(no subject)
Hey, stranger. I'm going to write at you.
I'm dating and it's weird and I don't love it. I don't hate it, but ... it's like going on a very personal job interview over and over again. And the more people I meet that aren't the right fit, the harder it is to believe the right fit exists or will ever come. I don't mean The One, a soulmate, or any of that hullabaloo. Just a person who thinks I'm as cool as I think they are.
I get lonely thinking that a third of my life has (probably) passed without having someone wake up next to me in the mornings. It's a rather melodramatic sentiment, but it's one of the parts of being in a relationship that I enjoy and miss the most. And it represents lots of things -- the daily choice to love someone, the intimacy of closeness to someone's raw-ness, the joy in the mundane -- yada yada yada.
Until I moved to NY, I'd only ever been on one real date. Here, I've done dating in spurts, mostly through online, and with varying degrees of what one might call success. Nothing has ever panned out than a few dates, nowhere near a relationship. Which actually was fine with me for a long time -- date, hook up, whatever. I've fiercely protected my independence, even when I've been annoyed or hurt by it. But now I'm moving out of that and wanting the solid-ness of a relationship, and it just seems that it is going to be a terrible pain to try to get there.
I had drinks with a guy on Monday. Had a good time, felt like he did as well, didn't hear from him all week until he finally responded to a text today. He was sorry he didn't reach out, he had a good time, no he's not interested, have a happy life. Most of me is glad he actually answered when I asked for the obvious clarification so that I'm not always left with a little piece of wonder, some sort of "but what if" to cling to. And most of me had a good conversation over delicious stout and felt good and confident and pretty and fun and very much like myself and happy that I felt all those things. Most of me doesn't care that there won't be a chance to get to know him more but it's not a big deal because my hopes for the future were not pinned on this guy; I just met him and barely know. Most of me knows it's on to the next.
But a small piece of me worries that I'm not good enough at reading people. That I am not pretty enough. That I'm too smart or sarcastic. That I am too much or not enough of the something that would make someone stick, the kind of someone that I could be interested in for the long haul. I guess that's the niggling part of this situation: We talked for three hours and that was enough to pique my interest in him as a person. But not his in me. I know that will and does ebb and flow, and I'm just starting again after not dating for a few months, but ....
But what? But I'm scared that I'm unlovable or only lovable by someone I don't want to love. I'm scared that the person my friends tell me I am doesn't actually exist. Or maybe she exists but only to people who will never want fuck me. I'm scared that I'm as boring and white-bread of a person as my head tells me I am.
I have a hard time hoping for things because I don't do well with the subsequent disappointment. So it's hard to hope for love or a relationship when it will likely take so much time and energy to get there. I'm not someone who gets into relationships easily or draws people to her and makes them want to stay around. Sometimes I very much wish I was. I know it's the flip side of an evil coin, but sometimes I wish I was constantly with someone instead of constantly alone. Constantly-dating people might have to learn to be alone someday but at least they don't have to be alone when they don't want to be.
I'm starting to irritate myself with all this so I'm going to go to bed. But thanks for listening. It's been years and we didn't get to catch up at Thanksgiving, but I feel like you are someone put in my life so long ago for a reason -- you get me even when it's been years. Have a good Sunday.
--E
I'm dating and it's weird and I don't love it. I don't hate it, but ... it's like going on a very personal job interview over and over again. And the more people I meet that aren't the right fit, the harder it is to believe the right fit exists or will ever come. I don't mean The One, a soulmate, or any of that hullabaloo. Just a person who thinks I'm as cool as I think they are.
I get lonely thinking that a third of my life has (probably) passed without having someone wake up next to me in the mornings. It's a rather melodramatic sentiment, but it's one of the parts of being in a relationship that I enjoy and miss the most. And it represents lots of things -- the daily choice to love someone, the intimacy of closeness to someone's raw-ness, the joy in the mundane -- yada yada yada.
Until I moved to NY, I'd only ever been on one real date. Here, I've done dating in spurts, mostly through online, and with varying degrees of what one might call success. Nothing has ever panned out than a few dates, nowhere near a relationship. Which actually was fine with me for a long time -- date, hook up, whatever. I've fiercely protected my independence, even when I've been annoyed or hurt by it. But now I'm moving out of that and wanting the solid-ness of a relationship, and it just seems that it is going to be a terrible pain to try to get there.
I had drinks with a guy on Monday. Had a good time, felt like he did as well, didn't hear from him all week until he finally responded to a text today. He was sorry he didn't reach out, he had a good time, no he's not interested, have a happy life. Most of me is glad he actually answered when I asked for the obvious clarification so that I'm not always left with a little piece of wonder, some sort of "but what if" to cling to. And most of me had a good conversation over delicious stout and felt good and confident and pretty and fun and very much like myself and happy that I felt all those things. Most of me doesn't care that there won't be a chance to get to know him more but it's not a big deal because my hopes for the future were not pinned on this guy; I just met him and barely know. Most of me knows it's on to the next.
But a small piece of me worries that I'm not good enough at reading people. That I am not pretty enough. That I'm too smart or sarcastic. That I am too much or not enough of the something that would make someone stick, the kind of someone that I could be interested in for the long haul. I guess that's the niggling part of this situation: We talked for three hours and that was enough to pique my interest in him as a person. But not his in me. I know that will and does ebb and flow, and I'm just starting again after not dating for a few months, but ....
But what? But I'm scared that I'm unlovable or only lovable by someone I don't want to love. I'm scared that the person my friends tell me I am doesn't actually exist. Or maybe she exists but only to people who will never want fuck me. I'm scared that I'm as boring and white-bread of a person as my head tells me I am.
I have a hard time hoping for things because I don't do well with the subsequent disappointment. So it's hard to hope for love or a relationship when it will likely take so much time and energy to get there. I'm not someone who gets into relationships easily or draws people to her and makes them want to stay around. Sometimes I very much wish I was. I know it's the flip side of an evil coin, but sometimes I wish I was constantly with someone instead of constantly alone. Constantly-dating people might have to learn to be alone someday but at least they don't have to be alone when they don't want to be.
I'm starting to irritate myself with all this so I'm going to go to bed. But thanks for listening. It's been years and we didn't get to catch up at Thanksgiving, but I feel like you are someone put in my life so long ago for a reason -- you get me even when it's been years. Have a good Sunday.
--E