(no subject)
so far so good.
i feel like on a fucking trip all the time.
just check this out:
today i slept like 10 hours. i sweated all night through and i had to go pee a lot although i didnt really dirk unusually much. so when i woke up i still felt sleepy. i started my exercise but then i decided to postpone it and cook breakfast for the upcoming week, as i always do (1-2 handfull vegetables, 9 nuts, 3tsp grains, 1 handfull low cal fruit, spices) and i prepared that for about 1hour. then i sat down and ate as i was feeling weak and shaky. while eating i was thinking about what i could eat afterwards but when i finished i really didnt felt like it. it was no fat feeling and there was no hunger either. so i guess its like when your done.
i went to my room and i acutually studied! i had some black tea, gorgeous. and i did get excided as i used to about biochemistry. then, all of a sudden about 2 hours later the feelinig: slightly hungry. i hate it. i am in recovery and i never never know what to do about it. should i eat or is it just lust and i hate to eat when you dont really need it.. like have that dessert, or something. so i went to the kitchen and wanted to cook some pineapple coconut tapioca and to decide later on. so after two seconds i decided otherwise and started doing some house work. then i went back to the kitchen and actually did cook that tapioca. when it was done i waited. then i ate some but i felt my depression coming up and i just sat on the sofa feeling so down. just down and dead. i went to my room and lay on my bed, i wanted to sleep. i had freaking dreams about random things, food included. when i woke up i still felt the same. i got some coffee and drank it and studied for half an hour, when i had to laugh out loud. i suddenly felt so happy, i cant explain. i knew it wasnt real happiness but some messy thing with my hormones or something. i looked outside and the sun was so shiny and beautiful. i thought about my future and about a guy i really like. i suddenly felt sexy. i called my brother and told him about it.
well, then i ate lunch and then i went to capoeira for one hour. and i was really feeling it and paricipating and sweating a lot too. and then i even stayed longer to chat to a girl i havent seen for a while. and i actually felt normal. then, on my way home, i suddenly panicked at all the people on the train. i though i was gonna have a fit or something.
but no, when i got home i put on some music. and it is disgusting how much i eat, i had dinner. i mean i guess it was normal and i feel full again, not really fat. i mean i try hard to ignore those feelings because i know they are coming from my ed.
i want to get away from the food symptoms and get to the roots. as when i panicked earlier, i just binged and puked afterwards. yay, its been like 5 days i dont do it. and i feel good. at least about that.
so, i guess i have to study some more i have been really not doing anything...
i feel like on a fucking trip all the time.
just check this out:
today i slept like 10 hours. i sweated all night through and i had to go pee a lot although i didnt really dirk unusually much. so when i woke up i still felt sleepy. i started my exercise but then i decided to postpone it and cook breakfast for the upcoming week, as i always do (1-2 handfull vegetables, 9 nuts, 3tsp grains, 1 handfull low cal fruit, spices) and i prepared that for about 1hour. then i sat down and ate as i was feeling weak and shaky. while eating i was thinking about what i could eat afterwards but when i finished i really didnt felt like it. it was no fat feeling and there was no hunger either. so i guess its like when your done.
i went to my room and i acutually studied! i had some black tea, gorgeous. and i did get excided as i used to about biochemistry. then, all of a sudden about 2 hours later the feelinig: slightly hungry. i hate it. i am in recovery and i never never know what to do about it. should i eat or is it just lust and i hate to eat when you dont really need it.. like have that dessert, or something. so i went to the kitchen and wanted to cook some pineapple coconut tapioca and to decide later on. so after two seconds i decided otherwise and started doing some house work. then i went back to the kitchen and actually did cook that tapioca. when it was done i waited. then i ate some but i felt my depression coming up and i just sat on the sofa feeling so down. just down and dead. i went to my room and lay on my bed, i wanted to sleep. i had freaking dreams about random things, food included. when i woke up i still felt the same. i got some coffee and drank it and studied for half an hour, when i had to laugh out loud. i suddenly felt so happy, i cant explain. i knew it wasnt real happiness but some messy thing with my hormones or something. i looked outside and the sun was so shiny and beautiful. i thought about my future and about a guy i really like. i suddenly felt sexy. i called my brother and told him about it.
well, then i ate lunch and then i went to capoeira for one hour. and i was really feeling it and paricipating and sweating a lot too. and then i even stayed longer to chat to a girl i havent seen for a while. and i actually felt normal. then, on my way home, i suddenly panicked at all the people on the train. i though i was gonna have a fit or something.
but no, when i got home i put on some music. and it is disgusting how much i eat, i had dinner. i mean i guess it was normal and i feel full again, not really fat. i mean i try hard to ignore those feelings because i know they are coming from my ed.
i want to get away from the food symptoms and get to the roots. as when i panicked earlier, i just binged and puked afterwards. yay, its been like 5 days i dont do it. and i feel good. at least about that.
so, i guess i have to study some more i have been really not doing anything...