Catching up
Feeling so super behind in this journal. Haven't had the energy nor the motivation to write for a while and even after I made my most recent outline for what to write next, I've just sat on it and looked at it feeling rather overwhelmed. Maybe I need to do speech to text for a while?
After another set of musings on how I felt about the relationship with Kevin, he decided it would just be best for us to split up and as I would have assumed he wanted to stay friends which I really don't do. He was clear he didn't want to pursue anything further with me and I was clear I didn't want to stay friends. We parted ways after saying some nice pleasantries and well-wishings of the future. Apparently I'd make an okay boss whenever I become an EA.
Recovering from the split went pretty well for me, especially since I kind of saw this coming. Sadly for me, the bond had already developed as of really before we even met. We clicked well, though after reading things about emotionally unavailable people, that's entirely normal for them to be really outgoing and into the other person. New and exciting I guess? I had my micro-cry on the bus going home after having the initial shock of, wow, I'm single now. Again. My usual status. After I got home, I was a bit sad, had all the chats with my friends about what happened, felt better about it all and the next few days I had come to terms that I'd move forward well and was ready to just pursue my new job and whatever else was to come in my life.
That plan was rather short-lived as Kevin started texting me again. Six days later. We made it six days. Needless to say, I was kind of peeved. Especially since it was horny-bait texts where he wanted to just get off. Under different circumstances, might have been fine but it was exceptionally annoying to me as he wasn't sexual at all when we were 'together' even though by that point it really didn't feel like we were dating at all whatsoever. I told him I wasn't going to entertain those texts but if it's idle chit-chat, sure.
Eventually I just had to be like, dude if this is going to be a daily thing, I can't. I explained I still had a bond with him because those are hard to break, especially being demi and being me. Apparently those were the magic words? I don't know. We're revisiting this again and slowly, but the hyper-sexual stuff is gone again, we haven't done anything in person yet though he has been calling me daily. I told him I want dates and things, we'll take things very slowly. We'll see if we go anywhere at all. There's times where I'll say something that could be an idea of something we can do together and he says nothing to encourage doing it together. 'The only time I'd watch anime is with you', no indication we should watch anime together. None. But talking about a photo of a guy trying to catch a foul ball at a baseball game all while spilling beer on his girlfriend got a 'if we ever go to a game, I'm catching that ball but I may still spill my beer, how do you feel about that?' so I don't know. It's like the interest is kind of there but there's no attempt to connect beyond just calling. Even then, when he calls he'll talk which is cool but when it's my turn to talk he suddenly has to go either answer another call or gets home and proceeds to do home stuff. Not the best feeling.
Definitely will have to have the past talk with him and try to problem solve what to do to help him as well as give him more talk of my past and what I've had to deal with. The initial connection we had was amazing and I want that back and I know he's capable but he's got hang ups. I would like for him to get passed those, even if just for him as a person. I just feel helpless. But, can't help those who aren't willing and I don't know if he's yet willing.
After reading a bit about being continuously attracted to emotionally unavailable people and reading that I hyper-compensate for what I want, IE I do more than I need to fulfill what's lacking, I will be putting in less work until more work on his end is done. Me connecting won't be hard but forcing myself to do more than what I'm getting back isn't fair and I deserve more. Time will tell. It will take a lot of self-control on my part to hold back. But I can do it. I need a healthy relationship for a change and I almost had one. It has potential. I can see it. I think I can see it or maybe it's just a mirage and I'm stuck in the desert?
I had so many things to write about but then I wrote about them, knocked my mouse over and it didn't go back to my draft so I lost all of what I wrote. Eventually I'll get caught up again. I can't even.