for it.
MERRY and PIPPIN start wriggling toward the TREES. But GRISHNAKH grabs them and drags them into the game.
GRISHNAKH: My spin! I want the halflings in the circle!
Suddenly, the RIDERS OF ROHAN burst onto the scene. MERRY and PIPPIN shrug to each other and start making out, with their hands still bound. Horses and riders crash around them without disturbing them, until one RIDER leaps off his horse and tries to join in. PIPPIN yells in surprise, and we jump to the next scene.
***
Well, no, I never said I was proud of myself.
If you plan to be offended anyway, then for goodness' sake don't read any further.
***
Picking up our adventures from last entry...
ON THE PLAINS
An unconscious MERRY is draped across the back of an URUK-HAI. PIPPIN, wrapped around the next URUK-HAI, stares at him.
PIPPIN: Psst. Merry. 'Ey, Merry. Wake up. Don't you want to see me with my hands tied?
MERRY continues to sleep. The URUK-HAI troops stop.
GRISHNAKH: I say it's time to undress the Shire-rats.
PIPPIN: Could you undress my friend first? I'd enjoy watching that.
UGLUK: Oh, you would, would you? Bet you'll like this, then.
UGLUK plants a big kiss on MERRY, who is startled enough to wake up and gag.
PIPPIN: Well, now you're just trying to make me jealous.
UGLUK: Blech. You aren't maggoty enough for my tastes. (wanders off)
PIPPIN: Merry!
MERRY: Hello, Pip. Don't worry, I'd still rather kiss you. Though I suppose some mouthwash would be nice first.
PIPPIN: You look sexy tied up like that. Honest.
MERRY: Thank you, my sweet. So do you.
UGLUK: Mmm! I smell man-flesh!
MERRY and PIPPIN look at each other and grin.
PIPPIN: (whispers to MERRY) Aragorn! We haven't done him yet!
MERRY: Drop something so he'll find us!
PIPPIN tears off his cloak pin with his teeth, ripping his shirt in the process and exposing his chest in the process, a la Captain Kirk. He spits the pin onto the ground, and then licks his lips at MERRY, who winks back.
FURTHER BACK ON THE PLAINS
ARAGORN is lying on the ground, attempting a slash pairing with a rock. Or maybe there's another explanation: LEGOLAS glides up and kisses him on the back of the neck.
LEGOLAS: Did we wear you out, big boy?
ARAGORN: (opening his eyes and getting up) No! No. I can go on. Really. Ready when you are.
LEGOLAS: You'll have to catch me first. Come on! You too, Gimli!
Laughing, LEGOLAS takes off like he's at a Sadie Hawkins dance. GIMLI puffs up, winded.
GIMLI: Three days and nights of this. Good lord, that boy has stamina.
ARAGORN: I know. Isn't it fabulous?
ARAGORN runs for a while, but skids to a halt upon finding PIPPIN's pin and part of his shirt.
ARAGORN: Hal-lo! Not idly do hobbits tear their clothes off.
LEGOLAS stops and turns to look.
LEGOLAS: Well, I wouldn't say that. Those two were stripping for everyone.
ARAGORN: But I think perhaps they mean to let us have them, this time. Come! We must run if we're to despoil them before the Uruk-hai do.
GIMLI: A five-way! Faster, my little legs, faster!
ARAGORN: Legolas, what do your bedroom Elf-eyes see?
LEGOLAS: Hmm…over there, we've got Merry and Pippin making out on the back of an Uruk-hai with their arms tied; and over in Isengard there's Saruman watching some wild man do an exotic pole-dance; and past them, in Ithilien, I believe that's a captain of Gondor getting a nude massage from one of his men.
ARAGORN: Wow. You do have good eyes.
LEGOLAS: Yes. So don't ever cheat on me, buddy-boy, 'cause I *will* know.
ISENGARD
SARUMAN dismisses his pole-dancing WILD MAN (cameo by PETER JACKSON), and starts groping the palantir.
SARUMAN: Oh, Sauron, I miss you. When are you coming to visit? My door's always open, you know. Or I'll come to Mordor. Just say the word. Then it's you and me, together forever…what? What's that you say? You want me to kill peasants first, to prove my love for you? Oooh, I love it when you play dirty! Don't you worry, Daddy. I'm on it.
SARUMAN duly sends NASTIES out to kill peasants, and try as I might I couldn't find anything particularly slashy about that. So, moving along to the hot-as-Hades Rohirrim…
FORDS OF ISEN
Studly EOMER, his hair dripping wet in the rain, kneels beside totally foxy THEODRED, who is wounded on the riverbank.
EOMER: My love!
THEODRED: (faint whisper) Eomer. Strip…me…
EOMER: Right away, baby.
EOMER picks him up and carries him off. And for the sake of not wasting the hotness that is THEODRED, we'll say he lived another three hours and had enough strength to get some serious lovin' on with his buddy before dying. I'm sure there are slash writers out there who will back me up on this.
EDORAS
EOWYN is stroking THEODEN's hand. EOMER and GRIMA stand by.
EOWYN: My lord…I'm sorry about your son, but…since we're talking, could I put in a request to bring some pretty girls to this town? It's a lonely place for a femme-slash heroine.
THEODEN: …(mumble)…
EOMER: She's right, you know. I feel for her. Not to mention I find considerable pleasure in the idea of two young women together and would like to watch. Now, that time Grima dressed up as a woman and tried to sneak into her room--well, that really does not count.
GRIMA: Many times have I tried to tell you, Eomer: I thought it was *your* room.
EOMER grabs GRIMA and slams him against the wall.
EOMER: You like that, huh? You like it rough?
GRIMA gets a really disturbing grin on his face.
EOMER: Well, no matter what Saruman said, you don't get me after this little skirmish is over. Understood?
GRIMA: Hmf. Then I'm banishing you. Eat that.
EOMER: But--uncle!
THEODEN: …(mumble)…
EOMER gets dragged away by several muscular guards with roaming hands.
EOWYN: Uncle, you are going to have to show a lot more charisma if you want to get in on this slash groove.
ON THE TRAIL OF THE URUK-HAI
ARAGORN's hair ripples in the wind. GIMLI pants some lines about breathing hard and calls someone a "ho". LEGOLAS says some seductive stuff about whips. I don't have to change much about this scene at all.
URUK-HAI CAMP NEAR FANGORN FOREST
ORC: I'm not going one step further till we've played Spin the Bottle!
The ORCS drop MERRY and PIPPIN and form themselves into a circle. PIPPIN, bondage minx that he is, squirms over to MERRY and nuzzles his neck until he wakes up.
PIPPIN: Merry. Oooh, you in those ropes; I can't get over it…
MERRY: I think we may have to incorporate them into our two-hobbit striptease, Pippin.
The listening TREES start moaning in approval. PIPPIN and MERRY stare at them.
MERRY: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
PIPPIN: That we might be able to find an even more interesting species than Men to play with?
MERRY: Exactly. Let's go for it.
MERRY and PIPPIN start wriggling toward the TREES. But GRISHNAKH grabs them and drags them into the game.
GRISHNAKH: My spin! I want the halflings in the circle!
Suddenly, the RIDERS OF ROHAN burst onto the scene. MERRY and PIPPIN shrug to each other and start making out, with their hands still bound. Horses and riders crash around them without disturbing them, until one RIDER leaps off his horse and tries to join in. PIPPIN yells in surprise, and we jump to the next scene.
***
Well, no, I never said I was proud of myself.