Beer, Washington Apple, Margarita, LI IT, RumPineapple Rumpineapple Rumpineapple Rumpineapple...
I didn't tell you all about spending the day in the city, but I got distracted. I walked down the market like I lived there (the way that Mom walks in New York, but more suited to Seattle). I talked with strangers. I ate anything and everything that a street vendor offered to me, including but not limited to flavored jellies (like garlic, wine, and hot pepper), honeycrisp apples, chocolate fettuccine, blueberry syrup, honeycomb, and potato leek soup with white truffle oil. I bought a ring as a souvenir, a one-of-a-kind piece. The old man that makes them does them all by hand using wax: he lights a candle, and as the wax melts he draws the pattern he finds there in the wax. Using that pattern, he makes a cast of his design and then pours the silver: the piece I chose caught my eye, and it has very organic lines. I picked it up and put it on the ring finger of my right hand, and it fit perfectly. Its now my reminder of my time in Seattle :).
After walking the market my neighbor Sam and I went to Kell's Irish Pub, which was incredible! It wasn't incredible for the food or the patrons or the place itself, but for the BUILDING. I had seen Ghost Adventures on the travel channel 2 nights before, and they were in Seattle at Kell's Irish Pub! The building was formerly the city's first mortuary, and the owner was corrupt: he took any body that came his way, including the victims of unsolved murders - each body went into the incinerator, covering up any number of crimes. He also gave a fee for delivered bodies, and many miners were killed simply for the price of their corpses. This building is very haunted, and Sam and I had a good time relaxing at the end of day drinking and looking for ghosts at the bar.
Today is now Monday, and this is Halloween - though the aftermath of my Halloween weekend. We (Megan, Ben, and I) spent the weekend at Ben's place that he keeps in Anacortes with his marine buddy Trey, though Ben doesn't really live there. Ben pretty much lives here in Mill Creek with Megan, which is what made the first week here pretty rough- I'm a third wheel with him here unintentionally, it just changes the dynamic. Megan and I are great together though when its just the two of us; we go on walks, and she drunkenly confessed how much she loves having me here and its a real help to her to have a friend and she doesn't want me to leave and says please come back after the holidays.
Trey is a pilot like Ben, and we were joined by their friend Jeremy in the afternoon. We made pizza from scratch (theres a recipe online for pizza hut crust) and had a few beers. The guys drank the stout that Trey brewed but us girls had bottled beer; I don't think I really enjoy stout all that much. They watch a show called Hung, about a male call guy where they run a call business called "Happiness Consultants." Its basically a porno, and it makes me sad- I didn't realize at first that it was the show because I do have things to be sad about, but I learned that watching this show compounds sadness, or amplifies it, or whatever you'd like to call it, and then I end up crying about what makes me sad rather than being able to deal with it at a functional level.
Why is that our entertainment? HBO is not "forward-thinking" or "bold" or "progressive," it is at a moral level lower than what I am comfortable with and that is not to be praised. Most of what I am sad about is the loss of someone that is like me, and it being my fault that he's gone. I am kicking myself over that. Chelsea you would know this. I was mean to Wes, and hard on him, and demanding, and overbearing this summer. I didn't know I was doing it at the time, but it doesn't excuse doing it. I could have done a lot of things differently. Wes is not excused either - he didn't share with me what was going on for him, and not communicating is a terrible thing in a relationship. He also wasn't strong enough to stick out the rough patch. I pushed at him more because he was distant, he was more distant because I was pushing at him, and it was a terrible jumble of each of us doing hurtful things to the other and not knowing we were doing it (and therefore unable to address it) until it was too late. "Too late" being that Wes stopped looking for ways to fix and just wanted out. I am mad at him for that, but I can't MAKE him grow and realize what is important... and neither can he, not really. You grow when you grow, and he hasn't yet. But we both love each other- I question it when I'm at my weakest points(and sometimes at my average points), but I think he does love me. Looking at what caused us to split, I'm upset with God:
: I pushed heavy commitment (engagement marriage etc) on a guy who was not emotionally ready for it, the worst that I could have done, even though it was US I wanted happy together, not ENGAGEMENT NOW type thing. He tried for months to stick it out while I did this.
: I was so distraught with this summer that I didn't know I was doing it to Wes and couldn't stop it, even though I would have done everything I could to stop hurting someone I love.
: This summer was to live with Chelsea, which is a good thing because we are identical twins and deserve to have that time together, and instead of it being a great time in our lives we were hit on all sides by terrible things and bad circumstances.
: Wes lived with his parents this summer because even if its strained he does care about them and wanted to see his parents before he left which is a good thing, but no: he is living with his parents whose relationship is one of a controlling prideful woman and a man who takes it, but they make it look like everything is great between them and so they're not actually emotionally close and connected, and this is what Wes has grown up with.
: With the distance and how it was rough for me this summer pressing in on him, I was something else attacking him rather than a safe haven for him, and he started to see me like his mother rather than refreshingly different from her. I'm out of my bad situation now and can see all this. He's still in his.
: Usually one person is in a disastrous situation and the other person can be understanding and be a rock for them, but this summer both Wes and I were in the worst situations both for each of us and for the other to deal with, respectively.
I also feel like we are really right for each other, but I don't know if things can be repaired with what happened and where they are now. He isn't ready for a relationship, he has a lot of growing to do, and that can't be helped - you grow when you grow, and its really really upsetting because I feel like everything that has happened to us is all timing and/or out of our control. I also don't feel like these difficulties are divine evidence that we aren't supposed to be, or something like that: instead, I feel like we're being toyed with. I'm pretty mad at God for it.
I want to tell him this when I talk to him next: it was right for me to call him when I found out about Grandma being in the hospital(which I did, and basically said "I'm sorry I shouldn't have called"), completely within my rights. I love him, and he loves me. We don't get along because we are broken up - that is arbitrary, and doesn't affect how we relate to each other. We get along because of us, not what you call what we have together. It is easy for us to talk because our friendship has always been there, and we had finally discussed what was going on between us. Thats where we're at - he's not ready for a relationship and I understand it, but it doesn't change that we love each other. I'm hoping this will keep our relationship from being somewhat awkward whenever something comes up that shows that we have something more between us than a friendship: like that hes who I would want to talk to when my grandmother is sick, or that its me he shares his worries about his mother and grandmother with. I'm hoping I'm not wrong to think that he loves me.
This weekend was kind of crazy. We started with movies and beer, but at the second movie we began carving pumpkins. Mine was really cute with a classic jack o lantern face, and then there was one pumpkin left. No one wanted to carve it, so I did. I found a picture of a cool jack o lantern online, so I copied it and drew my own rendition. It was a scarecrow ghost thing, and it ended up looking pretty awesome. We lit the jackolanterns on the front porch and then took pictures by them :). Around midnight we finished our last movie and decided to go out... in costume. Megan had several with her, and I ended up being a cowgirl. The costume was the most risque Halloween costume I have ever worn, but I didn't really mind this year - I wanted a costume and this was my option - plus my hips looked really good in it.
Megan was Raggedy Ann, the most adorable costume with the high stockings. The five of us (me, Megan, Ben, Trey, and Jeremy) went out to Brown, the local bar, where I enjoyed a Washington Apple drink. It was pretty dead, so we went one block down to the Waterfront, a bar you could dance at. I had so much fun! It was like being back in college again.
You know how you dance with someone you know in order to get rid of guys you don't who are trying to dance up on you? I danced with Jeremy who was right in front of me to get rid of some other guy, but when the other guy left Jeremy kept trying to dance with me close. Uh, NO! I wasn't particularly fond of this guy. Later I danced with Trey instead, and with Megan. Here at this place, Megan and I had Long Island Iced Teas. Back at the house, the party kept on going. We put on music, poured more drinks, and actually ended up dancing in the living room. Screwdrivers in martini glasses were flowing for Megan while my drink of choice was spiced rum and pineapples; I have no idea what the guys were making for themselves. At one point Megan decided we should switch costumes and held out her leg with a "here, have a sock!" There are now pictures somewhere on Megan's camera of me in cowgirl outfit, one boot, one thigh high red striped stocking, and Raggedy Anne's rag doll cap sitting on the kitchen floor with a Raggedy Anne Megan wearing a single cowboy boot and the hat from my costume.
Megan dragged me outside for a drunken heart to heart which I actually enjoyed - she told me she loved having me there and wished I were staying, and that she didn't care about rent or utilities or anything but having me come back after the holidays. Jeremy showed up to bring more drinks, which I refused and went inside to make my own - I don't like rum and coke particularly, especially diet. Apparently during this time Jeremy asked Megan what my story was, and she said I wasn't really available and he shouldn't try anything. A later hour still found me, Jeremy, Trey, and Megan in the kitchen discussing the tough life of a military girl (Megan was having a hard time missing her family and having given up her dream job in WV), and we both decided we disliked Jeremy.
Then the night got even weirder. Megan and Trey went upstairs, and Jeremy tried to kiss me. Absolutely not. I told him sorry but I have a someone; he went to sleep in the living room and I stood by the fire for a little while longer. At this moment Megan comes downstairs to the bathroom, and informs me "I threw up." I told her I know, and to feel better. Then began the naked marine parade.
...
...
...
you heard me right. The naked marine parade. A parade of naked marines. Ben followed Megan down the stairs about a minute behind her, completely stark naked. What should have been a terribly awkward conversation enfolded thus, with me most obviously standing by the fireplace: "hey, Ben." "hey."
It seems he was helping Megan when she got sick and needed to get cleaned off before he could put anything on- though why he was naked the next 3 times he went up and down the stairs, I really can't say. Behind him follows Trey wearing nothing but his boxers, into the kitchen and then bathroom already occupied by sick Megan and naked Ben. I expected to hear some exclamation from Trey, but the conversation I overheard (I was now curled up in my lounge chair) from the kitchen was completely ordinary; "hows she feeling?" "Oh not too great, she got sick and now shes not feeling so good." "Ah, yeah. Well shes doing whats best." "Yeah." followed by mundane kitchen noises like clinking glasses and shutting cabinets. What the?
The next morning, we all commented on the crazy night. I don't think Jeremy remembered trying to kiss me because he wasn't abashed at all, and asked me to go to breakfast with him. ... No! Even if he doesn't remember trying to just go for a kiss, he does know that I was not available. Plus... well, not to be mean but we are not in the same categories and it was quite entitled of him to think he had a chance. He left. Megan Trey Ben and I had sausages and pancakes, and I refrained from asking "so, do you two spend a lot of time naked together?"
Back in Mill Creek, we all slept most of the day... that weird Halloween Saturday lasted until 6 am.
I forgot to say! In the middle of dancing around, Megan and I ran outside in our one boot/one sock costumes to chase a deer in the yard that Megan wanted to hug.
After walking the market my neighbor Sam and I went to Kell's Irish Pub, which was incredible! It wasn't incredible for the food or the patrons or the place itself, but for the BUILDING. I had seen Ghost Adventures on the travel channel 2 nights before, and they were in Seattle at Kell's Irish Pub! The building was formerly the city's first mortuary, and the owner was corrupt: he took any body that came his way, including the victims of unsolved murders - each body went into the incinerator, covering up any number of crimes. He also gave a fee for delivered bodies, and many miners were killed simply for the price of their corpses. This building is very haunted, and Sam and I had a good time relaxing at the end of day drinking and looking for ghosts at the bar.
Today is now Monday, and this is Halloween - though the aftermath of my Halloween weekend. We (Megan, Ben, and I) spent the weekend at Ben's place that he keeps in Anacortes with his marine buddy Trey, though Ben doesn't really live there. Ben pretty much lives here in Mill Creek with Megan, which is what made the first week here pretty rough- I'm a third wheel with him here unintentionally, it just changes the dynamic. Megan and I are great together though when its just the two of us; we go on walks, and she drunkenly confessed how much she loves having me here and its a real help to her to have a friend and she doesn't want me to leave and says please come back after the holidays.
Trey is a pilot like Ben, and we were joined by their friend Jeremy in the afternoon. We made pizza from scratch (theres a recipe online for pizza hut crust) and had a few beers. The guys drank the stout that Trey brewed but us girls had bottled beer; I don't think I really enjoy stout all that much. They watch a show called Hung, about a male call guy where they run a call business called "Happiness Consultants." Its basically a porno, and it makes me sad- I didn't realize at first that it was the show because I do have things to be sad about, but I learned that watching this show compounds sadness, or amplifies it, or whatever you'd like to call it, and then I end up crying about what makes me sad rather than being able to deal with it at a functional level.
Why is that our entertainment? HBO is not "forward-thinking" or "bold" or "progressive," it is at a moral level lower than what I am comfortable with and that is not to be praised. Most of what I am sad about is the loss of someone that is like me, and it being my fault that he's gone. I am kicking myself over that. Chelsea you would know this. I was mean to Wes, and hard on him, and demanding, and overbearing this summer. I didn't know I was doing it at the time, but it doesn't excuse doing it. I could have done a lot of things differently. Wes is not excused either - he didn't share with me what was going on for him, and not communicating is a terrible thing in a relationship. He also wasn't strong enough to stick out the rough patch. I pushed at him more because he was distant, he was more distant because I was pushing at him, and it was a terrible jumble of each of us doing hurtful things to the other and not knowing we were doing it (and therefore unable to address it) until it was too late. "Too late" being that Wes stopped looking for ways to fix and just wanted out. I am mad at him for that, but I can't MAKE him grow and realize what is important... and neither can he, not really. You grow when you grow, and he hasn't yet. But we both love each other- I question it when I'm at my weakest points(and sometimes at my average points), but I think he does love me. Looking at what caused us to split, I'm upset with God:
: I pushed heavy commitment (engagement marriage etc) on a guy who was not emotionally ready for it, the worst that I could have done, even though it was US I wanted happy together, not ENGAGEMENT NOW type thing. He tried for months to stick it out while I did this.
: I was so distraught with this summer that I didn't know I was doing it to Wes and couldn't stop it, even though I would have done everything I could to stop hurting someone I love.
: This summer was to live with Chelsea, which is a good thing because we are identical twins and deserve to have that time together, and instead of it being a great time in our lives we were hit on all sides by terrible things and bad circumstances.
: Wes lived with his parents this summer because even if its strained he does care about them and wanted to see his parents before he left which is a good thing, but no: he is living with his parents whose relationship is one of a controlling prideful woman and a man who takes it, but they make it look like everything is great between them and so they're not actually emotionally close and connected, and this is what Wes has grown up with.
: With the distance and how it was rough for me this summer pressing in on him, I was something else attacking him rather than a safe haven for him, and he started to see me like his mother rather than refreshingly different from her. I'm out of my bad situation now and can see all this. He's still in his.
: Usually one person is in a disastrous situation and the other person can be understanding and be a rock for them, but this summer both Wes and I were in the worst situations both for each of us and for the other to deal with, respectively.
I also feel like we are really right for each other, but I don't know if things can be repaired with what happened and where they are now. He isn't ready for a relationship, he has a lot of growing to do, and that can't be helped - you grow when you grow, and its really really upsetting because I feel like everything that has happened to us is all timing and/or out of our control. I also don't feel like these difficulties are divine evidence that we aren't supposed to be, or something like that: instead, I feel like we're being toyed with. I'm pretty mad at God for it.
I want to tell him this when I talk to him next: it was right for me to call him when I found out about Grandma being in the hospital(which I did, and basically said "I'm sorry I shouldn't have called"), completely within my rights. I love him, and he loves me. We don't get along because we are broken up - that is arbitrary, and doesn't affect how we relate to each other. We get along because of us, not what you call what we have together. It is easy for us to talk because our friendship has always been there, and we had finally discussed what was going on between us. Thats where we're at - he's not ready for a relationship and I understand it, but it doesn't change that we love each other. I'm hoping this will keep our relationship from being somewhat awkward whenever something comes up that shows that we have something more between us than a friendship: like that hes who I would want to talk to when my grandmother is sick, or that its me he shares his worries about his mother and grandmother with. I'm hoping I'm not wrong to think that he loves me.
This weekend was kind of crazy. We started with movies and beer, but at the second movie we began carving pumpkins. Mine was really cute with a classic jack o lantern face, and then there was one pumpkin left. No one wanted to carve it, so I did. I found a picture of a cool jack o lantern online, so I copied it and drew my own rendition. It was a scarecrow ghost thing, and it ended up looking pretty awesome. We lit the jackolanterns on the front porch and then took pictures by them :). Around midnight we finished our last movie and decided to go out... in costume. Megan had several with her, and I ended up being a cowgirl. The costume was the most risque Halloween costume I have ever worn, but I didn't really mind this year - I wanted a costume and this was my option - plus my hips looked really good in it.
Megan was Raggedy Ann, the most adorable costume with the high stockings. The five of us (me, Megan, Ben, Trey, and Jeremy) went out to Brown, the local bar, where I enjoyed a Washington Apple drink. It was pretty dead, so we went one block down to the Waterfront, a bar you could dance at. I had so much fun! It was like being back in college again.
You know how you dance with someone you know in order to get rid of guys you don't who are trying to dance up on you? I danced with Jeremy who was right in front of me to get rid of some other guy, but when the other guy left Jeremy kept trying to dance with me close. Uh, NO! I wasn't particularly fond of this guy. Later I danced with Trey instead, and with Megan. Here at this place, Megan and I had Long Island Iced Teas. Back at the house, the party kept on going. We put on music, poured more drinks, and actually ended up dancing in the living room. Screwdrivers in martini glasses were flowing for Megan while my drink of choice was spiced rum and pineapples; I have no idea what the guys were making for themselves. At one point Megan decided we should switch costumes and held out her leg with a "here, have a sock!" There are now pictures somewhere on Megan's camera of me in cowgirl outfit, one boot, one thigh high red striped stocking, and Raggedy Anne's rag doll cap sitting on the kitchen floor with a Raggedy Anne Megan wearing a single cowboy boot and the hat from my costume.
Megan dragged me outside for a drunken heart to heart which I actually enjoyed - she told me she loved having me there and wished I were staying, and that she didn't care about rent or utilities or anything but having me come back after the holidays. Jeremy showed up to bring more drinks, which I refused and went inside to make my own - I don't like rum and coke particularly, especially diet. Apparently during this time Jeremy asked Megan what my story was, and she said I wasn't really available and he shouldn't try anything. A later hour still found me, Jeremy, Trey, and Megan in the kitchen discussing the tough life of a military girl (Megan was having a hard time missing her family and having given up her dream job in WV), and we both decided we disliked Jeremy.
Then the night got even weirder. Megan and Trey went upstairs, and Jeremy tried to kiss me. Absolutely not. I told him sorry but I have a someone; he went to sleep in the living room and I stood by the fire for a little while longer. At this moment Megan comes downstairs to the bathroom, and informs me "I threw up." I told her I know, and to feel better. Then began the naked marine parade.
...
...
...
you heard me right. The naked marine parade. A parade of naked marines. Ben followed Megan down the stairs about a minute behind her, completely stark naked. What should have been a terribly awkward conversation enfolded thus, with me most obviously standing by the fireplace: "hey, Ben." "hey."
It seems he was helping Megan when she got sick and needed to get cleaned off before he could put anything on- though why he was naked the next 3 times he went up and down the stairs, I really can't say. Behind him follows Trey wearing nothing but his boxers, into the kitchen and then bathroom already occupied by sick Megan and naked Ben. I expected to hear some exclamation from Trey, but the conversation I overheard (I was now curled up in my lounge chair) from the kitchen was completely ordinary; "hows she feeling?" "Oh not too great, she got sick and now shes not feeling so good." "Ah, yeah. Well shes doing whats best." "Yeah." followed by mundane kitchen noises like clinking glasses and shutting cabinets. What the?
The next morning, we all commented on the crazy night. I don't think Jeremy remembered trying to kiss me because he wasn't abashed at all, and asked me to go to breakfast with him. ... No! Even if he doesn't remember trying to just go for a kiss, he does know that I was not available. Plus... well, not to be mean but we are not in the same categories and it was quite entitled of him to think he had a chance. He left. Megan Trey Ben and I had sausages and pancakes, and I refrained from asking "so, do you two spend a lot of time naked together?"
Back in Mill Creek, we all slept most of the day... that weird Halloween Saturday lasted until 6 am.
I forgot to say! In the middle of dancing around, Megan and I ran outside in our one boot/one sock costumes to chase a deer in the yard that Megan wanted to hug.