when i break down and make a soun you cant hear me
hoday has been a crazy day. the only other day i can remember that is anything remotely close to this was when i was nine years old and i had an anxiety atack before school, so i didnt go. today was like that day plus ten thousand. i woke up witha sunken heart and a weird feeling in my brain. i cried or the the majority of the day. all i want is to be home. i want to be home wiht my daddy. "everythig is ok when you are wiht your daddy." but my daddy cant fix this one. i have to igure ths out on my own. i was 30 seconds rom ending my life.
i took a spiderman bubble bath with weird thoughts in my head. feelings like i couldnt take it any more. that i was totally unhappy. and i went under once. under thehot water and feel the warmth caress my cheeks.. i savored that moment for a moment.. and then when mike left the bath room..i went uner i let the water rise above my mouth. i took a huge breath. the warm water and the bubbles came up around my nose and i just layed there. i felt the pain in my lungs the air forcing to escape out. the change in presure. the force against my ribs. and then it traveled to my face and my fingers . thru my stomach, to my toes. thritymore seconds i thought. thirty more seconds and wouldhave passed out and it would have been over. and then i opened my eyes. and i sat up. i realized in those last serene seconds, that i dont ever want anyone to feel what when i feel lt.
lt and i talked for the first time today in ages. he told me "to hellif i can act like it didnt happen. one day we will talk and cry and iure out all these crazy emotions that we are both feelinf.
needless to say, i have to go to a physcological evaluation tomorrow moring beore anything to deal with this and the anxiety attacks that i have been having. more on how that goes later.
i took a spiderman bubble bath with weird thoughts in my head. feelings like i couldnt take it any more. that i was totally unhappy. and i went under once. under thehot water and feel the warmth caress my cheeks.. i savored that moment for a moment.. and then when mike left the bath room..i went uner i let the water rise above my mouth. i took a huge breath. the warm water and the bubbles came up around my nose and i just layed there. i felt the pain in my lungs the air forcing to escape out. the change in presure. the force against my ribs. and then it traveled to my face and my fingers . thru my stomach, to my toes. thritymore seconds i thought. thirty more seconds and wouldhave passed out and it would have been over. and then i opened my eyes. and i sat up. i realized in those last serene seconds, that i dont ever want anyone to feel what when i feel lt.
lt and i talked for the first time today in ages. he told me "to hellif i can act like it didnt happen. one day we will talk and cry and iure out all these crazy emotions that we are both feelinf.
needless to say, i have to go to a physcological evaluation tomorrow moring beore anything to deal with this and the anxiety attacks that i have been having. more on how that goes later.