TTT:EE: All Slash, All the Time...? Maybe?
Oh, Lord. I've begun. Should I bother finishing?
Follows in the style of the All-Slash FOTR. Objective: to look at the entire movie through slash-colored goggles, no matter how painful or how ridiculous such a concept may be. Probably not suitable for children.
The Two Towers, All Slash, All the Time
by Molly J. Ringwraith (aka Molly Winter, LemonLye, etc.)
Disclaimer: Not only do I not own the characters or settings, but I think if pressed I might actually claim in court that I didn't write this.
MOUNTAINS
Sunrise on a beautiful snowy mountain. But soft! We hear voices:
GANDALF: Oh, BAY-bee. Finally, a lover who can live up to the greatness that is me.
FRODO: Gandalf, no! You don't want that kind of loving!
GANDALF: I'll catch up with you boys later. So long!
BRIDGE OF KHAZAD-DUM
BOROMIR is cuddling FRODO, who is looking longingly toward GANDALF. GANDALF leaps on the BALROG, and they hurtle down into the abyss in a fiery embrace.
FRODO: Ewwwww!
GANDALF catches up with the BALROG in mid-air and starts spanking him.
GANDALF: You've been a bad demon, haven't you? Naughty, naughty Flame of Udun! Yeah, you like that, don't you?
The BALROG curls its wings around GANDALF ecstatically. They plunge into a swimming pool, where things are destined to get even kinkier.
EMYN MUIL
FRODO (naked) wakes up with a gasp. SAM (naked) sits up and caresses his shoulder.
SAM: You all right there, hon?
FRODO: (shudder) Good God. Gandalf/Balrog slash. What a horrible way to start a movie.
SAM: Aww. You need comforting?
FRODO: Yeah. Yeah, I do.
FRODO turns around and wraps himself in SAM's embrace.
EMYN MUIL, CLIFF
An exhausted FRODO and SAM are climbing down a rope.
SAM: Can you see the bottom?
FRODO: Looking right at it, sweet thing. Oh, the bottom of the cliff? No…no, I can't.
A box falls out of SAM's pack.
SAM: Eek! Catch it, sir, catch it!
FRODO catches it, and sniffs at it.
FRODO: Why, it smells like grape bubble-gum…aaagh!
Distracted, FRODO loses his grip and falls.
SAM: Sir! Is the box okay?
FRODO: (from below, in the fog) Sure is. Come get it, tiger.
SAM scrambles down and approaches FRODO, who has opened the box and is licking his finger.
FRODO: Flavored body paint? Sam, my dear Sam. When would we have time?
SAM: Well, you never know.
FRODO: True. Oh, don't forget your lovely silky rope.
SAM goes over and tugs on it.
SAM: Would be a crying shame to leave it behind, after all the fun we've had with it.
The rope obligingly flings itself down on top of the hobbits. SAM trips over it, and knocks FRODO down. They find themselves lying on the ground, tangled together. FRODO lifts an eyebrow suggestively at SAM. SAM smiles and pounces him.
EMYN MUIL, YET AGAIN
An even more exhausted FRODO and SAM haul themselves over a rock and collapse for lunch.
FRODO: I can't help but wonder if we're actually lost, or if we're subconsciously delaying our arrival in Mordor on purpose.
SAM: So as to avoid having to die on Mount Doom? Or so we can have more time for cuddling?
FRODO: The latter, dear, clearly. Anything to eat besides body paint?
SAM: Just these magic Elvish cookies. Supposed to be aphrodisiacs.
FRODO: They've been working so far. Give me another. Mm, I'm so hungry, and so thirsty... Sam? You all right?
SAM: Yes--yes, sorry, sir. It's just, the way you drank from that water-flask just now, it was kind of erotically fascinating, if you follow me.
FRODO: Oh, like this? (tilts his head back and licks the nozzle delicately)
SAM: Bloody tease.
SAM pounces FRODO again.
EMYN MUIL. STILL.
FRODO and SAM stagger onto another rock.
FRODO: Not criticizing, dear Sam, but perhaps a map would have been more useful to bring than body paint.
SAM: You can't mean that.
FRODO: No. No, I don't really.
They pause to kiss for another few minutes. Then FRODO's Spidey-sense kicks in, and he looks around in paranoid fashion.
FRODO: Someone's watching us.
SAM: (shrugs) Spyin' on people's natural enough. Can't say I haven't done it. Shall we give 'em a good show?
FRODO: Oh, why not.
FRODO pulls SAM to the ground.
EMYN MUIL, THIS TIME AT NIGHT
GOLLUM is creeping down the cliff face in the moonlight. Below him, FRODO and SAM have formed a writhing, murmuring lump under a blanket.
GOLLUM: They're pervy…pervy little hobbitses…they do it all the time, all day and night, preciousss…and we wantsss it!
GOLLUM reaches for the nearest bare hobbit leg, but our intrepid half-naked heroes are ready: they grab him, wrestle him down, and get Sting pointed at his throat.
FRODO: This is a slash pairing. You've seen one before. Play along, or I'll cut your throat.
GOLLUM gives in, wailing in despair (or is it delight?).
EMYN MUIL, DAY
SAM drags along the tied-up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: They have us all tied up! We are at their mercy! Oooh, bad, naughty hobbitses! What will they do with us next?
SAM: Eck. Mr. Frodo, why did you have to tell him to play along? I'm squicked by this and no mistake.
FRODO: We need his help. He's the nearest thing we've got to a map.
GOLLUM: We play master and servant, yes? We be groveling slaves to nice hobbitses' passions.
SAM: Oh, sure, so we can get into a little bondage three-way and you'll leave us tied up somewhere out here? No thanks.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol will serve Master. Smeagol will wear girly genie costume if Master wants it--Smeagol will do anything!
FRODO: Lead us to Mordor. Then we'll see what I'm in the mood for.
SAM reluctantly takes the rope off GOLLUM and lets him go cavorting ahead.
SAM: So the honeymoon's finally over, is it, sir?
FRODO: Nothing personal, Sam. Just have to get back to business once in a while, you know.
FRODO pauses to give SAM an affectionate pat on the rear before running after GOLLUM.
SAM follows, grumbling to himself:
SAM: Always did want to tease every living creature he met, blasted flirt.
(That's all I've got...for now...)
Follows in the style of the All-Slash FOTR. Objective: to look at the entire movie through slash-colored goggles, no matter how painful or how ridiculous such a concept may be. Probably not suitable for children.
The Two Towers, All Slash, All the Time
by Molly J. Ringwraith (aka Molly Winter, LemonLye, etc.)
Disclaimer: Not only do I not own the characters or settings, but I think if pressed I might actually claim in court that I didn't write this.
MOUNTAINS
Sunrise on a beautiful snowy mountain. But soft! We hear voices:
GANDALF: Oh, BAY-bee. Finally, a lover who can live up to the greatness that is me.
FRODO: Gandalf, no! You don't want that kind of loving!
GANDALF: I'll catch up with you boys later. So long!
BRIDGE OF KHAZAD-DUM
BOROMIR is cuddling FRODO, who is looking longingly toward GANDALF. GANDALF leaps on the BALROG, and they hurtle down into the abyss in a fiery embrace.
FRODO: Ewwwww!
GANDALF catches up with the BALROG in mid-air and starts spanking him.
GANDALF: You've been a bad demon, haven't you? Naughty, naughty Flame of Udun! Yeah, you like that, don't you?
The BALROG curls its wings around GANDALF ecstatically. They plunge into a swimming pool, where things are destined to get even kinkier.
EMYN MUIL
FRODO (naked) wakes up with a gasp. SAM (naked) sits up and caresses his shoulder.
SAM: You all right there, hon?
FRODO: (shudder) Good God. Gandalf/Balrog slash. What a horrible way to start a movie.
SAM: Aww. You need comforting?
FRODO: Yeah. Yeah, I do.
FRODO turns around and wraps himself in SAM's embrace.
EMYN MUIL, CLIFF
An exhausted FRODO and SAM are climbing down a rope.
SAM: Can you see the bottom?
FRODO: Looking right at it, sweet thing. Oh, the bottom of the cliff? No…no, I can't.
A box falls out of SAM's pack.
SAM: Eek! Catch it, sir, catch it!
FRODO catches it, and sniffs at it.
FRODO: Why, it smells like grape bubble-gum…aaagh!
Distracted, FRODO loses his grip and falls.
SAM: Sir! Is the box okay?
FRODO: (from below, in the fog) Sure is. Come get it, tiger.
SAM scrambles down and approaches FRODO, who has opened the box and is licking his finger.
FRODO: Flavored body paint? Sam, my dear Sam. When would we have time?
SAM: Well, you never know.
FRODO: True. Oh, don't forget your lovely silky rope.
SAM goes over and tugs on it.
SAM: Would be a crying shame to leave it behind, after all the fun we've had with it.
The rope obligingly flings itself down on top of the hobbits. SAM trips over it, and knocks FRODO down. They find themselves lying on the ground, tangled together. FRODO lifts an eyebrow suggestively at SAM. SAM smiles and pounces him.
EMYN MUIL, YET AGAIN
An even more exhausted FRODO and SAM haul themselves over a rock and collapse for lunch.
FRODO: I can't help but wonder if we're actually lost, or if we're subconsciously delaying our arrival in Mordor on purpose.
SAM: So as to avoid having to die on Mount Doom? Or so we can have more time for cuddling?
FRODO: The latter, dear, clearly. Anything to eat besides body paint?
SAM: Just these magic Elvish cookies. Supposed to be aphrodisiacs.
FRODO: They've been working so far. Give me another. Mm, I'm so hungry, and so thirsty... Sam? You all right?
SAM: Yes--yes, sorry, sir. It's just, the way you drank from that water-flask just now, it was kind of erotically fascinating, if you follow me.
FRODO: Oh, like this? (tilts his head back and licks the nozzle delicately)
SAM: Bloody tease.
SAM pounces FRODO again.
EMYN MUIL. STILL.
FRODO and SAM stagger onto another rock.
FRODO: Not criticizing, dear Sam, but perhaps a map would have been more useful to bring than body paint.
SAM: You can't mean that.
FRODO: No. No, I don't really.
They pause to kiss for another few minutes. Then FRODO's Spidey-sense kicks in, and he looks around in paranoid fashion.
FRODO: Someone's watching us.
SAM: (shrugs) Spyin' on people's natural enough. Can't say I haven't done it. Shall we give 'em a good show?
FRODO: Oh, why not.
FRODO pulls SAM to the ground.
EMYN MUIL, THIS TIME AT NIGHT
GOLLUM is creeping down the cliff face in the moonlight. Below him, FRODO and SAM have formed a writhing, murmuring lump under a blanket.
GOLLUM: They're pervy…pervy little hobbitses…they do it all the time, all day and night, preciousss…and we wantsss it!
GOLLUM reaches for the nearest bare hobbit leg, but our intrepid half-naked heroes are ready: they grab him, wrestle him down, and get Sting pointed at his throat.
FRODO: This is a slash pairing. You've seen one before. Play along, or I'll cut your throat.
GOLLUM gives in, wailing in despair (or is it delight?).
EMYN MUIL, DAY
SAM drags along the tied-up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: They have us all tied up! We are at their mercy! Oooh, bad, naughty hobbitses! What will they do with us next?
SAM: Eck. Mr. Frodo, why did you have to tell him to play along? I'm squicked by this and no mistake.
FRODO: We need his help. He's the nearest thing we've got to a map.
GOLLUM: We play master and servant, yes? We be groveling slaves to nice hobbitses' passions.
SAM: Oh, sure, so we can get into a little bondage three-way and you'll leave us tied up somewhere out here? No thanks.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol will serve Master. Smeagol will wear girly genie costume if Master wants it--Smeagol will do anything!
FRODO: Lead us to Mordor. Then we'll see what I'm in the mood for.
SAM reluctantly takes the rope off GOLLUM and lets him go cavorting ahead.
SAM: So the honeymoon's finally over, is it, sir?
FRODO: Nothing personal, Sam. Just have to get back to business once in a while, you know.
FRODO pauses to give SAM an affectionate pat on the rear before running after GOLLUM.
SAM follows, grumbling to himself:
SAM: Always did want to tease every living creature he met, blasted flirt.
(That's all I've got...for now...)