Meh
I had an outline for my time on Thursday/Friday but really don't feel motivated to write any of it out. I had wanted to chat with Kevin about a lot of the weekly going ons but with him being sick and at home, his immediate response to anything I messaged, was nothing. If he was on WoW, I -might- get a reply back. We sort of chatted yesterday and he brought up I never call, calling whenever I call just feels intrusive but when other people call me it doesn't. But I'll start working on doing that more. What I don't want to happen is it turning around to me always being the one to call and then he stops reciprocating.
I always message good morning to him and more than half the time I never get a reply. When he gets home, he doesn't tell me and just immediately pops onto WoW and good luck getting his attention. Of course he'll spend time with Xdell which is whatever, I'm glad he has a friend in the guild but to invite me to hang out with him and Xdell was honestly really hurtful and insulting. There wasn't a, I want to spend time with you, it's oh you can tag along.
Asking about the email I sent him showing him my training summary and feedback went unacknowledged. When I asked about if he read it, he said yes. Then pretty much replied with no feedback. Just, were you asking to ensure I got it? Who says that? I took the time to send it to him because it was something I thought I was pretty pleased with and I got nothing back. I feel pretty inferior. I'm doing things right now I haven't ever done before, office work is entirely foreign to me. I'm enjoying learning all of this and want to share it but if it's just going to be disregarded or not shown any interest in, I don't want to share about it. There's no engagement in the topic whatsoever which in kind doesn't make me want to bring it up and talk about it.
Most of the time I feel like a bother when I try to talk to him about things or he just doesn't care or isn't interested in talking about it. When we talk on the phone, I listen to what he has to say and try to understand or acknowledge what he's telling me, it doesn't feel like whenever I get to say things that he listens or lets me talk about it. He doesn't read my journal, not that I write it for him but I was under the impression he would. Asked him to read a particular post and he said he did but he was really vague about it and didn't really discuss it with me, so I guess he read it?
Me expressing that I won't share things was met with 'are you coming after me today?' so I guess I'll just crawl back into the journal. I'm not angry and mad, my feelings are hurt and while I'm sure I'm a bit more emotional because of hormones, it really does hurt my feelings. I can get praise from people I work with just fine and it means something even if a little, but to have what I want to talk about be disregarded by someone I try to care about is painful. I'd rather just not talk about what's going on because it feels like I'm talking to a wall. I want to be able to communicate and talk and have normal conversations but it feels very one-sided. Will it always be this way?
This will pass and I'll just have to get over it. I always do.