Robin and Marian behind the waterfall owh sweethowts
Mom has asked me several times to start writing in my journal again. I don't want to be writing to my journal and sharing my thoughts with it - I want to be sharing them with Wes, and I hate how people think now that relationships aren't all that important. Wes understood me more than anyone else did, and understands me when I say that I miss God sometimes and need mass, or agrees that Frank Sinatra on the stereo while cooking dinner is a perfect way to spend an evening.
I feel kind of stupid for thinking that I could have found someone that I want to spend my life with and thinking its important enough to wait and see what happens with finishing basic. I miss Grandma. I wish the world was still how it was back then, that when you found your person it was accepted as a truth that they were your person, and exchanging them for someone more convenient wasn't seen as a sensible option. People could care less now, any kind of relationship from friendship to family to couples to spouses is as tenuous as how you wake up feeling that morning.
Wes says he wants a break, but I don't know that I believe its actually a break, or believe that my views on love and life will ever be validated in my life. Hes treating matters of the heart like its objective, and hes being very sensible: he doesn't really believe in long distance, he thinks if youre dating you should get to actually go on dates. We are long long distance, hes not ready for marriage. To be together we'd have to move for each other, and thats a commitment that he can't handle right now. He says if its the rest of our lives then he wants to do it right. If we didn't break up now we never could because itd be such a commitment, and he just wasn't ready yet to make it yet. So he didn't want to, but he felt like he had to - he hopes we get back together, he doesn't want to see other people, and he loves me.
I can see where hes coming from, and it makes sense, but only in my head. I feel pretty alone in putting importance on love outside of practical concerns, and even though I hope, its "springing eternal" involuntarily and I don't want to hope. I've had just enough disappointments that I don't think I really believe things will go my way anymore. Please no one say "Gods got it all in hand and he has a plan for you, so it will go his way and don't worry." I know God has a plan, but I actually feel like my view of love and life isn't mine but His, and I'd like some reinforcement of it.
I don't know whats going to happen in April when Wes graduates from basic. We talked on Tuesday and I apologized for some things - mainly, for pressuring him. I hated the beach this summer. When Wes and I are together, its... refreshing. Hes not low class and depraved, which is what I was living around. The juxtaposition between spending time with my guy and lving among the people of Ocean City was so drastic that I pushed more for Wes and I together, I did persist to know "when are we going to see each other again?" "whats going to happen when we leave here?" I scared him off, and I didn't mean to. The spiritually bankrupt people I was subjected to cut me down, and the summer ate away at my soul like a cancer. I'm glad I got to live with Chelsea, but I feel like this summer cost me everything- and Wes wasn't grown up enough yet to stay through the pressure. I hate that he ran, if not for good then at least for now. I don't want to lose all these months between us.
I met one of my neighbors, her name is Sam and her husband's name is Nathan. They are both in the Navy, and they're young. Megan and I both are jealous that they have everything we want when they're so young, we laughed about it. It was like Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in the coffeehouse, "I am so happy for them, and not at all jealous! "I'm like 90-10," and so on and so forth. Both Sam and Nathan are in the Navy, and she was saying how much basic changes you - I don't want to get my hopes up, but they are up. She was saying what a huge huge difference it makes, and that you are grown up when you come out of it. I really hope thats true, and that Wes wants to be dating again, happy to move around the country together because its what we both want rather than feel backed into a corner by circumstances.
I've been watching horror movies all day and have spent the day inside - its bone chilly out there because of the constant misty rain we've had today, plus I can't afford to go get groceries like I want. My back (particularly right below my neck up by my shoulders) hurts quite a bit, though I'm not sure why. I'd like a massage from Sebastian, he gave me a back rub once and he is excellent at it. I wouldn't want to see him though and start something - I'd be running just so I didn't have to be uncertain or alone, which I would feel wrongly about. I want to make peanut butter fudge today; I hope its not too humid.
I feel kind of stupid for thinking that I could have found someone that I want to spend my life with and thinking its important enough to wait and see what happens with finishing basic. I miss Grandma. I wish the world was still how it was back then, that when you found your person it was accepted as a truth that they were your person, and exchanging them for someone more convenient wasn't seen as a sensible option. People could care less now, any kind of relationship from friendship to family to couples to spouses is as tenuous as how you wake up feeling that morning.
Wes says he wants a break, but I don't know that I believe its actually a break, or believe that my views on love and life will ever be validated in my life. Hes treating matters of the heart like its objective, and hes being very sensible: he doesn't really believe in long distance, he thinks if youre dating you should get to actually go on dates. We are long long distance, hes not ready for marriage. To be together we'd have to move for each other, and thats a commitment that he can't handle right now. He says if its the rest of our lives then he wants to do it right. If we didn't break up now we never could because itd be such a commitment, and he just wasn't ready yet to make it yet. So he didn't want to, but he felt like he had to - he hopes we get back together, he doesn't want to see other people, and he loves me.
I can see where hes coming from, and it makes sense, but only in my head. I feel pretty alone in putting importance on love outside of practical concerns, and even though I hope, its "springing eternal" involuntarily and I don't want to hope. I've had just enough disappointments that I don't think I really believe things will go my way anymore. Please no one say "Gods got it all in hand and he has a plan for you, so it will go his way and don't worry." I know God has a plan, but I actually feel like my view of love and life isn't mine but His, and I'd like some reinforcement of it.
I don't know whats going to happen in April when Wes graduates from basic. We talked on Tuesday and I apologized for some things - mainly, for pressuring him. I hated the beach this summer. When Wes and I are together, its... refreshing. Hes not low class and depraved, which is what I was living around. The juxtaposition between spending time with my guy and lving among the people of Ocean City was so drastic that I pushed more for Wes and I together, I did persist to know "when are we going to see each other again?" "whats going to happen when we leave here?" I scared him off, and I didn't mean to. The spiritually bankrupt people I was subjected to cut me down, and the summer ate away at my soul like a cancer. I'm glad I got to live with Chelsea, but I feel like this summer cost me everything- and Wes wasn't grown up enough yet to stay through the pressure. I hate that he ran, if not for good then at least for now. I don't want to lose all these months between us.
I met one of my neighbors, her name is Sam and her husband's name is Nathan. They are both in the Navy, and they're young. Megan and I both are jealous that they have everything we want when they're so young, we laughed about it. It was like Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in the coffeehouse, "I am so happy for them, and not at all jealous! "I'm like 90-10," and so on and so forth. Both Sam and Nathan are in the Navy, and she was saying how much basic changes you - I don't want to get my hopes up, but they are up. She was saying what a huge huge difference it makes, and that you are grown up when you come out of it. I really hope thats true, and that Wes wants to be dating again, happy to move around the country together because its what we both want rather than feel backed into a corner by circumstances.
I've been watching horror movies all day and have spent the day inside - its bone chilly out there because of the constant misty rain we've had today, plus I can't afford to go get groceries like I want. My back (particularly right below my neck up by my shoulders) hurts quite a bit, though I'm not sure why. I'd like a massage from Sebastian, he gave me a back rub once and he is excellent at it. I wouldn't want to see him though and start something - I'd be running just so I didn't have to be uncertain or alone, which I would feel wrongly about. I want to make peanut butter fudge today; I hope its not too humid.