I think I might be mental.

Sep 29, 2008 16:04

I'm going through a really manic phase right now. I can literally go from an almost euphoric state of mind to being frantic and almost panicked at the drop of a hat.

I know some of it is just the simple fact that the life I'm living is in a state of utter chaos. I'm a control freak so having pretty much NO control over anything happening right now is extremely hard for me mentally. Sometimes I catch myself holding my breath for no apparent reason.

Jaundice and I will be married nine years on Thursday. Dude. That's such a huge thing to me. For lots of reasons of course but considering my family history and all we've been through together it should be celebrated as a fucking national holiday. :P Sometimes I look at him and wonder why the hell he stays with me. I know we're not what each of us would have picked if we could have had any pick of the litter. I can honestly say there has been a point in my marriage where I thought I had settled for the first thing that came along. And sometimes I think I got really damn lucky.

What's crazier is that sometimes I wonder if he'd stay with me if he knew just how many problems I have that I hide from him. He knows very little about what I went through with mom's church shit. I can't tell him because he, along with 99.9% of the people I know, can't understand. When I was 15 years old I was basically told I was going to hell for being a normal teenager and that the only way I could escape that fate was to live by insanely invasive and strict principles. I dunno why I was weak minded enough to buy into all of the things I was told but I was. I used to wake up at night panting and shaking everytime the trains blew their horns because of things they had told me about the end of the world. I'm so ashamed of that. What bothers me more is that sometimes I still feel like I'm on the wrong side. I'm terrified of dying. Beyond normal terror. I'd rather travel by plane than car because of the statistics. Really pathetic huh?

I've been feeling very anti-social lately. I don't answer my phone even when I know who is calling sometimes because I don't want to force conversation. What's even worse is that I find reasons not to like my friends. I'm highly critical of the people around me even though I don't want them to do that to me. I guess some of that anti-social behavior is that I hate faking it. Hate faking interest, hate faking caring what someone has to say, hate faking agreement about things when I don't want to argue a point with someone. ugh.

I suppose that's part of why online friends work better for me. We don't have to discuss where to have lunch or things of that nature. My one friend I have here is a great person but sometimes she is pushy about things. I've always been a push-over. Example: We were in Walmart a couple weeks ago and I was scoping their books looking for a couple of new titles I thought they might have I wanted to review. My friend recently read this book called The Shack and insists I need to read it. She's recently found a relationship with God which I respect but I don't want one. She thinks this book will help me with the feelings I have about God so I went and read some reviews of it after the first time she brought it up. The reviews told me what I had already thought; there is no way in heck I'll like this book. But there was the damn thing on the shelf and my friend hands it to me and says "you have to get this". *sigh* I gave up and just bought it. I figured I'd wait a while and just skim it enough to tell her I read it and then let her have it. I read to be entertained not to be preached at and I have no interest in this! Why didn't I just tell her I really didn't want to read it let alone buy it? Because I didn't want to argue with her because she's pushy enough she would have made it an issue.

I have a lot of stuff I want to get done this week. I forgot I was needed to volunteer today and tomorrow. I did some of the windows and screens today, laundry and garbage. I also went through Miss Moo's clothes and sorted out two bags to send home to her moms. It's a long story I don't want to write about but suffice it to say last weekend was a HUGE drama fest with her mother and she won't be coming to visit us again for a very long time. I hate watching my husband go through this. Worse, I hate playing middle man, mediator, with them. I see and know what it is like to be on their sides and on Miss Moo's. I don't want to go through it again. I went through it as a kid enough.

As far as stuff around the house goes... I got some big things done but I really wish I had the patience/motivation to do more. Jaundice is a fucking pack-rat way worse than I am. I go through my boxes of paperwork and stuff every 3 months. I get a bag out for trash and everything else gets filed away as needed. I go through my magazines and pull out any recipes, articles or whatever that I would like to read again. Jaundice boxes everything up and shoves it in a corner. There could be papers and stuff he could throw away (receipts, old schedules, etc) but he doesn't even bother. At the moment there are four such boxes in Monk's room, two in our bedroom and two in the kitchen. None of that includes his fishtanks.

Annnnd I put my foot down. He's taken up one shelf of my bookshelf for his old Playboys & Maxim's. I have no problem with him reading girly mags... as long as he gets rid of them periodically. I mean if he wanted to keep a special issue with someone in it he's a big fan of or whatever I don't mind a few lingering in a box in storage to be cool vintage stuff when we're older but right now I have five years worth of them piled up in my room. I told him he goes through them or I do. I think I might bring them all out tonight and hold each one up and ask him if it's a keeper or a tosser. Maybe that would help. It'd be a compromise at least. I mean I wanna throw it all away but I also don't want to trash something he wanted to keep. I would hate if he did that to me!

Well... I have a book I need to review. One I need to start reading to be reviewed by next weekend. One that is an audiobook I also need to review by next weekend. My desk needs cleaning like a mofo. I have a file-cabinet we just got that I need to move files into and yeah I'm due for that every three months thing. I have towels to fold and I want to finish washing screens. I can't forget my volunteer thing tomorrow! And I want to start my Halloween decorating on Wednesday... and I'm thinking of starting a reading journal... not on LJ but I figured the first is a good day to get started.

Anyways... I just needed to sit down and "talk" about all this stuff that's been bothering me or just on my mind. There's tons more things I could write about but I need to go and get house chores done so I can relax and read.

kids, cleaning, stress, reading, drama, friends, marriage

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