Let Me Explain a Few Things
Yeah, I know I haven't posted in a while. I know I'm behind on things I've promised people, things I've promised to do... And I'm sorry.
This is what's been happening lately: I'm having panic attacks over everything. I don't go anywhere anymore, and when I do, it's an absolutely awful experience. I'm scared I'll get low blood sugar, or I'll be too hot, or I won't be able to do everything I need before I freak out again. Everything. I wear pajamas everywhere; you know it's damn serious when I haven't worn a corset in weeks.I take medication, but then I'm so tired I can't function. Everything from the past...God, I don't even know, five years? Has just finally built up and the past few months have been the breaking point.
And I know it's largely my own fault--I just keep taking things on and on because I'm convinced I can handle them, but the fact is that I can't. This is proof, right here. Even I have my limits. This morning, something broke inside me, and I cried. I haven't cried in so long. It hurt, it was so intense. It still hurts. I haven't felt like this since...since that day at the airport. Since I walked away from him. It's just all too much, it's been too much. I just want to wake up one morning and not feel like my chest has caved in. I want to be able to go to the bank and not worry so much about going beforehand that I feel like I've lost my mind.
But right now, sitting here on my balcony, it's not that hot yet, the grass has just been cut, my plants are all in bloom or already bearing fruit. I can place all my hurts before me, and look at them, and acknowledge their place in my life. They're like the Lego set that makes up my everything. There's a Hindu saying that says something to the effect of, "For us to see clearly, the rains must wash everything away." If that's the case, then my soul is having a monsoon right now, and I'll be able to see for miles.
I cut an apple in half this morning and have slowly been eating it. As it's started to turn brown, the shape of a heart showed up. Really. I wish I had my camera, it's...it's really pretty.
This is what's been happening lately: I'm having panic attacks over everything. I don't go anywhere anymore, and when I do, it's an absolutely awful experience. I'm scared I'll get low blood sugar, or I'll be too hot, or I won't be able to do everything I need before I freak out again. Everything. I wear pajamas everywhere; you know it's damn serious when I haven't worn a corset in weeks.I take medication, but then I'm so tired I can't function. Everything from the past...God, I don't even know, five years? Has just finally built up and the past few months have been the breaking point.
And I know it's largely my own fault--I just keep taking things on and on because I'm convinced I can handle them, but the fact is that I can't. This is proof, right here. Even I have my limits. This morning, something broke inside me, and I cried. I haven't cried in so long. It hurt, it was so intense. It still hurts. I haven't felt like this since...since that day at the airport. Since I walked away from him. It's just all too much, it's been too much. I just want to wake up one morning and not feel like my chest has caved in. I want to be able to go to the bank and not worry so much about going beforehand that I feel like I've lost my mind.
But right now, sitting here on my balcony, it's not that hot yet, the grass has just been cut, my plants are all in bloom or already bearing fruit. I can place all my hurts before me, and look at them, and acknowledge their place in my life. They're like the Lego set that makes up my everything. There's a Hindu saying that says something to the effect of, "For us to see clearly, the rains must wash everything away." If that's the case, then my soul is having a monsoon right now, and I'll be able to see for miles.
I cut an apple in half this morning and have slowly been eating it. As it's started to turn brown, the shape of a heart showed up. Really. I wish I had my camera, it's...it's really pretty.