Thursday
Working in Nitro N was delightfully busy. I hardly had any idle time. Unfortunately time went by extremely slowly and I spent a lot of time on hold with badging. Regardless, I felt like I did a lot of things which felt great. Working with Ariam was a lot of fun, she and I got along very well. It's hard to say if I knew more things than she did about the job in general, I feel like I did. She started a week or two before I did. It's interesting to see how people pick up and retain knowledge or if they overly care about things. When I worked with Brooke, I felt like Emma could do a better job than she could and probably care more. But who knows.
Back at Mayday again yesterday, same boring things. Of course I had someone come up minutes before I closed requesting a few things that fortunately I could do quickly but I still was cutting it close. Missed my ideal bus by literal 30 seconds again.
I got asked if I wanted some more ET since I had been in the list for requests, so I got scheduled for Thursday ET at Nitro N again.
Not sure how I didn't get notified but Kevin did end up responding to my texts, only really mentioned stuff going on at his house rather than anything further. No questions of what I left for him other than he'd look for it. I guess that's better than not getting any response?
Taarna seems to be having a hectic day today. It's apparently busier today than it has been in a while. She's made a lot of comments about societal structures and how people treat other people regarding pretty average day to day tasks and she frequently uses the word bigot way out of the definition's meaning when someone does something she doesn't like. Or when someone sent a reminder email for a bunch of buildings to do something, by a bunch I mean 11+ buildings... she said they were shaming everyone rather than just sending an email. Girl/They/He whatever, shaming would be singling them out rather than sending a reminder email before something is due. I don't see the issue. You hadn't even seen the initial email so it was good a reminder was sent out.
Overly opinionated people on any side of the fence are really annoying.
After work, picking up Jesse and we'll do Saturday night's dinner shopping. Should be a good time. According to Jen I'll have to keep him focused when we do the cooking stuff but honestly, there won't be too much for us both to do, even though I'm sure once it gets started I'll have to delegate.
I need like a few more hours of either morning time before I have to go to work or after to get stuff done around the house but it's honestly just not motivating. Today after I get home, watering the plant babies and probably nothing much more after. I think I just hate the apartment so much I just don't care.
Changing away from the past, moving to the future. It's a concept which is hard for me to grasp, been told by a few people already that the past needs to end and stop following me. Therapy will definitely help me solve this issue.
Another issue I need to solve is how I feel about myself. I get the most positive feeling from positive reactions from others and approval and once I have that, I feel extremely confident. Especially if those people are people I care about. Trying to love myself is just honestly not something I really see happening as I feel self-love is pretty conceited. Do I suck as a human? No. Do I think I'm the bee's knees? Most of the time? Do I feel comfortable in my own skin because I love my own skin? Absolutely maybe? I don't know. On days when I feel great about myself, something small will immediately take me into self-loathing. It's when I receive disapproval rather than something critical. But if I get positive reinforcement from someone I care about? Top of the world. Nothing can alter that.
When I'm feeling semi-great but do comparisons of myself to others, I immediately feel super down, super bad, horribly terrible about myself. Is it jealousy? I wonder what causes it.
People who do daily affirmations are just lying to themselves repeatedly until they believe them. I absolutely do not understand the daily affirmations thing. It seems extremely toxic. Especially when the people gloat about how they have to do their daily affirmations.
Thinking positively though, I really need to start. Find the good in things rather than the bad and searching for things which will undoubtedly make me reflect on the past.
... I hate this process but it's a process I need to go through.
Next week, 3 shifts of ET, 1 at Lowflying Hawk, 2 at Day 1. Then 2 pm shifts at Frontier and the rest of the days at Mayday. It's nice to not be in the north campus. Maybe I'm graduating?
The chance to potentially see Kevin while I'm in Day 1 is small but there's still a potential. Hopefully he has a better week and weekend.