(no subject)
Not sure why I feel more like typing in the past couple of days but at least it's got me writing. Feel a bit lighter after last night's rant. I usually wake up from those sorts of nights with the feeling that I just need to GET IT OUT, and I'll always feel better and saner in the morning. But it doesn't really change what I'm thinking. I don't know if I want to or can or whatever -- if I can continue to handle the process? I know I should, but my head still isn't in it. Realistically, I've been living in some version of depression for at least fifteen years; it can and will take time to dismantle the trappings and reactions and defaults of that mind. I just have no patience, especially for processes.
And no, I'm not really committed to .... I don't want to talk to anyone about it anymore. I just want it to GO AWAY. Maybe because I've lived with it all for so long that it just feels like all that happens is talking and thinking and talking and thinking?
I sound ridiculous and stupid. I know what to do, what needs to happen, what will bring results. I'm just absolutely terrible at going through with any of it for more than a few weeks. And I know that just wishing for something (general or specific) to be be different won't actually result in real difference. That the urges I feel to move or date are me running away from problems that will all come rushing back in six months or sooner after whatever the life change would be. It is the way of it. And I know that "but at least I'll be somewhere else" is not any kind of solution, just a continuation of willful ignorance.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was restless and had a few unsettling dreams. In two of them, I was working in a bank that looked more like a house's back porch but was still Wells Fargo. In the first, I was getting funds for a customer who was standing on one side of a door threshold being a little flirty while I was on the other side, tolerating it because I felt a little sorry for the strange bushy-haired magician. Then he sort of lunged to come to my side of the threshold, and I jumped and told him to step back, and he grinned and complied but it all felt menacing and scary.
In the second dream, I was in the same place doing something with money when a man approached the back door of this porch area. It was a half-screened door with a solid lower portion. He wasn't supposed to be there and it was instantly terrifying, and I screamed for help and one of my former employees from California was suddenly there. She ran to the door and held it shut with her body while trying to lock it, but the man was struggling to get in and brandished a gun and I remember gasping, "Emily, he has a gun!" and feeling frozen and so very scared. I awoke while this struggle was still happening and laid in bed afraid to get up so I consciously woke myself up out of the dreamy fog and spent ten minutes looking at things on my phone before I felt calm enough to go to the washroom and then fall asleep again.
In the last dream, I was a high school football game with people I knew, though I can't remember who they were or why I was there. The game was over; I was standing in the bleachers watching the field when I realized that I saw Bryan's mom walking across the field with some kid -- apparently it was a Memorial game. I wondering if I would see Bryan and started to scan the crowd, and to my surprise, I did see him walking along the sidelines and head through a break in the bleachers. For a moment, I fought the desire to see him, but I gave in quickly and headed down to the field to try to follow him. He was in khakis and a pink button-down; he had gained some weight and had his hair cut short. Not a lot of weight, but enough to make me think to him, See, life changes people, and it's okay. He looked like an older version of the Bryan I first started dating -- short hair and glasses and a little pudgy. Once I got onto the field level, I remember scanning around for him but also feeling nervous about actually seeing him and what his reaction to me might be, and then I woke up again.
All dreams that I really didn't want to have and still don't feel like I've shaken off today. Sigh.