my goodbyes
today my mom asked me if i was suicidial. she told paul and MaRanda that she was really worried about me. is it really becomein that obvious that im unhappy in myself, in my life, in everything as a whole? i tried so fervently to hide it all from the world with this masquarade smile, and forced twinkle in my eye. i fell like i have no one left to live for except my dad and ashley mac. to everyone else i seem like i am a disposable friend. it made me cry this morning to realize that my painwas breaking through the facade that i built so strongly around it to keep it locked up and hidden inside. my MOM for god sakes realized that for a few moments i have contemplated ended it all.. all the misery, the unhappiness, the lonelyness, the being the disappointer, unachiever.. it would be so easy to law back and swallow.. to eat all 30 of the wafers.. to drink.. and jump.. to just law backa nd let the water run over my face until it was all covered. its seems like even pills dont make it better.
anxiety attaks have been coming more often. i feel my chest tighten, and my body go numb, for a few moments ti think think i may die.. eventually, after i take a few deep breathes it all seems to go away.. but then i come down and i realize that there is still realitivly nothing there for me.. all of the people that i have trusted and loved.. they have issues, and lives all of their own now. and the one person who used to feel for me.. who used to tell me how i did feel... well we all know that he is gone, and i dont just mean geographically.
but it happens and all you can do is take that one more breath and swim on.. lay back fac up and flow with the current. get ahold of my dreams and actually work for them than try and play it off like it doesnt matter. becuase it doesnt.. all of those dreams about being a cariologist.. they arent my dreams anymore... they are what people expect of me.. so that is most likely how i will spend my life.. as some one elses goals for me.. and thats what i have settled for.
so these are my good byes to my life.. to my dreams.. im just going to continue on in the everyday motion of doing what they tell me to do.. because right now, and my whole life, that is all i have none. these are my good byes...
*ShOuT oUtS*
ash mac: you and i can get thru anything.. you are an amazing person and dont see your seld short for anything.. even the man you love.. make sure you are happy for ever first.. YOU come first.. above all.. above LJ... you had so many dreams and were so excited this time last year.. dont let any one take that away from you
ricer: sorry you were so weirded out this weekend.. its the ife that i live right now.. it makes me forget for just a few hour the reality of my situation... and i know its worng and it doesnt really help.. but it makes me escapse for a few hours an its a makin...
anxiety attaks have been coming more often. i feel my chest tighten, and my body go numb, for a few moments ti think think i may die.. eventually, after i take a few deep breathes it all seems to go away.. but then i come down and i realize that there is still realitivly nothing there for me.. all of the people that i have trusted and loved.. they have issues, and lives all of their own now. and the one person who used to feel for me.. who used to tell me how i did feel... well we all know that he is gone, and i dont just mean geographically.
but it happens and all you can do is take that one more breath and swim on.. lay back fac up and flow with the current. get ahold of my dreams and actually work for them than try and play it off like it doesnt matter. becuase it doesnt.. all of those dreams about being a cariologist.. they arent my dreams anymore... they are what people expect of me.. so that is most likely how i will spend my life.. as some one elses goals for me.. and thats what i have settled for.
so these are my good byes to my life.. to my dreams.. im just going to continue on in the everyday motion of doing what they tell me to do.. because right now, and my whole life, that is all i have none. these are my good byes...
*ShOuT oUtS*
ash mac: you and i can get thru anything.. you are an amazing person and dont see your seld short for anything.. even the man you love.. make sure you are happy for ever first.. YOU come first.. above all.. above LJ... you had so many dreams and were so excited this time last year.. dont let any one take that away from you
ricer: sorry you were so weirded out this weekend.. its the ife that i live right now.. it makes me forget for just a few hour the reality of my situation... and i know its worng and it doesnt really help.. but it makes me escapse for a few hours an its a makin...