Genderfluid and Body Dysmorphia
Is this a thing? yeah, it is..
The past 6 months have been a roller coster as I've been getting to know myself on a whole other deep level. I broke my contant with my TF - this is a whole other story in it self. Carmic bonds are torturous some times. And I really need the space. I need the space so I can give myself the love I deserve. I've reevalutated all kind of relationships. And I found a Spectre instead. It's a very odd, long, story. But it's good and we take good care of each other. We're discoballs of fragmented light that have a ton of healing to do on our own, but we work on it together. I was planning solitude to heal, but the best healing isn't done in solitude, it's done together with others.
Other people have come into my life as well, new music, new goals, a move.... it's a lot. But most of all, most importantly of all, is me accepting myself for who I really am.
My mind is atricky place. A lot of things don't make sense in there, and haven't for a long time. Because of trauma I endured back in my childhood. The trauma that made me reject who I am. Anything and everything that was me, was wrong. And so my thoughts and feelings where tucked away. Ever since then I've been trying to be someone else. Someone others will accept, want, love, care for. My relationships don't work out, because I'm not me, I'm trying to be someone I think they want and then I break down, stuggling with myself, and the sense of me that wants to break out and be free. And I end up leaving, because I can't pretend anymore. The love is real, but most of the time, the person they love, isn't. or hasn't been at least.
So I've spent time pulling through my mind, and found fragments of freedom. Exploring the things and I like and why, and forcing myself to be honest with myself, on all leves - especially those that are hard to face.
There are few people I talk about this with. Really talk about it with. but I've started to, and a part of me wants to scream it openly to the world.
See, I'm genderfluid. meaning I don't realy identify as a woman, or female. I honestly don't. I mean, I LOVE my curves, not that I'm as heavy as I am, but I love my curves - because I find them attractive. But there are bodyparts I miss having, and I've always missed them. I feel like I'm not whole because of that. And truth be told I've always felt like that. So in all honesty, I'm not only genderfluid in the sense of pending between feminity and androgynous, but I lean towards being Trans. Now, I have no need to, or want to, make any physical alterfications at this point. I want to keep my curves. I want to keep my body as it is (maaaaaaybe loose a bit of exess fat), but other than that. No. I don't want to go on hormones or do surgeries.
For me, the most important lesson in this is understand why I feel certain things, why my thoughts are the way they are, and why some of my sexual and mental fixations have been what they are. It's a sense of freedom in this. I know that if I had been born in a masculine body, I would most likely have wanted to go on hormones for a while. To change and grow and morph my body in a way that I would end up whole. Or who knows, maybe my level of self-loathing would've been much worse and I would've been a total misogonistic D-bag. that's hard to know. But I understand my thought patterns better now. I understand why I need to disconnect and focus on my self love.
There are days when I feel like I'm in a totally wrong body. I feel uncomfortable in what I wear and how I move. There are days I can't wear clothes that feel in any way, shape, or form, good at all. For so many years I've been trying to be more feminine, embrace that and disconnect everything else. And every time I do, I feel like absolute garbage. Most days I'm just in a neutral mindstate of myself and my body. but the more I accept and embrace my masculinity, the more I find comfort in looking at mens fashion, ordering and buying clothes "made for men", and I feel comfortable in them, much more so than with female fashion. I mean, I have my days when I love wearing dresses, skirts, and all of that, days when I love doing make up and embrace feminity. But, I don't force myself to do that anymore, at all. If I'm not up for it, I'm not and that means I do what I feel comfortable with instead. Though I do have moments when I feel pressure to dress-up all fem-like, because others expect it of me. But I'm slowly working to get past that as well.
It's a strange thing to talk about. But I think it's good to talk about it. I think it's good for my mental health to be open about it.to be honest and share my story, my mind, my thoughts. In all honesty, I haven't changed, I've just become more of who I am. A more honest self. And either others will accept that or not. Either way, as longa s I'm happy with myself, that's all that matters.
MY set pronouns are She and They, and I'm working towards being comfortable with using He as well! Thanks for your cooperation!