(no subject)
but back to my extra session with my psych.
i told her pretty all of what happened yesterday.
she said she has got the impression of me beeing very unusually panickly about my eating habits. as she knows that bulimics often dont really care about the purging. or something like that is what she said. and i said of course i am because iam so scared that i lose th control and watch myself doing it although i know its so insane. a part of me is just like "what the hell?" i feel scizophrenic, nearly. well i know this is a stupid term for it. but i feel one part saying stop the other saying go on and the other beein completely overwhelmed by the two parts fighting against eachother. my problem is the fucked relationship with food. i dont know who to deal with it and it freaks me out.
i cant go back to my master plan because thats just camoufaged control! i cant eat nothing because ill die! and i certainly dotn want to be bulimic, really.
so there must be something else to the story. and we started talking about my parents and my past and everything elese.
she asked me about my roots and as my parents come from two different countries and i grew up bilingual and bicultural she asked me whereto i belonge more.. but ive got this sorted out, i mean im a mixture and so glad of it because i can feel at home everywhere and i am mobile and flexible. the downside to it is that i have no roots and i belong nowhere completely. but im fine with that because i think when it comes to settle down, i will find a place and there is no need for me to settle down until i marry and have children and who knows where in the world ill be at that time?
so, no problem there. but my parents... my dad is so realistic. hes an economic type of guy and he put the inicial pressure on me when i was a kid to be good at school and so succeed and have a life that is lucrative. my mom was more emotional always. shes a bit melodramatic as well and has problems of her own, missind her family which is far away but she always wanted to make us happy. and really both of my parents are so supportive. even my dad. when i told him i wanted to take a year off he said it would be fine. and that was suprising. but anyway.. they are very different and i had a messed up relationship with them because living in the same house was so hard because they alwys know what i am doing. and now, beeing away i can chose what i tell them and i tell them most of my trobles and even my thoughts... so thats ok too
i have a problem with relationships though. i cant let anyone into myself. i carefull choose what i tell other people about me and i always want to have to control about how near they step. so you see that ive got a problem with sex. becaus that means to let someone into yourself completely. so i have had sex but it was physical and i didnt enjoy it at all.
the other month i was travelling and i got to knwo this amazing man. he was sooo exploring me. and i got really exited, just as him. i couldnt imagine him interested in me and how he was.. i still smile at the memory because he was simply overwhelming. but i couldnt even let him come that close because there was the wall and its also about enjoying myself, which i absolutely cant..
then i like drugs and alcohol and whatnot. ive got times when i let myself down and do all of this extremely. but not like bingeing and drugs, but control of what i eat and drugs. kinda strange i have to think about this one.
hm and there are days when i just dont feel i have got a problem someone described it quite good with "letting it simmer in the background". and i do all the other things you usually do at my age, with the thingie simmering. but yes, i have got a problem. and it sometimes makes me afraid to overcome it because life itself scares me. i am afraid of letting myself too much, not only in terms of food but in terms of "ending under the bridge" and having nothing done in life. i am afraid of people as ive said. afraid to make compromises that lat me lose a bit of my so-called freedom and afraid of everything else.
i told her pretty all of what happened yesterday.
she said she has got the impression of me beeing very unusually panickly about my eating habits. as she knows that bulimics often dont really care about the purging. or something like that is what she said. and i said of course i am because iam so scared that i lose th control and watch myself doing it although i know its so insane. a part of me is just like "what the hell?" i feel scizophrenic, nearly. well i know this is a stupid term for it. but i feel one part saying stop the other saying go on and the other beein completely overwhelmed by the two parts fighting against eachother. my problem is the fucked relationship with food. i dont know who to deal with it and it freaks me out.
i cant go back to my master plan because thats just camoufaged control! i cant eat nothing because ill die! and i certainly dotn want to be bulimic, really.
so there must be something else to the story. and we started talking about my parents and my past and everything elese.
she asked me about my roots and as my parents come from two different countries and i grew up bilingual and bicultural she asked me whereto i belonge more.. but ive got this sorted out, i mean im a mixture and so glad of it because i can feel at home everywhere and i am mobile and flexible. the downside to it is that i have no roots and i belong nowhere completely. but im fine with that because i think when it comes to settle down, i will find a place and there is no need for me to settle down until i marry and have children and who knows where in the world ill be at that time?
so, no problem there. but my parents... my dad is so realistic. hes an economic type of guy and he put the inicial pressure on me when i was a kid to be good at school and so succeed and have a life that is lucrative. my mom was more emotional always. shes a bit melodramatic as well and has problems of her own, missind her family which is far away but she always wanted to make us happy. and really both of my parents are so supportive. even my dad. when i told him i wanted to take a year off he said it would be fine. and that was suprising. but anyway.. they are very different and i had a messed up relationship with them because living in the same house was so hard because they alwys know what i am doing. and now, beeing away i can chose what i tell them and i tell them most of my trobles and even my thoughts... so thats ok too
i have a problem with relationships though. i cant let anyone into myself. i carefull choose what i tell other people about me and i always want to have to control about how near they step. so you see that ive got a problem with sex. becaus that means to let someone into yourself completely. so i have had sex but it was physical and i didnt enjoy it at all.
the other month i was travelling and i got to knwo this amazing man. he was sooo exploring me. and i got really exited, just as him. i couldnt imagine him interested in me and how he was.. i still smile at the memory because he was simply overwhelming. but i couldnt even let him come that close because there was the wall and its also about enjoying myself, which i absolutely cant..
then i like drugs and alcohol and whatnot. ive got times when i let myself down and do all of this extremely. but not like bingeing and drugs, but control of what i eat and drugs. kinda strange i have to think about this one.
hm and there are days when i just dont feel i have got a problem someone described it quite good with "letting it simmer in the background". and i do all the other things you usually do at my age, with the thingie simmering. but yes, i have got a problem. and it sometimes makes me afraid to overcome it because life itself scares me. i am afraid of letting myself too much, not only in terms of food but in terms of "ending under the bridge" and having nothing done in life. i am afraid of people as ive said. afraid to make compromises that lat me lose a bit of my so-called freedom and afraid of everything else.