My name is Miranda Brown and I like my name. I think when I was younger I was a little disappointed that my real name was Miranda because I was so used to people calling me Missy and I only knew how to write Missy, so for a long time I thought that was my name even though in role call they called out Miranda. But I felt like Missy was my true name, so when I found out that Miranda was my real name, I was a little disappointed, but I got used to it and I really like my name. I've never really thought too deeply about my name though. So what do I think it says about me? I really don't know. I just took the time to look up a few different things my name means, and for the most part is say that my name means beautiful or admirable, and apparently to other people who are named Miranda or who have friends named Miranda, the name to them means "awesomely weird or cool, and short." I honestly wouldn't mind having that definition of my name since I think it fits pretty well. I've always been a little stranger than most and my interests are somewhat unique compared to what is generally "normal" in society. But as for what I think my name says about me: I've always kind of thought that my name was artistic and unique, and yes, sometimes that means being a little goofy and a little odd, which I am. Though there are a lot of Miranda's on tv these days: Miranda Cosgrove from Drake and Josh and whatever show she's got now, Miranda Kerr from Victoria's Secret, Miranda from the cartoon As Told By Ginger, Miranda's are in books, there's that Miranda in that show Sex and the City, which I think is horribly boring, and there's Miranda from [VIDEO GAME], and all of those Miranda's are different and different from me and different from each other. So from what I've seen no one Miranda is the same, and I have never actually met another Miranda meaning that my name is also slightly unpopular among parents or just so well hidden that not many know of it, which does make it and me, in it's own way, unique, different. And if I could pick any other name, it would probably have to be Stefanie, because that's my middle name and the name my older sister wanted me to have and it's closest to my first name because it's right next to it when you write it out.
It might sound a little cheesy, but I think that love is the one thing you need to be happy. I mean, think about it, if you had everything you could possibly want and you were perfect, but your parents never loved you, all the boys or girls you went out with never loved you, you have never been shown love, but you want it and you know it exists, eventually you're bound to turn into one of those cold old bitter people who have never known love. You could have everything, and never know what it's like to love someone and have that love returned. Any form of love. I feel like it's just something that's encoded in our DNA that we need love, even in the smallest, crappiest form of it, we still want it. It's sometimes the reason why people stay in horrible relationships because they love,or think they love, that person and that that person loves them back and they fear they may not ever find it again or find anything better than what they're getting. It seems like love is one of those key components in life. And yes, some people can go without it, but I think I can guarantee that their life will me considerably less awesome without it. From personal experience, it sucks not having it in your life and I seem to be much happier when I can love someone and know that they love me back.
Well, for starters, my mom and my dad are two of the most important people to me. Then next would probably have to be my closest and longest friend Kiara who I trust with anything and everything, and then my boyfriend Brian because I honestly don't know where I'd be without him. And this last one may sound a little silly, but the fifth most important person to me is the singer Josh Groban. No, I've never met him, yes I know a little bit about him, but he has impacted my life and his music has seen me through a lot of hardships that to me just the idea of him is a friend and I get so happy and excited when I see him or hear his music playing somewhere. It's important to me that he's there because he does inspire and affect me in such a great deal. I chose all of these people over all of the other people that I know because two of them have been with me and will try their hardest to be there for me until the day they die, and the other two are people who I trust with everything, who I let see all of me, who I know perfectly and who I care about more than anyone else. And the last, again, is someone that made a huge impact on my life when I was eight years old and he still makes that same impact on me eleven years later. I love all of these people no matter what they do or what they think or what they say. I love them for them, even if they're not perfect. They're some of the most amazing people I know and I want for them, if no one else, to be apart of my life.
Two of my favorite things to do would probably be reading and cooking. Honestly, it was hard to choose just two because I also equally love playing video games and watching Chuck and the Cooking Channel and doing yoga to the best of my ability and writing and spending time with my friends and my family, but I'll stick with those two for now. If I had more time, I think I just might be in hell. I have too much time as it is, especially during breaks. Now, if I had a job, bills to pay, friends to hang out with and then this semester on top of it, then I would need more time, and with that more time, I would probably be reading or cooking or doing yoga to the best of my ability or writing or playing video games or hanging out with my friends and my family or watching my favorite tv shows, maybe I'd take a walk around the block just for the hell of it or try my hand at making and most likely failing to make hot chocolate from scratch again.
I think I'm proudest in the strength of my morals. I'm really open minded with most things, but if it's something that I see as immoral and just downright idiotic, then I will most likely think less of that person. Not a great deal less, but just a little less. The reason why I'm proud of my strength in my morals is because I got these morals from seeing people do things that hurt them or other people or kills them or other people, they're things I see absolutely no longstanding good in, so they're logical morals for the most part and I feel like I have every right to them and to stick by them, but not only that, if someone attacks them, I have examples to back most of them up that maybe won't work to convince other people of them--which I really don't want to do, they're my morals, I'd like to keep them that way, you go find your own--but maybe it will show them that I have my reasons for believing in what I believe in.
So far my greatest joy has been the last day of junior year of high school. That was honestly hands down the best day of my entire life. I had never been happier and I never wanted it to end, but it was such a natural high that lasted for weeks, but the actual day was amazing. We took our finals and my and my two closest friends at the time were super giddy and extremely hopeful and excited and the sun was out, it was one of those perfect hot days, and we drove in their cars and screamed and yelled and cheered, "WE'RE SENIORS! WE'RE SENIORS!" and we smiled and blasted the music and sang to it so loud and off key until we got to my friend's pool where we invited a couple of people over and we played chicken in the pool and then we went to her house and dried off and watched anime's and took pictures and we talked all night long about everything. It was the most perfect day. It was so full of so many things, so much hope, so much light, we felt invicible, we felt incredible, we felt like time would never start again and we would be that perfect forever and everything would be that perfect forever. it was the most incredible day of my life and the one that I will never forget.
Hm, what does make me feel sexy? I guess what could make me feel sexy is when I'm wearing a bra and pants and that's it and I look at myself in the mirror and go, "damn I'm sexy" in my head. Or sometimes when I do something that makes my boyfriend go, "OH MY GOD," then I guess you could say I feel sexy. Or sometimes if I decide to wear a skirt, which is very rare, because my boyfriend says my legs are sexy and every girl would be jealous and every guy would want me and I say bullshit, but the compliment makes me feel nice, and when I wear skirts sometimes I'm self conscious and other times I feel kinda sexy. It depends on the skirt really. Otherwise I don't think I feel sexy too often, but I don't mind, cause I'd much rather feel comfortable than sexy.
My biggest pet peeve would have to be my brother and his lazy manipulative ass and how he constantly takes advantage of my mom's money and her car and everything else, but mostly how she lets him. She tells me that she will never trust him with her car or her card again, and then what does she do a week later? She lets him take both because he wants to take his girlfriend out to a movie, but then he ends up driving all over southern California to visit all of his friends and pick them up when they need rides and drive them everywhere, and then he goes to see his girlfriend. Also we have a contract to kick him out in february if he doesn't either have a full time job, a part time job and a part time school schedule, or a full time school schedule. So far, he has one class that our grandfather paid for, supplies that our mother paid for, and a really risky job that will most likely not work that my dad found for him. it doesn't explicitly say in the contract that you can't have other people help you on this, it's mainly inferred, but even then he's not paying for those classes and he's not the one that went out and got that job. So if you look at it from the terms of what the contract should be, he's not doing shit, he's having it done for him and playing it off like he's doing it. Not only that, but my mom decided to let him stay an extra two months to give him a chance. He's had years of chances. I would say he's about done with chances. So in general I guess you could say my pet peeve are people who manipulate others in a negative way, and the people who let them.
The event in my life that made the biggest difference to my way of living now was moving to Costa Mesa to go to OCC. It made such a big difference because I had always lived in Aliso Viejo and it was familiar to me, but here I'm closer to where my mom's family is, and we live in a slightly larger apartment though it's honestly sometimes worse in condition and neighbors than the other apartment complex we were in. Also, I was used to seeing my friends 5 days a week and here I don't see them at all cause they all either go to Saddleack, Fullerton, UCI, IVC or someplace out of state, and I happened to start dating Brian about a month after I moved. So I kind of lost friends, I went somewhere new and unfamiliar where I knew no one, and I got a boyfriend. Also, because I moved in with my mom I lost thirty pounds in about 3 months. I assume it's because she doesn't keep as many sweets as my dad does at his house and I used to go to his house every day after school even if I wasn't with him half the week. Oh, and I changed my hair cut again. So, I kind of became a new person just by moving to a new place to start school because so many other things came and went with it.
"When I want to run away, I drive off in my car," or so Peter Gabriel does. Me on the other hand, I like to read books, or I write either by myself or with a few choice people online though something called Versailles RPG, a site my friend created. It's like interactive writing, or improvisational acting through text online. It's quite fun and you get a chance to be someone else in a different place and a different time and meet these different people who you're able to talk with OOC [out of character] with no pressure to give away your name or any personal details. They're not needed and most people prefer not to give out personal information. Or I escape though music, of course. I go upstairs and put on my headphones and lay flat on th carpet and close my eyes or stare at the slanted ceiling and just listen to the music and sometimes sing along, at least in my head. Or I can escape by watching certain movies that I like or shows and following someone else's life. Food(ography) is a good show to watch because it's the history of certain foods, but it's extremely interesting and it's never boring. You know because it's not on the history channel, it's on the cooking channel, which means it's just that much more fun. Unless history is your thing like it is one of my friend's, in which case it might be more boring. Even just walking I can escape. Or having a really good conversation with someone, that's a get away too.
Well, for starters, I'm on the computer far too often than I think I really should be. Yes, I do check my facebook, but I'm not on the computer for facebook, I'm on it for MSN messenger, just in case anyone wants to talk, but while I'm waiting for someone to starta a conversation I'm looking at art of deviantart.com and I'm rping on Versailles or I'm playing little computer games you can find online, like worldofsolitaire.com or I'm on live journal writing anything and everything. Another one could be that I tend to procrastinate occasionally when it comes to reading text books for classes because even the most interesting text book is still boring to me. I think it's mainly because it's not a book that I chose, so I'm not too interested in it even though it's necessary for the class, but it might not be the book I would prefer to learn from, so I lose the interest and then it takes me longer to read or I forget about reading it because I secretly really don't want to. I think the last one would be that I tend to give up easily when it comes to certain things, most things. For instance, getting a job: sure, I fill out the application and I call the person, but once I stop calling the person, I will most likely never call again unless I apply again. Also, most times when they tell me, "we're not hiring right now, but we'll call you if we get an opening," all I can think is yeah right and I just give up on getting that job and I stop calling. That might be the worst habit right now since a job is what I need
gg
So far my greatest shame would be that I'm not the person my parents wanted me to be. I have no car, I have no license, I have no job, I don't have friends I can hang out with, I don't tell them every juicy little thing about my life, I'm pretty quiet for the most part, I don't have the fashion sense most people think a nineteen year old should have by now, but I think jeans and a t-shirt is a comfortable enough fashion statement to make when you're a full time student with no money. I feel most ashamed when I think about where I am right now and compare it to where most people are thinking I should be right now. People think I should be going to a giant university by now, that I should be driving my own car, that I should be dressing like people on runways or the mannequins in Forever 21, that I should be paying for my own place right now and not living with my mom. News flash: I'm only nineteen, my twenty two year old boyfriend still lives with his parents and my twenty four year old sister and her husband live with us still; also, it's tough getting a job right now and I've really been trying--until they tell me no, they're not hiring--for the past year to get a job; and my parents told me when I was sixteen, seventeen and finally eighteen that I didn't need to get a job, that they didn't understand why I didn't want to drive, but that it meant they didn't have to pay for it at least, and they they wanted me to focus on school. I did what they said, and suddenly I turn nineteen and I need to have everything figured out for myself and for them. I feel ashamed of all of this because I'm not where everyone else was at my age. I feel like I'm behind, like I'm the slow one, like God and the world is against me. I have always been a little bit slower than other people though, I learn things at a slower pace and I had my first boyfriend at seventeen while all my other friends had their first boyfriend when they were twelve, and when people knew all about sex and all that slang, I sat there thinking what the hell are you saying, what does that mean? It makes me feel embarrassed and it makes me unconfident and it makes me feel like I'm not as worthy as other people are and that I'm a burden.
The thing I feel I lost that was really important to me was my friendship with Jaime. Technically you could say that I never really knew him. We met in fourth grade when he moved here, but then I went to a different school and we met again in eighth grade, and in ninth grade we both liked each other but we were never officially a couple and we never did anything I imagine a couple would do like hold hands and kiss and snuggle and stuff. So while we were both technically off limits because we liked each other and we both knew we liked each other, we never did anything to make it official. And then one day he disappeared and I found out that he really was there, he was just avoiding me. Half of sophomore year I was pissed at him for not explaining things to me and not 'breaking up' with me properly, but I never faced him even though I was really confused. And then the summer between sophomore and junior year he moved to Amsterdam, Netherlands and he's been there ever since. But I started talking to him again online and we would share everything and anything with each other and maybe I mistook it for us being close, but it at least felt like we were. I felt like he was my best friend. And then he got a girlfriend and disappeared and then reappeared when their toxic relationship finally ended, but he came back a completely different person. He wasn't happy anymore, he drank liters and liters of alcohol at least four times a week, he was doing horribly in school, he was wanting to have sex with all these strange girls just to try to get over his ex, he started cutting himself, he lit himself on fire once, he was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, and the Jaime that I was close with didn't do any of that at all. I guess he just gave in, but he became someone completely different and someone I couldn't trust or like or share my secrets with anymore, and while I wanted to be there for him, I didn't know how anymore. So we ended up not talking as much and then that not talking as much turned into not talking at all. But every now and then I hear from him, or I message him to ask him if he's played the new video game that just came out over here or not. He's engaged to a friend of a friend of mine now who lives out here and goes to Fullerton and he's planning on coming out here this summer. But I miss the friendship we used to have, even as crumbly as it was.
The biggest lie I've ever told would have to be that I won't regret telling my boyfriend how my dad was with us when we were kids. My boyfriend hates my dad for things he did in the past that he doesn't do anymore, he hates the dad who is not the dad he is now--which is a much better dad now than before--and honestly I do wish that I hadn't told him, because now he hates my dad, and my dad found out so now my dad hates my boyfriend and I don't know how to fix the mess. If there's one thing I regret, it's that; if there's one lie big enough to fill this category, it's that I don't regret it.
Well, unfortunately I have many fears, like spiders and heights, but let's go a little deeper. My biggest fear would have to be being a burden to everyone I know. I've always loved the idea of not ever having a real job, of being one of those people who just goes around having odd jobs here and there because they want to and either painting or writing on the side, really having many skills that might not be perfected, but they're still there in some way. Or I've always liked the idea of living with someone but taking care of them while I write all day or something, kind of like the stay at home wife sort, but maybe a little more fun and productive. Honestly, I think I'm good at cleaning houses, but I don't want to clean anyone's house but my own. And I'm afraid of getting a job while going to school and becoming super busy and really tired and always being in a bad mood like my mom and sister are all the time and not having enough time to do the homework and studying I need to efficiently and not having enough time to relax, even for an hour, or to see my boyfriend who I rarely get to see and rarely get to talk to anyway because he's busy himself with school and running his own business. You could say that I fear change a little bit, but because I fear change, it means I don't want to change, but if I don't change then I think I would become a burden on the people I love and I fear that the most above all these other fears that I have underneath.
This is a tough one because all the memories I don't want I have pretty much already erased. I don't remember the majority of my childhood, there's just things here and there that I remember, and when I say childhood I mean between the ages of when I was born to probably about highschool. I really don't remember kindergarten, or elementary school, or middle school, and from high school I only remember a few things like that I liked Jaime and that he told me we had met in elementary school and I knew it was true because I looked him up in my fourth grade year book and we were in the same class, or that Javier asked me to be his girlfriend on Halloween sophomore year, and that my friend's boyfriend threatened to kill me and that I stopped hanging out with a certain group of people because they got into drugs and that's when I started to hang out with Stefani and Erica. I would have to remember something to forget it, it would probably be this one kid's party where I surprised everyone by eating a whole pizza by myself. That party was pretty boring and I wouldn't mind losing the memory of it, so that would have to be it.
If I could relive a single day, I would relive the last day of junior year, which I described earlier. I would want to re-experience the whole day and not change a single thing, but if it was something like I was going back in time and reliving it conscious that it would only be for the day and then I have to go back to my own time once it's all done, I think I'd try to remember every detail of everything that happened and try to remember it better the second time around. And again, I would want to relive it because it was the best day of my life.
I think the biggest misconception about me is that I'm a prude. I have somewhat strong opinions on most things, and especially things that are important to me, but I'm also really shy and nervous when I talk to strangers so I say very little, which some people might take as me being maybe a little rude. I know for a fact that when I'm at a gathering or something that when I'm sitting down and not doing much, just watching people, that I either look mean or I look sad, but honestly I'm not. I'm not mean unless you're mean to me and I'm not sad unless something bad is happening in my life, but I've noticed that most the time I am pretty positive. And I think people have that misconception about me, because they tell me what they thought and I show them something different.
In this life time, I want others to be happy, I want them to experience everything that's good and limit their bad things, but I think you need to know the bad things in order to appreciate the good things, and I want people to educate themselves and find what's right for them even if it's not right for others, and I want them to be confident and eccentric and wacky and I want them to have fun and enjoy life and be able to sit tight through the hard times and not take for granted the goods, and I want them to learn and love and just be who they are. I think everyone deserves a good life.