Midweek thoughts
Already the middle of the week and this week has felt eternal. It's been long, slow progressing days. Even my commutes have felt insanely long. A woman on the bus was angry at another woman for being in a walker and having sat off to the side to wait rather than standing in line. Flat out the woman is just angry and a nasty person. Even made a rant of sorts when she was on the bus itself. The de-evolution of society, apparently? Either way, entirely not surprising she flat out told another woman that she couldn't sit next to her even though the bus was filling and people were already doubling up. Frankly, I wouldn't have wanted to sit next to her either. Apparently the one woman was going to have seat priority anyway because of her walker so why show additional compassion.
It really made me think of what's currently going on in Texas with the school shooting. People want gun reform because the guns are the problem when that's really not the problem at all. What about compassion for the obviously distraught person who came in and shot up the school? Mental health is an insane issue right now and it isn't addressed even if it's being talked about but also what about emotional health? School counselors really are underrated and underappreciated and severely under staffed. It's really the only source of things for students if they can't talk about stuff at home. Very briefly I remember speaking to mine and it wasn't really enough and adequate but he cared. Could he really do anything for me? Likely not because of regulations and rules and things but the times have since changed and the dynamic of the school system and home are so different now.
Could the shooting have been prevented if there were better emotional support systems? Mental care? I fully think yes. We're not a pro-active society, we're a reactive and that's unfortunate. Health and wellness begin at home and unfortunately there's so many broken homes out there. So many troubled people who usually just deal with their issues rather than having them treated but that's the healthcare system we have in place's fault. Profit over care.
I'd love therapy but it's so expensive. I know everyone tells me to have a sliding scale but I make too much but I don't make enough to cover the costs and even when I do get insurance, will it even cover that? Probably not. Who knows.
Healthcare needs to change. Gun laws and rights really aren't the issue though I think some more can be done to prevent accidental shootings, minors acquiring things at home, education needs to happen for safety and handling as well as keeping firearms safe and locked away. Will it ever? Probably not. There's too many hands in the cookie jars and too much money involved in all facets for anyone to actually care about people rather than lining their own pockets and shareholders, lobbyists and whoever else gets a slice of the pie.
Caring about people is just something we think we do but truly don't do in practice. People have been so angry at what they have and don't have, their sense of ownership and entitlement. Everyone could easily be nicer to each other even with the small things, letting people into the freeway rather than thinking everyone is getting ahead, it would make the flow of traffic so much better. Or letting people onto the bus first? There's plenty of seats, no need to be like that nasty woman... who obviously needs healthcare of some form as well.
A massive amount of Jesus is entirely needed by the entire world. And actually it wouldn't even need to be a massive amount, just the hem of his garment (along with faith). How much better would life actually be with a changed heart? It's such an easy solution and yet one that even Christians have a hard time with because we're only human after all and imperfect, always stumbling and sinning but that's the purpose of grace and something we as humans need to learn to have as well for one another. And the notion of free-will also. People will do what people want and will, though that all cycles back to knowing Jesus again and the more we know him the less we will do because with Him there is true freedom.
But such a world will never happen and all we can do is control ourselves. Some people unfortunately would beg to differ. My mother is a poster-child for attempting to control people and by people I mean my dad and I. I don't think she ever had attempted to control anyone else.
Maybe that's why I'm so laid back? I try to not control? I think at some points in my life I was a little controlling and that was when I was younger but when it comes to other people, I don't like stepping on toes, I don't like overstepping boundaries or even stepping near the boundaries. I try to give people massive respect and I think at some points I'm frustrated when it's not given or not recognized. Personal space, privacy, all that is really sacred to me but I also understand the need for transparency and I've always attempted to be transparent and when it comes to partners, expect the same.
So far, Kevin has been the most transparent out of all of my people, partners? What is he even? But at the same time, it could be better. I feel like if I were ever to ask him anything he'd answer it but would he freely give me information if I never did ask? He isn't quite there yet. I try to be transparent and giving of information but I also like knowing everything and perhaps to some degree it's my conditioning? I've always been micro-managed and maybe I'm just used to that?
Why do I even care about certain details? Is it because knowing can help me help someone else better? To avoid inconveniencing someone or interrupting them or imposing? I don't know. As Kevin said once I'm bad at fishing but I feel like whenever I tell someone I want to do something or can we do this or that I feel like I'm being rude and forceful and selfish even if I am not? Asking for things has always been difficult me. Speaking up for myself isn't ever easy. Even with my close friends, I'm rarely overly open about things I do want or don't want, though I think my friends know me well enough to know things I will and won't want to do, go to, etc.
I know I can handle inconveniences really well and things which are not ideal a little better than others so maybe I just make the self-sacrifice so that someone else doesn't have to even if that puts me out or leaves me without or out. I've always been somewhat without anyway and thus I didn't know the difference? People haven't ever been overly giving with me so knowing the generosity of others is something very special to me, especially when people seem overly nice to me which I'm wondering is basic for them? Are people doing things exceptionally nice or is it basic nice? I don't know.
I feel guilty taking from people but I also don't because declining hospitality from people is also off-putting for them. I don't hate when I get declined but I also find it frustrating when I'm making a point to give because I enjoy it so much. It's disappointing. Let me do this one thing for you even if I'm always doing that one thing for you among other one things. Or giving something.
... Being a better person, how does it work?