Some In-Depth Bitching About New Moon
I feel that I should start off with clarifying a few things: I do not like Twilight. At all. I dislike the intense marketing, the utter shallowness of the whole thing, and frankly, anything aimed at teenage girls goes in the category of OMG It Scares the Stuff Out of Me. That being said, I recognize that there are sane fans out there--though they be few and far between--that have the presence of mind to say, "I recognize that this is flawed, but I'm still capable of enjoying it." Good on you, reasonably sane people.
I also take issue with the unashamed bashing of the fans. Yes, they squeal over what some perceive to be as Ridiculous Things. Yes, a lot of them are into it just because Edward or Jacob (sometimes both?) are hotttt. Yes, the whole thing is really, really unhealthy. However, who alive hasn't done something wacky for a particular fandom? I convinced Mom of Awesome to drive me to Detroit my senior high school Spring Break (which was like, 8+ hours) just to see Phantom of the Opera on stage. No, really. On said trip, we acted like complete fools, including getting lost in the heart of the worst neighborhood anywhere ever (Remind me to tell y'all that story sometime, omg.), and squealing at Gary Mauer at the stage door. This is just a minor example, too--I know for damn sure that there are Harry Potter fans out there that happily camped out overnight to be first in line for some movie or other.
My point being, maybe we can all work on not being so high-handed about the actual fans; feel free to keep on slicing and dicing that piss-poor piss of literature though.
Moving on!
As was the case when I watched Twilight, I had to seperate my viewing into two segments, because I frankly couldn't handle it all at once. Also, for those that are going to scream "HYPOCRISY!!1" at me, allow me to save you the time: I did not spend one solitary cent on a movie ticket because I'm an evil bootleg watching hoar, and those fuckers at Summit didn't get a squidge of money out of me. SO thar. Also-also, I have six pages of notes and I am only halfway through the movie, holy shit send halp.
Now den. *Note: I wrote all of these notes in realtime, so all of this is my honest to God reaction.
Firstly, the opening for some reason instantly made me think of the opening to VHD: Bloodlust. I don't know why my brain went there (the music/moon combo?), but it did, and I got all excited for a minute. Other than that, the other thing that really struck me is that I dig the music. I'm...I'm vaguely ashamed of that. I'm even more ashamed that I'll probably be downloading it for when I feel all pathetic and thoughtful.
Ugh, again with the Bella-prologue-zombie-voiceover. I don't like it, not at all. Kristin Stewart does not have the most appealing voice in the world, and I don't like it when she's trying to be all dramatical.
I have all kinds of issues with Bella's OMFG I ARE HAS AN OLD. There is no kind of reason for her to be shitting herself over this at fucking eighteen. God, she would be one of those people that are convinced that high school was the best time of their life, nothing is ever going to equal that ever the end. URGH. Ooh, the sparkles are better though, that's...something? I mean, at least they don't look like a bunch of sparkly cockroaches now? I still can't take anyone that sparkles seriously, I don't care if they're vampire, human, or cryptid.
Charlie, bless you--you try so hard, and your daughter is still a complete hose beast. I love your Gruffy Parenting.
Aaaaand the music sucks again. Look, I can tell that they tried really, really hard to shove some indie music into this movie, and that's why I don't like it--teenagers as a rule don't dig the indie scene, because they're all pressured to fit in. It's a rare, rare thing (and I'm sure that someone will come blustering me in and tell me I'm full of shit) that anyone in high school listens to the stuff they're playing, let alone it would be on a radio station in a small town like Forks.
Bwahahahahahahaha, Edward: "I'm too sexy to button my shirt. Hotness +2 because it flutters carelessly in the breeze." Eh heh.
Rofl, Bella: "You're old, I'm old, WE'RE ALL OLD OMG YOU ARE DISGUSTING ILU."
GOD, why can these people not stick a decent wig on poor Taylor Lautner? I feel for that kid, I really do. Apparently they blew his whole wardrobe budge on getting some magenta lipstick for RPattzzz. Ooooh, he got her a dreamcatcher and he shows it to her and he's holding it up right in front of Edward OH I SEE WHAT U DID THAR. Foreshadowing ahoy!
Huh. Interestingly enough, Bella has a better wig this time. Alrighty.
AAAAAAAAALICE!! ILU so much, come sliding into the scene and give me presents, I promise to actually be gracious. (*Note: remind me to pontificate about how impolite Bella actually is.) Oh my Cupcakes, Jasper's hair has gotten worse. I am so afraid of it. It is going to come eat my eyeballs and touch me while I sleep, I can feel it.
Oh fuck me, it wouldn't be teen angst without Romeo and Juliet. Let me tell you something, Youth of Today: R&J is not NOT not romantic--it is unhealthy and no one should be allowed to read it until they are 25. It is teenagers acting like douchey, self-absorbed pricks. Aaaand of course it wouldn't be the Wonderful World of Twilight without some angsty reciting of Romeo's lines and discussing how easy suicide is. SUICIDE IS NOT EASY YOU FUCKING MAN HOAR STFU AND GO BUY YOURSELF A BRAIN WITH YOUR OODLES OF DOLLARS. If I could afford it, I would have thrown my laptop across the room in anger at this point.
The Volturi. Aieeee. I think I might be in love. Their wardrobe! The executions! The head pulling-off like a bottlecap! THE ROBES OF WIN OMG I WANT ONE. I would really like to know where I can apply for this job--I would happily sit on a thrown all day wrapped in velvet.
Something else strikes me at this point: Bella (Kristin Stewart, I s'pose) is actually subtly very pretty in this installment. There's some definite improvements with her makeup, but it's still very subdued, supposed to look natural. All in all, she's attractive, like really. This could be the movie's way of saying, "Love makes us all more beauteous!" but I really don't think that they were that deep. I think it's more of a case of a bigger budget and the different color palette complementing her, more likely. Whatever the case is, she is clearly not "ordinary" as she is wont to whine about. It really makes you wonder about the complex she is going to give young girls.
"It's my job to protect you!" Yes, because the little wimmens sure aren't capable of protecting themselves. Thank goodness we have big strong menz to make sure we're alright.
Rosalie! Oh, how I wish you were in this movie more. I really like her wardrobe, and her hair is so awesome. "Here, take this necklace, I effing hate you." LULZ.
Alrighty, so we're opening some presents, there are hugs and OMFG THE HAIR THE HAIR IS LOOSE YOU GUYS RUUUUUN!! JASPER'S HAIR HAS FINALLY TAKEN OVER HIS BRAIN! This is how it goes down:
Bella: *present pout*
Cullens: *brood*
Bella: Oopsies, papercut.
Edward: I will throw you into a table to protect you! My plan is FLAWLESS.
Jasper: AAAAAAAAAH RAWR SNAP SNAP SNAP TEETH HAAAAAAAAIR THE HAIR IS COMING FOR YOOOOOOUUU!
Cullens: *sniff sniff* Mmmmmm, yummers.
Now, let me tell you, I do not recall them ever calling Jasper 'Jazz' in the books. If someone started calling me 'Jazz', I might freak out a little too. Jasper's crazy face was sorta awesome too. And poor Alice, looking so heartbroken that she couldn't be around Bella's luscious bloodness. It's okay honey, I feel that way when I go into a bakery.
Carlisle, come bang me six ways to Sunday. The man was wonderful taste in art, and he listens to opera while stitching up the Adoraklutz. That is just wonderful. He's also one of the few people that makes any sort of sense, probably because he's not having to think through eternal teenage hormones.
So then Edward is painfully kissing Bella at her house (or so I assume, from the Gorilla Taking a Shit face he was making) and it's yucky. There's also a distinctly noticable emphasis on Bella making little whimpery sounds everytime the snog. Ew. Ahahahahaha, RPattzzzz' eyebrows look like they're going to eat Kristin Stewart's head.
OH MY GOD, STOP BEING SUCH A DUMBFUCK HE IS BREAKING UP WITH YOU. OOER!
(And it's at this point that I really start to appreciate how much Kristin Stewart is responsible for carrying this whole movie. You've got Robert Pattinson, who has admitted that he can't act (bless), but who brings something interesting to the screen in that it's pretty obvious he hates himself, but he vanishes really early in the movie. Taylor Lautner, who is more prominent, is...well, he's young, okay? He just really struggles to make himself any sort of memorable other than being a piece of manmeat. So we're left with Kristin Stewart, who I think is the only one of the three sorta-leads that has any sort of talent, and believe me, it's small. But it's there.)
MOVING ON, I am not making this up, this is for serious dialogue:
Edward: You don't belong in my world.
Bella: I belong with you.
Edward: No you don't.
OOER!
"I don't want you to come." No kidding, you fucking prude.
Then there's some meebling about SOOOOOUUUUULS, and then Bella says, "I'm not good enough for you." WHAT. I DON'T. WHAT.
And then wandering around in the woods as the sun's going down, that's totes smart. And then rolling around on the floor of the Forest of Exposition Emo. And there are large black wolves. Hokay.
No one thinks it's weird that a shirtless guy is carrying an unconcious girl out of the woods? Really? No one? Then there's this weird moment of eye contact between Sam and Jacob, and it mosty makes me uncomfortable.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA EVERYTHING WAS WORTH THE MONTHS MONTAGE OHMYSHIT YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS . The months are written on the screen, are you fucking kidding me. Because we, as an average movie goer, cannot discern the seasons changing. At all. *Sidenote: Momma's, tell your daughters that this is not acceptable behavior to deal with a breakup.
+Things that are acceptable: Manicures, buying shitloads of shoes, cupcakes, breaking some dishes, concentrating on school, etc.
E-mails to Alice? She doesn't have time for your emo-whining, she's busy being awesome. Spamguard ahoy!
Why is Bella having night terrors? WTF. NO ONE DIED, YOU ARE NOT INJURED OR VIOLATED, STOP BEING SO GODDAMN DRAMATIC AND GO BACK TO SLEEP. HE BROKE UP WITH YOU, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WITNESSED A MURDER. Charlie tries so hard, bless you and your mustache.
And then Bella tells Charlie (Emo-tasically!) that's she's going to have a girl's night out. Eh heh. And then Charlie says, "Go...buy some...stuff." ROFL
Apparently GNO turns out to be a zombie movie, after which Jessica starts reflecting on self-righteous sheeple and I kinda like her.I wonder what that says about me, that I like all the people we're supposed to hate. Hmmm.
BIKERZ:
-Bella has a flashback to when the Volvo of Great Justice came swooping in and saved her from the would-be attackers, because rape is sexy?
-Edward appears like a bad hologram and is apparently now her common sense.
-THIS WHOLE THING IS NOT OKAY. Who. Really, who. Who is dumb enough to get on the back of some guy's motorcycle? WHO, I ASK! Answer: Bella Swan, Dumbfuck Extraordinaire!
-So then she's on the back of this guy's bike, and she starts wiggling and twisting all around. Now, anyone that's ridden a motorcycle, knows anything about motorcycles, or has been in the Bitch Seat, knows that you hold on and you hold the fuck still. I am here to tell you, someone shifting around like that would not end well. Also, the bike sounds weird. I can't see real well exactly what it is, but it sounds more like a dirt bike.
"That was such a rush!" And then Jessica says basically everything that I'm thinking, and calls Bella out for being a dumbass.
Hee! Jacob is so happy. They did a good job casting him simply because he reminds me of a big, hairy puppy. And another motorcycle irritation: DIRT BIKES are NOT motorcycles. Okay? Okay. Also, because they sit up high and accelerate weirdly, they are hard to learn how to ride on.
I'm also struck by Jacob's insanely white teeth. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross gets his teeth whitened.
"I don't like music." I can relate. The radio sucks. Pandora's the way to go.
Okay, long hair is not good for working in the garage. True story, my brother had a friend with a ponytail helping him at his shop, and it got caught in a timing chain and yanked it almost clear off his head. Also, his fingernails are weirdly clean to be a mechanic.
Being two years older than a boy does not a cougar make, so STFU. Again.
OH HALE NO. Charlie Re: Jacob--"Learn to love him!" WHAAAAAT. You do not learn to love someone. That is all.
Aaaaand we're up to the shameless fan service wherein Jacob for some unknown reason takes his shirt off to dab at the cut on Bella's head that she got because she wasn't paying attention on the Death Bike because she was looking at holograms of her vampire boyfriend who appear while she's being a dumbass and dirty sweaty t-shirts are the best things to use for first aid, everyone knows that.
Rofl, silly Mike Newton! Bella can't love you, there's no angst in that! She's just going to cockblock you throughout the whole 'date'. Face Punch has to be directed by Michael Bay, I can just tell.
Then Mike goes to whorf, and Bella and Jacob have some more angst:
Jacob: "Please love me! I WILL NEVER GO AWAY."
Bella: "I'm so broken, I can't be fixed. My high school boyfriend left me, and I'll never get over it even though he's a jerkoff. *meeble*"
And then for some reason, Jacob gets the Werewolf Flu (which must be distantly related to Hamthrax). The first symptom? Being an aggressive jerk: "YOU WANT ME TO PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL?? *Jacob SMASH!*"
Bella's been abandoned again, and because this wouldn't be Twilight if the women weren't defined by the men they're with, she pleads with him to keep letting her yank him around by the nose. GIVE THE EMO A REST ALREADY.
Being shirtless makes Jacob ANGRY! "You cut your precious wig hair off!" OH MY GOD, let it go already! Jesus, the kid doesn't like you! Maybe he got fucking sick of your fucking mind games! And then Jacob comes up with this gem: "Don't come back, or you're gonna get hurt." No, I did not make that up. What part of that is okay? She needs to trot her ass right home, tell Police Chief Dad, and get a fucking restraining order like now.
So then she decides to go frolloping around in the woods to find the Meadow of Great Sparkle, which is all fall and ded now. D: Awww, too bad.
OWAIT IT'S LAURENT! Oooooh, it's Laurent. Apparently black vampires don't sparkle like the white ones? 0.o Does this mean there's going to be something like a plot soon? Please, I've been so good Santa.
Oh my God, I'm only halfway through this movie. Send booze and cupcakes.
I also take issue with the unashamed bashing of the fans. Yes, they squeal over what some perceive to be as Ridiculous Things. Yes, a lot of them are into it just because Edward or Jacob (sometimes both?) are hotttt. Yes, the whole thing is really, really unhealthy. However, who alive hasn't done something wacky for a particular fandom? I convinced Mom of Awesome to drive me to Detroit my senior high school Spring Break (which was like, 8+ hours) just to see Phantom of the Opera on stage. No, really. On said trip, we acted like complete fools, including getting lost in the heart of the worst neighborhood anywhere ever (Remind me to tell y'all that story sometime, omg.), and squealing at Gary Mauer at the stage door. This is just a minor example, too--I know for damn sure that there are Harry Potter fans out there that happily camped out overnight to be first in line for some movie or other.
My point being, maybe we can all work on not being so high-handed about the actual fans; feel free to keep on slicing and dicing that piss-poor piss of literature though.
Moving on!
As was the case when I watched Twilight, I had to seperate my viewing into two segments, because I frankly couldn't handle it all at once. Also, for those that are going to scream "HYPOCRISY!!1" at me, allow me to save you the time: I did not spend one solitary cent on a movie ticket because I'm an evil bootleg watching hoar, and those fuckers at Summit didn't get a squidge of money out of me. SO thar. Also-also, I have six pages of notes and I am only halfway through the movie, holy shit send halp.
Now den. *Note: I wrote all of these notes in realtime, so all of this is my honest to God reaction.
Firstly, the opening for some reason instantly made me think of the opening to VHD: Bloodlust. I don't know why my brain went there (the music/moon combo?), but it did, and I got all excited for a minute. Other than that, the other thing that really struck me is that I dig the music. I'm...I'm vaguely ashamed of that. I'm even more ashamed that I'll probably be downloading it for when I feel all pathetic and thoughtful.
Ugh, again with the Bella-prologue-zombie-voiceover. I don't like it, not at all. Kristin Stewart does not have the most appealing voice in the world, and I don't like it when she's trying to be all dramatical.
I have all kinds of issues with Bella's OMFG I ARE HAS AN OLD. There is no kind of reason for her to be shitting herself over this at fucking eighteen. God, she would be one of those people that are convinced that high school was the best time of their life, nothing is ever going to equal that ever the end. URGH. Ooh, the sparkles are better though, that's...something? I mean, at least they don't look like a bunch of sparkly cockroaches now? I still can't take anyone that sparkles seriously, I don't care if they're vampire, human, or cryptid.
Charlie, bless you--you try so hard, and your daughter is still a complete hose beast. I love your Gruffy Parenting.
Aaaaand the music sucks again. Look, I can tell that they tried really, really hard to shove some indie music into this movie, and that's why I don't like it--teenagers as a rule don't dig the indie scene, because they're all pressured to fit in. It's a rare, rare thing (and I'm sure that someone will come blustering me in and tell me I'm full of shit) that anyone in high school listens to the stuff they're playing, let alone it would be on a radio station in a small town like Forks.
Bwahahahahahahaha, Edward: "I'm too sexy to button my shirt. Hotness +2 because it flutters carelessly in the breeze." Eh heh.
Rofl, Bella: "You're old, I'm old, WE'RE ALL OLD OMG YOU ARE DISGUSTING ILU."
GOD, why can these people not stick a decent wig on poor Taylor Lautner? I feel for that kid, I really do. Apparently they blew his whole wardrobe budge on getting some magenta lipstick for RPattzzz. Ooooh, he got her a dreamcatcher and he shows it to her and he's holding it up right in front of Edward OH I SEE WHAT U DID THAR. Foreshadowing ahoy!
Huh. Interestingly enough, Bella has a better wig this time. Alrighty.
AAAAAAAAALICE!! ILU so much, come sliding into the scene and give me presents, I promise to actually be gracious. (*Note: remind me to pontificate about how impolite Bella actually is.) Oh my Cupcakes, Jasper's hair has gotten worse. I am so afraid of it. It is going to come eat my eyeballs and touch me while I sleep, I can feel it.
Oh fuck me, it wouldn't be teen angst without Romeo and Juliet. Let me tell you something, Youth of Today: R&J is not NOT not romantic--it is unhealthy and no one should be allowed to read it until they are 25. It is teenagers acting like douchey, self-absorbed pricks. Aaaand of course it wouldn't be the Wonderful World of Twilight without some angsty reciting of Romeo's lines and discussing how easy suicide is. SUICIDE IS NOT EASY YOU FUCKING MAN HOAR STFU AND GO BUY YOURSELF A BRAIN WITH YOUR OODLES OF DOLLARS. If I could afford it, I would have thrown my laptop across the room in anger at this point.
The Volturi. Aieeee. I think I might be in love. Their wardrobe! The executions! The head pulling-off like a bottlecap! THE ROBES OF WIN OMG I WANT ONE. I would really like to know where I can apply for this job--I would happily sit on a thrown all day wrapped in velvet.
Something else strikes me at this point: Bella (Kristin Stewart, I s'pose) is actually subtly very pretty in this installment. There's some definite improvements with her makeup, but it's still very subdued, supposed to look natural. All in all, she's attractive, like really. This could be the movie's way of saying, "Love makes us all more beauteous!" but I really don't think that they were that deep. I think it's more of a case of a bigger budget and the different color palette complementing her, more likely. Whatever the case is, she is clearly not "ordinary" as she is wont to whine about. It really makes you wonder about the complex she is going to give young girls.
"It's my job to protect you!" Yes, because the little wimmens sure aren't capable of protecting themselves. Thank goodness we have big strong menz to make sure we're alright.
Rosalie! Oh, how I wish you were in this movie more. I really like her wardrobe, and her hair is so awesome. "Here, take this necklace, I effing hate you." LULZ.
Alrighty, so we're opening some presents, there are hugs and OMFG THE HAIR THE HAIR IS LOOSE YOU GUYS RUUUUUN!! JASPER'S HAIR HAS FINALLY TAKEN OVER HIS BRAIN! This is how it goes down:
Bella: *present pout*
Cullens: *brood*
Bella: Oopsies, papercut.
Edward: I will throw you into a table to protect you! My plan is FLAWLESS.
Jasper: AAAAAAAAAH RAWR SNAP SNAP SNAP TEETH HAAAAAAAAIR THE HAIR IS COMING FOR YOOOOOOUUU!
Cullens: *sniff sniff* Mmmmmm, yummers.
Now, let me tell you, I do not recall them ever calling Jasper 'Jazz' in the books. If someone started calling me 'Jazz', I might freak out a little too. Jasper's crazy face was sorta awesome too. And poor Alice, looking so heartbroken that she couldn't be around Bella's luscious bloodness. It's okay honey, I feel that way when I go into a bakery.
Carlisle, come bang me six ways to Sunday. The man was wonderful taste in art, and he listens to opera while stitching up the Adoraklutz. That is just wonderful. He's also one of the few people that makes any sort of sense, probably because he's not having to think through eternal teenage hormones.
So then Edward is painfully kissing Bella at her house (or so I assume, from the Gorilla Taking a Shit face he was making) and it's yucky. There's also a distinctly noticable emphasis on Bella making little whimpery sounds everytime the snog. Ew. Ahahahahaha, RPattzzzz' eyebrows look like they're going to eat Kristin Stewart's head.
OH MY GOD, STOP BEING SUCH A DUMBFUCK HE IS BREAKING UP WITH YOU. OOER!
(And it's at this point that I really start to appreciate how much Kristin Stewart is responsible for carrying this whole movie. You've got Robert Pattinson, who has admitted that he can't act (bless), but who brings something interesting to the screen in that it's pretty obvious he hates himself, but he vanishes really early in the movie. Taylor Lautner, who is more prominent, is...well, he's young, okay? He just really struggles to make himself any sort of memorable other than being a piece of manmeat. So we're left with Kristin Stewart, who I think is the only one of the three sorta-leads that has any sort of talent, and believe me, it's small. But it's there.)
MOVING ON, I am not making this up, this is for serious dialogue:
Edward: You don't belong in my world.
Bella: I belong with you.
Edward: No you don't.
OOER!
"I don't want you to come." No kidding, you fucking prude.
Then there's some meebling about SOOOOOUUUUULS, and then Bella says, "I'm not good enough for you." WHAT. I DON'T. WHAT.
And then wandering around in the woods as the sun's going down, that's totes smart. And then rolling around on the floor of the Forest of Exposition Emo. And there are large black wolves. Hokay.
No one thinks it's weird that a shirtless guy is carrying an unconcious girl out of the woods? Really? No one? Then there's this weird moment of eye contact between Sam and Jacob, and it mosty makes me uncomfortable.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA EVERYTHING WAS WORTH THE MONTHS MONTAGE OHMYSHIT YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS . The months are written on the screen, are you fucking kidding me. Because we, as an average movie goer, cannot discern the seasons changing. At all. *Sidenote: Momma's, tell your daughters that this is not acceptable behavior to deal with a breakup.
+Things that are acceptable: Manicures, buying shitloads of shoes, cupcakes, breaking some dishes, concentrating on school, etc.
E-mails to Alice? She doesn't have time for your emo-whining, she's busy being awesome. Spamguard ahoy!
Why is Bella having night terrors? WTF. NO ONE DIED, YOU ARE NOT INJURED OR VIOLATED, STOP BEING SO GODDAMN DRAMATIC AND GO BACK TO SLEEP. HE BROKE UP WITH YOU, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WITNESSED A MURDER. Charlie tries so hard, bless you and your mustache.
And then Bella tells Charlie (Emo-tasically!) that's she's going to have a girl's night out. Eh heh. And then Charlie says, "Go...buy some...stuff." ROFL
Apparently GNO turns out to be a zombie movie, after which Jessica starts reflecting on self-righteous sheeple and I kinda like her.I wonder what that says about me, that I like all the people we're supposed to hate. Hmmm.
BIKERZ:
-Bella has a flashback to when the Volvo of Great Justice came swooping in and saved her from the would-be attackers, because rape is sexy?
-Edward appears like a bad hologram and is apparently now her common sense.
-THIS WHOLE THING IS NOT OKAY. Who. Really, who. Who is dumb enough to get on the back of some guy's motorcycle? WHO, I ASK! Answer: Bella Swan, Dumbfuck Extraordinaire!
-So then she's on the back of this guy's bike, and she starts wiggling and twisting all around. Now, anyone that's ridden a motorcycle, knows anything about motorcycles, or has been in the Bitch Seat, knows that you hold on and you hold the fuck still. I am here to tell you, someone shifting around like that would not end well. Also, the bike sounds weird. I can't see real well exactly what it is, but it sounds more like a dirt bike.
"That was such a rush!" And then Jessica says basically everything that I'm thinking, and calls Bella out for being a dumbass.
Hee! Jacob is so happy. They did a good job casting him simply because he reminds me of a big, hairy puppy. And another motorcycle irritation: DIRT BIKES are NOT motorcycles. Okay? Okay. Also, because they sit up high and accelerate weirdly, they are hard to learn how to ride on.
I'm also struck by Jacob's insanely white teeth. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross gets his teeth whitened.
"I don't like music." I can relate. The radio sucks. Pandora's the way to go.
Okay, long hair is not good for working in the garage. True story, my brother had a friend with a ponytail helping him at his shop, and it got caught in a timing chain and yanked it almost clear off his head. Also, his fingernails are weirdly clean to be a mechanic.
Being two years older than a boy does not a cougar make, so STFU. Again.
OH HALE NO. Charlie Re: Jacob--"Learn to love him!" WHAAAAAT. You do not learn to love someone. That is all.
Aaaaand we're up to the shameless fan service wherein Jacob for some unknown reason takes his shirt off to dab at the cut on Bella's head that she got because she wasn't paying attention on the Death Bike because she was looking at holograms of her vampire boyfriend who appear while she's being a dumbass and dirty sweaty t-shirts are the best things to use for first aid, everyone knows that.
Rofl, silly Mike Newton! Bella can't love you, there's no angst in that! She's just going to cockblock you throughout the whole 'date'. Face Punch has to be directed by Michael Bay, I can just tell.
Then Mike goes to whorf, and Bella and Jacob have some more angst:
Jacob: "Please love me! I WILL NEVER GO AWAY."
Bella: "I'm so broken, I can't be fixed. My high school boyfriend left me, and I'll never get over it even though he's a jerkoff. *meeble*"
And then for some reason, Jacob gets the Werewolf Flu (which must be distantly related to Hamthrax). The first symptom? Being an aggressive jerk: "YOU WANT ME TO PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL?? *Jacob SMASH!*"
Bella's been abandoned again, and because this wouldn't be Twilight if the women weren't defined by the men they're with, she pleads with him to keep letting her yank him around by the nose. GIVE THE EMO A REST ALREADY.
Being shirtless makes Jacob ANGRY! "You cut your precious wig hair off!" OH MY GOD, let it go already! Jesus, the kid doesn't like you! Maybe he got fucking sick of your fucking mind games! And then Jacob comes up with this gem: "Don't come back, or you're gonna get hurt." No, I did not make that up. What part of that is okay? She needs to trot her ass right home, tell Police Chief Dad, and get a fucking restraining order like now.
So then she decides to go frolloping around in the woods to find the Meadow of Great Sparkle, which is all fall and ded now. D: Awww, too bad.
OWAIT IT'S LAURENT! Oooooh, it's Laurent. Apparently black vampires don't sparkle like the white ones? 0.o Does this mean there's going to be something like a plot soon? Please, I've been so good Santa.
Oh my God, I'm only halfway through this movie. Send booze and cupcakes.