yesterday DESCRIPTION OF A BINGE
ok. so today i had my extra session with my therapist. i needed it absolutely.
when i woke up today, i felt so nice. i heard the rain and the birds outside and i was soooo happy. i sat up in my bed with the light shining through my curtains. and i looked at the yellow wall and i felt all of a sudden a little hungry. i thought "wow, i could eat something".
then, everything came back to me.
yesterday i had a bad night. i think it was probably the worst ever. and the day had started off so well. i woke up and did some exercise and then i went to uni. after my first lecture i had the breakfast i had taken with me, it was some cereal with soymilk and nuts and fruit and vegetables. my safe breakfast since i dont know when. i bought some coffe as i was falling asleep. after the other lectures i went to the denstist and then i stared feeling a bit hungry. and at first i paniced a little but then i remembred the organic restaurant nearby which isnt very expensive and i went there and decided i was going to make the experiment to enjoy my meal. i phoned my mother if she wanted to have lunch with me but she was buisy. so i was on my own. i ate slowly but it is still so hard to enjoy food. but i tried and it was ok. i felt ok afterwards,and just for one little moment i was tempted to buy that organic chololate pumpkin cake.. but no.
see, this is my problem: i dont like eating, i know i have to, and so when i start allowing myself to eat something snips inside of me and i just overeat.. boy, how i overeat!
but not this time. i breathed in and out and i actually felt that my stomach was ok. there was food in there and i lost my appetite for more. so i went outside and thought i had done so well, and so i had a cigarette. nice. then i thought about calling this guy but i decided not to as i have an exam and i havent studied like anything. so i went home. and i went online. and i stayed in here sometime, then i did some other things. all of a sudden the sister of my flatmate (who has got a key!) came in and wanted to wash her clothes because her washing mashine had broken down. i said sure and then she stared cooking a meal!
it was a steak with vegetables. and she asked me if i wanted some but of course i said no, even before thinking about it. i would have said no anyhow as i was still full, but i said no like contolling myself. and this girls. shes so skinny! she looks borderline anorexic, really! but she eats like i havent seen anyone eat. everytime she comes to visit her sister she brings tons of chocolate and they eat it and they bake bownies and a special austrian cake and have cream with it and pudding a little later.. it so freaking! i mean.. wtf????
but well... i like to say from myself that i am so sweettooth, mean i used not to be, but now.. see for yourself. the moment she left, i felt like eating a lot. but i had a smoke instead.
i relaxed a little and thought now i should have dinner, as it was already late and i kind of allowed me that. so i made a wholewheat bagel with humus and lots of nice fresh vegetables and i ate it. and i looked on here. and i dont know why this triggered me.
when i start to binge, i usually dont binge right away, but after having eaten. and i usually start with healthy foods, as stupid as i am i think i am still hungy. and then i know "'tis a binge!" and i fuck everything and start with the chocolate.
and i used to feel sexy when eating. i mean, i had a picture of a very erotic lady with curves and kind of greek- you know, like aphrodisiac and stuff, that was in my mind. but now, my body is not that thin anymore and i am looking good (its hard to say that) but i know if i put on weight i shall not look this good anymore. so i binge and i purge maybe because this makes me get rid of my anxiety. after purging i feel high. this is the addictive part of it.
sp i was stillin between the two when i had the briliant idea to have dessert. so i took the cinnamon-raisin bagel out of my freezer and put it in the oven. meanwhile i started mixing poppyseeds with butter and more raisins. when the bagel was done, i put the mixture into it and soaked the bagel in soymilk while eating it. and of course this was the point i realized i have had too much. so i made myself another bagel with honey and vegetables and humus. and then i had some muesly with freaking honey (a lot!!!) and nuts and so on and then i purged. and not everything came up but before going on purging i ate the rest of that chocolate bar and purged again. when i felt exausted and not yest empty i thought about eating pasta and one part of me said i am fucking crazy ishuld stop, what am i doing? and the other sain well fuck this! come on, food, food, food, now,
and i took another bagel (parmesan-oregano)out of the freezer and put it in the oven and thats when the struggle in my mind became even louder and to stop it i puged the hell out of me but it didnt really work that good so i then had the bagel with a can of tomatoes and even before i swallowed all of it i purged it all out and purged more and more and then i exercised and had so much water i wanted to flush everything out
so i purged again and then i had an icy shower and purged again
and
then i went to sleep
and sweated all the night and
well, you know what happened when i woke up
when i woke up today, i felt so nice. i heard the rain and the birds outside and i was soooo happy. i sat up in my bed with the light shining through my curtains. and i looked at the yellow wall and i felt all of a sudden a little hungry. i thought "wow, i could eat something".
then, everything came back to me.
yesterday i had a bad night. i think it was probably the worst ever. and the day had started off so well. i woke up and did some exercise and then i went to uni. after my first lecture i had the breakfast i had taken with me, it was some cereal with soymilk and nuts and fruit and vegetables. my safe breakfast since i dont know when. i bought some coffe as i was falling asleep. after the other lectures i went to the denstist and then i stared feeling a bit hungry. and at first i paniced a little but then i remembred the organic restaurant nearby which isnt very expensive and i went there and decided i was going to make the experiment to enjoy my meal. i phoned my mother if she wanted to have lunch with me but she was buisy. so i was on my own. i ate slowly but it is still so hard to enjoy food. but i tried and it was ok. i felt ok afterwards,and just for one little moment i was tempted to buy that organic chololate pumpkin cake.. but no.
see, this is my problem: i dont like eating, i know i have to, and so when i start allowing myself to eat something snips inside of me and i just overeat.. boy, how i overeat!
but not this time. i breathed in and out and i actually felt that my stomach was ok. there was food in there and i lost my appetite for more. so i went outside and thought i had done so well, and so i had a cigarette. nice. then i thought about calling this guy but i decided not to as i have an exam and i havent studied like anything. so i went home. and i went online. and i stayed in here sometime, then i did some other things. all of a sudden the sister of my flatmate (who has got a key!) came in and wanted to wash her clothes because her washing mashine had broken down. i said sure and then she stared cooking a meal!
it was a steak with vegetables. and she asked me if i wanted some but of course i said no, even before thinking about it. i would have said no anyhow as i was still full, but i said no like contolling myself. and this girls. shes so skinny! she looks borderline anorexic, really! but she eats like i havent seen anyone eat. everytime she comes to visit her sister she brings tons of chocolate and they eat it and they bake bownies and a special austrian cake and have cream with it and pudding a little later.. it so freaking! i mean.. wtf????
but well... i like to say from myself that i am so sweettooth, mean i used not to be, but now.. see for yourself. the moment she left, i felt like eating a lot. but i had a smoke instead.
i relaxed a little and thought now i should have dinner, as it was already late and i kind of allowed me that. so i made a wholewheat bagel with humus and lots of nice fresh vegetables and i ate it. and i looked on here. and i dont know why this triggered me.
when i start to binge, i usually dont binge right away, but after having eaten. and i usually start with healthy foods, as stupid as i am i think i am still hungy. and then i know "'tis a binge!" and i fuck everything and start with the chocolate.
and i used to feel sexy when eating. i mean, i had a picture of a very erotic lady with curves and kind of greek- you know, like aphrodisiac and stuff, that was in my mind. but now, my body is not that thin anymore and i am looking good (its hard to say that) but i know if i put on weight i shall not look this good anymore. so i binge and i purge maybe because this makes me get rid of my anxiety. after purging i feel high. this is the addictive part of it.
sp i was stillin between the two when i had the briliant idea to have dessert. so i took the cinnamon-raisin bagel out of my freezer and put it in the oven. meanwhile i started mixing poppyseeds with butter and more raisins. when the bagel was done, i put the mixture into it and soaked the bagel in soymilk while eating it. and of course this was the point i realized i have had too much. so i made myself another bagel with honey and vegetables and humus. and then i had some muesly with freaking honey (a lot!!!) and nuts and so on and then i purged. and not everything came up but before going on purging i ate the rest of that chocolate bar and purged again. when i felt exausted and not yest empty i thought about eating pasta and one part of me said i am fucking crazy ishuld stop, what am i doing? and the other sain well fuck this! come on, food, food, food, now,
and i took another bagel (parmesan-oregano)out of the freezer and put it in the oven and thats when the struggle in my mind became even louder and to stop it i puged the hell out of me but it didnt really work that good so i then had the bagel with a can of tomatoes and even before i swallowed all of it i purged it all out and purged more and more and then i exercised and had so much water i wanted to flush everything out
so i purged again and then i had an icy shower and purged again
and
then i went to sleep
and sweated all the night and
well, you know what happened when i woke up