Fic: Sleeping With Ghosts 19/?
Title: Sleeping With Ghosts 19/?
Author: Milena Pandora/milena_1980
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: JaeChun (main), YooSu, YooMin, JaeHo, HoMin, HyukSu
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Warning: Suicidal feelings; suicidal ideation; references to substance abuse; self-harm
Trigger Warning: Self-harm & Suicidal actions
Summary: Soulmates never die
A/N: A series of connected drabbles/ficlets. Not always in chronological order. Title from Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo.
A/N2: Written in second person point-of-view.
Title: Stolen
"It's so funny!" and she laughs so everyone nearby hears.
She's smiling happily while talking with him, the guy who stole her from you. You're not jealous (or so you tell yourself), she's nothing but a memory right now. Which really makes you wonder: why the hell are you standing there watching them?
You frown, looking away and making your way out of school. You thought you would be over it by now, but, really, it has only been about a week since she broke up with you and she already has a new boyfriend?! She could have at least waited a couple of weeks. But no, now your classmates look at you with pity. Fuck them! What the hell do they know?
It's time to go home, anyway.
You stare at the ground as you walk, trying to get her image and the sound of her voice out of your head. Why must she still affect you so much? Because you thought it was more than just puppy love. Idiot, you think to yourself. You wish there was something to kick at, release your frustrations on, but no, there's nothing. How are you supposed to forget when they parade their relationship in front of you every damn day? Forget about it, you tell yourself, trying to focus on the things you need to do when you get home.
Not a minute later, you feel someone walking behind you. You don't doubt it could be a random schoolmate, except the last two days have been beyond strange and you fear… Shit. He's following you again! Has your refusal to acknowledge him the past two days done nothing to convince him that you want him to stay away from you? Maybe he is crazy, like people at school say, the more reason why you don't want him anywhere near you. So he gave you a cigarette once. That doesn’t automatically make you friends!
You shake your head and continue walking, doing your best to ignore him. This is the last thing you need: a crazy stalker intent on getting your attention at all costs. You walk faster, hoping to lose him along the way, but no, there he is, hands in his pockets, grinning like the idiot he is.
As soon as you get home, you're ready to do what you've done the previous two times: open the door, lock it, and forget about him. Both times, he just watched the house for a few minutes before going on his merry way. This time, however, you're already fed up.
You turn around to face him. He stops abruptly, raising his brow-in surprise, is your best guess-giving you his full attention. Good.
"Why the hell are you following me?" you ask, already at your wit's end. He shrugs.
"Because I want to," he answers, smiling brightly. You sigh impatiently.
"Look, I don't want to be friends with you. Just stay away from me." You turn to your door, hoping that will be enough.
"You're lonely," he says, suddenly. You stop, taking in his words. What does he care?
"So?" you ask. He's grinning when you look back at him. Why must he act so cocky, so damn confident? He's a nobody at school, a total outcast. Not even the girls who harbor crushes on him want to get near enough to find out if all the rumors are true. And yet, here he is, gazing at you like he knows all the answers in the universe-acting like he fucking knows you. Who the hell does he think he is?
"I like you," he says, shrugging. There's nothing suggestive about his tone, it's a simple statement. What is that supposed to mean?
"So I'm supposed to talk and pay attention to you because you suddenly decided you like me?"
He pauses to think, before shrugging again.
"Yeah."
You sigh impatiently, turning away from him. He's right: your girlfriend broke up with you, your friends at school don't seem to care anymore; even your family… But him? All right, so Kim Jaejoong may be a little off, but maybe he isn’t so bad, after all?
Damn it.
You roll your eyes, turning to face him again.
"Fine! Come in. But don't touch anything."
He smiles brightly, walking over and following you inside the house. Hopefully, you won't regret this.
Title: Rest
"It's almost like we're back at square one."
You look into the living room. He's still lying there, watching TV motionlessly. You sigh, running a hand through your hair in frustration, and return to the bedroom, phone to your ear still.
"He's not eating, I have to force feed him. He showers because I remind him to, otherwise I bet he wouldn't for days." You sit on the bed, on the verge of tears. "I don't know what to do."
At the other end of the line, you hear Junsu sigh. He has been calling every day since you got back to the city days ago. He keeps asking if he can visit, that he would like to see both you and Jaejoong, but every time you tell your lover, he shakes his head and looks away. You're getting tired of making up excuses you know Junsu doesn't believe, but you won't force Jaejoong to do something he doesn't want to do, no matter how much his doctor back at the hospital insisted.
"He shouldn't be alone," the doctor said. "Keep him busy and get him as much social interaction as he can handle."
So far, you're a failure. At least he's taking his medication, and maybe someday he'll get out of this terrible depression and return to his normal self somewhat (without the disappearing or the substance abuse or the insanity). It's painful to watch him like this and you're so afraid of leaving him alone. Even going grocery shopping drives you crazy with worry.
"You should both come over soon," Junsu says. "Maybe being around other people would make him feel better. And he knows us, so no worries there."
"I'll try convincing him. He's so tired all the time." You close your eyes. "I really thought he was getting better. That day at the beach… I could have sworn, Junsu. I thought he was okay."
"Have you found a doctor yet?"
"He has an appointment next week." You've never been to a psychiatrist before. What must it be like? You may need to talk with the doctor since you're Jaejoong's caretaker now. "He didn't seem to care much when I told him. It’s like everything he said were lies."
"Yoochun, you need to be patient. Isn't that what Yunho told you?"
"Yeah." He had, more than once.
"Have you spoken to him since you got back?" How like Junsu to ask when you're feeling so out of sorts.
"Once, to tell him we were back. We haven't spoken since. Changmin said he has crazy hours at work these days." Talking with Changmin feels so good, relaxing almost. The younger man just asks questions and gives you bits of advice, at least when it comes to things that are common sense (which you lack a bit of, sadly). What have you done to deserve such amazing friends?
"Oh. You should call him, though, and tell him what's going on. Maybe he can help." You lie down, listening intently. Won't it be disrespectful to call Yunho when he's working so hard, though?
"I don't want to bother him."
"It's for Jaejoong," Junsu says, sounding impatient. "And Yunho would kill you if you didn't tell him. Don't you know that by now?"
Sadly, yes.
"All right, I'll call him. Today, even," you agree.
"Promise me."
"Junsu…"
"Just promise, Yoochun! Or I will never forgive you."
"Okay, okay, I promise!" God, what is it with him? Shit, now you really have to call.
You roll your eyes but go on talking. The more you can stall, the better.
Title: Feel
"The guy kept insisting I had to park outside, even after I showed him my I.D.," Yunho was saying, looking annoyed. "So, I had to call my boss and he chewed the guy out, told him I'm a highly esteemed employee, how dare he deny me entry?” Casting away his frustration, Yunho grinned. “It was kind of funny, though. The guy was such an asshole."
Jaejoong laughs, covering his mouth as he's wont to do. He looks happy right now, sitting on the sofa, hair still damp after a much-needed shower. It has been days since you called Yunho and he offered to come over and talk with Jaejoong, see how he was doing. Jaejoong wouldn't hear about it, though; he refused to see his former lover.
"I think it's because of you and Changmin," you told Yunho after the third time. "He won't admit it, but he hasn't been very happy about me talking with Changmin lately."
"Oh." The dancer sounded as surprised as you had been when you had finally made the connection.
Today, he came by unexpectedly. Jaejoong refused to see him looking like hell, so he had rushed off to shower and get ready. You couldn't understand him then, and you still don't. He's smiling for the first time since you came back, laughing at Yunho's work woes. With you, on the other hand…
You can't help it: you're jealous. Seeing them together drives you insane. It's clear that Jaejoong needs him, though.
"Why do things like that always happen to you?" Jaejoong asks, eyes shining with amusement. Yunho shrugs, smiling.
"I don't know. Maybe I come off as an arrogant prick or something."
Jaejoong shakes his head, gazing affectionately at the other man.
"Never."
Okay, time for you to get out of there.
"I'm going up to Junsu's for a bit," you tell them. Yunho smiles at you.
"Say hi from me. I haven't been able to call."
"I will."
Jaejoong only gives you a blank look.
You take the elevator and go straight to Junsu's door, knocking with perhaps more force than necessary. He opens the door seconds later, eyeglasses perched on his nose. Shit, had he been working?
"Yoochun?" You don't let him say anything else, just throw yourself in his arms. He catches you, holding you hesitantly. "Yoochun, what is it?"
You close your eyes, needing this right now.
"I'm being an idiot," you admit. "I'm jealous."
Junsu shifts his weight to hold you less awkwardly.
"Jealous? Why?" He sounds so confused and, damn it, you feel so stupid.
"He's downstairs and he's smiling and laughing and being all affectionate and I hate it!" The thought makes you miserable. "Why can he do that with Yunho and not with me? Am I not good enough? Is he sick of me already?"
"Yoochun," Junsu sounds impatient, like when he's about to talk to you like you're a child-which is always annoying, to be honest, but you'll forgive him this time. "You're being an idiot."
You roll your eyes.
"I thought we established that already," you reply. "And still I can't help it."
He sighs, stroking your back.
"You're being childish, too," he adds. "I thought you were feeling secure in your relationship."
You shake your head.
"Not since a few days ago," you admit. "He keeps pulling away. And when I said I was coming to see you, he didn't bat an eye, didn't even say 'See you later' or anything. But with Yunho…"
"You need to talk to Jaejoong. I don't think there's anything else you can do. Besides letting go of me. Please." You do as asked, but then he sees the tears that fell-stupid, stupid tears-while you held on to him. He wipes them away, gaze softening. "This is taking a toll on you, too, isn't it?"
He grabs your hand and makes you sit at the kitchen table. You wait patiently, wondering what they're talking about, what they are doing. You know you're being completely irrational, but you think you must be losing it; you’ve finally gone insane.
Junsu returns soon enough with tea and guilts you into drinking some. The liquid is soothing and helps you relax. You finally stop thinking about what's happening downstairs, at least somewhat. However, as tension seeps out, exhaustion begins to set in.
"Better?" Junsu asks minutes later, sipping his own cup while watching you. You nod, sleepy. "By the way, how goes the job search?"
The question makes you roll your eyes, but you're relaxed enough that you don't care.
"I've sent out résumés, got a couple of calls. I'm so afraid of leaving Jaejoong alone, though." You sigh. "I keep wondering, what will I find when I get home?"
"Get him a nurse?" Junsu suggests. "To keep an eye on him, make sure he takes his medication. Your savings won't last forever…"
"I know!" you snap. You close your eyes, willing the frustration away. "I know, Junsu. That's why I'm looking for a job. I have two interviews next week."
"Oh. That's good," he says, smiling again. You just drink more tea. "About Jaejoong, though, I could stay with him after I get off from school, depending on your hours."
"Oh, God, Junsu, I can’t ask you to do something-"
"I'm offering," he stops you. "It wouldn't be a hassle. I am worried about him, too, you know."
You sigh, smiling, and grab his hand, holding it lightly.
"Whatever did I do to deserve you?" you ask, wondering over and over, just like you have been the last few years.
He smiles wryly, holding your hand tightly. Why does he look so sad?
"Be yourself, I guess," he says. "Or maybe I'm an idiot, who knows?" He grins.
You stare into his eyes. Suddenly, the atmosphere changes and you see yourself moving closer, so close…
Junsu turns away just as your lips are about to touch his.
"You'll regret it," he says softly. You blink, stunned. What the hell are you doing?
"Oh, god," you whisper, heart beating fast. "Junsu…"
"Nothing happened," he says. "Let's leave it at that." His gaze is so intense, though, so… hopeful. For a moment, you consider it, just taking him into your arms and kissing him deeply, roughly. You're so starved for affection right now, so stressed, so confused, you want to do it. You know he still loves you (you have no idea why), he would do it if you insisted, Hyukjae and Jaejoong be damned.
You push the urge away, though. You shake your head, feeling like a complete bastard. What is wrong with you?
"I'm sorry," you apologize at once, reaching out to hug him, instead. He hugs back, hands clutching at your shirt. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing."
"It's all right," he insists. "Let's forget about it. Please."
You nod in agreement and let go. It's time to go back, anyway. You say goodbye hesitantly, hoping that your friendship isn't ruined. If you didn't have Junsu… you wouldn't be alive right now. He's the purest, most amazing friend you’ve ever had.
And you must be the most horrible human being on earth.
Title: Jealousy
"Well, it's better than him drinking himself to death, though, isn't it?"
The comment strikes you as completely insensitive, but, well, Changmin is right. What do you prefer: a Jaejoong intent on killing himself through thoughtless actions or a Jaejoong who…?
"I don't know about that," you interrupt your train of thought. "To be honest, neither makes me happy and I doubt being in either state makes him happy." You remember how lost he seemed every time you met throughout the years, and his tears…
"I guess," Changmin replies staring down at his food. "If only you knew how his mind works, what he's feeling right now. Like you said, I doubt he's happy this way, being tired all the time, wasting away in front of the TV."
You're about to reply, when you suddenly remember a fact (that keeps annoying the hell out of you no matter how you try to convince yourself that it's stupid and irrational).
"Well, not entirely. I mean, he's pretty happy when Yunho visits." You didn't mean for your tone to come out so bitter, but, eh, what's done is done.
Changmin looks up, gazing into your eyes. What is he searching for?
"You're jealous of Yunho?" Why must he be so damn blunt?
You shrug, looking away.
"It's silly. I'll get over it." You hope.
The younger man is still staring at you, though, chin propped on his hand, an eyebrow raised. Okay, this is beginning to get annoying.
"Would you stop that?" you snap at him. He doesn't even blink, brown eyes fixed onto you.
"So, uh, what do think will happen? Do you think they'll get back together or something?" Changmin asks. You shake your head.
"No." You pause. "I don't think so. Why?"
"Stop being such an idiot!" he snaps at you. Honestly, you're getting tired of being called that word. Aren't there better insults somewhere? "Do you even realize what you're saying? And to me!"
"I just said Jaejoong’s only happy when Yunho’s around. I'm not implying Jaejoong is… in love with him or anything."
He rolls his eyes at you.
"Yunho loves Jaejoong, there's no question about it. He knows Jaejoong loves you, though. Why do you think he…?" Changmin swallows hard, looking down. "Why do you think he sought me out?"
You glare at him, shaking your head.
"I don't want to talk about this." It takes everything you have not to raise your voice. "And definitely not here!"
"You brought it up," Changmin returns. Well, you can't argue with that. "He knew you and Jaejoong had been together for a couple of months before he decided to tell me. It took him that long to realize Jaejoong wouldn't come back to him, no matter how much he wanted it. He thought I should know and we… kind of bonded over that, I guess. I fought my attraction to him because I kept hoping you would come back to me and Jaejoong would leave like he always did."
Shit, you really don't want to hear any of this. Why is Changmin torturing you?
"Changmin…"
"Do you honestly think, after all the pain Yunho went through with him, he'll want Jaejoong back? Especially when he knows he isn't loved?"
Oh. Okay, that makes you feel like a complete idiot. You sigh.
"Look, it's not just about being jealous. If only you saw him on a regular day and then the contrast when Yunho comes visit." You shake your head, growing more frustrated by the second. "It's like I don't matter anymore."
"And Yunho does?" Changmin asks, finally looking away.
"I don't know." He must, somehow, if he can change Jaejoong's entire mood just by walking through the door. "Look, I know I must sound really selfish right now. I should be focusing on him getting better instead of… whining like this. I just…" You close your eyes, hating that you feel this way. "I miss him. He's right there, next to me, but at the same time, it's like he isn't there at all. We barely talk or interact no matter how hard I try. I just want him back."
Changmin sighs.
"He's not coming back, Yoochun, not the way you want him to. That would mean him getting out of treatment, never learning to manage his condition. And what would you have left? The same thing you had before: nothing."
He's right and you know it; you don't hate it any less.
"Be patient," Changmin says, holding your gaze.
What else can you do?
Title: Free
"There's this awesome spot right by the shore! It's beautiful and dark and terrifying, and…"
He goes on and on with a litany of adjectives you couldn't care less about. It's two in the freaking morning! Why in the world would you care about some spot on the beach? You just want to go back to bed, and you keep nodding off, except then he'll raise his voice and you'll have no choice but to listen.
"Yoochunnie, are you listening?" he whines. The tone rather surprises you. Has he ever spoken to you this way? Then again, you have been friends what, two, three weeks? That's not enough time to get to know anyone (and especially this guy).
Not twenty minutes earlier, you were woken up by the sound of someone knocking on your bedroom window. You were startled, to say the least; you jumped on your feet and turned to the window at once. And there he was, grinning as if waking you up at nearly two in the morning was absolutely normal.
"What are you doing here?" God, you were so angry, you’d almost wished there wasn't a window between the two of you so you could throttle him. "Do you know what time it is?"
"Get dressed. I have a car! We can go for a ride!" was his oh so pertinent answer. Did he not care at all about it being a school night?
"Hyung…"
"Come on, just for a little while. Please?" And he pouted, the guy actually pouted! For some inexplicable reason, that did it for you.
You told him to go back to the car and stop making noise before he woke your father up. Then you changed into jeans and a t-shirt and left the house, keys in your pocket. And then you saw the car.
It was… old. And… dark, and… Hell, you couldn't even tell what brand it was!
"Come on!" he called out. You had to shush him before finally getting into the car. Okay, it was neat enough, not all grimy and greasy like you expected. In fact, it was pretty nice…
Until he started driving.
All throughout the ride you keep wondering why a guy who isn't even eighteen yet (or is he eighteen already? You have no idea) is driving. Won't you get in trouble if a police officer stops you?
"Nah, I do this all the time," he assures you when you ask. "I was only stopped once and the guy let me go." There is something about his grin, but you don't feel like asking. Still, you briefly wonder how that is possible when he drives a bit like a maniac. Ah, never mind. You settle more comfortably into your seat and tune him out as he goes on and on.
It feels like forever before you finally arrive to wherever it is he wants to go. He nearly pushes you out of the car, so eager to share this place with you. Pushy bastard. When you finally do step out of the car, however… The beach at night: the cool wind brushing your skin, dark skies covered in stars. There's a sense of peace there. For the first time in what feels like forever, you think that maybe things will be all right.
You would have stayed out there gladly had Jaejoong not pulled you back into the car. He offers you a cigarette-which you accept without hesitation-and then gets out a few bottles of what looks like soju. He takes a long swig directly from the bottle and offers, as well. You decline.
"Never had any?" he asks, curiosity shaping his features. You shake your head.
"I don't want any." He gives you an incredulous look, but you couldn't care less what he thinks.
Music plays on the radio while you smoke and he drinks. It's almost relaxing, being out at an ungodly hour with the friend from hell, away from home and your father (and all the memories that your mother and brother left behind). Wouldn't it be wonderful if you never had to go back?
"Why don't you want to drink?" Jaejoong asks suddenly, gazing at you curiously. You shrug.
"I just don't want to." You don't want to tell him that your parents used to fight about your father's drinking habits, or that your mother is completely against it. She may not be home anymore, and you might be curious about the contents of Jaejoong's bottle, how it tastes, what it feels like when it goes to your head; despite it all, you don't want to. You wonder about its effect on your friend. Jaejoong is so hyperactive usually. Does alcohol mellow him out? Or does it make him worse? You've heard that some people start laughing and can't stop; others cry; others become… amorous? In all honesty, you don't want to have to have to deal with Jaejoong in any of these states.
"You're weird," Jaejoong declares. Huh, pot calling kettle…
"Shut up," you say bitterly. "You're weird enough as it is and you're drinking. I don't see the connection."
He smirks before bringing the bottle to his lips again. Why the hell is he so amused?
"You're cute," he says after swallowing. You're sure you must have made some funny facial expression, for he immediately bursts out laughing. "Chill out. I'm not hitting on you."
You roll your eyes and get out of the car. At least you won't have to look at him anymore.
Not ten minutes later he's out with you and singing along with the radio. You're sitting against the windshield and he does the same, except he throws his head back dramatically before finally settling down. For god's sake.
"Isn't it pretty?" he asks, smiling as he gazes up at the stars. You nod and next thing you know he's telling you stories about the stars and the constellations and a load of information you would have never thought he possessed. He speaks too fast, though, too animated and loudly and it comes to the point where you just don't understand what the hell he's talking about. You think it must be the alcohol, for he suddenly stops making any sense at all.
You almost want to tell him to stop, to shut up, but he looks so happy and he knows he has your attention, so he goes on and on, expressing idea after idea after idea, some ridiculous, others interesting and some completely out of his league (or so you think).
Forever later, he goes quiet, smiling as he gazes up at the sky.
"I wish every night was like this," he says wistfully.
You sigh, taking in his words, gazing up at the stars.
"Me, too."
Title: Trust
"Hey. How are you?"
You're surprised to see him around today, though you're not sure why you're surprised. He comes by at least every other day, usually after work or on his days off. You can't help but wonder how Changmin feels about it all, but your former lover is tight-lipped about it. Not that it matters.
You open the door wider.
"Hey, Yunho. Come in." No use fighting a lost battle.
The sound of the shower comes all the way to the entrance to the hall. Oh, so he heard. You try not to roll your eyes as you return to the living room.
"Would you like something to drink?" you offer. Yunho smiles, shaking his head.
"I'm fine, thanks." He bites his lip in thought, and he seems about to say something, but then changes his mind (you notice when he shakes his head slightly). "Junsu said you had an interview today?"
You nod. It didn't go too badly, as far as interviews go. Your résumé seemed to impress your potential employers.
"They're supposed to call me for a second interview," you reply, shrugging. "Regular work hours, good pay. I'm keeping my fingers crossed."
"I hope you get it," he says honestly (and reminds you exactly why you could never hate him).
He comes out soon enough and you watch as he smiles at Yunho (and only at Yunho). A part of you is happy. He's reacting to something and someone. You know you shouldn't complain. And yet…
You excuse yourself and go out to the balcony for a smoke. Today was nerve wracking, no matter how you try to rationalize it. The interview went smoothly, but you're sure some of your anxiety must have shown-after all, you had left him alone at home, even if only a few hours. The fear is too strong, sometimes it's too much and you can't sleep nor eat, until you catch yourself just in time. You can't let yourself go, his therapist said you need to be strong for him if you really mean to take care of him. That's not going to change. Not unless he changes his mind.
Soon you'll have a job again, a sure source of income. You need to start saving again; you keep thinking about any emergencies that could arise; you need to remind yourself that anything could happen. Plus, you need to get someone to take care of him while you're at work.
The ashtray is full, you notice suddenly. How long have you been out here, chain smoking? Shit, and it's already time for dinner. Once again you wonder if he'll eat whatever you choose to cook, or maybe you should just heat yesterday's leftovers, there is enough for the both of you and even Yunho if he wants.
With that in mind, you go back inside. They're still talking, but Yunho is pocketing his cell phone. Is he leaving already?
"See you later, okay?" he says gently, before he drops a gentle kiss on Jaejoong's forehead. Your lover looks so grateful.
"Hey, Yoochun, can I talk to you a moment?" Yunho asks and it's only then that you realize you were staring.
"Yeah, sure." He gestures toward the front door, so you follow. Once there, you're not sure what to make of his expression. "What is it?"
He looks away, as if thinking on how to begin.
"I'm not going to take him away from you," he says bluntly. You look up into his eyes, surprised at the words, but then you see it. Shit.
"Changmin told you." You close your eyes briefly, feeling embarrassed. He nods.
"He did. I don't want you to feel I'm a threat because I'm not. If you want me to stop coming over, though…"
You shake your head.
"No, I don't want you to stop coming over. I'm just… being petty." You sigh. "You make him happy. I would never take that away from him."
He holds your gaze, looking serious.
"I know things will always be… weird between you and me, and not without reason. But you know you can talk to me if you need to. I've been where you are. I know how hard it can be. I also know that if you don't talk about it, it'll eat you inside."
You smile slightly. That's Yunho, always full of surprises, and yet not. However, you think on everything he has just told you. He would understand, wouldn't he?
"Sometimes… I wonder if he hates our life together," you say honestly, all the frustration coming back full force. "I wonder if he hates depending on me, even if he agreed to it. I hate feeling like I'm holding him back, and yet… I don't know. Maybe I should do more."
Yunho shakes his head.
"I felt the same way," he says. He snorts, smiling wryly. "Like I wasn't enough, I didn't give him what he needed. I did everything I could to make him happy. I took him back even when I knew he wasn't faithful. And when he finally broke down and had to start treatment, I was there. And, you know what? I don't regret any of it." He takes a deep breath and exhales. "He tried, for me and for himself, he tried so hard. When you came back into his life…" Oh god, why is he bringing that up now?
"Please, don't…"
"He wanted to be the Jaejoong you loved. He got tired of everything. It happens. But I don't think you need to worry about that."
"What makes you so sure?" If he mistreated Yunho despite everything he did for his sake, who is to say that the older man won’t do the same to you?
"Because he loves you. He didn't love me half as much as he loves you." He looks at you incredulously. "Do you know how long he has wanted this? To be with you and live with you? When we first met, you were all he talked about." He shakes his head as if trying to dispel the memories. "Please have a little faith in him? I know it's hard, but… He's still here, isn't he?"
Is he?
Title: Pretend
"Come on, try," Junsu told you early that morning. You frowned, considering his request. "It's just dinner and then hanging out for a little while. Yunho and Changmin will be here, too."
"I don't know…"
"Just try!" He was beginning to sound frustrated; you couldn't really blame him. "Ask, insist a bit. He needs to leave that apartment. It's not healthy."
He was right, of course-Junsu is always right, you think, rolling your eyes-so you agreed. You ambushed Jaejoong while he was watching TV, turned the device off and sat on the coffee table, facing him.
"Junsu wants us to come over for dinner tonight and he won't take no for an answer," you say bluntly. "He'll never shut up about it if we don't go. So, please, just this once?"
He was ready to complain, you could tell right away by his tired sigh.
"I don't want to. You go." The same answer as always.
"You need to leave the apartment sometime," you reminded him. He looked away at that. You sighed. So, you would have to use him to get him to come along? "Yunho will be there."
His face lit up at the name. Oh, so that was all it took to get him to do anything?
You know you're frowning, sitting next to him on Junsu's couch while he and Yunho talk and talk, like they always do. Everyone is engaged in conversation, as per usual, immersed in topics you still care nothing about. Some things never change.
Nevertheless, you focus on the positive things. Jaejoong ate more than half his dinner for the first time since you returned to the city. He has been talking rather animatedly with everyone, answering questions, voicing out opinions. It's a complete contrast to how he usually is at home, and while part of you wonders if it's all an act, you're glad for it.
Junsu sits next to you all of a sudden, smiling smugly.
"It seems to have been a good idea after all," he says. You have to nod in agreement.
"Thanks," you say. "I don't think he would have come if Yunho hadn't been here."
"I know." He glances at them. "He does look happy with him."
You shrug. While you're still jealous, Yunho reassured you and you believe him. Besides, you would never forgive him if he hurt Changmin (you choose to forget that you hurt him first, but, whatever).
"At least something makes him smile," you reply. Junsu smiles softly.
"Things will get better," he promises in a whisper. You decide not to tell him that he can't be sure about that. Instead, you thank him.
It's not even midnight when Jaejoong suddenly tells you he wants to go home. You're surprised-he has seemed so happy for hours now; you even thought he was happy to be out of the apartment for once. Maybe he's just tired?
Both of you say goodbye and take the elevator downstairs. He's quiet the few minutes you stand there, waiting, but he fidgets. What's bothering him? The doors open just as you're about to ask. So you don't.
He follows you into the apartment as soon as you open the door. You're not surprised when he goes directly into the bedroom; surely, he wants to change into comfortable clothes. How long since he has worn anything other than pajamas? Well, save for when Yunho comes over, but even then he changes as soon as his former lover leaves.
You follow, but you look away from him even as you hear him move behind you, on the other side of the bed. So, this is it, then? Another night like all the ones before: you change into pajamas and then go to bed and try to sleep. It's no use to stay in the living room or log onto the computer, you'll just obsess over him and everything in your life and you'll still be awake when the sun rises. No, it's better to go to bed just after he does, that way you don't invade his space (he kept pushing you away after you returned to your apartment from your hometown; you're still respecting that) and he can pretend to be asleep by the time you lie next to him.
You stop just as you're about to reach for your shirt. Why did he change when you came back? What changed? Does this place bother him? Does it remind him of his suicide attempt? Does it evoke feelings in him that he wants to escape from? And you want to ask so badly, but you can't, not if he'll keep shooting you down like he does with absolutely everything else.
Suddenly, you feel hands on your skin and then arms are sliding around your waist. He's so close, you can feel the warmth of his body as his bare chest comes in contact with your back. What is he doing?
Your voice catches in your throat as he comes to stand in front of you, arms still around you; he holds you tightly, almost clinging to you. You want to ask, is there something wrong? Does he want to talk? Yet you can't force yourself to speak, you can only watch and wait, and slide your arms around him (because you need him, you miss him, and God, you'll take whatever he gives you). He doesn't meet your gaze, only closes his eyes, holding on.
The first kiss catches you off guard, but then there's another and another, until you can't count them anymore. He feels so good against you, his lips taste like heaven and you have to give in. You let him pull you down to the bed, you let him push you down while he kisses you passionately, so much feeling in it, you don't know what to think (do you even want to?). He takes control (like he usually does), and you let him know that you want him, you'll give him anything he wants and you'll take anything he wants to give you. His hand slides under your underwear, though; he whispers "I want this" against your lips. It's all he needs to say.
You hold on to him and shift your positions so he's under you. He barely lets you move, though, arms around your shoulders (unwilling to let go). When you grasp his hard length, he hisses, moves against your hand, wordlessly asking for more. You haven't had sex in what feels like forever, so you try to go slowly; he doesn't let you, though, "Fuck me," he growls against your lips. So, you do.
He tenses when you first enter him; he lets go of your lips, gasping softly. As you start moving, slowly developing a rhythm, he pants against you, he moans, but more than once he sounds strange, like he's in pain, and you want to stop, but he refuses, pushing his hips up, taking you in as deeply as he can. Then he's kissing you again, he pulls you down and you obey, until you can't but let loose against him; he feels so good, so hot and real against you; you've missed this, you've missed him, his touch and his kisses and just being with him. Why should you stop if this is what he wants? What you both want?
You're so focused on his lips and the way he feels around you, you don't expect it when his body goes taut all of a sudden; then he's coming into his hand, motions almost erratic as he tries to prolong it as much as he can. It's all you need to bring you over the edge; you push into him once, twice, and you're gone. You close your eyes; it seems to go on forever, you can't stop moving inside him; you don't want this is to end, but it does.
You collapse next to him after it's over. You still can't believe it. Did the two of you really just have sex? Is this a dream? How many months since the last time he touched you like this?
A sound breaks you from your thoughts. When you look at him, you become alarmed at once: he's crying, chest heaving as if he's trying to be quiet. Why…?
"Hyung," you say softly, leaning over him, softly touching the side of his face with your knuckles. "What is it? Why are you crying?"
He only shakes his head as he seems to break down, crying out loud, each sob making his body shake uncontrollably. You hold him close, bewildered, wondering what happened. Did you do something? Is this your fault? Or is it something else?
No words answer your questions. You can only hold him and let him cry against you.
Author: Milena Pandora/milena_1980
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: JaeChun (main), YooSu, YooMin, JaeHo, HoMin, HyukSu
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Warning: Suicidal feelings; suicidal ideation; references to substance abuse; self-harm
Trigger Warning: Self-harm & Suicidal actions
Summary: Soulmates never die
A/N: A series of connected drabbles/ficlets. Not always in chronological order. Title from Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo.
A/N2: Written in second person point-of-view.
Title: Stolen
"It's so funny!" and she laughs so everyone nearby hears.
She's smiling happily while talking with him, the guy who stole her from you. You're not jealous (or so you tell yourself), she's nothing but a memory right now. Which really makes you wonder: why the hell are you standing there watching them?
You frown, looking away and making your way out of school. You thought you would be over it by now, but, really, it has only been about a week since she broke up with you and she already has a new boyfriend?! She could have at least waited a couple of weeks. But no, now your classmates look at you with pity. Fuck them! What the hell do they know?
It's time to go home, anyway.
You stare at the ground as you walk, trying to get her image and the sound of her voice out of your head. Why must she still affect you so much? Because you thought it was more than just puppy love. Idiot, you think to yourself. You wish there was something to kick at, release your frustrations on, but no, there's nothing. How are you supposed to forget when they parade their relationship in front of you every damn day? Forget about it, you tell yourself, trying to focus on the things you need to do when you get home.
Not a minute later, you feel someone walking behind you. You don't doubt it could be a random schoolmate, except the last two days have been beyond strange and you fear… Shit. He's following you again! Has your refusal to acknowledge him the past two days done nothing to convince him that you want him to stay away from you? Maybe he is crazy, like people at school say, the more reason why you don't want him anywhere near you. So he gave you a cigarette once. That doesn’t automatically make you friends!
You shake your head and continue walking, doing your best to ignore him. This is the last thing you need: a crazy stalker intent on getting your attention at all costs. You walk faster, hoping to lose him along the way, but no, there he is, hands in his pockets, grinning like the idiot he is.
As soon as you get home, you're ready to do what you've done the previous two times: open the door, lock it, and forget about him. Both times, he just watched the house for a few minutes before going on his merry way. This time, however, you're already fed up.
You turn around to face him. He stops abruptly, raising his brow-in surprise, is your best guess-giving you his full attention. Good.
"Why the hell are you following me?" you ask, already at your wit's end. He shrugs.
"Because I want to," he answers, smiling brightly. You sigh impatiently.
"Look, I don't want to be friends with you. Just stay away from me." You turn to your door, hoping that will be enough.
"You're lonely," he says, suddenly. You stop, taking in his words. What does he care?
"So?" you ask. He's grinning when you look back at him. Why must he act so cocky, so damn confident? He's a nobody at school, a total outcast. Not even the girls who harbor crushes on him want to get near enough to find out if all the rumors are true. And yet, here he is, gazing at you like he knows all the answers in the universe-acting like he fucking knows you. Who the hell does he think he is?
"I like you," he says, shrugging. There's nothing suggestive about his tone, it's a simple statement. What is that supposed to mean?
"So I'm supposed to talk and pay attention to you because you suddenly decided you like me?"
He pauses to think, before shrugging again.
"Yeah."
You sigh impatiently, turning away from him. He's right: your girlfriend broke up with you, your friends at school don't seem to care anymore; even your family… But him? All right, so Kim Jaejoong may be a little off, but maybe he isn’t so bad, after all?
Damn it.
You roll your eyes, turning to face him again.
"Fine! Come in. But don't touch anything."
He smiles brightly, walking over and following you inside the house. Hopefully, you won't regret this.
Title: Rest
"It's almost like we're back at square one."
You look into the living room. He's still lying there, watching TV motionlessly. You sigh, running a hand through your hair in frustration, and return to the bedroom, phone to your ear still.
"He's not eating, I have to force feed him. He showers because I remind him to, otherwise I bet he wouldn't for days." You sit on the bed, on the verge of tears. "I don't know what to do."
At the other end of the line, you hear Junsu sigh. He has been calling every day since you got back to the city days ago. He keeps asking if he can visit, that he would like to see both you and Jaejoong, but every time you tell your lover, he shakes his head and looks away. You're getting tired of making up excuses you know Junsu doesn't believe, but you won't force Jaejoong to do something he doesn't want to do, no matter how much his doctor back at the hospital insisted.
"He shouldn't be alone," the doctor said. "Keep him busy and get him as much social interaction as he can handle."
So far, you're a failure. At least he's taking his medication, and maybe someday he'll get out of this terrible depression and return to his normal self somewhat (without the disappearing or the substance abuse or the insanity). It's painful to watch him like this and you're so afraid of leaving him alone. Even going grocery shopping drives you crazy with worry.
"You should both come over soon," Junsu says. "Maybe being around other people would make him feel better. And he knows us, so no worries there."
"I'll try convincing him. He's so tired all the time." You close your eyes. "I really thought he was getting better. That day at the beach… I could have sworn, Junsu. I thought he was okay."
"Have you found a doctor yet?"
"He has an appointment next week." You've never been to a psychiatrist before. What must it be like? You may need to talk with the doctor since you're Jaejoong's caretaker now. "He didn't seem to care much when I told him. It’s like everything he said were lies."
"Yoochun, you need to be patient. Isn't that what Yunho told you?"
"Yeah." He had, more than once.
"Have you spoken to him since you got back?" How like Junsu to ask when you're feeling so out of sorts.
"Once, to tell him we were back. We haven't spoken since. Changmin said he has crazy hours at work these days." Talking with Changmin feels so good, relaxing almost. The younger man just asks questions and gives you bits of advice, at least when it comes to things that are common sense (which you lack a bit of, sadly). What have you done to deserve such amazing friends?
"Oh. You should call him, though, and tell him what's going on. Maybe he can help." You lie down, listening intently. Won't it be disrespectful to call Yunho when he's working so hard, though?
"I don't want to bother him."
"It's for Jaejoong," Junsu says, sounding impatient. "And Yunho would kill you if you didn't tell him. Don't you know that by now?"
Sadly, yes.
"All right, I'll call him. Today, even," you agree.
"Promise me."
"Junsu…"
"Just promise, Yoochun! Or I will never forgive you."
"Okay, okay, I promise!" God, what is it with him? Shit, now you really have to call.
You roll your eyes but go on talking. The more you can stall, the better.
Title: Feel
"The guy kept insisting I had to park outside, even after I showed him my I.D.," Yunho was saying, looking annoyed. "So, I had to call my boss and he chewed the guy out, told him I'm a highly esteemed employee, how dare he deny me entry?” Casting away his frustration, Yunho grinned. “It was kind of funny, though. The guy was such an asshole."
Jaejoong laughs, covering his mouth as he's wont to do. He looks happy right now, sitting on the sofa, hair still damp after a much-needed shower. It has been days since you called Yunho and he offered to come over and talk with Jaejoong, see how he was doing. Jaejoong wouldn't hear about it, though; he refused to see his former lover.
"I think it's because of you and Changmin," you told Yunho after the third time. "He won't admit it, but he hasn't been very happy about me talking with Changmin lately."
"Oh." The dancer sounded as surprised as you had been when you had finally made the connection.
Today, he came by unexpectedly. Jaejoong refused to see him looking like hell, so he had rushed off to shower and get ready. You couldn't understand him then, and you still don't. He's smiling for the first time since you came back, laughing at Yunho's work woes. With you, on the other hand…
You can't help it: you're jealous. Seeing them together drives you insane. It's clear that Jaejoong needs him, though.
"Why do things like that always happen to you?" Jaejoong asks, eyes shining with amusement. Yunho shrugs, smiling.
"I don't know. Maybe I come off as an arrogant prick or something."
Jaejoong shakes his head, gazing affectionately at the other man.
"Never."
Okay, time for you to get out of there.
"I'm going up to Junsu's for a bit," you tell them. Yunho smiles at you.
"Say hi from me. I haven't been able to call."
"I will."
Jaejoong only gives you a blank look.
You take the elevator and go straight to Junsu's door, knocking with perhaps more force than necessary. He opens the door seconds later, eyeglasses perched on his nose. Shit, had he been working?
"Yoochun?" You don't let him say anything else, just throw yourself in his arms. He catches you, holding you hesitantly. "Yoochun, what is it?"
You close your eyes, needing this right now.
"I'm being an idiot," you admit. "I'm jealous."
Junsu shifts his weight to hold you less awkwardly.
"Jealous? Why?" He sounds so confused and, damn it, you feel so stupid.
"He's downstairs and he's smiling and laughing and being all affectionate and I hate it!" The thought makes you miserable. "Why can he do that with Yunho and not with me? Am I not good enough? Is he sick of me already?"
"Yoochun," Junsu sounds impatient, like when he's about to talk to you like you're a child-which is always annoying, to be honest, but you'll forgive him this time. "You're being an idiot."
You roll your eyes.
"I thought we established that already," you reply. "And still I can't help it."
He sighs, stroking your back.
"You're being childish, too," he adds. "I thought you were feeling secure in your relationship."
You shake your head.
"Not since a few days ago," you admit. "He keeps pulling away. And when I said I was coming to see you, he didn't bat an eye, didn't even say 'See you later' or anything. But with Yunho…"
"You need to talk to Jaejoong. I don't think there's anything else you can do. Besides letting go of me. Please." You do as asked, but then he sees the tears that fell-stupid, stupid tears-while you held on to him. He wipes them away, gaze softening. "This is taking a toll on you, too, isn't it?"
He grabs your hand and makes you sit at the kitchen table. You wait patiently, wondering what they're talking about, what they are doing. You know you're being completely irrational, but you think you must be losing it; you’ve finally gone insane.
Junsu returns soon enough with tea and guilts you into drinking some. The liquid is soothing and helps you relax. You finally stop thinking about what's happening downstairs, at least somewhat. However, as tension seeps out, exhaustion begins to set in.
"Better?" Junsu asks minutes later, sipping his own cup while watching you. You nod, sleepy. "By the way, how goes the job search?"
The question makes you roll your eyes, but you're relaxed enough that you don't care.
"I've sent out résumés, got a couple of calls. I'm so afraid of leaving Jaejoong alone, though." You sigh. "I keep wondering, what will I find when I get home?"
"Get him a nurse?" Junsu suggests. "To keep an eye on him, make sure he takes his medication. Your savings won't last forever…"
"I know!" you snap. You close your eyes, willing the frustration away. "I know, Junsu. That's why I'm looking for a job. I have two interviews next week."
"Oh. That's good," he says, smiling again. You just drink more tea. "About Jaejoong, though, I could stay with him after I get off from school, depending on your hours."
"Oh, God, Junsu, I can’t ask you to do something-"
"I'm offering," he stops you. "It wouldn't be a hassle. I am worried about him, too, you know."
You sigh, smiling, and grab his hand, holding it lightly.
"Whatever did I do to deserve you?" you ask, wondering over and over, just like you have been the last few years.
He smiles wryly, holding your hand tightly. Why does he look so sad?
"Be yourself, I guess," he says. "Or maybe I'm an idiot, who knows?" He grins.
You stare into his eyes. Suddenly, the atmosphere changes and you see yourself moving closer, so close…
Junsu turns away just as your lips are about to touch his.
"You'll regret it," he says softly. You blink, stunned. What the hell are you doing?
"Oh, god," you whisper, heart beating fast. "Junsu…"
"Nothing happened," he says. "Let's leave it at that." His gaze is so intense, though, so… hopeful. For a moment, you consider it, just taking him into your arms and kissing him deeply, roughly. You're so starved for affection right now, so stressed, so confused, you want to do it. You know he still loves you (you have no idea why), he would do it if you insisted, Hyukjae and Jaejoong be damned.
You push the urge away, though. You shake your head, feeling like a complete bastard. What is wrong with you?
"I'm sorry," you apologize at once, reaching out to hug him, instead. He hugs back, hands clutching at your shirt. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing."
"It's all right," he insists. "Let's forget about it. Please."
You nod in agreement and let go. It's time to go back, anyway. You say goodbye hesitantly, hoping that your friendship isn't ruined. If you didn't have Junsu… you wouldn't be alive right now. He's the purest, most amazing friend you’ve ever had.
And you must be the most horrible human being on earth.
Title: Jealousy
"Well, it's better than him drinking himself to death, though, isn't it?"
The comment strikes you as completely insensitive, but, well, Changmin is right. What do you prefer: a Jaejoong intent on killing himself through thoughtless actions or a Jaejoong who…?
"I don't know about that," you interrupt your train of thought. "To be honest, neither makes me happy and I doubt being in either state makes him happy." You remember how lost he seemed every time you met throughout the years, and his tears…
"I guess," Changmin replies staring down at his food. "If only you knew how his mind works, what he's feeling right now. Like you said, I doubt he's happy this way, being tired all the time, wasting away in front of the TV."
You're about to reply, when you suddenly remember a fact (that keeps annoying the hell out of you no matter how you try to convince yourself that it's stupid and irrational).
"Well, not entirely. I mean, he's pretty happy when Yunho visits." You didn't mean for your tone to come out so bitter, but, eh, what's done is done.
Changmin looks up, gazing into your eyes. What is he searching for?
"You're jealous of Yunho?" Why must he be so damn blunt?
You shrug, looking away.
"It's silly. I'll get over it." You hope.
The younger man is still staring at you, though, chin propped on his hand, an eyebrow raised. Okay, this is beginning to get annoying.
"Would you stop that?" you snap at him. He doesn't even blink, brown eyes fixed onto you.
"So, uh, what do think will happen? Do you think they'll get back together or something?" Changmin asks. You shake your head.
"No." You pause. "I don't think so. Why?"
"Stop being such an idiot!" he snaps at you. Honestly, you're getting tired of being called that word. Aren't there better insults somewhere? "Do you even realize what you're saying? And to me!"
"I just said Jaejoong’s only happy when Yunho’s around. I'm not implying Jaejoong is… in love with him or anything."
He rolls his eyes at you.
"Yunho loves Jaejoong, there's no question about it. He knows Jaejoong loves you, though. Why do you think he…?" Changmin swallows hard, looking down. "Why do you think he sought me out?"
You glare at him, shaking your head.
"I don't want to talk about this." It takes everything you have not to raise your voice. "And definitely not here!"
"You brought it up," Changmin returns. Well, you can't argue with that. "He knew you and Jaejoong had been together for a couple of months before he decided to tell me. It took him that long to realize Jaejoong wouldn't come back to him, no matter how much he wanted it. He thought I should know and we… kind of bonded over that, I guess. I fought my attraction to him because I kept hoping you would come back to me and Jaejoong would leave like he always did."
Shit, you really don't want to hear any of this. Why is Changmin torturing you?
"Changmin…"
"Do you honestly think, after all the pain Yunho went through with him, he'll want Jaejoong back? Especially when he knows he isn't loved?"
Oh. Okay, that makes you feel like a complete idiot. You sigh.
"Look, it's not just about being jealous. If only you saw him on a regular day and then the contrast when Yunho comes visit." You shake your head, growing more frustrated by the second. "It's like I don't matter anymore."
"And Yunho does?" Changmin asks, finally looking away.
"I don't know." He must, somehow, if he can change Jaejoong's entire mood just by walking through the door. "Look, I know I must sound really selfish right now. I should be focusing on him getting better instead of… whining like this. I just…" You close your eyes, hating that you feel this way. "I miss him. He's right there, next to me, but at the same time, it's like he isn't there at all. We barely talk or interact no matter how hard I try. I just want him back."
Changmin sighs.
"He's not coming back, Yoochun, not the way you want him to. That would mean him getting out of treatment, never learning to manage his condition. And what would you have left? The same thing you had before: nothing."
He's right and you know it; you don't hate it any less.
"Be patient," Changmin says, holding your gaze.
What else can you do?
Title: Free
"There's this awesome spot right by the shore! It's beautiful and dark and terrifying, and…"
He goes on and on with a litany of adjectives you couldn't care less about. It's two in the freaking morning! Why in the world would you care about some spot on the beach? You just want to go back to bed, and you keep nodding off, except then he'll raise his voice and you'll have no choice but to listen.
"Yoochunnie, are you listening?" he whines. The tone rather surprises you. Has he ever spoken to you this way? Then again, you have been friends what, two, three weeks? That's not enough time to get to know anyone (and especially this guy).
Not twenty minutes earlier, you were woken up by the sound of someone knocking on your bedroom window. You were startled, to say the least; you jumped on your feet and turned to the window at once. And there he was, grinning as if waking you up at nearly two in the morning was absolutely normal.
"What are you doing here?" God, you were so angry, you’d almost wished there wasn't a window between the two of you so you could throttle him. "Do you know what time it is?"
"Get dressed. I have a car! We can go for a ride!" was his oh so pertinent answer. Did he not care at all about it being a school night?
"Hyung…"
"Come on, just for a little while. Please?" And he pouted, the guy actually pouted! For some inexplicable reason, that did it for you.
You told him to go back to the car and stop making noise before he woke your father up. Then you changed into jeans and a t-shirt and left the house, keys in your pocket. And then you saw the car.
It was… old. And… dark, and… Hell, you couldn't even tell what brand it was!
"Come on!" he called out. You had to shush him before finally getting into the car. Okay, it was neat enough, not all grimy and greasy like you expected. In fact, it was pretty nice…
Until he started driving.
All throughout the ride you keep wondering why a guy who isn't even eighteen yet (or is he eighteen already? You have no idea) is driving. Won't you get in trouble if a police officer stops you?
"Nah, I do this all the time," he assures you when you ask. "I was only stopped once and the guy let me go." There is something about his grin, but you don't feel like asking. Still, you briefly wonder how that is possible when he drives a bit like a maniac. Ah, never mind. You settle more comfortably into your seat and tune him out as he goes on and on.
It feels like forever before you finally arrive to wherever it is he wants to go. He nearly pushes you out of the car, so eager to share this place with you. Pushy bastard. When you finally do step out of the car, however… The beach at night: the cool wind brushing your skin, dark skies covered in stars. There's a sense of peace there. For the first time in what feels like forever, you think that maybe things will be all right.
You would have stayed out there gladly had Jaejoong not pulled you back into the car. He offers you a cigarette-which you accept without hesitation-and then gets out a few bottles of what looks like soju. He takes a long swig directly from the bottle and offers, as well. You decline.
"Never had any?" he asks, curiosity shaping his features. You shake your head.
"I don't want any." He gives you an incredulous look, but you couldn't care less what he thinks.
Music plays on the radio while you smoke and he drinks. It's almost relaxing, being out at an ungodly hour with the friend from hell, away from home and your father (and all the memories that your mother and brother left behind). Wouldn't it be wonderful if you never had to go back?
"Why don't you want to drink?" Jaejoong asks suddenly, gazing at you curiously. You shrug.
"I just don't want to." You don't want to tell him that your parents used to fight about your father's drinking habits, or that your mother is completely against it. She may not be home anymore, and you might be curious about the contents of Jaejoong's bottle, how it tastes, what it feels like when it goes to your head; despite it all, you don't want to. You wonder about its effect on your friend. Jaejoong is so hyperactive usually. Does alcohol mellow him out? Or does it make him worse? You've heard that some people start laughing and can't stop; others cry; others become… amorous? In all honesty, you don't want to have to have to deal with Jaejoong in any of these states.
"You're weird," Jaejoong declares. Huh, pot calling kettle…
"Shut up," you say bitterly. "You're weird enough as it is and you're drinking. I don't see the connection."
He smirks before bringing the bottle to his lips again. Why the hell is he so amused?
"You're cute," he says after swallowing. You're sure you must have made some funny facial expression, for he immediately bursts out laughing. "Chill out. I'm not hitting on you."
You roll your eyes and get out of the car. At least you won't have to look at him anymore.
Not ten minutes later he's out with you and singing along with the radio. You're sitting against the windshield and he does the same, except he throws his head back dramatically before finally settling down. For god's sake.
"Isn't it pretty?" he asks, smiling as he gazes up at the stars. You nod and next thing you know he's telling you stories about the stars and the constellations and a load of information you would have never thought he possessed. He speaks too fast, though, too animated and loudly and it comes to the point where you just don't understand what the hell he's talking about. You think it must be the alcohol, for he suddenly stops making any sense at all.
You almost want to tell him to stop, to shut up, but he looks so happy and he knows he has your attention, so he goes on and on, expressing idea after idea after idea, some ridiculous, others interesting and some completely out of his league (or so you think).
Forever later, he goes quiet, smiling as he gazes up at the sky.
"I wish every night was like this," he says wistfully.
You sigh, taking in his words, gazing up at the stars.
"Me, too."
Title: Trust
"Hey. How are you?"
You're surprised to see him around today, though you're not sure why you're surprised. He comes by at least every other day, usually after work or on his days off. You can't help but wonder how Changmin feels about it all, but your former lover is tight-lipped about it. Not that it matters.
You open the door wider.
"Hey, Yunho. Come in." No use fighting a lost battle.
The sound of the shower comes all the way to the entrance to the hall. Oh, so he heard. You try not to roll your eyes as you return to the living room.
"Would you like something to drink?" you offer. Yunho smiles, shaking his head.
"I'm fine, thanks." He bites his lip in thought, and he seems about to say something, but then changes his mind (you notice when he shakes his head slightly). "Junsu said you had an interview today?"
You nod. It didn't go too badly, as far as interviews go. Your résumé seemed to impress your potential employers.
"They're supposed to call me for a second interview," you reply, shrugging. "Regular work hours, good pay. I'm keeping my fingers crossed."
"I hope you get it," he says honestly (and reminds you exactly why you could never hate him).
He comes out soon enough and you watch as he smiles at Yunho (and only at Yunho). A part of you is happy. He's reacting to something and someone. You know you shouldn't complain. And yet…
You excuse yourself and go out to the balcony for a smoke. Today was nerve wracking, no matter how you try to rationalize it. The interview went smoothly, but you're sure some of your anxiety must have shown-after all, you had left him alone at home, even if only a few hours. The fear is too strong, sometimes it's too much and you can't sleep nor eat, until you catch yourself just in time. You can't let yourself go, his therapist said you need to be strong for him if you really mean to take care of him. That's not going to change. Not unless he changes his mind.
Soon you'll have a job again, a sure source of income. You need to start saving again; you keep thinking about any emergencies that could arise; you need to remind yourself that anything could happen. Plus, you need to get someone to take care of him while you're at work.
The ashtray is full, you notice suddenly. How long have you been out here, chain smoking? Shit, and it's already time for dinner. Once again you wonder if he'll eat whatever you choose to cook, or maybe you should just heat yesterday's leftovers, there is enough for the both of you and even Yunho if he wants.
With that in mind, you go back inside. They're still talking, but Yunho is pocketing his cell phone. Is he leaving already?
"See you later, okay?" he says gently, before he drops a gentle kiss on Jaejoong's forehead. Your lover looks so grateful.
"Hey, Yoochun, can I talk to you a moment?" Yunho asks and it's only then that you realize you were staring.
"Yeah, sure." He gestures toward the front door, so you follow. Once there, you're not sure what to make of his expression. "What is it?"
He looks away, as if thinking on how to begin.
"I'm not going to take him away from you," he says bluntly. You look up into his eyes, surprised at the words, but then you see it. Shit.
"Changmin told you." You close your eyes briefly, feeling embarrassed. He nods.
"He did. I don't want you to feel I'm a threat because I'm not. If you want me to stop coming over, though…"
You shake your head.
"No, I don't want you to stop coming over. I'm just… being petty." You sigh. "You make him happy. I would never take that away from him."
He holds your gaze, looking serious.
"I know things will always be… weird between you and me, and not without reason. But you know you can talk to me if you need to. I've been where you are. I know how hard it can be. I also know that if you don't talk about it, it'll eat you inside."
You smile slightly. That's Yunho, always full of surprises, and yet not. However, you think on everything he has just told you. He would understand, wouldn't he?
"Sometimes… I wonder if he hates our life together," you say honestly, all the frustration coming back full force. "I wonder if he hates depending on me, even if he agreed to it. I hate feeling like I'm holding him back, and yet… I don't know. Maybe I should do more."
Yunho shakes his head.
"I felt the same way," he says. He snorts, smiling wryly. "Like I wasn't enough, I didn't give him what he needed. I did everything I could to make him happy. I took him back even when I knew he wasn't faithful. And when he finally broke down and had to start treatment, I was there. And, you know what? I don't regret any of it." He takes a deep breath and exhales. "He tried, for me and for himself, he tried so hard. When you came back into his life…" Oh god, why is he bringing that up now?
"Please, don't…"
"He wanted to be the Jaejoong you loved. He got tired of everything. It happens. But I don't think you need to worry about that."
"What makes you so sure?" If he mistreated Yunho despite everything he did for his sake, who is to say that the older man won’t do the same to you?
"Because he loves you. He didn't love me half as much as he loves you." He looks at you incredulously. "Do you know how long he has wanted this? To be with you and live with you? When we first met, you were all he talked about." He shakes his head as if trying to dispel the memories. "Please have a little faith in him? I know it's hard, but… He's still here, isn't he?"
Is he?
Title: Pretend
"Come on, try," Junsu told you early that morning. You frowned, considering his request. "It's just dinner and then hanging out for a little while. Yunho and Changmin will be here, too."
"I don't know…"
"Just try!" He was beginning to sound frustrated; you couldn't really blame him. "Ask, insist a bit. He needs to leave that apartment. It's not healthy."
He was right, of course-Junsu is always right, you think, rolling your eyes-so you agreed. You ambushed Jaejoong while he was watching TV, turned the device off and sat on the coffee table, facing him.
"Junsu wants us to come over for dinner tonight and he won't take no for an answer," you say bluntly. "He'll never shut up about it if we don't go. So, please, just this once?"
He was ready to complain, you could tell right away by his tired sigh.
"I don't want to. You go." The same answer as always.
"You need to leave the apartment sometime," you reminded him. He looked away at that. You sighed. So, you would have to use him to get him to come along? "Yunho will be there."
His face lit up at the name. Oh, so that was all it took to get him to do anything?
You know you're frowning, sitting next to him on Junsu's couch while he and Yunho talk and talk, like they always do. Everyone is engaged in conversation, as per usual, immersed in topics you still care nothing about. Some things never change.
Nevertheless, you focus on the positive things. Jaejoong ate more than half his dinner for the first time since you returned to the city. He has been talking rather animatedly with everyone, answering questions, voicing out opinions. It's a complete contrast to how he usually is at home, and while part of you wonders if it's all an act, you're glad for it.
Junsu sits next to you all of a sudden, smiling smugly.
"It seems to have been a good idea after all," he says. You have to nod in agreement.
"Thanks," you say. "I don't think he would have come if Yunho hadn't been here."
"I know." He glances at them. "He does look happy with him."
You shrug. While you're still jealous, Yunho reassured you and you believe him. Besides, you would never forgive him if he hurt Changmin (you choose to forget that you hurt him first, but, whatever).
"At least something makes him smile," you reply. Junsu smiles softly.
"Things will get better," he promises in a whisper. You decide not to tell him that he can't be sure about that. Instead, you thank him.
It's not even midnight when Jaejoong suddenly tells you he wants to go home. You're surprised-he has seemed so happy for hours now; you even thought he was happy to be out of the apartment for once. Maybe he's just tired?
Both of you say goodbye and take the elevator downstairs. He's quiet the few minutes you stand there, waiting, but he fidgets. What's bothering him? The doors open just as you're about to ask. So you don't.
He follows you into the apartment as soon as you open the door. You're not surprised when he goes directly into the bedroom; surely, he wants to change into comfortable clothes. How long since he has worn anything other than pajamas? Well, save for when Yunho comes over, but even then he changes as soon as his former lover leaves.
You follow, but you look away from him even as you hear him move behind you, on the other side of the bed. So, this is it, then? Another night like all the ones before: you change into pajamas and then go to bed and try to sleep. It's no use to stay in the living room or log onto the computer, you'll just obsess over him and everything in your life and you'll still be awake when the sun rises. No, it's better to go to bed just after he does, that way you don't invade his space (he kept pushing you away after you returned to your apartment from your hometown; you're still respecting that) and he can pretend to be asleep by the time you lie next to him.
You stop just as you're about to reach for your shirt. Why did he change when you came back? What changed? Does this place bother him? Does it remind him of his suicide attempt? Does it evoke feelings in him that he wants to escape from? And you want to ask so badly, but you can't, not if he'll keep shooting you down like he does with absolutely everything else.
Suddenly, you feel hands on your skin and then arms are sliding around your waist. He's so close, you can feel the warmth of his body as his bare chest comes in contact with your back. What is he doing?
Your voice catches in your throat as he comes to stand in front of you, arms still around you; he holds you tightly, almost clinging to you. You want to ask, is there something wrong? Does he want to talk? Yet you can't force yourself to speak, you can only watch and wait, and slide your arms around him (because you need him, you miss him, and God, you'll take whatever he gives you). He doesn't meet your gaze, only closes his eyes, holding on.
The first kiss catches you off guard, but then there's another and another, until you can't count them anymore. He feels so good against you, his lips taste like heaven and you have to give in. You let him pull you down to the bed, you let him push you down while he kisses you passionately, so much feeling in it, you don't know what to think (do you even want to?). He takes control (like he usually does), and you let him know that you want him, you'll give him anything he wants and you'll take anything he wants to give you. His hand slides under your underwear, though; he whispers "I want this" against your lips. It's all he needs to say.
You hold on to him and shift your positions so he's under you. He barely lets you move, though, arms around your shoulders (unwilling to let go). When you grasp his hard length, he hisses, moves against your hand, wordlessly asking for more. You haven't had sex in what feels like forever, so you try to go slowly; he doesn't let you, though, "Fuck me," he growls against your lips. So, you do.
He tenses when you first enter him; he lets go of your lips, gasping softly. As you start moving, slowly developing a rhythm, he pants against you, he moans, but more than once he sounds strange, like he's in pain, and you want to stop, but he refuses, pushing his hips up, taking you in as deeply as he can. Then he's kissing you again, he pulls you down and you obey, until you can't but let loose against him; he feels so good, so hot and real against you; you've missed this, you've missed him, his touch and his kisses and just being with him. Why should you stop if this is what he wants? What you both want?
You're so focused on his lips and the way he feels around you, you don't expect it when his body goes taut all of a sudden; then he's coming into his hand, motions almost erratic as he tries to prolong it as much as he can. It's all you need to bring you over the edge; you push into him once, twice, and you're gone. You close your eyes; it seems to go on forever, you can't stop moving inside him; you don't want this is to end, but it does.
You collapse next to him after it's over. You still can't believe it. Did the two of you really just have sex? Is this a dream? How many months since the last time he touched you like this?
A sound breaks you from your thoughts. When you look at him, you become alarmed at once: he's crying, chest heaving as if he's trying to be quiet. Why…?
"Hyung," you say softly, leaning over him, softly touching the side of his face with your knuckles. "What is it? Why are you crying?"
He only shakes his head as he seems to break down, crying out loud, each sob making his body shake uncontrollably. You hold him close, bewildered, wondering what happened. Did you do something? Is this your fault? Or is it something else?
No words answer your questions. You can only hold him and let him cry against you.