Shredding away, little by little...
Oy vey. So, Sunday night, I finally told the parents. To say it did not go according to plan would be something of an understatement.
First of all, while my big brother was in the room with me, C.J. was not. Don't blame him--it wasn't his fault he couldn't be there with me. Oh, no. THAT blame lies solely with my dad, because he absolutely refused to let C.J. into the house, so I was forced to tell C.J. he couldn't come in and that I'd have to call him later once it was over and done with. So, I supposed it would just be me and my brother, who seemed so kind and supportive of me when he went along to Planned Parenthood with me. Guess again, little Kim-chan, guess again. While I wasn't expecting a huge help from Big Brother Ben, I certainly wasn't expecting that everything he DID say would be helping my parents' case rather than mine! So, the "discussion" ended up being three against one. For the record, when it's three against one, and two of said three you've spent your entire life in mortal fear of, it's impossible to stand up for your convictions, because every single time you try to stand firm, you get knocked flat on your back and into the mud. And it only gets worse from there.
Dad, of course, did nearly all of the "discussing" all the way around--much more than Mom, Ben or even me. Naturally, he had plenty of mixed messages in there, but he managed to make a few things clear. First of all, he absolutely and irrefutably hates C.J. and will never, ever have anything at all to do with him and doesn't even want to consider the possibility of coming to any sort of understanding with him. He figures he's got him pegged as a liar, thief, isolator and future abuser that would divorce me in under two years if we married, and if I DO marry him, he will cut off all ties, end of story. Also, he doesn't even want me to consider parenthood whatsoever, despite this being an "obviously planned pregnancy" ((WTF on THAT one, Dad...)). He wants me to get an abortion (it's the absolutely only thing he'll pay for), though he supposes adoption could be feasible. Abortion, though, is by far the most preferable option as far as Dad's concerned. Oh, and there's absolutely no way I could ever make a good mother to the baby I'm carrying, especially since he believes that all of my friends will desert me as soon as the little one arrives.
I'm not entirely sure what Mom wants. She also was discouraging me from parenthood, but I'm not clear on whether she'd find abortion or adoption preferable. Probably abortion, because that's what Dad wants, and she always just seems to go along with whatever he says when he's upset. She also hates C.J. and isn't at all interested in any form of understanding, let alone reconciliation.
Things got worse yet as the night went on. At one point, C.J. tried to call me, presumably to see how things had gone and to see if I was okay. Dad answered with a terse "Never call here again," and slammed the phone down. Some time later, the doorbell rang. Dad answered it, and I didn't see who it was. It was some guy, a friend of C.J.'s I think but I wasn't able to recognize the voice, but he also got shut out of the house in less than thirty seconds. Later still, the doorbell rang again. This time, it was two police officers that C.J. had sent to check up on the situation and make sure I was okay.
As many of you may know, I've had suicidal thoughts and fantasies echoing inside my head since the age of four, though I've never really acted on them in any significant way. Mostly, the officers seemed concerned over whether or not I was planning on inflicting any harm on myself, but I told them I was okay, even though I'd already had thoughts of kitchen knives to the wrists that night. They offered to take me away from home, even suggesting someone who was always on call at the hospital if I wanted it, but I just said that, no, I was okay. Dad's response? "Look at that? He just tried to have you committed! I'm a psych nurse! I know these things! You'd have gone straight to the regional center!"
Later, dear min_chan tried to call. Dad, again, answered, and one of the first questions he asked was whether or not C.J. had put her up to it. I could hear the "WHAT?!" three feet away. It was only then he let me have the phone, but I wasn't in much state to talk to her, so I said I'd talk to her the next day.
C.J. tried once more to call me that night, his being the last call of the evening. Again, Dad answered. The conversation was longer than the "Don't call here again," but no less rude on Dad's end, as he threatened a restraining order against him. After he hung up, Dad called the police to file a complaint against C.J., though I don't know what happened with that.
I did see C.J. yesterday. He wants me to have the baby and raise it with him, and also told me that, since I know he's the baby's daddy and he also knows, I legally can neither offer the baby for adoption nor get an abortion without his consent. I don't personally know enough about the laws right now to know if this is correct or not. He also said that the officers had been there, not to try and get me committed, but under suspicion of Dad mentally/emotionally abusing me during the "discussion." Apparently, from the answers I gave the officers, they had suspicions of it (I personally wouldn't be at all surprised if I was a mental/emotional abuse victim), but they had no evidence to press any sort of charges. C.J. also said that his family was furious about the situation with my folks, and that if my dad forced me into an abortion, C.J.'s mom was liable to try and sue him for it. His family is excited and wants to have this little one in their lives, and I don't think that my brother would really be opposed to officially being an "Uncle Ben." My parents, however, do NOT want the baby at all, mostly I think because it'd mean I--and thus THEY would too--would have a permanent connection to C.J. and his family through it.
In essence, my parents are trying to force me to choose between them or C.J., and if I choose them I absolutely cannot be mother to this baby, and if I choose him and the baby, then I will have absolutely no more contact with them again. How could I possibly make such a decision?! Especially since my parents have stripped me of ANY confidence to make any sort of "good adult decision." I haven't been able to make a big decision since HIGH SCHOOL that has gotten anything other than scorn, derision, disappointment and guilt trips from them. To be honest, at this point I don't feel I'm remotely capable of making ANY sort of decision here, and I don't know what it is that I want for certain.
min_chan, when I saw her yesterday, told me to spend a night away from home and away from C.J. and try to make my choice away from both sides of the war I'm caught between. So, I'll be spending Wednesday night at her home, possibly even more than one night away. The way she talked, she made it sound like I should stay with friends until I steadily move out. I don't think she wants me to ever go home once I spend a night or two away, but I don't know about that.
Meanwhile, this afternoon, I'm meeting with a counselor from Lutheran Family Services (or whatever they're called exactly). My mom recommended them because it was this organization who helped not only my birthmother 21 years ago, but also that of my brother. I don't know what she'll say or recommend or what, but hopefully she can help me in some fashion. I also have a doctor's appointment next Monday morning. And, I may also be going back in for psych counseling as well. I don't know what will happen from here, but I hope it can only get better.
First of all, while my big brother was in the room with me, C.J. was not. Don't blame him--it wasn't his fault he couldn't be there with me. Oh, no. THAT blame lies solely with my dad, because he absolutely refused to let C.J. into the house, so I was forced to tell C.J. he couldn't come in and that I'd have to call him later once it was over and done with. So, I supposed it would just be me and my brother, who seemed so kind and supportive of me when he went along to Planned Parenthood with me. Guess again, little Kim-chan, guess again. While I wasn't expecting a huge help from Big Brother Ben, I certainly wasn't expecting that everything he DID say would be helping my parents' case rather than mine! So, the "discussion" ended up being three against one. For the record, when it's three against one, and two of said three you've spent your entire life in mortal fear of, it's impossible to stand up for your convictions, because every single time you try to stand firm, you get knocked flat on your back and into the mud. And it only gets worse from there.
Dad, of course, did nearly all of the "discussing" all the way around--much more than Mom, Ben or even me. Naturally, he had plenty of mixed messages in there, but he managed to make a few things clear. First of all, he absolutely and irrefutably hates C.J. and will never, ever have anything at all to do with him and doesn't even want to consider the possibility of coming to any sort of understanding with him. He figures he's got him pegged as a liar, thief, isolator and future abuser that would divorce me in under two years if we married, and if I DO marry him, he will cut off all ties, end of story. Also, he doesn't even want me to consider parenthood whatsoever, despite this being an "obviously planned pregnancy" ((WTF on THAT one, Dad...)). He wants me to get an abortion (it's the absolutely only thing he'll pay for), though he supposes adoption could be feasible. Abortion, though, is by far the most preferable option as far as Dad's concerned. Oh, and there's absolutely no way I could ever make a good mother to the baby I'm carrying, especially since he believes that all of my friends will desert me as soon as the little one arrives.
I'm not entirely sure what Mom wants. She also was discouraging me from parenthood, but I'm not clear on whether she'd find abortion or adoption preferable. Probably abortion, because that's what Dad wants, and she always just seems to go along with whatever he says when he's upset. She also hates C.J. and isn't at all interested in any form of understanding, let alone reconciliation.
Things got worse yet as the night went on. At one point, C.J. tried to call me, presumably to see how things had gone and to see if I was okay. Dad answered with a terse "Never call here again," and slammed the phone down. Some time later, the doorbell rang. Dad answered it, and I didn't see who it was. It was some guy, a friend of C.J.'s I think but I wasn't able to recognize the voice, but he also got shut out of the house in less than thirty seconds. Later still, the doorbell rang again. This time, it was two police officers that C.J. had sent to check up on the situation and make sure I was okay.
As many of you may know, I've had suicidal thoughts and fantasies echoing inside my head since the age of four, though I've never really acted on them in any significant way. Mostly, the officers seemed concerned over whether or not I was planning on inflicting any harm on myself, but I told them I was okay, even though I'd already had thoughts of kitchen knives to the wrists that night. They offered to take me away from home, even suggesting someone who was always on call at the hospital if I wanted it, but I just said that, no, I was okay. Dad's response? "Look at that? He just tried to have you committed! I'm a psych nurse! I know these things! You'd have gone straight to the regional center!"
Later, dear min_chan tried to call. Dad, again, answered, and one of the first questions he asked was whether or not C.J. had put her up to it. I could hear the "WHAT?!" three feet away. It was only then he let me have the phone, but I wasn't in much state to talk to her, so I said I'd talk to her the next day.
C.J. tried once more to call me that night, his being the last call of the evening. Again, Dad answered. The conversation was longer than the "Don't call here again," but no less rude on Dad's end, as he threatened a restraining order against him. After he hung up, Dad called the police to file a complaint against C.J., though I don't know what happened with that.
I did see C.J. yesterday. He wants me to have the baby and raise it with him, and also told me that, since I know he's the baby's daddy and he also knows, I legally can neither offer the baby for adoption nor get an abortion without his consent. I don't personally know enough about the laws right now to know if this is correct or not. He also said that the officers had been there, not to try and get me committed, but under suspicion of Dad mentally/emotionally abusing me during the "discussion." Apparently, from the answers I gave the officers, they had suspicions of it (I personally wouldn't be at all surprised if I was a mental/emotional abuse victim), but they had no evidence to press any sort of charges. C.J. also said that his family was furious about the situation with my folks, and that if my dad forced me into an abortion, C.J.'s mom was liable to try and sue him for it. His family is excited and wants to have this little one in their lives, and I don't think that my brother would really be opposed to officially being an "Uncle Ben." My parents, however, do NOT want the baby at all, mostly I think because it'd mean I--and thus THEY would too--would have a permanent connection to C.J. and his family through it.
In essence, my parents are trying to force me to choose between them or C.J., and if I choose them I absolutely cannot be mother to this baby, and if I choose him and the baby, then I will have absolutely no more contact with them again. How could I possibly make such a decision?! Especially since my parents have stripped me of ANY confidence to make any sort of "good adult decision." I haven't been able to make a big decision since HIGH SCHOOL that has gotten anything other than scorn, derision, disappointment and guilt trips from them. To be honest, at this point I don't feel I'm remotely capable of making ANY sort of decision here, and I don't know what it is that I want for certain.
min_chan, when I saw her yesterday, told me to spend a night away from home and away from C.J. and try to make my choice away from both sides of the war I'm caught between. So, I'll be spending Wednesday night at her home, possibly even more than one night away. The way she talked, she made it sound like I should stay with friends until I steadily move out. I don't think she wants me to ever go home once I spend a night or two away, but I don't know about that.
Meanwhile, this afternoon, I'm meeting with a counselor from Lutheran Family Services (or whatever they're called exactly). My mom recommended them because it was this organization who helped not only my birthmother 21 years ago, but also that of my brother. I don't know what she'll say or recommend or what, but hopefully she can help me in some fashion. I also have a doctor's appointment next Monday morning. And, I may also be going back in for psych counseling as well. I don't know what will happen from here, but I hope it can only get better.