More Bitching About New Moon
Short programming note: I'm typing this in a big ass hurry because the weather is shit and I'm cold and I'm ready for vacation and I am trapped because of weather send more booze and cupcakes.
Alrighty, so here's the deal: I took another six pages of notes, and then I gave that shit up. I am not that dedicated, and my hands were cold and GOD, this is the longest movie in existence. That being said, I don't want to write a whole novel with each post, so there's going to be a general wrap-up post following this one.
When we left off, Laurent (LAURENT!) had just shooped his way back into town with his fabulous self, looking all dangerous in his shirtless-suit-and-dreads-combo. And at last, oh happy day, there's some plot! No?
No.
So, considering that Bella is supposed to be keeping all of this righteous secrets or she is gonna get smashed, she is an absolutely terrible liar. Edward: "LIE BETTER OMG YOU SUCK."
Hologram Edward again! I love that see-through bastard. That will never, ever stop cracking my shit up. Ever.
To be fair, the wolves are kinda awesome. Of course, that big ass black wolf gave me flashbacks to the Never Ending Story like whoa. I really was hoping for a lecture about...The Nothing. Why gosh, I wonder what that big red wolf with BIG BROWN EYES is looking at Bella for aDUR.
Oh Lord, then we have this:
Bella: Omfg, is not bear, is WOLF! BIG WOLVES!
Charlie: Wolf? You has a sure?
Harry Clearwater: IS NOT WOLF, TOTES A BEAR!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So then Jacob shows up and scares the bejezus out of Bella, who then proceeds to tell her that he is going to scale the house into her room because NO ONE USES THE FRONT DOOR ANYMORE. And of course, because this is Twilightverse and there are sewper deep things to be said, the music woodles woodlingly while Jacob tries to get Bella to remember the thing about the wolves and the natives.
Jacob: Do you remember the shameless foreshadowing?
Bella: Um...vampires?
Jacob: Oh my god, you are such a dumbfuck.
And then, because Bella hasn't stomped on this poor kid's heart enough, she asks him to run away with her.
Oh, how wonderful, apparently the Forest of Exposition has been replaced with Nightmares of Exposition, sure. Why not.
Bwahahahaha, Jacob's boys look like rejects from Boyband Camp. Srsly, I think I saw them on the Disney Channel once.
Okay, so, a major thing in Eclipse is that Bella hauls off and pops Jacob one (that whole thing is just...ugh), resulting in her broken hand--so why is she okay hitting the random Wolfguy? No hysterics or anything?
And now we get to the part where Jacob is asploding. Huh. That's...that's a guy exploding into a wolf right there. Isn't there like, left over shrapnel? Random hairballs or skin on the ground? Wouldn't someone notice that? "GODDAMMIT YOU GUYS, quit leaving your 'splosion trails in my yard!!" The wolves are fighting and then the CAMERA FALLS OVER BECAUSE IT IS DED FROM TEH DRAMAS.
The whole thing with Emily squicks me out. What, exactly, did she say to Sam to piss him off? That is just way too close to "Look at how you made me hit you, you hoar!" And what exactly hurt her? WAS IT FURRY SPLOSION SHRAPNEL??
Omfg, for real? No one can figure out what Victoria wants? This is Twilight, where everything is about Bella Dumbfuck Swan.
"I'm alright until I'm alone." You're fucking right Bella, because when you get around other people, I can't fucking stand you.
The hunting scene was really confusing. The boys are all out in the woods, and then Victoria shows up and she gives Harry the Vampire Evil Eye of Mild Seduction, and he has a heart attack in response? Idk.
So then Bella Dumbfuck Swan is all alone again, and what does she do? She e-mails Alice again: "I know where I have to go to see him again." STOP WITH THE NOT SUICIDE.
Victoria again! So awesome with her redredred hair.
I'm not going to lie, the underwater scene where Bella sees Edward floating upside down next to her? A little awesome. It looked a lot like something from Across the Universe. That being said, the visuals as whole are a lot better than in Twilight. The scenes are framed nicer, I think is what's going on here. But really, saying it's better than the first movie is like saying getting chicken pox is better than getting the measles.
Y'know what I really fucking hate? When movies feature stupid CPR. This is ridiculous. You do not do chest compressions on someone with a pulse!!!! If she was truly without a pulse and needing chest compressions, then she would not have woken back up. The chances of actually reviving someone with CPR are ridculously small--you're just buying time until someone shows up with some electricity to give the victim a jumpstart. Also, anyone that's ever done CPR for a long time will tell you the following: You will in fact get thrown up on. It's a fact. It's gross.
And then it's all just awesome because Victoria is out in the water like a shark and it's just awesome.
"What if I ever get mad at you?" OMFG, THEN YOU TAKE YOUR ASS OUT TO THE DOG HOUSE WHERE IT BELONGS.
Bwahahahaha, then there's some almost-kissing and it is so effing awkward, and then there's some more meebling about who loves who, UNEXPECTED ALICE IS UNEXPECTED! Yaaaaaay, Alice!
Alice then meebles awesomely about wet dog smells, and then Jacob goes all Hulk with something like, "You won't like me when I'm angry!" and this is the longest movie in history and I just want it to be DONE, I don't even care anymore.
Bella is a bitch, again, surprisingly, despite the fact that Jacob Pectorals Black has been busy putting Bella Dumbfuck Humpty Dumpty Emo Whining Codependent Swan back together for months and months, and then she hauls off and tells him to essentially GTFO.
More almost-kissing, Unexpected phone is unexpected! Then Edward is randomly shown in some dive in South America (God I hope he got laid), and then he smashes his phone because he is overwrought...probaby ran out of hooch.
Which brings me to this: If he's in South America, how the fuck does he get to Italy faster? I am just baffled by that. How the fuck did any of them get to Italy that fast? I want to go to the airports they use, because I am here to tell you, it is delays from one tarmac to the other here. If you want to get up and pee, there's a fucking delay. Forget the peanuts and Coke, that shit got delayed too.
Jacob: "Little woman stay with big wolf man! I protect for many moons!"
Alice: 0_o
Ohhh, Virgin Airlines, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR HAR HAR HAR. Does this mean that Edward flew in on PanAssholes?
And boy, there they go with the subtle symbolism again--Edward's got a tear in his shirt right over his heart! Gosh! I wonder what it means!
I am going to be totally honest: I want to have Michael Dotty Old Fablous Sheen Vampire's sparkly mutant babies. I do.
Edward, in addition to not being able to change his shirt (I guess vamps don't sweat? Or he just smells really icky.), has also apparently ran out of spare change for more raspberry Bonne Bell.
Alice is just adorable again with her red leather driving gloves. I like how they pull up, Bella jumps out, and you can just tell that Alice is thinking, "DON'T BE BELLA DUMBFUCK ADORAKLUTZ MOTHERFUCKING SWAN FOR TWO GODDAMN MINUTES. We are so fooked."
Noon? Really? Is this going to be a shoot out? Will there be really bizarre close ups of Clint Eastwood's mouth and eyes? And do they not take into account daylight savings time? Because noon doesn't necessarily mean the sun will be over head, and especially with those tall ass buildings, there will be some definite shadows going on.
So then Bella is moshing her way through the Red Robe Mosh Pit of Doom, while Edward gives the most emotastic striptease ever, because he can't just take his goddamn torn shirt off. This...there's...holy cupcakes, there is more meebling about goddamn suicide and how much love there is. LOVE IS NOT SUICIDE JESUS CHRIST WITH PUDDING ON A UNICYCLE.
"I'm nothing!" No, you're not! You suck and I hope you jump off a cliff for real I am so fucking sick of ALL OF YOU and ALL OF YOUR DRAMA THAT YOU YOURSELF CAUSE.
And then the vamp enforcers show up, and Alice comes prancing in from a side door, and everyone's going to rumble like a bad '50s gang, and then Jane shows up. Dakota Fanning is actually mildly hot, I'll be damned. She should wear outrageous eyeliner and black more often.
Then there's some meebling from the Head Vamps Who Wear Velour, and then Jane mind-tasers Edward, and she can't mind-taser Bella because she is such a dumbfuck, and then Michael Sheen titters on about How Fabulous Everything and Everyone is and JUST END ALREADY MY ASS IS NUMB.
JESUS, so then there is some mildly awesome shrieks as tourists are turned into a buffet. There's more outrage on my part as she and Edward meebe and mope at each other, Charlie swoops in and pretends to be a parent again, and then Bella shoops off to Casa de Cullen, wherein the following happens:
Bella: I want to be a vamp too! MY SOUL!
Alice: *prances*
Jasper: You smell like snacks.
Esme: *maternals*
Emmett: I am big and you are funny little woman! You'd make a HILARIOUS little vamp, I am totes on board for this!
Rosalie: D:< GTFO
Carlisle: *ish deep and thoughtful*
Edward: *emos out the door*
Then there's some stupid ass confrontation in the woods with Jacob and Edward, and he thanks Jacob for looking after his Little Woman because she is incapable of doing it herself, and then he 'splodes off in the woods.
Then he asks Bella to marry him. Oh God, are we going to start this shit already? And it was the worst movie that started with a bitch bitching bitchtastically about her birthday and leading a poor little boy werewolf around by the nose that ended with cupcakes and sparkles and a sparkley proposal, GET THESE PEOPLE LAID PLEASE, that I ever saw THE FUCKING END.
Alrighty, so here's the deal: I took another six pages of notes, and then I gave that shit up. I am not that dedicated, and my hands were cold and GOD, this is the longest movie in existence. That being said, I don't want to write a whole novel with each post, so there's going to be a general wrap-up post following this one.
When we left off, Laurent (LAURENT!) had just shooped his way back into town with his fabulous self, looking all dangerous in his shirtless-suit-and-dreads-combo. And at last, oh happy day, there's some plot! No?
No.
So, considering that Bella is supposed to be keeping all of this righteous secrets or she is gonna get smashed, she is an absolutely terrible liar. Edward: "LIE BETTER OMG YOU SUCK."
Hologram Edward again! I love that see-through bastard. That will never, ever stop cracking my shit up. Ever.
To be fair, the wolves are kinda awesome. Of course, that big ass black wolf gave me flashbacks to the Never Ending Story like whoa. I really was hoping for a lecture about...The Nothing. Why gosh, I wonder what that big red wolf with BIG BROWN EYES is looking at Bella for aDUR.
Oh Lord, then we have this:
Bella: Omfg, is not bear, is WOLF! BIG WOLVES!
Charlie: Wolf? You has a sure?
Harry Clearwater: IS NOT WOLF, TOTES A BEAR!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So then Jacob shows up and scares the bejezus out of Bella, who then proceeds to tell her that he is going to scale the house into her room because NO ONE USES THE FRONT DOOR ANYMORE. And of course, because this is Twilightverse and there are sewper deep things to be said, the music woodles woodlingly while Jacob tries to get Bella to remember the thing about the wolves and the natives.
Jacob: Do you remember the shameless foreshadowing?
Bella: Um...vampires?
Jacob: Oh my god, you are such a dumbfuck.
And then, because Bella hasn't stomped on this poor kid's heart enough, she asks him to run away with her.
Oh, how wonderful, apparently the Forest of Exposition has been replaced with Nightmares of Exposition, sure. Why not.
Bwahahahaha, Jacob's boys look like rejects from Boyband Camp. Srsly, I think I saw them on the Disney Channel once.
Okay, so, a major thing in Eclipse is that Bella hauls off and pops Jacob one (that whole thing is just...ugh), resulting in her broken hand--so why is she okay hitting the random Wolfguy? No hysterics or anything?
And now we get to the part where Jacob is asploding. Huh. That's...that's a guy exploding into a wolf right there. Isn't there like, left over shrapnel? Random hairballs or skin on the ground? Wouldn't someone notice that? "GODDAMMIT YOU GUYS, quit leaving your 'splosion trails in my yard!!" The wolves are fighting and then the CAMERA FALLS OVER BECAUSE IT IS DED FROM TEH DRAMAS.
The whole thing with Emily squicks me out. What, exactly, did she say to Sam to piss him off? That is just way too close to "Look at how you made me hit you, you hoar!" And what exactly hurt her? WAS IT FURRY SPLOSION SHRAPNEL??
Omfg, for real? No one can figure out what Victoria wants? This is Twilight, where everything is about Bella Dumbfuck Swan.
"I'm alright until I'm alone." You're fucking right Bella, because when you get around other people, I can't fucking stand you.
The hunting scene was really confusing. The boys are all out in the woods, and then Victoria shows up and she gives Harry the Vampire Evil Eye of Mild Seduction, and he has a heart attack in response? Idk.
So then Bella Dumbfuck Swan is all alone again, and what does she do? She e-mails Alice again: "I know where I have to go to see him again." STOP WITH THE NOT SUICIDE.
Victoria again! So awesome with her redredred hair.
I'm not going to lie, the underwater scene where Bella sees Edward floating upside down next to her? A little awesome. It looked a lot like something from Across the Universe. That being said, the visuals as whole are a lot better than in Twilight. The scenes are framed nicer, I think is what's going on here. But really, saying it's better than the first movie is like saying getting chicken pox is better than getting the measles.
Y'know what I really fucking hate? When movies feature stupid CPR. This is ridiculous. You do not do chest compressions on someone with a pulse!!!! If she was truly without a pulse and needing chest compressions, then she would not have woken back up. The chances of actually reviving someone with CPR are ridculously small--you're just buying time until someone shows up with some electricity to give the victim a jumpstart. Also, anyone that's ever done CPR for a long time will tell you the following: You will in fact get thrown up on. It's a fact. It's gross.
And then it's all just awesome because Victoria is out in the water like a shark and it's just awesome.
"What if I ever get mad at you?" OMFG, THEN YOU TAKE YOUR ASS OUT TO THE DOG HOUSE WHERE IT BELONGS.
Bwahahahaha, then there's some almost-kissing and it is so effing awkward, and then there's some more meebling about who loves who, UNEXPECTED ALICE IS UNEXPECTED! Yaaaaaay, Alice!
Alice then meebles awesomely about wet dog smells, and then Jacob goes all Hulk with something like, "You won't like me when I'm angry!" and this is the longest movie in history and I just want it to be DONE, I don't even care anymore.
Bella is a bitch, again, surprisingly, despite the fact that Jacob Pectorals Black has been busy putting Bella Dumbfuck Humpty Dumpty Emo Whining Codependent Swan back together for months and months, and then she hauls off and tells him to essentially GTFO.
More almost-kissing, Unexpected phone is unexpected! Then Edward is randomly shown in some dive in South America (God I hope he got laid), and then he smashes his phone because he is overwrought...probaby ran out of hooch.
Which brings me to this: If he's in South America, how the fuck does he get to Italy faster? I am just baffled by that. How the fuck did any of them get to Italy that fast? I want to go to the airports they use, because I am here to tell you, it is delays from one tarmac to the other here. If you want to get up and pee, there's a fucking delay. Forget the peanuts and Coke, that shit got delayed too.
Jacob: "Little woman stay with big wolf man! I protect for many moons!"
Alice: 0_o
Ohhh, Virgin Airlines, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR HAR HAR HAR. Does this mean that Edward flew in on PanAssholes?
And boy, there they go with the subtle symbolism again--Edward's got a tear in his shirt right over his heart! Gosh! I wonder what it means!
I am going to be totally honest: I want to have Michael Dotty Old Fablous Sheen Vampire's sparkly mutant babies. I do.
Edward, in addition to not being able to change his shirt (I guess vamps don't sweat? Or he just smells really icky.), has also apparently ran out of spare change for more raspberry Bonne Bell.
Alice is just adorable again with her red leather driving gloves. I like how they pull up, Bella jumps out, and you can just tell that Alice is thinking, "DON'T BE BELLA DUMBFUCK ADORAKLUTZ MOTHERFUCKING SWAN FOR TWO GODDAMN MINUTES. We are so fooked."
Noon? Really? Is this going to be a shoot out? Will there be really bizarre close ups of Clint Eastwood's mouth and eyes? And do they not take into account daylight savings time? Because noon doesn't necessarily mean the sun will be over head, and especially with those tall ass buildings, there will be some definite shadows going on.
So then Bella is moshing her way through the Red Robe Mosh Pit of Doom, while Edward gives the most emotastic striptease ever, because he can't just take his goddamn torn shirt off. This...there's...holy cupcakes, there is more meebling about goddamn suicide and how much love there is. LOVE IS NOT SUICIDE JESUS CHRIST WITH PUDDING ON A UNICYCLE.
"I'm nothing!" No, you're not! You suck and I hope you jump off a cliff for real I am so fucking sick of ALL OF YOU and ALL OF YOUR DRAMA THAT YOU YOURSELF CAUSE.
And then the vamp enforcers show up, and Alice comes prancing in from a side door, and everyone's going to rumble like a bad '50s gang, and then Jane shows up. Dakota Fanning is actually mildly hot, I'll be damned. She should wear outrageous eyeliner and black more often.
Then there's some meebling from the Head Vamps Who Wear Velour, and then Jane mind-tasers Edward, and she can't mind-taser Bella because she is such a dumbfuck, and then Michael Sheen titters on about How Fabulous Everything and Everyone is and JUST END ALREADY MY ASS IS NUMB.
JESUS, so then there is some mildly awesome shrieks as tourists are turned into a buffet. There's more outrage on my part as she and Edward meebe and mope at each other, Charlie swoops in and pretends to be a parent again, and then Bella shoops off to Casa de Cullen, wherein the following happens:
Bella: I want to be a vamp too! MY SOUL!
Alice: *prances*
Jasper: You smell like snacks.
Esme: *maternals*
Emmett: I am big and you are funny little woman! You'd make a HILARIOUS little vamp, I am totes on board for this!
Rosalie: D:< GTFO
Carlisle: *ish deep and thoughtful*
Edward: *emos out the door*
Then there's some stupid ass confrontation in the woods with Jacob and Edward, and he thanks Jacob for looking after his Little Woman because she is incapable of doing it herself, and then he 'splodes off in the woods.
Then he asks Bella to marry him. Oh God, are we going to start this shit already? And it was the worst movie that started with a bitch bitching bitchtastically about her birthday and leading a poor little boy werewolf around by the nose that ended with cupcakes and sparkles and a sparkley proposal, GET THESE PEOPLE LAID PLEASE, that I ever saw THE FUCKING END.