Fic: Sleeping With Ghosts 20/?
Title: Sleeping With Ghosts 20/?
Author: Milena Pandora/milena_1980
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: JaeChun (main), YooSu, YooMin, JaeHo, HoMin, HyukSu
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Warning: Suicidal feelings; suicidal ideation; references to substance abuse; self-harm
Trigger Warning: Self-harm & Suicidal actions
Summary: Soulmates never die
A/N: A series of connected drabbles/ficlets. Not always in chronological order. Title from Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo.
A/N2: Written in second person point-of-view.
Title: Down
"I don't need a fucking babysitter."
Your cubicle at the office is nice, small but private, and you can work comfortably. A few of your new coworkers have welcomed you to the company since you arrived nearly two weeks ago, and you keep meeting people from this and that department. You try to be polite, even friendly, but you can't do any more than that-your mind is far away from all of them, focused, as always, on one Kim Jaejoong.
"It's not a babysitter," you tried to reason with him, the bed the only barrier between you. "It's just someone to make sure you eat and take your medication."
He scoffed, shaking his head in annoyance and disbelief.
"You don't trust me," he said, glaring. "You think that the second you walk out that door I'm going to do something stupid."
It took everything you had not to tell him that no, you don't trust him, and yes, you are scared to death of what he might do if left alone. I'm afraid of losing you! Is that not a good enough reason? you wanted to tell him. Would it get through, though? Would he even care?
"Please, can't we just try it?" Was that too much to ask? "Look, it's just for my peace of mind. Let's try a few weeks. Please?"
He paused, exhaling as he looked down.
"A few weeks? You promise?"
You nodded yes, willing to say anything to get him to agree. He groaned in frustration, turning his back on you and looking out the window.
"Fine, I'll accept the babysitter…"
"Nurse."
"Is there really a difference?"
A glance at your watch lets you know it's only a couple more hours until you can go home. The day doesn't pass by as fast as you wish it did, but you make sure to complete your work on time-your superiors will be watching you for the next couple of months, your trial period, one of them called it. You can't afford to lose this right now.
Most days, you can focus on work easily, letting it pull you in until you see nothing but the documents and numbers and graphics in front of you. Other days…
"Is he still mad at you?" Changmin asked last night. You were by yourself in the bedroom (like you usually are, lately), lying in bed, cell phone to your ear. His call brought more relief than you think it should have. You had to admit, though, that the sound of his voice calmed your frayed nerves, the conversation a respite from the unbearable silence.
"He keeps falling asleep on the sofa," you confirmed his suspicions. "He's still giving me the silent treatment, ignores me every chance he gets. If he's not watching TV, he's at the computer or writing in his notebook."
Changmin sighed.
"He'll give in eventually," he said, clearly trying to make you feel better. You frowned, wishing he were right.
"He isn't all that different from before." That sounded so horribly pathetic, but it couldn't be truer.
You sigh, trying to shake off thoughts from the last few days. He's ignoring you, pretending that you don't exist, acting no differently than before your fight over the nurse. She's nice, Lee Heeyoung, around her mid-thirties, you think. Despite everything he said before, though, Jaejoong likes her, both Yunho and Heeyoung have told you so.
"He gets attached easily, believe it or not," Yunho told you one night he came over. Then he laughed softly, looking away. "Jaejoong is just being a stubborn ass. He'll get over it. And then he won't want her to leave."
That's somewhat comforting. You think.
Someone comes by your cubicle and hands you a bunch of folders and some data CDs.
"They want you to review these," she says before rushing away.
That's what they're giving you: company profiles and corresponding marketing research. You're supposed to review them with a critical eye, write reports on how to improve the company’s marketing research model, focusing on every single aspect, including questionnaires, age group focus, advertising strategies and so on.
You aren’t bored, if you're completely honest. This isn't all that different than the work you used to do for the other company, but it feels like you have a purpose here, like you matter. You know it's only a false sense of security and that, at some point, it will all come crashing down. Maybe you'll be as miserable here as you were in your previous job, maybe more so, and life will be hell again. Or, who knows? Maybe you'll love it here, you'll make friends; maybe your job won't beat you to death like the other one did.
Your cell phone vibrates on top of your desk and you hurry to check the screen. A text message. From Yunho?
Heeyoung had to leave early, family emergency. Jaejoong called me. I'm at your place. Just letting you know.
…Oh.
You sigh, putting the device away and going back to work. No time to dwell on stupid insecurities right now.
Title: Meaning
"I wish I had more money. Just look at these boots! Wouldn't they look awesome on me?"
You're lying on your stomach, on your bed, watching your best friend. He has been even more talkative than usual today. As soon as you got home, he produced a flyer. Shoes. On sale. At some girly store. Not that he's looking at women's shoes, he's admiring some really cool boots you would get for yourself if you could. Hmm, it's not what he's doing or saying that bothers you, it's the manner. Jaejoong isn't effeminate, not at all, he's like a kid, rather, and acts cute way too often.
"Yoochunnie," he whines somewhat childishly, pouting-you find you can't look away, gaze fixed on his lips, at how rosy they look and full and even kissable…
You stop. You blink. What. The. Hell? You did not just think that!
He nudges your arm, but you turn away from him, feeling your face heat. Jaejoong is pretty for a guy, weirdly so. You can't help but admire him! That's all it is!
"Don't you think they would look awesome on me?" he asks, sounding like a child seeking approval. You turn to him again, unable and unwilling to hide your annoyance.
"Why do you care what I think? You're the one who's all interested in fashion." You glare at him, but then he's gazing into your eyes, a slow grin spreading on his lips. "What?"
The insufferable bastard doesn't answer, though, smirking as he goes back to the flyer.
"I really want these," he says, sighing.
"Then save for them. Get a job."
Jaejoong frowns, throwing the flyer aside. He sits back against the headboard, arms crossed over his chest.
"My stupid parents won't let me. Last time I got a stupid little job after school…" He trails off, brow furrowed.
"But you're old enough to have a job." Yourself, you've worked during vacations while your father was at work. It isn't hard at all, much less with your father helping you. Jaejoong, though, how old is he, anyway?
"They said that if I get a job, they'll stop paying for school." He moves until he's lying next to you, so close. You're forced to lie on your side to give him more space. "If nothing else, I want to finish high school."
He sighs, visibly upset and frustrated. Why are his parents so controlling, anyway? You would think they would want to be rid of the son they seem to hate so much.
"Can't I come live with you?" he asks, suddenly. You're rendered speechless, and he stares, smirking. "Well?"
"Only if you want my father to kill me!" Your father dislikes him already, no use adding more to the list of reasons. He laughs (you can't look away, watching his every motion, his closed eyes, eyelashes tickling at his pale skin, hand over his mouth). He glances at you again, grinning still, eyes bright with something.
"No, no, can't have my boyfriend dying because of me."
You know you make a face-filled with annoyance and embarrassment, maybe even anger-because then he's laughing loudly, getting off the bed as soon as he sees you grab a pillow. You go after him and hit him three times before returning to the bed and sitting, glaring at him.
"Stop saying stuff like that!" God, if he says you're his boyfriend one more time… "Oh, my God, what if my father hears rumors because of you and your stupid teasing?" You would not be happy, not at all.
Jaejoong leans back against the wall, right next to the window, arms crossed over his chest, eyes on you. He's still smirking and, damn it, how you would love to find a way to make him stop.
"What?" you finally ask, swallowing hard. His gaze makes you feel weird and vulnerable all of a sudden, and you hate it.
"Nothing," he answers, finally, moving to turn on the radio and picking up the flyer. He sits next to you, showing you the pictures. You roll your eyes but listen, like you always do, both to his drivel about boots and then his abrupt pauses to sing along the songs on the radio.
Title: Slow
"He'll get over it."
The TV is on and you're sitting on the sofa, trying to relax. Trying being the key word. You could very easily be immersed in the comedy show that's on (one of Jaejoong's favorite shows), thoughts of work and the world far, far away. Instead, you can't take your eyes off Jaejoong.
He's sitting outside on the balcony, smoking and staring at nothing. You wish you knew what he's thinking right now-hell, now and all of the time. He doesn't talk to you anymore; he barely acknowledges your existence. His actions are petty and childish, but then… Why are you surprised? Did you think that because he's medicated and acting differently than the man he was not so long ago his personality would somehow fade? He has always been childish, always spiteful, prone to ridiculous little tantrums. Jaejoong would do anything to get exactly what he wanted. Six months ago, would you have thought this attitude strange?
You roll your eyes at yourself. Why are you such an idiot? And why do you keep treating him as if he was someone other than who he is? He will forever be the beautiful and stubborn and terrible Jaejoong you met in high school.
The door to the balcony is open, so you step outside, leaning against the wall and facing him. He ignores you (like he always does), but you don't look away.
"Is this how it will be from now on?" you ask softly, but loudly enough for him to hear. "We'll share the same space and pretend the other doesn't exist?"
He brings the cigarette to his lips and inhales, then exhales, wisps of smoke flying away with the wind. Well, it's not like you expect him to answer, anyway.
"I know I'm being overprotective." Your statement catches his attention, you notice when he starts slightly. "Can you blame me, though?" You swallow, trying to find the appropriate words. "When I remember all the years I wondered where you were, when I feared that you might be dead… And then you came back, and still I was afraid, because I knew you would be gone when I least expected it." Your heart still aches at the memories. How many nights did you go to sleep just thinking about him? You shake your head, frustrated beyond belief. "Fuck, Hyung, I love you. Does that even mean anything to you?"
For the first time in days, he looks at you. You can't read his gaze (at least there's no anger this time), but it's something, any reaction is good, even if he glares or frowns or anything. He doesn't speak, though, just watches you.
"You're just as infuriating as ever," the words slip out before you can stop them. "And so damn stubborn. When we were in school you used to whine until you got what you wanted, or you gave me the silent treatment until I gave in." Is that a smile you see? He hides it by taking another drag. "Hell, you've always been like that, I don't even know why I'm so shocked at your behavior."
You sigh, feeling tired, suddenly. It was a long day at work and tomorrow promises to be just the same. He's still watching you, so you gaze back. Nights are so cold without him lying next to you, the days so empty without the sound of his voice. You close your eyes, suppressing a groan, frustration eating at you.
When you open your eyes, you find that he's still looking at you, brow furrowed. And, god, how you wish you could go to him right now and just hold him or kiss him. Damn it.
You turn toward the door.
"I'm going to bed." Not that there's any point in announcing it. You look at him one more time and stop (being so close and yet so far away hurts so horribly). "I miss you."
You don't wait to see a reaction, you just walk away, toward your bedroom. Exhaustion grabs a hold of you, and you give in.
You're startled awake by the sound of something hitting the floor. There's an impatient sigh, before the bed dips next to you. You think nothing of it, though, just close your eyes and fall asleep again.
Title: Comfort
"I'm sorry to do this last minute. My boss decided on this meeting just now…"
"I don't mind," he says softly. "What time does the nurse leave?"
"Six. Yunho comes over whenever he can, makes sure he isn't alone."
Junsu sighs. You wish you knew exactly what he's thinking, but you're almost sure he won't say anything. He barely has since that day when you almost…
"I don't blame you for being worried," he says, suddenly. You expected him to say goodbye and hang up (your conversations don't last very long anymore). "At the same time, I can't blame him for being angry at you."
Damn it. Why this now? You need to be in the conference room in fifteen minutes and you still need to print some documents. There's no time for this!
"Don't you think you're going a bit overboard?" His words strike a nerve, they do, and that makes you so angry.
"You were there the day he came back, all bloodied and sick and half comatose!" The memory still makes you sick to your stomach. "And he attempted suicide only months ago, in my apartment, where he is living right now. I'm scared to death of coming home and…"
You have to stop, pain taking over. Why can't anyone understand?
"If he does it again and he gets what he wants…" You take a deep breath. "I will die with him, Junsu."
Not a second passes and you hear a resigned sigh.
"I'll be there at six. I'll even bring dinner," Junsu says, tone softening. "And Yoochun?"
You sigh, relieved.
"What?"
"You ever say that again and I will kill you myself." He hangs up without even a goodbye. You aren’t surprised, of course; he’s always hated your self-pity parties. It isn't your fault that everything hurt so much you truly wanted to die.
I didn't do it, that must count for something, you think to yourself, before getting back to work.
The meeting goes by faster than you thought it would. Your boss asks about specific companies and products and seems impressed that you can answer each and every question. When they ask about the assessments and recommendations they asked for when they hired you, you can list everything without glancing at the information on your laptop monitor. You feel absolutely confident, powerful, even. You're good at what you do, this is what you worked your ass off for during college and later at your other sorry job. You leave the office feeling satisfied for the first time in what feels like ages.
Rush hour has long passed and gone, so you get home relatively quickly. It's already nine and Junsu must be tired, not to mention Hyukjae may be annoyed. Junsu is too good for you, always has been. You lucky bastard.
The TV is on, you can hear it as soon as you open the door to your apartment. You can also hear voices and laughter. Curious, you peek into the living room, only to see Junsu and Jaejoong talking and laughing, sitting next to each other as if they were the best of friends. They look like they're really enjoying themselves.
Too bad you must interrupt them.
"Hey, I'm home," you announce somewhat awkwardly. They both turn at the sound of your voice. Junsu smiles at your sight, but not Jaejoong-his lips tighten as he looks away.
"Hey," Junsu greets you. "Everything went well?"
You nod.
"As far as I know." You look away from them. "Everything all right?"
"Yeah," and Junsu smiles so happily you can only stare. Why is he so happy? He turns to Jaejoong. "I should be getting back upstairs. Do you mind if I come bother you again sometime?"
Jaejoong laughs softly.
"Whenever you'd like," he answers.
They say goodbye with a friendly hug (when did they get this chummy?), and then Junsu turns toward you, walking past you to the door. You follow, stopping him before he can open the door.
"Thanks for doing this," you tell him, softly. He exhales, glaring at you.
"I did this for him. I consider him my friend, believe it or not." Shit, what did you do now?
"You're mad at me." No reason not to be blunt. Junsu rolls his eyes. "What did I do? Or not do?"
"I don't want to talk about it," he replies. "Hyukjae is waiting for me."
He reaches for the doorknob, but you stop him, pushing the door closed.
"No, say what you need to say." It may be selfish, but you don't need any more silence right now. "I know things have been awkward between us since-"
"Don't say it!" he stops you, holding his hand up. "It has nothing to do with that. I'm not… mad at you, okay? Just… annoyed. I'll get over it. I left dinner in the microwave, if you want it." His gaze softens and he grasps your hand. "Sleep. You look like shit."
You laugh softly, squeezing his hand.
"Thanks." He grins at the sarcasm, and then he's out the door, walking straight to the elevator. You don't know why, but you lean against the doorframe and watch him, noticing that he keeps glancing at his watch and shifting on his feet.
The elevator doors open. He's gone.
You sigh, closing the door behind you. The TV is still on, you can hear voices and music. He's still sitting right in front of it, too. He seems lost in thought. What is he thinking about?
He has been sleeping in bed again for the last week or so, but he still won't talk to you. It's something, you keep telling yourself, progress. He's still mad at you, but how long until either of you gives in?
Right now, you're tired, you just want to shower and go to bed. You put dinner in the fridge and then go straight to the bathroom. You shower quickly, suddenly feeling exhausted, limbs heavy, eyes drooping. You barely get your pajamas on before you fall back in bed, dreamland claiming you the second you close your eyes.
Title: Blame
"He asked me to move in with him. Again."
He takes another bite and chews, slowly, calmly. At the same time, you notice there's this kind of impatience to him, like he's not entirely comfortable with you right now. So, you observe him, aware of how he occasionally plays with his food (how uncharacteristic of him).
Changmin seemed calm, even happy, when he invited you out for lunch earlier. You met outside the little shop you usually go to, and sat together, just another lunch between friends (terms such as former boyfriends or former life partners are never ever uttered).
You're halfway through your meal-you have been talking about everything and anything: news, politics, your friends-when he just says it. Another sentence thrown on the table like all the other ones before it.
He doesn't look at you, nor does he stop eating (though his bites are much smaller right now), pretending that it doesn't matter, it’s no big issue, why should you even talk about it? And you rather want to ask him exactly that. Why is he telling you this so abruptly? Why is he acting like it isn’t important?
You clear your throat, watching his every move.
"What did you say?"
"That I'll think about it."
His reply makes you groan in frustration. Is Changmin for real?
"Isn't this like the fifth time he has asked?" you ask, gazing at him (though he continues to stare down at his food). "Do you think he'll wait forever for you to make up your mind?"
Still, he doesn't answer, playing with his food.
"You seem really unhappy about it," no reason not to be blunt (it isn’t like he spares you from his own direct observations and opinions). "I thought everything was going great between you two."
He nods. Finally.
"Third time. And, yes, everything is. We've even decided some stuff. Such as…" He shrugs. "His apartment is bigger. Three rooms. Third room would be mine, my office. There's space for most of my stuff." He sighs. You can't understand him. Have you been so immersed in your own drama you have missed something?
"Sounds good," you say cautiously. "He seems ready to go for it. As though… like he won't take no for an answer this time."
Changmin nods.
"I'm going to say yes." You want to smile and congratulate him and invite him and Yunho out just to celebrate that they will finally be together, like Yunho has been hoping for so long now.
"That's great!" You can't help but show happiness (because that's all you want, for Changmin to be happy and loved). "When will you tell him?"
"Tonight, probably." He sighs. Why is he so damn unhappy?
"Uh, Changmin…"
"You know, his apartment… it's a lot like ours, the one we used to have, I mean. There's something about it that… makes me feel a little nostalgic." Changmin looks up at you with a rueful smile. “I've kept a lot of our stuff. I think maybe I should get rid of it? You know, just, stuff we bought together, decorative items, kitchen stuff." He shrugs. "Oh, and I still have your framed posters. You should come pick them up."
You have no idea what to say to that. Changmin still has your posters from your college days? Why would he keep them? You don't ask, though. Instead, you nod.
"Uh, sure. I'll come by this weekend, pick them up." Damn, now things feel so awkward (at least from your side). "I'll get rid of the stuff, if you want. We could… give it to friends?"
He smiles.
"Some of it, sure. Other stuff, I'm definitely throwing out."
"Such as…?" He shakes his head, though, grinning. Is he embarrassed?
"Nothing. This is not what I meant to talk about, anyway."
You don't protest when he changes the topic, though the curiosity is killing you.
"Anyway, I wanted you to be the first to know." He shrugs. "Don't ask why. It felt like the right thing to do."
You smile at his words.
"He's so in love with you." Yunho's behavior toward Changmin makes it so evident. They seem to be so good for each other. They laugh together, they communicate wordlessly (just like you and Changmin used to). "I really wish you the best."
He smiles, but his eyes, why does he look so sad?
"I love him, too," he assures you. "He makes me feel… safe. Loved. Even though, I admit, his relationship with Jaejoong does bother me sometimes." He tries to make it a bit of a joke, but it falls flat (you can't stop wondering what's hidden behind his dark gaze). You play along, of course (not that it's difficult to).
"Yeah, well, join the club." You grin at him. "You have nothing to worry about, though." (And neither do I, you remind yourself).
"I suppose… it's natural. Having a hard time letting go." Changmin shrugs, finally pushing his meal away. "We… are reminders to each other of what once was. He talks about Jaejoong often."
All right. That is not good.
"What? Why?" Why would Yunho do such a thing?
"He just does. It doesn't really bother me, to be honest. We're both getting rid of stuff from our old relationships. We don't want to start off with all that baggage hanging over us." This time, his smile is more genuine. "It's a good thing, even. It helps me understand him better, and Jaejoong, too." He pauses. "Sometimes I talk about you."
This sounds so completely wrong.
"Why?" you ask, faltering somewhat. Again, he shrugs, like it doesn't matter.
"Most times, he asks. He used to resent you so much. Yunho says Jaejoong had periods of times when he would talk only about you, especially about when you were in high school." Changmin smiles. "Now, after all that has happened, he understands. He knows Jaejoong will never love anyone but you." He purses his lips in thought. "And, well, now I know you won't ever love anyone but Jaejoong."
You want to keep asking, but Changmin notices that time is running out and you both need to get back to work.
It's raining when you finally leave the little shop. You curse your luck: of all the days to forget your umbrella… Changmin notices right away.
"I'm closer to my building. You can take mine," he offers with a soft smile. You smile back.
"No, it's all right. I don't want you catching cold." It sounds like something couples would say, but it comes naturally to you, you really can't help it. You wince internally, hoping he won't take offense to that.
"All right," he says as soon as he realizes that you won't take no for an answer. "See you soon, then."
"Very soon," you assure him, stepping into the rain. You walk only a few steps before you hear your name. Changmin is standing only a few feet away, umbrella still closed, rivulets of rain running down his face. He's looking straight at you, expression full of so much misery and pain.
You're about to reply, worried, when he stops you.
"I wish I didn't love you anymore."
His words feel like a punch to the chest. You can only try and breathe again, unable to look away from him.
Title: Flawed
"I'm back."
You still say the words even though you know he doesn't really care. No, he's sitting in the living room, writing in his notebook (you should be getting him a new one soon, there's only a few pages left). The TV is on, though he isn't watching. You're tempted to turn it off (it's wasting energy, anyway), but finally decide it's best not to disturb him.
He looks up at your greeting, dark eyes blank (in thought, maybe? In that faraway land he will forever live in?). Yet, just as quickly as he glances at you, he goes back to his notebook and to ignoring you again.
You're tired, not any more than usual, just… feeling drained. Again, not a foreign feeling, but, for some reason, it matters today. And you hate it.
You shower and put on pajama bottoms and a ratty old t-shirt (you think it might be from when you and Changmin were still together, it might even have been his, judging by the size). Once you're done, you sit on the bed and stare at the floor. What now? Go to sleep? Log onto the computer for a little while, check your e-mails and read the silly jokes Junsu sends you nearly every day? (The thought makes you smile: those stupid jokes are the only bit of happiness in your day sometimes.)
Ah, dinner. What have you eaten all day? You ate a tiny breakfast, forced yourself to eat lunch so you wouldn't pass out in the middle of the afternoon. Maybe you had a snack? Once in the kitchen, you open the fridge. There are some leftovers from last night-Heeyoung made dinner and forced you to sit down and eat.
"You're too thin," she told you. "You need a good wife to take care of you." Somehow, you managed not to laugh. Has she not noticed there's only one bed? One closet, Jaejoong's clothing and yours almost mixed (you're roughly the same size and he keeps stealing your clothes). Ah, well, men are known to share apartments. And she does know Jaejoong's situation.
Unfortunately for you, though, Jaejoong burst out laughing. You wanted to glare at him.
"It's funny, Yoochun getting married," he said (and, by god, you hated him for those few seconds). "No, marriage isn't for him. He would make a better wife, anyway."
Heeyoung looked confused, but soon you managed to change the conversation topic, until she finally went home. He just went back to ignoring you.
Nothing in the fridge seems appealing, so you drink a glass of juice (and then wash the glass, because you hate having dirty dishes in the sink). You go back to the living room. He isn't watching TV, he won't mind if you change the channel, will he? Without a word, you grab the remote and sit back on the sofa. How long since you last did this? Just sat back and enjoyed the few moments of freedom you have? It feels like such a long time. Hmm, probably during those crazy days when Jaejoong came and went. Those few hours you were together, his kisses, his touch, they meant everything to you once upon a time. It was all you could get, so you did, you took it as freely as he gave it. Will he ever realize just how much you had to give up just to be with him?
You sigh, feeling depression set in. No, you shouldn't feel like this. Yunho and Junsu both said it: you may be a bit of an idiot, but you're strong. If anyone can help Jaejoong, it's you.
It's difficult to hang on to that feeling, but you do, somehow. Soon enough, you find a game show. Hah. Nothing better than watching people acting like idiots (you refuse to admit that they make you feel less pathetic).
It's hard to focus, though, when Jaejoong is sitting so close by, long, dark bangs falling over his eyes (you should schedule a trip to a hairdresser soon), hand moving furiously, words appearing on paper, fast and confusing. You haven't tried to read it, but you do wonder if his thoughts are as disorganized as they were that one time you dared to read his notebook. Jaejoong will forever be an enigma (and you think the selfish part of you wants it to always be that way).
Somehow, you focus on the game show. You're actually laughing! The sound alone surprises you, but you forget about it soon, loving that you feel some kind of happiness (whether it's fleeting or not, just a temporary respite from a life you're beginning to hate).
You're so focused on the TV screen you almost miss an impatient sigh. When you turn to look, you see Jaejoong put his notebook on its usual spot (on the coffee table, the pen right on top). Oh, is he going to sleep already? Damn it, why must it hurt so much? He's being childish, but so are you. It’s like some kind of stupid standoff. Even so, you're so afraid of losing him you don't dare go against anything he says or does. What good is that doing him?
The thought of remaining alone puts a damper on your mood immediately. He needs to walk by the TV to get to the hall anyway, so you'll have no choice but to see him go. Seconds pass, though, and he doesn't move, not to the direction you expect. Instead, he sits next to you on the sofa, closer than he has in what feels like forever. His actions make you nervous, though, why is he sitting with you all of a sudden, after weeks and weeks of silence? Just watch the stupid show, you tell yourself, and you almost manage to focus on it again.
However, you don't expect it when he grabs your arm and puts it around his shoulders, at the same time snuggling up to you.
Oh.
"That guy in the blue shirt does some crazy shit," he says softly. "These people are insane."
His words make you laugh. You’re just as insane as that guy (if not more). But you couldn't care less.
Title: Resistance
"You're quiet tonight."
The radio is on, as per usual, while you sit in the back seat of the car; you can hear the waves crashing not far away (how wonderful, you think, that you can have this right now). By now, you have gotten used to Jaejoong's nightly visits that always end up at the same place and in the same way. It took some getting used to, but, in all honesty, you have never been happier.
Most nights, though, he will be an insufferable chatterbox, going on and on and on until you want to gag him just to make him stop, if even just for a minute. Tonight, he's quiet; he drinks and smokes quietly, sings softly along with the radio. You throw a line in here and there, maybe something about school, or a rumor, or some detail about one of the many singers he so adores (you still remember how heartbroken he was over learning that his favorite male singer had a girlfriend).
The pack of cigarettes is emptying fast, and the silence is beginning to drive you a bit crazy. Why is he so quiet? Just looking at him makes you feel so tired, so anxious (you're sure that the fact that your mother called last night and your brother refused to talk to you again has nothing to do with it). You need him to act like himself! Like he always does!
"What the hell is the matter with you?" you snap, voice raised slightly, unable to stop yourself (you're not sure that you even want to stop). "Why won't you talk to me?"
He ignores you, just keeps singing, drinking from his bottle, gazing at nothing in particular. Right that second, you hate him, so much that you would like to hit him, just… do something. Sadly, you find, you have no other weapon but words (you don't think you could ever hit him; it's so ridiculous! He's a guy and guys fight each other!).
"I'm sick of you just coming by, dragging me along, making me do whatever you want! Usually you won't shut up, but now you-"
"Then get the fuck out!" Jaejoong screams at you, effectively shutting you up. He glares at you, eyes wide and red, you can see something there, but you don't know what it is. For the first time ever, you think, you're just a bit scared of him.
Suddenly, he throws the bottle at you. You have no time to cover your face, so it hits you straight on the jaw, hard. What if it had shattered? you wonder, still dazed by the pain. It doesn't end there, though: he grabs at everything he can and throws it at you: paper, bottles (a couple smash against the back windshield), soda bottles, snack wrappers, even other things you can't see while you cover your face to prevent any more damage. Then he stops and you see: he's so angry, chest heaving; he begins rocking back and forth, pulling at his hair, talking to himself (you don't understand a word, though).
Next thing you know, Jaejoong is storming out of the car, leaving the door open. Finally. You breathe, looking around you, at the mess he made in his attempt to hurt you. God, did you do this? Is this your fault? Maybe you should have just kept quiet, let him have his silence. But no, you wanted normalcy, you wanted crazy, volatile Jaejoong (because you need him so badly-not that you will ever tell him so).
If it's not your fault, though, what the hell is wrong with him?
You get out of the car, still rubbing at your jaw. It's so cold outside, nearly freezing. Jaejoong isn't wearing his jacket, though, and you want to go back into the car to get it for him.
"Hyung!" you call out, but he ignores you, walking back and forth, eyes wild, wide open. You want to ask, you want to apologize; you even want to hug him and tell him that you're there, to please tell you what's wrong.
He stops, facing the sea. You watch from not too far away, wondering what his next action will be. But then you hear it.
He lets out a long, loud scream. It seems to go on forever; you think you feel anger and frustration and pain, even as he's forced to stop and take a deep breath before he can do it again and again, until he sounds hoarse, already losing his voice. You're confused, you don't know what's going on. He doesn’t look at you, shoulders shaking slightly. Is he crying? Kim Jaejoong never cries, you learned that early into your friendship.
That doesn't matter right now, though. You rush to get his jacket and bring it out, ready to call out to him and ask to please put it on (he will probably tease you about it later, Worried about me, Yoochunnie? with that annoying little smirk).
You never get the chance to ask: you start in worry and surprise as you watch him take off his t-shirt (does he want to get sick?!); he runs to the water, diving in, losing himself in the freezing waves.
Author: Milena Pandora/milena_1980
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: JaeChun (main), YooSu, YooMin, JaeHo, HoMin, HyukSu
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Warning: Suicidal feelings; suicidal ideation; references to substance abuse; self-harm
Trigger Warning: Self-harm & Suicidal actions
Summary: Soulmates never die
A/N: A series of connected drabbles/ficlets. Not always in chronological order. Title from Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo.
A/N2: Written in second person point-of-view.
Title: Down
"I don't need a fucking babysitter."
Your cubicle at the office is nice, small but private, and you can work comfortably. A few of your new coworkers have welcomed you to the company since you arrived nearly two weeks ago, and you keep meeting people from this and that department. You try to be polite, even friendly, but you can't do any more than that-your mind is far away from all of them, focused, as always, on one Kim Jaejoong.
"It's not a babysitter," you tried to reason with him, the bed the only barrier between you. "It's just someone to make sure you eat and take your medication."
He scoffed, shaking his head in annoyance and disbelief.
"You don't trust me," he said, glaring. "You think that the second you walk out that door I'm going to do something stupid."
It took everything you had not to tell him that no, you don't trust him, and yes, you are scared to death of what he might do if left alone. I'm afraid of losing you! Is that not a good enough reason? you wanted to tell him. Would it get through, though? Would he even care?
"Please, can't we just try it?" Was that too much to ask? "Look, it's just for my peace of mind. Let's try a few weeks. Please?"
He paused, exhaling as he looked down.
"A few weeks? You promise?"
You nodded yes, willing to say anything to get him to agree. He groaned in frustration, turning his back on you and looking out the window.
"Fine, I'll accept the babysitter…"
"Nurse."
"Is there really a difference?"
A glance at your watch lets you know it's only a couple more hours until you can go home. The day doesn't pass by as fast as you wish it did, but you make sure to complete your work on time-your superiors will be watching you for the next couple of months, your trial period, one of them called it. You can't afford to lose this right now.
Most days, you can focus on work easily, letting it pull you in until you see nothing but the documents and numbers and graphics in front of you. Other days…
"Is he still mad at you?" Changmin asked last night. You were by yourself in the bedroom (like you usually are, lately), lying in bed, cell phone to your ear. His call brought more relief than you think it should have. You had to admit, though, that the sound of his voice calmed your frayed nerves, the conversation a respite from the unbearable silence.
"He keeps falling asleep on the sofa," you confirmed his suspicions. "He's still giving me the silent treatment, ignores me every chance he gets. If he's not watching TV, he's at the computer or writing in his notebook."
Changmin sighed.
"He'll give in eventually," he said, clearly trying to make you feel better. You frowned, wishing he were right.
"He isn't all that different from before." That sounded so horribly pathetic, but it couldn't be truer.
You sigh, trying to shake off thoughts from the last few days. He's ignoring you, pretending that you don't exist, acting no differently than before your fight over the nurse. She's nice, Lee Heeyoung, around her mid-thirties, you think. Despite everything he said before, though, Jaejoong likes her, both Yunho and Heeyoung have told you so.
"He gets attached easily, believe it or not," Yunho told you one night he came over. Then he laughed softly, looking away. "Jaejoong is just being a stubborn ass. He'll get over it. And then he won't want her to leave."
That's somewhat comforting. You think.
Someone comes by your cubicle and hands you a bunch of folders and some data CDs.
"They want you to review these," she says before rushing away.
That's what they're giving you: company profiles and corresponding marketing research. You're supposed to review them with a critical eye, write reports on how to improve the company’s marketing research model, focusing on every single aspect, including questionnaires, age group focus, advertising strategies and so on.
You aren’t bored, if you're completely honest. This isn't all that different than the work you used to do for the other company, but it feels like you have a purpose here, like you matter. You know it's only a false sense of security and that, at some point, it will all come crashing down. Maybe you'll be as miserable here as you were in your previous job, maybe more so, and life will be hell again. Or, who knows? Maybe you'll love it here, you'll make friends; maybe your job won't beat you to death like the other one did.
Your cell phone vibrates on top of your desk and you hurry to check the screen. A text message. From Yunho?
Heeyoung had to leave early, family emergency. Jaejoong called me. I'm at your place. Just letting you know.
…Oh.
You sigh, putting the device away and going back to work. No time to dwell on stupid insecurities right now.
Title: Meaning
"I wish I had more money. Just look at these boots! Wouldn't they look awesome on me?"
You're lying on your stomach, on your bed, watching your best friend. He has been even more talkative than usual today. As soon as you got home, he produced a flyer. Shoes. On sale. At some girly store. Not that he's looking at women's shoes, he's admiring some really cool boots you would get for yourself if you could. Hmm, it's not what he's doing or saying that bothers you, it's the manner. Jaejoong isn't effeminate, not at all, he's like a kid, rather, and acts cute way too often.
"Yoochunnie," he whines somewhat childishly, pouting-you find you can't look away, gaze fixed on his lips, at how rosy they look and full and even kissable…
You stop. You blink. What. The. Hell? You did not just think that!
He nudges your arm, but you turn away from him, feeling your face heat. Jaejoong is pretty for a guy, weirdly so. You can't help but admire him! That's all it is!
"Don't you think they would look awesome on me?" he asks, sounding like a child seeking approval. You turn to him again, unable and unwilling to hide your annoyance.
"Why do you care what I think? You're the one who's all interested in fashion." You glare at him, but then he's gazing into your eyes, a slow grin spreading on his lips. "What?"
The insufferable bastard doesn't answer, though, smirking as he goes back to the flyer.
"I really want these," he says, sighing.
"Then save for them. Get a job."
Jaejoong frowns, throwing the flyer aside. He sits back against the headboard, arms crossed over his chest.
"My stupid parents won't let me. Last time I got a stupid little job after school…" He trails off, brow furrowed.
"But you're old enough to have a job." Yourself, you've worked during vacations while your father was at work. It isn't hard at all, much less with your father helping you. Jaejoong, though, how old is he, anyway?
"They said that if I get a job, they'll stop paying for school." He moves until he's lying next to you, so close. You're forced to lie on your side to give him more space. "If nothing else, I want to finish high school."
He sighs, visibly upset and frustrated. Why are his parents so controlling, anyway? You would think they would want to be rid of the son they seem to hate so much.
"Can't I come live with you?" he asks, suddenly. You're rendered speechless, and he stares, smirking. "Well?"
"Only if you want my father to kill me!" Your father dislikes him already, no use adding more to the list of reasons. He laughs (you can't look away, watching his every motion, his closed eyes, eyelashes tickling at his pale skin, hand over his mouth). He glances at you again, grinning still, eyes bright with something.
"No, no, can't have my boyfriend dying because of me."
You know you make a face-filled with annoyance and embarrassment, maybe even anger-because then he's laughing loudly, getting off the bed as soon as he sees you grab a pillow. You go after him and hit him three times before returning to the bed and sitting, glaring at him.
"Stop saying stuff like that!" God, if he says you're his boyfriend one more time… "Oh, my God, what if my father hears rumors because of you and your stupid teasing?" You would not be happy, not at all.
Jaejoong leans back against the wall, right next to the window, arms crossed over his chest, eyes on you. He's still smirking and, damn it, how you would love to find a way to make him stop.
"What?" you finally ask, swallowing hard. His gaze makes you feel weird and vulnerable all of a sudden, and you hate it.
"Nothing," he answers, finally, moving to turn on the radio and picking up the flyer. He sits next to you, showing you the pictures. You roll your eyes but listen, like you always do, both to his drivel about boots and then his abrupt pauses to sing along the songs on the radio.
Title: Slow
"He'll get over it."
The TV is on and you're sitting on the sofa, trying to relax. Trying being the key word. You could very easily be immersed in the comedy show that's on (one of Jaejoong's favorite shows), thoughts of work and the world far, far away. Instead, you can't take your eyes off Jaejoong.
He's sitting outside on the balcony, smoking and staring at nothing. You wish you knew what he's thinking right now-hell, now and all of the time. He doesn't talk to you anymore; he barely acknowledges your existence. His actions are petty and childish, but then… Why are you surprised? Did you think that because he's medicated and acting differently than the man he was not so long ago his personality would somehow fade? He has always been childish, always spiteful, prone to ridiculous little tantrums. Jaejoong would do anything to get exactly what he wanted. Six months ago, would you have thought this attitude strange?
You roll your eyes at yourself. Why are you such an idiot? And why do you keep treating him as if he was someone other than who he is? He will forever be the beautiful and stubborn and terrible Jaejoong you met in high school.
The door to the balcony is open, so you step outside, leaning against the wall and facing him. He ignores you (like he always does), but you don't look away.
"Is this how it will be from now on?" you ask softly, but loudly enough for him to hear. "We'll share the same space and pretend the other doesn't exist?"
He brings the cigarette to his lips and inhales, then exhales, wisps of smoke flying away with the wind. Well, it's not like you expect him to answer, anyway.
"I know I'm being overprotective." Your statement catches his attention, you notice when he starts slightly. "Can you blame me, though?" You swallow, trying to find the appropriate words. "When I remember all the years I wondered where you were, when I feared that you might be dead… And then you came back, and still I was afraid, because I knew you would be gone when I least expected it." Your heart still aches at the memories. How many nights did you go to sleep just thinking about him? You shake your head, frustrated beyond belief. "Fuck, Hyung, I love you. Does that even mean anything to you?"
For the first time in days, he looks at you. You can't read his gaze (at least there's no anger this time), but it's something, any reaction is good, even if he glares or frowns or anything. He doesn't speak, though, just watches you.
"You're just as infuriating as ever," the words slip out before you can stop them. "And so damn stubborn. When we were in school you used to whine until you got what you wanted, or you gave me the silent treatment until I gave in." Is that a smile you see? He hides it by taking another drag. "Hell, you've always been like that, I don't even know why I'm so shocked at your behavior."
You sigh, feeling tired, suddenly. It was a long day at work and tomorrow promises to be just the same. He's still watching you, so you gaze back. Nights are so cold without him lying next to you, the days so empty without the sound of his voice. You close your eyes, suppressing a groan, frustration eating at you.
When you open your eyes, you find that he's still looking at you, brow furrowed. And, god, how you wish you could go to him right now and just hold him or kiss him. Damn it.
You turn toward the door.
"I'm going to bed." Not that there's any point in announcing it. You look at him one more time and stop (being so close and yet so far away hurts so horribly). "I miss you."
You don't wait to see a reaction, you just walk away, toward your bedroom. Exhaustion grabs a hold of you, and you give in.
You're startled awake by the sound of something hitting the floor. There's an impatient sigh, before the bed dips next to you. You think nothing of it, though, just close your eyes and fall asleep again.
Title: Comfort
"I'm sorry to do this last minute. My boss decided on this meeting just now…"
"I don't mind," he says softly. "What time does the nurse leave?"
"Six. Yunho comes over whenever he can, makes sure he isn't alone."
Junsu sighs. You wish you knew exactly what he's thinking, but you're almost sure he won't say anything. He barely has since that day when you almost…
"I don't blame you for being worried," he says, suddenly. You expected him to say goodbye and hang up (your conversations don't last very long anymore). "At the same time, I can't blame him for being angry at you."
Damn it. Why this now? You need to be in the conference room in fifteen minutes and you still need to print some documents. There's no time for this!
"Don't you think you're going a bit overboard?" His words strike a nerve, they do, and that makes you so angry.
"You were there the day he came back, all bloodied and sick and half comatose!" The memory still makes you sick to your stomach. "And he attempted suicide only months ago, in my apartment, where he is living right now. I'm scared to death of coming home and…"
You have to stop, pain taking over. Why can't anyone understand?
"If he does it again and he gets what he wants…" You take a deep breath. "I will die with him, Junsu."
Not a second passes and you hear a resigned sigh.
"I'll be there at six. I'll even bring dinner," Junsu says, tone softening. "And Yoochun?"
You sigh, relieved.
"What?"
"You ever say that again and I will kill you myself." He hangs up without even a goodbye. You aren’t surprised, of course; he’s always hated your self-pity parties. It isn't your fault that everything hurt so much you truly wanted to die.
I didn't do it, that must count for something, you think to yourself, before getting back to work.
The meeting goes by faster than you thought it would. Your boss asks about specific companies and products and seems impressed that you can answer each and every question. When they ask about the assessments and recommendations they asked for when they hired you, you can list everything without glancing at the information on your laptop monitor. You feel absolutely confident, powerful, even. You're good at what you do, this is what you worked your ass off for during college and later at your other sorry job. You leave the office feeling satisfied for the first time in what feels like ages.
Rush hour has long passed and gone, so you get home relatively quickly. It's already nine and Junsu must be tired, not to mention Hyukjae may be annoyed. Junsu is too good for you, always has been. You lucky bastard.
The TV is on, you can hear it as soon as you open the door to your apartment. You can also hear voices and laughter. Curious, you peek into the living room, only to see Junsu and Jaejoong talking and laughing, sitting next to each other as if they were the best of friends. They look like they're really enjoying themselves.
Too bad you must interrupt them.
"Hey, I'm home," you announce somewhat awkwardly. They both turn at the sound of your voice. Junsu smiles at your sight, but not Jaejoong-his lips tighten as he looks away.
"Hey," Junsu greets you. "Everything went well?"
You nod.
"As far as I know." You look away from them. "Everything all right?"
"Yeah," and Junsu smiles so happily you can only stare. Why is he so happy? He turns to Jaejoong. "I should be getting back upstairs. Do you mind if I come bother you again sometime?"
Jaejoong laughs softly.
"Whenever you'd like," he answers.
They say goodbye with a friendly hug (when did they get this chummy?), and then Junsu turns toward you, walking past you to the door. You follow, stopping him before he can open the door.
"Thanks for doing this," you tell him, softly. He exhales, glaring at you.
"I did this for him. I consider him my friend, believe it or not." Shit, what did you do now?
"You're mad at me." No reason not to be blunt. Junsu rolls his eyes. "What did I do? Or not do?"
"I don't want to talk about it," he replies. "Hyukjae is waiting for me."
He reaches for the doorknob, but you stop him, pushing the door closed.
"No, say what you need to say." It may be selfish, but you don't need any more silence right now. "I know things have been awkward between us since-"
"Don't say it!" he stops you, holding his hand up. "It has nothing to do with that. I'm not… mad at you, okay? Just… annoyed. I'll get over it. I left dinner in the microwave, if you want it." His gaze softens and he grasps your hand. "Sleep. You look like shit."
You laugh softly, squeezing his hand.
"Thanks." He grins at the sarcasm, and then he's out the door, walking straight to the elevator. You don't know why, but you lean against the doorframe and watch him, noticing that he keeps glancing at his watch and shifting on his feet.
The elevator doors open. He's gone.
You sigh, closing the door behind you. The TV is still on, you can hear voices and music. He's still sitting right in front of it, too. He seems lost in thought. What is he thinking about?
He has been sleeping in bed again for the last week or so, but he still won't talk to you. It's something, you keep telling yourself, progress. He's still mad at you, but how long until either of you gives in?
Right now, you're tired, you just want to shower and go to bed. You put dinner in the fridge and then go straight to the bathroom. You shower quickly, suddenly feeling exhausted, limbs heavy, eyes drooping. You barely get your pajamas on before you fall back in bed, dreamland claiming you the second you close your eyes.
Title: Blame
"He asked me to move in with him. Again."
He takes another bite and chews, slowly, calmly. At the same time, you notice there's this kind of impatience to him, like he's not entirely comfortable with you right now. So, you observe him, aware of how he occasionally plays with his food (how uncharacteristic of him).
Changmin seemed calm, even happy, when he invited you out for lunch earlier. You met outside the little shop you usually go to, and sat together, just another lunch between friends (terms such as former boyfriends or former life partners are never ever uttered).
You're halfway through your meal-you have been talking about everything and anything: news, politics, your friends-when he just says it. Another sentence thrown on the table like all the other ones before it.
He doesn't look at you, nor does he stop eating (though his bites are much smaller right now), pretending that it doesn't matter, it’s no big issue, why should you even talk about it? And you rather want to ask him exactly that. Why is he telling you this so abruptly? Why is he acting like it isn’t important?
You clear your throat, watching his every move.
"What did you say?"
"That I'll think about it."
His reply makes you groan in frustration. Is Changmin for real?
"Isn't this like the fifth time he has asked?" you ask, gazing at him (though he continues to stare down at his food). "Do you think he'll wait forever for you to make up your mind?"
Still, he doesn't answer, playing with his food.
"You seem really unhappy about it," no reason not to be blunt (it isn’t like he spares you from his own direct observations and opinions). "I thought everything was going great between you two."
He nods. Finally.
"Third time. And, yes, everything is. We've even decided some stuff. Such as…" He shrugs. "His apartment is bigger. Three rooms. Third room would be mine, my office. There's space for most of my stuff." He sighs. You can't understand him. Have you been so immersed in your own drama you have missed something?
"Sounds good," you say cautiously. "He seems ready to go for it. As though… like he won't take no for an answer this time."
Changmin nods.
"I'm going to say yes." You want to smile and congratulate him and invite him and Yunho out just to celebrate that they will finally be together, like Yunho has been hoping for so long now.
"That's great!" You can't help but show happiness (because that's all you want, for Changmin to be happy and loved). "When will you tell him?"
"Tonight, probably." He sighs. Why is he so damn unhappy?
"Uh, Changmin…"
"You know, his apartment… it's a lot like ours, the one we used to have, I mean. There's something about it that… makes me feel a little nostalgic." Changmin looks up at you with a rueful smile. “I've kept a lot of our stuff. I think maybe I should get rid of it? You know, just, stuff we bought together, decorative items, kitchen stuff." He shrugs. "Oh, and I still have your framed posters. You should come pick them up."
You have no idea what to say to that. Changmin still has your posters from your college days? Why would he keep them? You don't ask, though. Instead, you nod.
"Uh, sure. I'll come by this weekend, pick them up." Damn, now things feel so awkward (at least from your side). "I'll get rid of the stuff, if you want. We could… give it to friends?"
He smiles.
"Some of it, sure. Other stuff, I'm definitely throwing out."
"Such as…?" He shakes his head, though, grinning. Is he embarrassed?
"Nothing. This is not what I meant to talk about, anyway."
You don't protest when he changes the topic, though the curiosity is killing you.
"Anyway, I wanted you to be the first to know." He shrugs. "Don't ask why. It felt like the right thing to do."
You smile at his words.
"He's so in love with you." Yunho's behavior toward Changmin makes it so evident. They seem to be so good for each other. They laugh together, they communicate wordlessly (just like you and Changmin used to). "I really wish you the best."
He smiles, but his eyes, why does he look so sad?
"I love him, too," he assures you. "He makes me feel… safe. Loved. Even though, I admit, his relationship with Jaejoong does bother me sometimes." He tries to make it a bit of a joke, but it falls flat (you can't stop wondering what's hidden behind his dark gaze). You play along, of course (not that it's difficult to).
"Yeah, well, join the club." You grin at him. "You have nothing to worry about, though." (And neither do I, you remind yourself).
"I suppose… it's natural. Having a hard time letting go." Changmin shrugs, finally pushing his meal away. "We… are reminders to each other of what once was. He talks about Jaejoong often."
All right. That is not good.
"What? Why?" Why would Yunho do such a thing?
"He just does. It doesn't really bother me, to be honest. We're both getting rid of stuff from our old relationships. We don't want to start off with all that baggage hanging over us." This time, his smile is more genuine. "It's a good thing, even. It helps me understand him better, and Jaejoong, too." He pauses. "Sometimes I talk about you."
This sounds so completely wrong.
"Why?" you ask, faltering somewhat. Again, he shrugs, like it doesn't matter.
"Most times, he asks. He used to resent you so much. Yunho says Jaejoong had periods of times when he would talk only about you, especially about when you were in high school." Changmin smiles. "Now, after all that has happened, he understands. He knows Jaejoong will never love anyone but you." He purses his lips in thought. "And, well, now I know you won't ever love anyone but Jaejoong."
You want to keep asking, but Changmin notices that time is running out and you both need to get back to work.
It's raining when you finally leave the little shop. You curse your luck: of all the days to forget your umbrella… Changmin notices right away.
"I'm closer to my building. You can take mine," he offers with a soft smile. You smile back.
"No, it's all right. I don't want you catching cold." It sounds like something couples would say, but it comes naturally to you, you really can't help it. You wince internally, hoping he won't take offense to that.
"All right," he says as soon as he realizes that you won't take no for an answer. "See you soon, then."
"Very soon," you assure him, stepping into the rain. You walk only a few steps before you hear your name. Changmin is standing only a few feet away, umbrella still closed, rivulets of rain running down his face. He's looking straight at you, expression full of so much misery and pain.
You're about to reply, worried, when he stops you.
"I wish I didn't love you anymore."
His words feel like a punch to the chest. You can only try and breathe again, unable to look away from him.
Title: Flawed
"I'm back."
You still say the words even though you know he doesn't really care. No, he's sitting in the living room, writing in his notebook (you should be getting him a new one soon, there's only a few pages left). The TV is on, though he isn't watching. You're tempted to turn it off (it's wasting energy, anyway), but finally decide it's best not to disturb him.
He looks up at your greeting, dark eyes blank (in thought, maybe? In that faraway land he will forever live in?). Yet, just as quickly as he glances at you, he goes back to his notebook and to ignoring you again.
You're tired, not any more than usual, just… feeling drained. Again, not a foreign feeling, but, for some reason, it matters today. And you hate it.
You shower and put on pajama bottoms and a ratty old t-shirt (you think it might be from when you and Changmin were still together, it might even have been his, judging by the size). Once you're done, you sit on the bed and stare at the floor. What now? Go to sleep? Log onto the computer for a little while, check your e-mails and read the silly jokes Junsu sends you nearly every day? (The thought makes you smile: those stupid jokes are the only bit of happiness in your day sometimes.)
Ah, dinner. What have you eaten all day? You ate a tiny breakfast, forced yourself to eat lunch so you wouldn't pass out in the middle of the afternoon. Maybe you had a snack? Once in the kitchen, you open the fridge. There are some leftovers from last night-Heeyoung made dinner and forced you to sit down and eat.
"You're too thin," she told you. "You need a good wife to take care of you." Somehow, you managed not to laugh. Has she not noticed there's only one bed? One closet, Jaejoong's clothing and yours almost mixed (you're roughly the same size and he keeps stealing your clothes). Ah, well, men are known to share apartments. And she does know Jaejoong's situation.
Unfortunately for you, though, Jaejoong burst out laughing. You wanted to glare at him.
"It's funny, Yoochun getting married," he said (and, by god, you hated him for those few seconds). "No, marriage isn't for him. He would make a better wife, anyway."
Heeyoung looked confused, but soon you managed to change the conversation topic, until she finally went home. He just went back to ignoring you.
Nothing in the fridge seems appealing, so you drink a glass of juice (and then wash the glass, because you hate having dirty dishes in the sink). You go back to the living room. He isn't watching TV, he won't mind if you change the channel, will he? Without a word, you grab the remote and sit back on the sofa. How long since you last did this? Just sat back and enjoyed the few moments of freedom you have? It feels like such a long time. Hmm, probably during those crazy days when Jaejoong came and went. Those few hours you were together, his kisses, his touch, they meant everything to you once upon a time. It was all you could get, so you did, you took it as freely as he gave it. Will he ever realize just how much you had to give up just to be with him?
You sigh, feeling depression set in. No, you shouldn't feel like this. Yunho and Junsu both said it: you may be a bit of an idiot, but you're strong. If anyone can help Jaejoong, it's you.
It's difficult to hang on to that feeling, but you do, somehow. Soon enough, you find a game show. Hah. Nothing better than watching people acting like idiots (you refuse to admit that they make you feel less pathetic).
It's hard to focus, though, when Jaejoong is sitting so close by, long, dark bangs falling over his eyes (you should schedule a trip to a hairdresser soon), hand moving furiously, words appearing on paper, fast and confusing. You haven't tried to read it, but you do wonder if his thoughts are as disorganized as they were that one time you dared to read his notebook. Jaejoong will forever be an enigma (and you think the selfish part of you wants it to always be that way).
Somehow, you focus on the game show. You're actually laughing! The sound alone surprises you, but you forget about it soon, loving that you feel some kind of happiness (whether it's fleeting or not, just a temporary respite from a life you're beginning to hate).
You're so focused on the TV screen you almost miss an impatient sigh. When you turn to look, you see Jaejoong put his notebook on its usual spot (on the coffee table, the pen right on top). Oh, is he going to sleep already? Damn it, why must it hurt so much? He's being childish, but so are you. It’s like some kind of stupid standoff. Even so, you're so afraid of losing him you don't dare go against anything he says or does. What good is that doing him?
The thought of remaining alone puts a damper on your mood immediately. He needs to walk by the TV to get to the hall anyway, so you'll have no choice but to see him go. Seconds pass, though, and he doesn't move, not to the direction you expect. Instead, he sits next to you on the sofa, closer than he has in what feels like forever. His actions make you nervous, though, why is he sitting with you all of a sudden, after weeks and weeks of silence? Just watch the stupid show, you tell yourself, and you almost manage to focus on it again.
However, you don't expect it when he grabs your arm and puts it around his shoulders, at the same time snuggling up to you.
Oh.
"That guy in the blue shirt does some crazy shit," he says softly. "These people are insane."
His words make you laugh. You’re just as insane as that guy (if not more). But you couldn't care less.
Title: Resistance
"You're quiet tonight."
The radio is on, as per usual, while you sit in the back seat of the car; you can hear the waves crashing not far away (how wonderful, you think, that you can have this right now). By now, you have gotten used to Jaejoong's nightly visits that always end up at the same place and in the same way. It took some getting used to, but, in all honesty, you have never been happier.
Most nights, though, he will be an insufferable chatterbox, going on and on and on until you want to gag him just to make him stop, if even just for a minute. Tonight, he's quiet; he drinks and smokes quietly, sings softly along with the radio. You throw a line in here and there, maybe something about school, or a rumor, or some detail about one of the many singers he so adores (you still remember how heartbroken he was over learning that his favorite male singer had a girlfriend).
The pack of cigarettes is emptying fast, and the silence is beginning to drive you a bit crazy. Why is he so quiet? Just looking at him makes you feel so tired, so anxious (you're sure that the fact that your mother called last night and your brother refused to talk to you again has nothing to do with it). You need him to act like himself! Like he always does!
"What the hell is the matter with you?" you snap, voice raised slightly, unable to stop yourself (you're not sure that you even want to stop). "Why won't you talk to me?"
He ignores you, just keeps singing, drinking from his bottle, gazing at nothing in particular. Right that second, you hate him, so much that you would like to hit him, just… do something. Sadly, you find, you have no other weapon but words (you don't think you could ever hit him; it's so ridiculous! He's a guy and guys fight each other!).
"I'm sick of you just coming by, dragging me along, making me do whatever you want! Usually you won't shut up, but now you-"
"Then get the fuck out!" Jaejoong screams at you, effectively shutting you up. He glares at you, eyes wide and red, you can see something there, but you don't know what it is. For the first time ever, you think, you're just a bit scared of him.
Suddenly, he throws the bottle at you. You have no time to cover your face, so it hits you straight on the jaw, hard. What if it had shattered? you wonder, still dazed by the pain. It doesn't end there, though: he grabs at everything he can and throws it at you: paper, bottles (a couple smash against the back windshield), soda bottles, snack wrappers, even other things you can't see while you cover your face to prevent any more damage. Then he stops and you see: he's so angry, chest heaving; he begins rocking back and forth, pulling at his hair, talking to himself (you don't understand a word, though).
Next thing you know, Jaejoong is storming out of the car, leaving the door open. Finally. You breathe, looking around you, at the mess he made in his attempt to hurt you. God, did you do this? Is this your fault? Maybe you should have just kept quiet, let him have his silence. But no, you wanted normalcy, you wanted crazy, volatile Jaejoong (because you need him so badly-not that you will ever tell him so).
If it's not your fault, though, what the hell is wrong with him?
You get out of the car, still rubbing at your jaw. It's so cold outside, nearly freezing. Jaejoong isn't wearing his jacket, though, and you want to go back into the car to get it for him.
"Hyung!" you call out, but he ignores you, walking back and forth, eyes wild, wide open. You want to ask, you want to apologize; you even want to hug him and tell him that you're there, to please tell you what's wrong.
He stops, facing the sea. You watch from not too far away, wondering what his next action will be. But then you hear it.
He lets out a long, loud scream. It seems to go on forever; you think you feel anger and frustration and pain, even as he's forced to stop and take a deep breath before he can do it again and again, until he sounds hoarse, already losing his voice. You're confused, you don't know what's going on. He doesn’t look at you, shoulders shaking slightly. Is he crying? Kim Jaejoong never cries, you learned that early into your friendship.
That doesn't matter right now, though. You rush to get his jacket and bring it out, ready to call out to him and ask to please put it on (he will probably tease you about it later, Worried about me, Yoochunnie? with that annoying little smirk).
You never get the chance to ask: you start in worry and surprise as you watch him take off his t-shirt (does he want to get sick?!); he runs to the water, diving in, losing himself in the freezing waves.