“I want to share my deepest, darkest secrets with a warm body, one who really knows me - not a computer screen.”
skyedragon66 A writer that I admire wrote those words. I was touched by them; as they reached out and slapped me right out of my daze. Do we not all have the desire to share our deepest, darkest secrets with someone we know well? I know that I do have the same desire to whisper my words to another whilst feeling their warm breath upon my skin.
As a child I can not say I ever had a really close friend. I am not sure why that is and honestly that very fact has caused me to lose several moments of peaceful contemplation just working through the entire childhood friendless process. The realization that I have no one I can pull from my past that would know all my secrets is sometimes disconcerting at best.
Way back in 1997, I discovered an outlet where the glass doorway was surrounded by cream-colored plastic. I began to step through this glass doorway every day and I traveled the world, made discoveries and new friendships in faraway places. I found other humans who like me were just beginning to explore what was behind that glass doorway leading into the unknown. I found I could type to someone my deepest, darkest secrets and they would answer me back with some of their own.
My new world was like a fantasyland. I could envision these beings who typed words upon my screen in any shape or form that I wished. I could create my world of perfect souls or throw in a few not so easy to imagine. I would envision them like a painting; I would take their words and mould them into human form. This was my own artistic license at work here, I was in control.
I routinely fell in love and almost as equally out of love all in the same day. I could share parts of myself with this blank screen so sure that I would feel no consequences of my secrets revealed. I could hide behind a pseudo name chosen to reflect just a tiny bit of the character I wanted to create. I began to trust, I began to open up, and I began to rely on the presence that I had discovered.
Ten years of internet savvy goes a long way in providing the ability to decipher human nature at the very best. I have learned to divide and conquer those who are not here for the meaningful, the friendship and the truth. I am able to choose better the trustworthy souls that I type to daily, yet even with all of that I feel emptiness, a dark void where my words once lay on the tips of my fingers.
Then along comes one person who provides a connection, they seem to know what you are going to type before the words are transferred through the ether. How is this possible that all things line up correctly and in just a few short keystrokes the bond is formed? How is it that when the face to face meeting is about to happen, there is an apprehension of expectations. The human I have painted in my mind will suddenly be replaced with real flesh and feeling. At this moment I realize I can never return to hide behind the glass door.
Is this not what I have secretly wished for so many bytes gone by? I finally found the one I want to share my deepest, darkest secrets with. I dream of holding a warm body and feeling the emotions swirl around, to enjoy the whisperings with someone who really knows me.
Not a computer screen.