Vignettes: Christmas Edition
On Helping Others:
The other day, I was on my way to do something with Mom, and noticed a chick in front of me had a flat tire. She pulls over, and proceeds to do the typical Helpless Female Hand Flap. I know you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, so I pull over next to her, and before I've even fully extricated myself from the car, her mouth is set at Warp 9, and she sounds like a couple gerbils fucking. I'm not kidding, I thought there were rodents in her mouth having an orgy.
So I finally get all my skirts out of the car, and her mouth stops mid-squeak. Advantage #5,229 to being goth. Ask her to pop her trunk, and lookit that, she's got everything we need. I roll up the sleeves of the Crepe Dress, and proceed to coach Gerbil Mouth on how to use a jack: "No, honey, look put it--no, not there, there. Yeah, really... No, you're going to hurt your car. YOU ARE GOING TO HURT YOUR CAR. Okay, now let it back down a little, that's... Y'know what? Nevermind, just leave it like that. Yeah, really. REALLY." Seriously, why isn't this required to get a driver's license? Or to, y'know, exist in general?
AND THEN out comes the tire iron. Holy fuck, she looked at me like I was going to brain her with it, and personally, I think I deserved to at that point. A little more kindergarten-esque coaching about PUT THE ENDS THAT LOOK THE SAME TOGETHER AND TURN. About this time I figured that there was no point in helping her, so I just sort of backed away (Dear God, she'd started sniffling!), slid into the Spookmobile, and motored away as fast as that poor thing would go.
I'm all for helping others, unless they're just stupid. Stupid people are on their own, otherwise if we help them, we're interfering with natural selection. So next time you see someone playing out in the middle of the street, just go ahead and let them.
On Christmas:
Fuck that. Bring back Halloween.
On Christmas Shopping:
No.
On Christmas Spirit:
Alright, look, I do kinda like the concept of Christmas. True or not, the Christmas story is still a good story, like a fairytale almost. I like the idea of spending time with family, and I like that we're all supposed to be all generous and shit.
Y'know what I don't like? Scented pine cones. What part of picking something up off the forest floor that looks like tree poop and rolling it around in potpourri is supposed to make me think of Baby Jesus? Does the magical smell of pine, old cinnamon, and something mysteriously floral trigger the Generosity Gland? I really doubt it. Most Useless Holiday Accoutrement EVER.
The other day, I was on my way to do something with Mom, and noticed a chick in front of me had a flat tire. She pulls over, and proceeds to do the typical Helpless Female Hand Flap. I know you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, so I pull over next to her, and before I've even fully extricated myself from the car, her mouth is set at Warp 9, and she sounds like a couple gerbils fucking. I'm not kidding, I thought there were rodents in her mouth having an orgy.
So I finally get all my skirts out of the car, and her mouth stops mid-squeak. Advantage #5,229 to being goth. Ask her to pop her trunk, and lookit that, she's got everything we need. I roll up the sleeves of the Crepe Dress, and proceed to coach Gerbil Mouth on how to use a jack: "No, honey, look put it--no, not there, there. Yeah, really... No, you're going to hurt your car. YOU ARE GOING TO HURT YOUR CAR. Okay, now let it back down a little, that's... Y'know what? Nevermind, just leave it like that. Yeah, really. REALLY." Seriously, why isn't this required to get a driver's license? Or to, y'know, exist in general?
AND THEN out comes the tire iron. Holy fuck, she looked at me like I was going to brain her with it, and personally, I think I deserved to at that point. A little more kindergarten-esque coaching about PUT THE ENDS THAT LOOK THE SAME TOGETHER AND TURN. About this time I figured that there was no point in helping her, so I just sort of backed away (Dear God, she'd started sniffling!), slid into the Spookmobile, and motored away as fast as that poor thing would go.
I'm all for helping others, unless they're just stupid. Stupid people are on their own, otherwise if we help them, we're interfering with natural selection. So next time you see someone playing out in the middle of the street, just go ahead and let them.
On Christmas:
Fuck that. Bring back Halloween.
On Christmas Shopping:
No.
On Christmas Spirit:
Alright, look, I do kinda like the concept of Christmas. True or not, the Christmas story is still a good story, like a fairytale almost. I like the idea of spending time with family, and I like that we're all supposed to be all generous and shit.
Y'know what I don't like? Scented pine cones. What part of picking something up off the forest floor that looks like tree poop and rolling it around in potpourri is supposed to make me think of Baby Jesus? Does the magical smell of pine, old cinnamon, and something mysteriously floral trigger the Generosity Gland? I really doubt it. Most Useless Holiday Accoutrement EVER.