[update] controlling the light of deserted stars;
THIS IS A DISCLAIMER: Long entry is stupidly long, no I have no intention of using a cut. Forgive my incoherence and potential lapse in tenses I just needed to get this out. /BREAHES
I am officially on leave until the weekend and I will not feel guilty about it.
Miss D (my teammate who handles our leave calendar) left a printout of all the leaves the team has filed since January and after checking it I found out that I've only filed one we are allowed 15. This explains why I feel so wrung out.
I know I've posted previously about being on leave and being stuck at home to recover, but confined to the small space of my bedroom with my entire being focused on getting better so that I can be well enough to drag myself back to the office is not funtiems.
This, however, is personal time. Which is something I have realized I need.
So much has been going on in the last month what with work getting considerably more hectic (I can't even plurkspam about the floor shenanigans anymore wtf) and a bunch of other things (mostly good though, but still, emotionally exhausting) have cropped up as well so taking some time to really unwind properly is a welcome thing.
In summary: All people need personal time, because getting caught up in the work grind is good since this means money and productivity (lol we can see my priorities alright), but personal time means recharging and centering oneself in a way that is completely different from having weekends.
Weekends are usual. Weekends are essential. But sometimes they are not nearly enough.
So now that I have that declaration/disclaimer out of my system:
[1]
It's a little surreal to finally voice it out loud and admit that I haven't performed live in over a year. I think this stems a lot from the fact that for awhile there, I didn't want to talk about how hard it hit me to feel so excited over getting slotted for a solo gig last September 2010 only to hear not a few days later that Mag:net Katipunan (the place I was going to play at) was closing down.
Let's not go into me seeing the shortlist for 7101 Music Nation last November and finding out that I didn't make the cut for the Luzon candidates.
Side Information: For those of you on my flist who aren't Filipino, the Philippines is divided into three major island groups -- Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao. Manila, where I live, is located in Luzon.
I'm okay with all of that now, but for a time I wasn't. I've been talking about it with friends over the last couple of days (something I apparently needed to do in order for it to get out of my system), but I never said a thing about it before because I didn't want to whine about it on a public space.
My middle name is Grace. I would like to think that I always try to live up to it.
But yeah, the thing is, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what it is to want to be a musician and a performer. I admit I haven't done much in terms of my music in the last couple of months and while a lot of that is because work has been kind of insane in terms of internal transitions and changes in schedules, there is also the fact that I've been struggling with... weighing out certain choices.
[2]
There is a lot that goes on in my life that doesn't make it here on LJ because this place is special to me and I want to keep it as free of angst and personal dramu as much as is possible.
I can't help the spillover on Plurk. In fact, I don't mind that I unload there because first and foremost, my account there is locked to the people I add and that ability to filter has helped me get comfortable back in my own skin. It also helps, I think, that I am limited to summing up thoughts in 150 words or less plus the occasional emote. I can be as vague as I want or as flaily as I want because there's no pressure to sound coherent.
Moreover, once whatever it is that I need to say is out, I can forget about it. The timeline on Plurk moves fast. For me, it's not a place for remembering things so much as getting what needs to be noted out the moment the urge strikes.
But I think I can talk about it now.
I was thinking about giving my music up. I know I've said in the entry on how my music is my first love how I can't give this up, but the truth of the matter is, I've been giving some considerable thought to giving up my dream.
I was fourteen when I told myself that my dream career was to travel the world, see new places and meet new people all because of my music; but the world is different twelve years later and sometimes, holding onto a dream is just sheer stubbornness.
I'm twenty-six, and to some people that sounds young but the thing I've been struggling with these last two years is that if I keep on telling myself that 'there is always next year', one year will become two and then three and then where will I be.
Breaking in and finding a market for yourself as a performer and a musician isn't hard. What makes it hard is figuring out how to do that while balancing the responsibilities that you have to deal with in real life.
Those of you who had access to my friendslocked entry over a month ago know that my family had a little scare because we suspect that Mom may have suffered a mild stroke.
She's better now and I'm enrolling her on my healthcard as soon as the registration period comes round again, but something like that has been weighing on me for years now. My parents are not getting any younger, and frankly, neither am I. I'm the eldest of three and if there is anything I've learned its that sometimes, you have to be willing to give up the things that you would like for yourself because the bigger picture is more important.
I passed on the opportunity to dance because I needed to look for work. We need money for the family expenses and right now, with the boys both still in school, I need to step up and take responsibility. Mom can't carry all of us on her own. You need to distribute the load, especially since Dad is in that place where he considers himself too young to retire but he's also too old to be the first preference of a lot of companies.
So when that happened to Mom (on the day I posted about my parents' epic love story to boot), it kind of drove the point home.
I don't have the luxury to actively hunt out gigs. My schedule is shite and my team makes it okay, but I don't have the convenience of a fixed schedule or a job that doesn't take its toll on me. And maybe some other musicians can do that. I salute them and admire them for it. But I know myself and so it's not a matter of telling myself that I can't, because I would if I could. I just know that I cheat myself out of performing really well if my mind is caught up in worrying about family.
But I also know that it's been breaking my mom's heart to see that I haven't been playing. That I've been struggling with resenting the fact that my piano is gone (yes, what is delayed reaction to Typhoon Ketsana's damage to our home) and that is a huge thing for me since I had that thing for twenty-one years.
So it was either bend or break, and I realized that cutting clean from my music sent me into a panic attack (not pretty) akin to the feeling of something inside of me being cleaved into two.
So bend it is.
[3]
It's not just the writing and the composition that hits me in the right place, its also about bringing that music out into the open and sharing it with others. Last year I discovered that performing live on stage was a whole other ballgame compared to the performances I did in the past.
I am not unfamiliar with stepping on a stage. I've spent the better part of my life heavily immersed in the arts: I dance, I've done skits (I tend to fail at these by the by), I grew up having yearly piano recitals and I've performed in Paco Park and was there in the Centennial concert housed in CCP's Little Theatre.
When you think about all of these, it comes to mind that singing live should not be different -- but it is.
So I discovered that given the right kind of situation, actually have stage fright. Performing at Conspiracy Garden Cafe and Ten02 taught me that I had no idea how to interact and relate with an audience filled with people I didn't know. It also taught me that if I want to do what I want to do: I had to learn how to talk to my audience. Fast.
I don't consider myself a spontaneous person. It sounds weird because I've done things in the spur of the moment. But when it comes to performing, I'm used to practicing beforehand; it's like training for a big game or rehearsals before the big show.
Doing gigs requires both of those because as a performer, you have the responsibility of polishing your pieces and getting your act together before you step out under those lights. But in gigs, you can't just play piece after piece after piece. You need to communicate with the people at the venue, win them over, woo them -- especially if they're unfamiliar with who you are.
Fact: I am no good with a crowd because one stranger is fine, but a whole room renders me terrified.
How to address this (and thank you Mag:net for letting me learn this technique): Seek out the people who love you, support you and believe in you. Drag them to whatever event you need and latch onto that chemistry that you have with them. Relax, breathe and be zen. And then project to the max.
[4]
About two weeks ago I was reintroduced to the gorgeous, beautiful flawless awesome of OLIVIA.
I discovered her music a few years back because of the NANA anime hi I love that series okay I have not kept up though because my heart is broken omg why why why, which a friend introduced to me after finding out that I was a musician.
Now I am a novice compared to Ruby underthemoon who is now my source for all things on this gorgeous, awe-inspiring woman, but I love OLIVIA's sound and her presence as a performer. Just last week, I spent some time looking through her vids, getting an idea of her energy and I am just floored.
Tiny person. Humongous stage presence. Call me awed and speechless.
I'm still going through her discography, but I am and have always been especially fond of the inspi' REIRA album. She has the right blend of edge and softness that pretty much sums up the kind of music I wish I were capable of making. I have the softness down pat, but that edge? I am a young grasshopper.
Now out of all the songs in that album, "A Little Pain" is a personal favorite. I have wanted to cover it since forever because it has... something in it that just catches and snags right over my heart.
So I sat down with Rufio (my keyboard, we are officially partners now and so I did him a favor and gave him a name) and plugged myself into the original, studio live versions, as well as an instrumental cover that I managed to dig up online. And then I came up with this:
That's a rough version where I kind of stumble over the lyrics. I recorded it to share with everyone on Plurk, because after Mama Len mienaihoshi suggested I sign up for the Anime Idol competition for last Saturday's Best of Anime 2011 I wanted to ask for help in learning how to sing this song right.
[5]
So the whole point of this update is to recap last weekend.
Thank yous are due to everyone who came to watch me, who cheered for me (God, you guys were really loud you know) when Marybeth and Marcelle called my name (lol contestant #6 hahah what), and to those who who came round back to check on me and keep me calm.
Mags badassbaby gets a special inclusion in the photos because this girl stayed over at my place the evening before and gave me pep talks in the wee hours of the morning.
Fact: I am always so embarrassed to admit that sometimes I need some hand-holding.
Fact: I am also utterly overwhelmed and blessed to have friends who are cool with it. I love you guys, really. A lot. A whole, freaking lot.
[6]
So how was it? It was awesome.
Thank you, Judith for this gorgeous picture. I look pretty asdlfkjh.
I didn't go in to win. I knew that from the very start. I went into the competition because it was an excuse and an opportunity to be on stage again. Because it was a way for me to maybe expand my horizons, and most importantly, because if nothing else, it would be fun.
It was all of these. I know that now that I am done crying out everything that I needed to cry out.
How do I think I did? Good enough.
This wasn't my best performance and I have come to terms with this. I blanked on the first verse and I fumbled over the keys in the latter part.
I've been resisting the urge to beat myself up over this because the truth of the matter is: (a) I didn't get enough rehearsal time in (I filed for leave last week and was denied), (b) I let my stage fright get the better of me, and (c) well, panicking before stepping out there because hahaomgwtf apparently I was the only one performing live and this kind of flustered the stage hands and tech crew yup, in spite of the event flyer saying that performers could opt to bring instruments.
There was no sound check. I should have been clued in when the guy at registration blanked on my question, but in the end it was all good. I am learning new things from this and I'm not letting messing up parts get me down because while I may have stumbled over the parts I ought to have known by heart, the verses I had a hard time learning (covering this song was such a challenge because I do not speak Nihonggo and I did not want to butcher such a beautiful language) were parts that I managed really well.
Also, I also know that I have been on an informal hiatus since last year so I'm not in top form. I will be better though. Opportunities to perform are out there. I just need to find them.
[7]
What makes everything bright and shiny and the kind of hurt that is okay (hence me crying a lot since Saturday) is that people have been so nice and supportive.
I got this message from Zyn mailnosecret the Monday after when we caught up on Gtalk-- Zynster: * v * my friend saw you last saturday....and I quote, in verbatim "Idol ko na si Noey shet"
Zynchan's friend was in the competition too and delivered this awesome rendition of the Evangelion opening theme (hi, that voice, I am just... wow) so to hear this kind of feedback is very humbling, considering how 'not clean' my performance was.
And then there were the two guys who were in the competition with me (the one who won first place and the guy who sang the DRRR!! opening theme) and how they were really sweet, coming up to congratulate me for a great live.
Just. Hearing feedback like that. It makes up for everything really.
So yes, this is post is to say thank you to everyone who came. Also to say thank you to those who didn't but texted and plurked their support. To those who have been bugging me for the video Mags took I haven't seen it because I'm afraid I might nitpick like crazy but I will post it for everyone else. And just... everyone who sent me good vibes. You all rock, ily.
I am officially on leave until the weekend and I will not feel guilty about it.
Miss D (my teammate who handles our leave calendar) left a printout of all the leaves the team has filed since January and after checking it I found out that I've only filed one we are allowed 15. This explains why I feel so wrung out.
I know I've posted previously about being on leave and being stuck at home to recover, but confined to the small space of my bedroom with my entire being focused on getting better so that I can be well enough to drag myself back to the office is not funtiems.
This, however, is personal time. Which is something I have realized I need.
So much has been going on in the last month what with work getting considerably more hectic (I can't even plurkspam about the floor shenanigans anymore wtf) and a bunch of other things (mostly good though, but still, emotionally exhausting) have cropped up as well so taking some time to really unwind properly is a welcome thing.
In summary: All people need personal time, because getting caught up in the work grind is good since this means money and productivity (lol we can see my priorities alright), but personal time means recharging and centering oneself in a way that is completely different from having weekends.
Weekends are usual. Weekends are essential. But sometimes they are not nearly enough.
So now that I have that declaration/disclaimer out of my system:
[1]
It's a little surreal to finally voice it out loud and admit that I haven't performed live in over a year. I think this stems a lot from the fact that for awhile there, I didn't want to talk about how hard it hit me to feel so excited over getting slotted for a solo gig last September 2010 only to hear not a few days later that Mag:net Katipunan (the place I was going to play at) was closing down.
Let's not go into me seeing the shortlist for 7101 Music Nation last November and finding out that I didn't make the cut for the Luzon candidates.
Side Information: For those of you on my flist who aren't Filipino, the Philippines is divided into three major island groups -- Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao. Manila, where I live, is located in Luzon.
I'm okay with all of that now, but for a time I wasn't. I've been talking about it with friends over the last couple of days (something I apparently needed to do in order for it to get out of my system), but I never said a thing about it before because I didn't want to whine about it on a public space.
My middle name is Grace. I would like to think that I always try to live up to it.
But yeah, the thing is, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what it is to want to be a musician and a performer. I admit I haven't done much in terms of my music in the last couple of months and while a lot of that is because work has been kind of insane in terms of internal transitions and changes in schedules, there is also the fact that I've been struggling with... weighing out certain choices.
[2]
There is a lot that goes on in my life that doesn't make it here on LJ because this place is special to me and I want to keep it as free of angst and personal dramu as much as is possible.
I can't help the spillover on Plurk. In fact, I don't mind that I unload there because first and foremost, my account there is locked to the people I add and that ability to filter has helped me get comfortable back in my own skin. It also helps, I think, that I am limited to summing up thoughts in 150 words or less plus the occasional emote. I can be as vague as I want or as flaily as I want because there's no pressure to sound coherent.
Moreover, once whatever it is that I need to say is out, I can forget about it. The timeline on Plurk moves fast. For me, it's not a place for remembering things so much as getting what needs to be noted out the moment the urge strikes.
But I think I can talk about it now.
I was thinking about giving my music up. I know I've said in the entry on how my music is my first love how I can't give this up, but the truth of the matter is, I've been giving some considerable thought to giving up my dream.
I was fourteen when I told myself that my dream career was to travel the world, see new places and meet new people all because of my music; but the world is different twelve years later and sometimes, holding onto a dream is just sheer stubbornness.
I'm twenty-six, and to some people that sounds young but the thing I've been struggling with these last two years is that if I keep on telling myself that 'there is always next year', one year will become two and then three and then where will I be.
Breaking in and finding a market for yourself as a performer and a musician isn't hard. What makes it hard is figuring out how to do that while balancing the responsibilities that you have to deal with in real life.
Those of you who had access to my friendslocked entry over a month ago know that my family had a little scare because we suspect that Mom may have suffered a mild stroke.
She's better now and I'm enrolling her on my healthcard as soon as the registration period comes round again, but something like that has been weighing on me for years now. My parents are not getting any younger, and frankly, neither am I. I'm the eldest of three and if there is anything I've learned its that sometimes, you have to be willing to give up the things that you would like for yourself because the bigger picture is more important.
I passed on the opportunity to dance because I needed to look for work. We need money for the family expenses and right now, with the boys both still in school, I need to step up and take responsibility. Mom can't carry all of us on her own. You need to distribute the load, especially since Dad is in that place where he considers himself too young to retire but he's also too old to be the first preference of a lot of companies.
So when that happened to Mom (on the day I posted about my parents' epic love story to boot), it kind of drove the point home.
I don't have the luxury to actively hunt out gigs. My schedule is shite and my team makes it okay, but I don't have the convenience of a fixed schedule or a job that doesn't take its toll on me. And maybe some other musicians can do that. I salute them and admire them for it. But I know myself and so it's not a matter of telling myself that I can't, because I would if I could. I just know that I cheat myself out of performing really well if my mind is caught up in worrying about family.
But I also know that it's been breaking my mom's heart to see that I haven't been playing. That I've been struggling with resenting the fact that my piano is gone (yes, what is delayed reaction to Typhoon Ketsana's damage to our home) and that is a huge thing for me since I had that thing for twenty-one years.
So it was either bend or break, and I realized that cutting clean from my music sent me into a panic attack (not pretty) akin to the feeling of something inside of me being cleaved into two.
So bend it is.
[3]
It's not just the writing and the composition that hits me in the right place, its also about bringing that music out into the open and sharing it with others. Last year I discovered that performing live on stage was a whole other ballgame compared to the performances I did in the past.
I am not unfamiliar with stepping on a stage. I've spent the better part of my life heavily immersed in the arts: I dance, I've done skits (I tend to fail at these by the by), I grew up having yearly piano recitals and I've performed in Paco Park and was there in the Centennial concert housed in CCP's Little Theatre.
When you think about all of these, it comes to mind that singing live should not be different -- but it is.
So I discovered that given the right kind of situation, actually have stage fright. Performing at Conspiracy Garden Cafe and Ten02 taught me that I had no idea how to interact and relate with an audience filled with people I didn't know. It also taught me that if I want to do what I want to do: I had to learn how to talk to my audience. Fast.
I don't consider myself a spontaneous person. It sounds weird because I've done things in the spur of the moment. But when it comes to performing, I'm used to practicing beforehand; it's like training for a big game or rehearsals before the big show.
Doing gigs requires both of those because as a performer, you have the responsibility of polishing your pieces and getting your act together before you step out under those lights. But in gigs, you can't just play piece after piece after piece. You need to communicate with the people at the venue, win them over, woo them -- especially if they're unfamiliar with who you are.
Fact: I am no good with a crowd because one stranger is fine, but a whole room renders me terrified.
How to address this (and thank you Mag:net for letting me learn this technique): Seek out the people who love you, support you and believe in you. Drag them to whatever event you need and latch onto that chemistry that you have with them. Relax, breathe and be zen. And then project to the max.
[4]
About two weeks ago I was reintroduced to the gorgeous, beautiful flawless awesome of OLIVIA.
I discovered her music a few years back because of the NANA anime hi I love that series okay I have not kept up though because my heart is broken omg why why why, which a friend introduced to me after finding out that I was a musician.
Now I am a novice compared to Ruby underthemoon who is now my source for all things on this gorgeous, awe-inspiring woman, but I love OLIVIA's sound and her presence as a performer. Just last week, I spent some time looking through her vids, getting an idea of her energy and I am just floored.
Tiny person. Humongous stage presence. Call me awed and speechless.
I'm still going through her discography, but I am and have always been especially fond of the inspi' REIRA album. She has the right blend of edge and softness that pretty much sums up the kind of music I wish I were capable of making. I have the softness down pat, but that edge? I am a young grasshopper.
Now out of all the songs in that album, "A Little Pain" is a personal favorite. I have wanted to cover it since forever because it has... something in it that just catches and snags right over my heart.
So I sat down with Rufio (my keyboard, we are officially partners now and so I did him a favor and gave him a name) and plugged myself into the original, studio live versions, as well as an instrumental cover that I managed to dig up online. And then I came up with this:
That's a rough version where I kind of stumble over the lyrics. I recorded it to share with everyone on Plurk, because after Mama Len mienaihoshi suggested I sign up for the Anime Idol competition for last Saturday's Best of Anime 2011 I wanted to ask for help in learning how to sing this song right.
[5]
So the whole point of this update is to recap last weekend.
Thank yous are due to everyone who came to watch me, who cheered for me (God, you guys were really loud you know) when Marybeth and Marcelle called my name (lol contestant #6 hahah what), and to those who who came round back to check on me and keep me calm.
Mags badassbaby gets a special inclusion in the photos because this girl stayed over at my place the evening before and gave me pep talks in the wee hours of the morning.
Fact: I am always so embarrassed to admit that sometimes I need some hand-holding.
Fact: I am also utterly overwhelmed and blessed to have friends who are cool with it. I love you guys, really. A lot. A whole, freaking lot.
[6]
So how was it? It was awesome.
Thank you, Judith for this gorgeous picture. I look pretty asdlfkjh.
I didn't go in to win. I knew that from the very start. I went into the competition because it was an excuse and an opportunity to be on stage again. Because it was a way for me to maybe expand my horizons, and most importantly, because if nothing else, it would be fun.
It was all of these. I know that now that I am done crying out everything that I needed to cry out.
How do I think I did? Good enough.
This wasn't my best performance and I have come to terms with this. I blanked on the first verse and I fumbled over the keys in the latter part.
I've been resisting the urge to beat myself up over this because the truth of the matter is: (a) I didn't get enough rehearsal time in (I filed for leave last week and was denied), (b) I let my stage fright get the better of me, and (c) well, panicking before stepping out there because hahaomgwtf apparently I was the only one performing live and this kind of flustered the stage hands and tech crew yup, in spite of the event flyer saying that performers could opt to bring instruments.
There was no sound check. I should have been clued in when the guy at registration blanked on my question, but in the end it was all good. I am learning new things from this and I'm not letting messing up parts get me down because while I may have stumbled over the parts I ought to have known by heart, the verses I had a hard time learning (covering this song was such a challenge because I do not speak Nihonggo and I did not want to butcher such a beautiful language) were parts that I managed really well.
Also, I also know that I have been on an informal hiatus since last year so I'm not in top form. I will be better though. Opportunities to perform are out there. I just need to find them.
[7]
What makes everything bright and shiny and the kind of hurt that is okay (hence me crying a lot since Saturday) is that people have been so nice and supportive.
I got this message from Zyn mailnosecret the Monday after when we caught up on Gtalk-- Zynster: * v * my friend saw you last saturday....and I quote, in verbatim "Idol ko na si Noey shet"
Zynchan's friend was in the competition too and delivered this awesome rendition of the Evangelion opening theme (hi, that voice, I am just... wow) so to hear this kind of feedback is very humbling, considering how 'not clean' my performance was.
And then there were the two guys who were in the competition with me (the one who won first place and the guy who sang the DRRR!! opening theme) and how they were really sweet, coming up to congratulate me for a great live.
Just. Hearing feedback like that. It makes up for everything really.
So yes, this is post is to say thank you to everyone who came. Also to say thank you to those who didn't but texted and plurked their support. To those who have been bugging me for the video Mags took I haven't seen it because I'm afraid I might nitpick like crazy but I will post it for everyone else. And just... everyone who sent me good vibes. You all rock, ily.