Fic: Sleeping With Ghosts 18/?
Title: Sleeping With Ghosts 18/?
Author: Milena Pandora/milena_1980
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: JaeChun (main), YooSu, YooMin, JaeHo, HoMin, HyukSu
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Warning: Suicidal feelings; suicidal ideation; references to substance abuse; self-harm
Trigger Warning: Self-harm & Suicidal actions
Summary: Soulmates never die
A/N: A series of connected drabbles/ficlets. Not always in chronological order. Title from Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo.
A/N2: Written in second person point-of-view.
Title: Arrow
"Take me away from here."
His lips are chapped and dry, but still, you kiss him softly, brush long bangs off his forehead. His hair is longer now; it reminds you of when you were in school. Teachers always threatened to expel him if he didn't conform to the dress code, but he ignored them. Jaejoong never cared. Just like he never has about anything else.
Until now?
Today, he was awake when you came in to see him. He didn't pretend you weren't there; instead, he smiled at you (or tried to, at least). Throughout the day, he has barely spoken, mainly answering your questions or letting you know he's listening to whatever you're talking about. It seems like all you do is ramble, but you're too happy to care right now. Two days after he first spoke to you, he's awake, alive, out of the hole he had been trapped in.
Just as visiting hours are ending, he speaks softly, meeting your gaze.
"Take me away from here."
Your heart skips a beat. He wants to leave the hospital? With you? It’s what you have been hoping for and yet…
You swallow thickly.
"Your sister wants me out of your life," you tell him honestly, looking into his eyes. "I want to take you home with me, but I can't."
To your surprise, he frowns angrily and moves to push on a button, calling for a nurse. She comes in quickly and glances at both of you.
"I want to see my doctor," he says, voice just above a whisper. She looks shocked-has he not spoken to anyone else?-but nods and leaves the room. Then he turns back to you. "Stay. Listen."
You nod, wondering what he's up to.
The minute the doctor comes into the room, you find out.
"I want out of here," he demands, his voice slightly stronger, louder. "You can't keep me in here, can you?"
The doctor exhales.
"Not until we determine you aren't a danger to yourself anymore."
Jaejoong's dark eyes glint with anger.
"I'm not a danger to myself anymore," he says. "I want to leave."
You sigh, wishing you could believe him. But then something occurs to you.
"What if someone agrees to take care of him? Makes sure he takes his medication, that he eats, that he isn't alone?" you ask. "I will find him a doctor in the city, too."
The doctor stares at you and you just know he's about to ask who you are, but Jaejoong beats you to it.
"He's my real family," he says. Your breath hitches as he holds your hand tightly and looks into your eyes. "I want to go with you."
Title: Home
"If something happens to him, I will hold you responsible," she said as you helped him get dressed. Some of your clothes fit him, so you brought a change for him the day he was discharged. Unsurprisingly, his sister was there, trying to convince her brother not to leave the hospital.
"Leave Yoochun alone," he said. You only ignored her, instead wondering if he was strong enough to walk out. "Go back to your nice little life and keep pretending I don't exist, just like you always have."
He didn't care when her eyes filled with tears, nor when she insisted she just wanted him to be healthy. No, he slid his arm around your neck and held on, pushing you to hurry away from the room and out of the hospital.
Once in your car, he smiled at you. You're sure your relief showed in your face, how could it not? How many days had you been there, hoping? And finally, he was with you.
"Are you hungry?" you ask now, hours later, sitting next to him. He's lying on the bed watching TV, has been since you brought him to the hotel. You didn't expect him to just change once he was out of the hospital; after all, you can see just how tired he feels, the bags under his eyes attest to that. No, he just takes his medication when you remind him, and now you're hoping he'll eat at your urging. "I'll get you anything you want."
He glances at you, eyes bright. He reaches out to you and you take his hand, letting him pull you to him.
"Later," he says softly. "Just stay with me for now."
You sigh, lying behind him and holding him close. You still can't believe he's here with you; you can touch him, kiss him, hear him-even if his voice is still hoarse-just be with him. Sometimes you remember him in the tub, red water surrounding him. God, you don’t think you could go through that again, your heart beats painfully at the thought of losing him. You hold him tighter, begging for the pain in your chest to subside.
"What is it?" he asks, sounding confused (concerned?). Can he even understand what he means to you? What it means to have him back? It doesn't really matter if he does, though.
"I love you," you whisper against his hair. "I've missed you so much."
He puts his hand over yours, holding it close to his chest.
Title: Isolation
"Be right back," you say, opening the door. He only makes a small sound in response. You sigh, walking out of the room.
It doesn't really matter, you think as you go down the stairs and to the lobby. He's with you, he's alive, he's speaking and eating (even if he won't eat as much as he should). You have more than you did even a week ago. Then why do you feel so empty?
You sit in the front seat of your car and turn on the air conditioning. The room upstairs was feeling stifling already, you aren't sure why. You should go back to the city soon. So many things you need to do.
So, what to do now? You consider going for a drive around town, but you don't want to be away from Jaejoong for too long.
Your thoughts are interrupted when your phone rings. Your heart beats fast and you clutch at your chest as you pick it up and look at the caller I.D.
"Yunho," you say, sounding relieved. The two of you haven't spoken since you called to tell him Jaejoong was out of the hospital. "How are you?"
"I'm fine." He sounds like it, too, happy and calm. For a moment, you envy him that. "How are you? And Jaejoong?"
You sigh, wishing you could just lie. However, if you can't speak honestly with him…
"Could be better," you admit. "Jaejoong, he… He's all right, just very tired. He spends the entire day watching TV. He won't eat much." You know you sound frustrated, but you can't hide it. "I want to bring him home."
"Then bring him home," Yunho says, sounding worried. "What are you waiting for?"
You close your eyes. Two days have passed since he left the hospital and you just can't bring yourself to pick up your things and bring him back to the city, to your home, where he can get the care he needs until he's well enough. Something keeps you there, though-fear, maybe?
"I don't know," you admit. You run your hand through your hair, hating that you feel so out of sorts right now, when you most need to be strong. How can you take care of Jaejoong while wallowing in self-doubt and this almost irrational fear?
"Yoochun…" Yunho sighs. If only you could be as strong as he is, so confident; he always acts like he knows exactly what he's doing and he looks like he type of man who would go at anything life threw at him, no matter how challenging. The more you know him, the more you understand why Changmin is attracted to him. Yunho is anything but a coward (he's nothing like you). "I told you it wouldn't be easy," he says. "You yourself knew this. Right now, all you can do is be there for him. He won't just snap out of it. He's probably fighting to regain some sense of normalcy right now."
Yes, but could he? With you?
"I know," you say (though you don't, not really). "I just… I feel helpless. I need to do something!"
"Just be there for him," he repeats. "Trust me."
You sigh and change the topic.
"How is Changmin?" You haven't spoken to him in a couple of days. You feel like such an ingrate, after all he has done for you.
"He's fine. Would you like to talk to him? He's here."
"Tell him I'll call him later? I don't want to leave Jaejoong alone for too long."
"All right."
You hang up soon enough. You close your eyes, feeling overwhelmed suddenly.
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself," you tell yourself. "Yunho warned you, you knew what you were getting into."
It's all you can do: try to convince yourself that you can deal with anything that happens, that you can be strong like Jaejoong needs you to be. It seems to work somewhat; the pressure in your chest eases a bit.
Nevertheless, over an hour passes before you finally go back.
Title: Complicated
"Come on!" he whispers, grabbing your hand and effectively pulling you away from your next class. Hopefully, the teacher won't notice you're gone-you refuse to fight him today. You're feeling tired and miserable, and going against one Kim Jaejoong will only pull you further down.
You spent the weekend at your mother's for the first time in over a year. It seemed like the best opportunity to become closer to your brother and be with your mother (because you miss them so much it hurts). Much to your disappointment, Yoohwan refused to stay in the house while you were there, choosing to spend the weekend with a friend. Your mother tried to stay around, but she was gone as soon as work called for an extra shift (she needs the money, it's that simple). The weekend passed in a blur of silence and loneliness, lying in bed all day, unable to reach your boyfriend (not that he would have cheered you up, as silent as he has been lately). You didn't feel like eating or watching TV. No, it was easier to close your eyes and pretend you were anywhere but there.
Once back at school, you were greeted by an overexcited Jaejoong.
"I missed you!" he said, putting his arm around your shoulders and holding you close. "How was the weekend at mom's?"
You tried to tell him the truth, but you ended up giving him a smile and saying it had been perfect. He didn't believe you, you could tell right away, but you weren't about to confirm his suspicions. Instead, you asked after his weekend.
"It was all right," he said. There was something about the way he said it, how he looked away as he spoke. Had the past couple of days been as miserable for him as they had been for you?
"I don't want to get in trouble," you say now.
"You won't," he assures you (like he always does).
You don't know where he's leading you, but you follow despite your half-hearted protests. Soon enough he opens the door to an empty classroom and locks the door. He grins at you, dropping his book bag on the floor.
"Finally."
He pushes you against a wall and kisses you hard, almost desperately. You can't help but be surprised: he has been so distant lately, pushing you away until you have felt cold and abandoned. It feels like it’s been days and days since he last touched you like this. Why? you wonder. It's like he turns a switch on and off. More than once you have wondered if maybe he has grown bored of you, maybe he doesn't love you anymore, but then he comes at you like this and he pours so much emotion into every kiss and touch, you end up forgetting all about it.
You hold on to him and kiss him with as much fervor. You moan into his mouth when his hands travel down your body, down to your waist and your ass, pulling you flush against him. He's already hard, you can feel him through your clothes; you reach out to touch him, but he stops you.
"No," he says, pulling away from you, suddenly. You gaze at him, chest heaving. The distance hurts and you wonder what he's doing, but then he kneels before you, hands deftly undoing the front of your trousers. The sight nearly undoes you; you gasp, feeling breathless as he pulls your underwear down just enough to bare your hard member. And then his mouth is on you, hot and wet and wonderful. You force your eyes open, watching as your cock disappears into his mouth. How long has it been?
Climax comes abruptly; you bite your lip as each wave of pleasure hits you mercilessly until you're left gasping for air. You feel as he tucks you back in, zips you up, and then his lips are back on yours, now softer, gentler.
He pulls away and looks into your eyes.
"We better get to class," he says. You look at him, confused.
"But, what about-"
"Let's go."
He shoulders his bookbag again and opens the door, looking out for any teachers in the corridors. You follow, knowing that asking won't bring any answers.
Title: Keeps
"I told you it wouldn't be easy."
Yunho's words run around in your mind that night as you lie next to Jaejoong. He fell asleep around nine at night. Now it's two in the morning, but you're still wide awake, watching him (as you have done the past couple of days). Looking at him now, you're reminded of those months before he tried to take his own life. He would fall asleep next to you so easily, put his arm around you and he would sigh happily before giving in to exhaustion. You felt so conflicted then. Jaejoong came in and out of your life as he pleased, but you never stopped thinking about him nor did you stop hoping he would come to you every night.
Months later, there are still so many questions left unanswered: about the past, about his health. You still can't believe that he had attempted suicide just before he abandoned you the first time; the thought still hurts, even if he's next to you right now, alive. Is his illness the only thing to blame, though? You think about his sister, how she was willing to keep him locked up in the hospital, probably for the rest of his life. You doubt she ever intended to take care of him like he needed, just like her family obviously never did. Did they ever make an effort to understand him? Did they ever get him proper treatment?
You sigh, lying on your back and staring up at the ceiling. All right, you need to get back home as soon as you can, get him to a doctor. You need to make him feel comfortable, completely at home. Could going back there be counterproductive, though? Will he remember it as the place where he last gave up on life?
It will be fine, you tell yourself.
You need to go job hunting as soon as possible, too. Now that his wellbeing is in your hands, you can't just wait until you've drained your life savings. You don't even know how long it will take for him to be able to return to work, or if he ever will be well enough to do so. If it were up to you, he wouldn't ever have to. Maybe you can manage that without killing yourself working.
However, one question remains in your mind: will he leave again as soon as he can? He could have stayed with you in the past… Wait, no, he was already with Yunho when he found you right before you met Changmin. The thought upset you when you found out, no matter how ridiculous it felt-so many years had passed already. This last time, Jaejoong chose to just keep coming and going, until you abandoned him… when he most needed you. You're still kicking yourself for that. He called so insistently, you should have at least listened, but no, you chose to wallow in self-pity. Idiot.
Ugh, why are you even focusing on the past? Only the now and the future should matter.
"Right now, all you can do is be there for him."
Yunho is right, he more than anyone knows this. He gave years to Jaejoong, only he knows what it's like. You know that you'll have to rely on him sometimes, and a part of you hates that; the rest of you is just relieved that you have someone you can turn to. Despite everything you’d hoped for, you're at a loss. It hurts to watch Jaejoong be like this, so different from his usual self.
"He's probably fighting to regain some sense of normalcy right now."
When Yunho told you this, your mind couldn't process it fully. Now that you have so much time to think, you finally realize all the things those words imply.
I need to be patient, you think to yourself. Let him go at his own pace. Don't smother him with unwanted attention. Jaejoong never liked being coddled. Everything will work out fine.
You put your arm around his waist and hold him close, hoping for the best. Adopting any other attitude will be stupid and you promised yourself you wouldn't fuck this up. No, you just need to take this one day at a time.
You close your eyes, hoping sleep will come soon.
Title: Words
"It hasn't changed all that much, has it?"
You're sitting on the sand, watching the sunset. This is your beach, the one you used to sneak out to late at night whenever Jaejoong got the urge. It's just as beautiful and peaceful as you remember.
Today he woke up in better spirits. He ate breakfast and showered early. The TV didn't hold much interest for him-he spent most of the day talking to you, jumping from topic to topic. It was a welcome change from the constant silence and the sound of the TV in the background. You missed hearing his voice and today you got your wish.
You were in the middle of organizing your clothes, getting things ready to leave tomorrow, when you realized he was watching you intently. It was easy to recognize the way he was looking at you, you have seen it so many times throughout the years, mostly back when you were still in school and he wanted something.
"Let's go to the beach," he said. It wasn't a question or a suggestion: it was a command. You stared at him, surprised. How many years had it been since the last time you had gone to that spot on the beach where you had spent so many nights together?
You blinked a few times, folding a shirt and putting it in your suitcase.
"All right."
He was quiet during the drive there, staring out the window. The scenery is different during the day-you went there mostly at night when few people would notice a couple of kids driving a nearly rundown car, so the sight was almost fascinating. Once at your old spot, he got out of the car, gaze fixed on the horizon, until you came up to him. He grabbed your hand and led you closer to shore, asking you to sit with him.
Only minutes later, you're still there, sitting quietly. You watch as the wind plays with his hair, at the way he just seems to be staring at nothing. What is he thinking about? You sigh and look away. This little trip doesn't have to mean anything. So you're back to a place that marked you forever. Is it the same for him?
You choose to follow his lead, staring at the sky as the sun goes down.
"This is where I first kissed you," he says suddenly, smiling slightly. "Right over there." He points at the water. "You were shivering so badly your jaw was trembling." He glances at you. "Do you remember?"
You smile.
"Of course I remember." The memory is still so clear in your mind: his heart beating against yours, his lips pressed to yours in a deep kiss. "I still remember everything about that night like it was yesterday."
He looks away, still smiling.
"I had this huge crush on you back then. I think I loved you already." He hums in thought (while your heart beats fast, just like that night). "I didn't even think about the consequences. What if you punched me? You were such a little asshole back then, talking back all the time."
"Hey!" you protest. "Like you were any better. Do you know how weird it is to have someone follow you home and accost you until you pay attention to him?"
He grins at you, eyes bright with amusement, but then the light fades just as fast. He stares down at the sand.
"I wasn't all right back then. To tell you the truth, I don't know why I did it. I just noticed you one day and decided I wanted to talk to you." He shrugs. "But then, most of the things I've done since I was a kid have been like that: impulsive, thoughtless." He sighs, gazing at the horizon again.
You frown in thought. Is now the right time to ask questions? Or should you just let him speak as he will? You haven't exchanged so many words in such a long time, though. He seems less tired right now, more eager.
"Your sister said some things the few times we spoke," you start, unable to keep quiet. "She said… you did this before."
He snorts, looking almost angry.
"I can imagine all the things she told you. And most are probably true." Jaejoong looks into your eyes. "I attempted suicide when I was fourteen. I spent, I don't know, two weeks in a hospital. And then I was sent home. My parents' response was to take the lock out of my door so that they could keep me under constant supervision. Idiots." He snorts derisively. "So I started sneaking out, sometimes for days at a time."
"Oh." You don't know what to say to that. Didn't his room have a lock the times you went to his house?
"You see," he goes on, "I was like the family secret. I heard things and saw things that weren't there. Every time I got desperate, they refused to help, they kept me shut in the house unless there was no other choice. I tried to hide it when it got bad, but, really, what can a fourteen-year-old in that environment do? I didn't want to die just because, though. I was depressed and feeling hopeless and I couldn't get out of bed. My mother would call me lazy, stupid, a disgrace. I believed all of it, so I fell even further. And then she said it."
He takes a handful of sand, crushing it in his hand.
"What did she say?" you ask softly after a minute.
"I'm not her son. Only my father's." He lets go of the sand, staring down as the tiny grains fall from his hand. "Apparently, I'm the product of an affair he had with some woman I've never met." He shrugs. "It undid me. Everything I'd thought to be true came crashing down around me. And I had nothing and no one to hang on to."
You close your eyes, sighing, sliding your arm around his shoulders. He slumps against you, his head on your shoulder.
"I hate them," he whispers. "Just like they hated me."
Neither of you says anything as the sky darkens around you. You don't want to leave yet, though. It feels so amazing to be here with him again, no matter the circumstances. He sighs as you kiss his forehead. You feel the need to protect him; how you wish you could take all those bad memories away. But then he wouldn't be your Jaejoong, you think, selfishly.
"I met my first boyfriend around that time." You tense somewhat. Do you want to hear about this? "He was a college dropout and he hung around a twenty-four-hour convenience store with his friends. I saw him every time I snuck out. He stood out, I don't know why. And then one night, he called me over." You can almost see the smile on his lips right now. "He was the first person I ever felt really loved me. He brought me home, took care of me. I didn't even care he was in his twenties. After we broke up, he still came to see me sometimes when he knew my parents weren't home."
"Did you love him?" The question falls from your lips unbidden.
He shrugs against you.
"Maybe," he says. "I was… not quite there, if you know what I mean. He's the reason I started drinking, he always gave me stuff. Still, in a way, he saved my life. Just like you did."
"Me?" You snort in disbelief. And the guy gave him alcohol? Never mind that, what was a twenty-something guy doing with a fourteen-year-old? "Hyung, that sounds kind of messed up."
Jaejoong straightens up and gives you a look.
"No kidding," he mocks. You have to grin-he suddenly seems like his usual self. "That's not the point. If he hadn't been there for me during that time, I would have tried to off myself again. And if you hadn't come into my life when you did, I wouldn't be here."
His statement makes you frown.
"You still tried," you say accusingly. He exhales, closing his eyes.
"Yoochun, I… Look, it isn't that simple. I had lost control completely. I didn't even know what I was doing." He shakes his head. "You have no idea how many crazy things I did. I even used to bring boys home just because I knew my sisters hated it, they were so disgusted. Even during that time, just before I left…" He looks away guiltily. Oh. Is he saying what you think he is?
"What do you mean by that?" Your heart beats faster in fear (no matter how often you tell yourself that it doesn't matter, that it's all in the past).
Jaejoong rolls his eyes impatiently.
"You know what I mean! I cheated on you." He seems to feel so guilty, but you still pull away. "There were a couple of boys at school. A few times, when I didn't come to class after lunch…"
"Hyung, just stop. Please." Doesn't he understand that you don't want to know about his sexual escapades?
"I didn't mean to, I swear. Most times… it felt as though I wasn't me, like I was outside myself, and I just did it. I didn't plan on it, I swear."
You take a deep breath, then exhale.
"It's all right," you say (though you're not sure you mean it). "It doesn't matter anymore, it happened years ago." He looks relieved suddenly. "So, that was during the months right before you left?"
He nods.
"I began to push you away. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help myself. I did everything I could to make you angry, I had this awful urge to hurt you." He runs a hand through his wind tousled hair, lips a hard line. "I did it to Yunho, too. Everyone I've ever cared about. Except you two never gave up on me."
"I did," you admit. "This last time, I just wanted you out of my life." A flash of hurt crosses his face. God, he doesn't deserve it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." However, he only shakes his head.
"No, it's fine. I know you did, and I know why you did it. I would have dumped my sorry ass, too." He gives you an apologetic half smile. "I've treated you so horribly."
For some reason, you hate that he's so lucid and rational. Have the two of you ever had a conversation like this before? He looks so tired now, though, so sad. Maybe it's time to go back to the hotel. You're about to suggest just that when he next opens his mouth.
"Thing is, my parents were putting a lot of pressure on me, about school, my behavior, even you." He stares at the sky once again; you watch him, admiring him, like you always have. "I don't even know how it happened. One night after a fight, I just did it. I slit my wrists and waited to die. My parents found me. After that, I knew I had to leave." Jaejoong gazes into your eyes. "I thought it would be better for you, too. You wouldn't have to deal with me anymore."
You bite your lower lip, looking right back at him. No matter what he tells you, you don't think you'll ever understand him nor what he's going through. You can only be patient, you think as you grab his hand.
"Not knowing where you were was worse," you admit. He furrows his brow, looking so sad. No, you don't want him to hurt anymore. "That was so long ago, though. I think I've gotten over it somewhat." It still hurts, but what does it matter when he's sitting right next to you right now? "Can't we start over?" you suggest, brushing dark bangs out of his face. "A new beginning for us?"
He gives you a radiant smile, the tiredness in his eyes dissipating, and he presses his lips to yours.
"A new beginning," he agrees. You're unable to hide a smile as he leans his head on your shoulder, and together you watch as the sun finally sets.
Author: Milena Pandora/milena_1980
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: JaeChun (main), YooSu, YooMin, JaeHo, HoMin, HyukSu
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Warning: Suicidal feelings; suicidal ideation; references to substance abuse; self-harm
Trigger Warning: Self-harm & Suicidal actions
Summary: Soulmates never die
A/N: A series of connected drabbles/ficlets. Not always in chronological order. Title from Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo.
A/N2: Written in second person point-of-view.
Title: Arrow
"Take me away from here."
His lips are chapped and dry, but still, you kiss him softly, brush long bangs off his forehead. His hair is longer now; it reminds you of when you were in school. Teachers always threatened to expel him if he didn't conform to the dress code, but he ignored them. Jaejoong never cared. Just like he never has about anything else.
Until now?
Today, he was awake when you came in to see him. He didn't pretend you weren't there; instead, he smiled at you (or tried to, at least). Throughout the day, he has barely spoken, mainly answering your questions or letting you know he's listening to whatever you're talking about. It seems like all you do is ramble, but you're too happy to care right now. Two days after he first spoke to you, he's awake, alive, out of the hole he had been trapped in.
Just as visiting hours are ending, he speaks softly, meeting your gaze.
"Take me away from here."
Your heart skips a beat. He wants to leave the hospital? With you? It’s what you have been hoping for and yet…
You swallow thickly.
"Your sister wants me out of your life," you tell him honestly, looking into his eyes. "I want to take you home with me, but I can't."
To your surprise, he frowns angrily and moves to push on a button, calling for a nurse. She comes in quickly and glances at both of you.
"I want to see my doctor," he says, voice just above a whisper. She looks shocked-has he not spoken to anyone else?-but nods and leaves the room. Then he turns back to you. "Stay. Listen."
You nod, wondering what he's up to.
The minute the doctor comes into the room, you find out.
"I want out of here," he demands, his voice slightly stronger, louder. "You can't keep me in here, can you?"
The doctor exhales.
"Not until we determine you aren't a danger to yourself anymore."
Jaejoong's dark eyes glint with anger.
"I'm not a danger to myself anymore," he says. "I want to leave."
You sigh, wishing you could believe him. But then something occurs to you.
"What if someone agrees to take care of him? Makes sure he takes his medication, that he eats, that he isn't alone?" you ask. "I will find him a doctor in the city, too."
The doctor stares at you and you just know he's about to ask who you are, but Jaejoong beats you to it.
"He's my real family," he says. Your breath hitches as he holds your hand tightly and looks into your eyes. "I want to go with you."
Title: Home
"If something happens to him, I will hold you responsible," she said as you helped him get dressed. Some of your clothes fit him, so you brought a change for him the day he was discharged. Unsurprisingly, his sister was there, trying to convince her brother not to leave the hospital.
"Leave Yoochun alone," he said. You only ignored her, instead wondering if he was strong enough to walk out. "Go back to your nice little life and keep pretending I don't exist, just like you always have."
He didn't care when her eyes filled with tears, nor when she insisted she just wanted him to be healthy. No, he slid his arm around your neck and held on, pushing you to hurry away from the room and out of the hospital.
Once in your car, he smiled at you. You're sure your relief showed in your face, how could it not? How many days had you been there, hoping? And finally, he was with you.
"Are you hungry?" you ask now, hours later, sitting next to him. He's lying on the bed watching TV, has been since you brought him to the hotel. You didn't expect him to just change once he was out of the hospital; after all, you can see just how tired he feels, the bags under his eyes attest to that. No, he just takes his medication when you remind him, and now you're hoping he'll eat at your urging. "I'll get you anything you want."
He glances at you, eyes bright. He reaches out to you and you take his hand, letting him pull you to him.
"Later," he says softly. "Just stay with me for now."
You sigh, lying behind him and holding him close. You still can't believe he's here with you; you can touch him, kiss him, hear him-even if his voice is still hoarse-just be with him. Sometimes you remember him in the tub, red water surrounding him. God, you don’t think you could go through that again, your heart beats painfully at the thought of losing him. You hold him tighter, begging for the pain in your chest to subside.
"What is it?" he asks, sounding confused (concerned?). Can he even understand what he means to you? What it means to have him back? It doesn't really matter if he does, though.
"I love you," you whisper against his hair. "I've missed you so much."
He puts his hand over yours, holding it close to his chest.
Title: Isolation
"Be right back," you say, opening the door. He only makes a small sound in response. You sigh, walking out of the room.
It doesn't really matter, you think as you go down the stairs and to the lobby. He's with you, he's alive, he's speaking and eating (even if he won't eat as much as he should). You have more than you did even a week ago. Then why do you feel so empty?
You sit in the front seat of your car and turn on the air conditioning. The room upstairs was feeling stifling already, you aren't sure why. You should go back to the city soon. So many things you need to do.
So, what to do now? You consider going for a drive around town, but you don't want to be away from Jaejoong for too long.
Your thoughts are interrupted when your phone rings. Your heart beats fast and you clutch at your chest as you pick it up and look at the caller I.D.
"Yunho," you say, sounding relieved. The two of you haven't spoken since you called to tell him Jaejoong was out of the hospital. "How are you?"
"I'm fine." He sounds like it, too, happy and calm. For a moment, you envy him that. "How are you? And Jaejoong?"
You sigh, wishing you could just lie. However, if you can't speak honestly with him…
"Could be better," you admit. "Jaejoong, he… He's all right, just very tired. He spends the entire day watching TV. He won't eat much." You know you sound frustrated, but you can't hide it. "I want to bring him home."
"Then bring him home," Yunho says, sounding worried. "What are you waiting for?"
You close your eyes. Two days have passed since he left the hospital and you just can't bring yourself to pick up your things and bring him back to the city, to your home, where he can get the care he needs until he's well enough. Something keeps you there, though-fear, maybe?
"I don't know," you admit. You run your hand through your hair, hating that you feel so out of sorts right now, when you most need to be strong. How can you take care of Jaejoong while wallowing in self-doubt and this almost irrational fear?
"Yoochun…" Yunho sighs. If only you could be as strong as he is, so confident; he always acts like he knows exactly what he's doing and he looks like he type of man who would go at anything life threw at him, no matter how challenging. The more you know him, the more you understand why Changmin is attracted to him. Yunho is anything but a coward (he's nothing like you). "I told you it wouldn't be easy," he says. "You yourself knew this. Right now, all you can do is be there for him. He won't just snap out of it. He's probably fighting to regain some sense of normalcy right now."
Yes, but could he? With you?
"I know," you say (though you don't, not really). "I just… I feel helpless. I need to do something!"
"Just be there for him," he repeats. "Trust me."
You sigh and change the topic.
"How is Changmin?" You haven't spoken to him in a couple of days. You feel like such an ingrate, after all he has done for you.
"He's fine. Would you like to talk to him? He's here."
"Tell him I'll call him later? I don't want to leave Jaejoong alone for too long."
"All right."
You hang up soon enough. You close your eyes, feeling overwhelmed suddenly.
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself," you tell yourself. "Yunho warned you, you knew what you were getting into."
It's all you can do: try to convince yourself that you can deal with anything that happens, that you can be strong like Jaejoong needs you to be. It seems to work somewhat; the pressure in your chest eases a bit.
Nevertheless, over an hour passes before you finally go back.
Title: Complicated
"Come on!" he whispers, grabbing your hand and effectively pulling you away from your next class. Hopefully, the teacher won't notice you're gone-you refuse to fight him today. You're feeling tired and miserable, and going against one Kim Jaejoong will only pull you further down.
You spent the weekend at your mother's for the first time in over a year. It seemed like the best opportunity to become closer to your brother and be with your mother (because you miss them so much it hurts). Much to your disappointment, Yoohwan refused to stay in the house while you were there, choosing to spend the weekend with a friend. Your mother tried to stay around, but she was gone as soon as work called for an extra shift (she needs the money, it's that simple). The weekend passed in a blur of silence and loneliness, lying in bed all day, unable to reach your boyfriend (not that he would have cheered you up, as silent as he has been lately). You didn't feel like eating or watching TV. No, it was easier to close your eyes and pretend you were anywhere but there.
Once back at school, you were greeted by an overexcited Jaejoong.
"I missed you!" he said, putting his arm around your shoulders and holding you close. "How was the weekend at mom's?"
You tried to tell him the truth, but you ended up giving him a smile and saying it had been perfect. He didn't believe you, you could tell right away, but you weren't about to confirm his suspicions. Instead, you asked after his weekend.
"It was all right," he said. There was something about the way he said it, how he looked away as he spoke. Had the past couple of days been as miserable for him as they had been for you?
"I don't want to get in trouble," you say now.
"You won't," he assures you (like he always does).
You don't know where he's leading you, but you follow despite your half-hearted protests. Soon enough he opens the door to an empty classroom and locks the door. He grins at you, dropping his book bag on the floor.
"Finally."
He pushes you against a wall and kisses you hard, almost desperately. You can't help but be surprised: he has been so distant lately, pushing you away until you have felt cold and abandoned. It feels like it’s been days and days since he last touched you like this. Why? you wonder. It's like he turns a switch on and off. More than once you have wondered if maybe he has grown bored of you, maybe he doesn't love you anymore, but then he comes at you like this and he pours so much emotion into every kiss and touch, you end up forgetting all about it.
You hold on to him and kiss him with as much fervor. You moan into his mouth when his hands travel down your body, down to your waist and your ass, pulling you flush against him. He's already hard, you can feel him through your clothes; you reach out to touch him, but he stops you.
"No," he says, pulling away from you, suddenly. You gaze at him, chest heaving. The distance hurts and you wonder what he's doing, but then he kneels before you, hands deftly undoing the front of your trousers. The sight nearly undoes you; you gasp, feeling breathless as he pulls your underwear down just enough to bare your hard member. And then his mouth is on you, hot and wet and wonderful. You force your eyes open, watching as your cock disappears into his mouth. How long has it been?
Climax comes abruptly; you bite your lip as each wave of pleasure hits you mercilessly until you're left gasping for air. You feel as he tucks you back in, zips you up, and then his lips are back on yours, now softer, gentler.
He pulls away and looks into your eyes.
"We better get to class," he says. You look at him, confused.
"But, what about-"
"Let's go."
He shoulders his bookbag again and opens the door, looking out for any teachers in the corridors. You follow, knowing that asking won't bring any answers.
Title: Keeps
"I told you it wouldn't be easy."
Yunho's words run around in your mind that night as you lie next to Jaejoong. He fell asleep around nine at night. Now it's two in the morning, but you're still wide awake, watching him (as you have done the past couple of days). Looking at him now, you're reminded of those months before he tried to take his own life. He would fall asleep next to you so easily, put his arm around you and he would sigh happily before giving in to exhaustion. You felt so conflicted then. Jaejoong came in and out of your life as he pleased, but you never stopped thinking about him nor did you stop hoping he would come to you every night.
Months later, there are still so many questions left unanswered: about the past, about his health. You still can't believe that he had attempted suicide just before he abandoned you the first time; the thought still hurts, even if he's next to you right now, alive. Is his illness the only thing to blame, though? You think about his sister, how she was willing to keep him locked up in the hospital, probably for the rest of his life. You doubt she ever intended to take care of him like he needed, just like her family obviously never did. Did they ever make an effort to understand him? Did they ever get him proper treatment?
You sigh, lying on your back and staring up at the ceiling. All right, you need to get back home as soon as you can, get him to a doctor. You need to make him feel comfortable, completely at home. Could going back there be counterproductive, though? Will he remember it as the place where he last gave up on life?
It will be fine, you tell yourself.
You need to go job hunting as soon as possible, too. Now that his wellbeing is in your hands, you can't just wait until you've drained your life savings. You don't even know how long it will take for him to be able to return to work, or if he ever will be well enough to do so. If it were up to you, he wouldn't ever have to. Maybe you can manage that without killing yourself working.
However, one question remains in your mind: will he leave again as soon as he can? He could have stayed with you in the past… Wait, no, he was already with Yunho when he found you right before you met Changmin. The thought upset you when you found out, no matter how ridiculous it felt-so many years had passed already. This last time, Jaejoong chose to just keep coming and going, until you abandoned him… when he most needed you. You're still kicking yourself for that. He called so insistently, you should have at least listened, but no, you chose to wallow in self-pity. Idiot.
Ugh, why are you even focusing on the past? Only the now and the future should matter.
"Right now, all you can do is be there for him."
Yunho is right, he more than anyone knows this. He gave years to Jaejoong, only he knows what it's like. You know that you'll have to rely on him sometimes, and a part of you hates that; the rest of you is just relieved that you have someone you can turn to. Despite everything you’d hoped for, you're at a loss. It hurts to watch Jaejoong be like this, so different from his usual self.
"He's probably fighting to regain some sense of normalcy right now."
When Yunho told you this, your mind couldn't process it fully. Now that you have so much time to think, you finally realize all the things those words imply.
I need to be patient, you think to yourself. Let him go at his own pace. Don't smother him with unwanted attention. Jaejoong never liked being coddled. Everything will work out fine.
You put your arm around his waist and hold him close, hoping for the best. Adopting any other attitude will be stupid and you promised yourself you wouldn't fuck this up. No, you just need to take this one day at a time.
You close your eyes, hoping sleep will come soon.
Title: Words
"It hasn't changed all that much, has it?"
You're sitting on the sand, watching the sunset. This is your beach, the one you used to sneak out to late at night whenever Jaejoong got the urge. It's just as beautiful and peaceful as you remember.
Today he woke up in better spirits. He ate breakfast and showered early. The TV didn't hold much interest for him-he spent most of the day talking to you, jumping from topic to topic. It was a welcome change from the constant silence and the sound of the TV in the background. You missed hearing his voice and today you got your wish.
You were in the middle of organizing your clothes, getting things ready to leave tomorrow, when you realized he was watching you intently. It was easy to recognize the way he was looking at you, you have seen it so many times throughout the years, mostly back when you were still in school and he wanted something.
"Let's go to the beach," he said. It wasn't a question or a suggestion: it was a command. You stared at him, surprised. How many years had it been since the last time you had gone to that spot on the beach where you had spent so many nights together?
You blinked a few times, folding a shirt and putting it in your suitcase.
"All right."
He was quiet during the drive there, staring out the window. The scenery is different during the day-you went there mostly at night when few people would notice a couple of kids driving a nearly rundown car, so the sight was almost fascinating. Once at your old spot, he got out of the car, gaze fixed on the horizon, until you came up to him. He grabbed your hand and led you closer to shore, asking you to sit with him.
Only minutes later, you're still there, sitting quietly. You watch as the wind plays with his hair, at the way he just seems to be staring at nothing. What is he thinking about? You sigh and look away. This little trip doesn't have to mean anything. So you're back to a place that marked you forever. Is it the same for him?
You choose to follow his lead, staring at the sky as the sun goes down.
"This is where I first kissed you," he says suddenly, smiling slightly. "Right over there." He points at the water. "You were shivering so badly your jaw was trembling." He glances at you. "Do you remember?"
You smile.
"Of course I remember." The memory is still so clear in your mind: his heart beating against yours, his lips pressed to yours in a deep kiss. "I still remember everything about that night like it was yesterday."
He looks away, still smiling.
"I had this huge crush on you back then. I think I loved you already." He hums in thought (while your heart beats fast, just like that night). "I didn't even think about the consequences. What if you punched me? You were such a little asshole back then, talking back all the time."
"Hey!" you protest. "Like you were any better. Do you know how weird it is to have someone follow you home and accost you until you pay attention to him?"
He grins at you, eyes bright with amusement, but then the light fades just as fast. He stares down at the sand.
"I wasn't all right back then. To tell you the truth, I don't know why I did it. I just noticed you one day and decided I wanted to talk to you." He shrugs. "But then, most of the things I've done since I was a kid have been like that: impulsive, thoughtless." He sighs, gazing at the horizon again.
You frown in thought. Is now the right time to ask questions? Or should you just let him speak as he will? You haven't exchanged so many words in such a long time, though. He seems less tired right now, more eager.
"Your sister said some things the few times we spoke," you start, unable to keep quiet. "She said… you did this before."
He snorts, looking almost angry.
"I can imagine all the things she told you. And most are probably true." Jaejoong looks into your eyes. "I attempted suicide when I was fourteen. I spent, I don't know, two weeks in a hospital. And then I was sent home. My parents' response was to take the lock out of my door so that they could keep me under constant supervision. Idiots." He snorts derisively. "So I started sneaking out, sometimes for days at a time."
"Oh." You don't know what to say to that. Didn't his room have a lock the times you went to his house?
"You see," he goes on, "I was like the family secret. I heard things and saw things that weren't there. Every time I got desperate, they refused to help, they kept me shut in the house unless there was no other choice. I tried to hide it when it got bad, but, really, what can a fourteen-year-old in that environment do? I didn't want to die just because, though. I was depressed and feeling hopeless and I couldn't get out of bed. My mother would call me lazy, stupid, a disgrace. I believed all of it, so I fell even further. And then she said it."
He takes a handful of sand, crushing it in his hand.
"What did she say?" you ask softly after a minute.
"I'm not her son. Only my father's." He lets go of the sand, staring down as the tiny grains fall from his hand. "Apparently, I'm the product of an affair he had with some woman I've never met." He shrugs. "It undid me. Everything I'd thought to be true came crashing down around me. And I had nothing and no one to hang on to."
You close your eyes, sighing, sliding your arm around his shoulders. He slumps against you, his head on your shoulder.
"I hate them," he whispers. "Just like they hated me."
Neither of you says anything as the sky darkens around you. You don't want to leave yet, though. It feels so amazing to be here with him again, no matter the circumstances. He sighs as you kiss his forehead. You feel the need to protect him; how you wish you could take all those bad memories away. But then he wouldn't be your Jaejoong, you think, selfishly.
"I met my first boyfriend around that time." You tense somewhat. Do you want to hear about this? "He was a college dropout and he hung around a twenty-four-hour convenience store with his friends. I saw him every time I snuck out. He stood out, I don't know why. And then one night, he called me over." You can almost see the smile on his lips right now. "He was the first person I ever felt really loved me. He brought me home, took care of me. I didn't even care he was in his twenties. After we broke up, he still came to see me sometimes when he knew my parents weren't home."
"Did you love him?" The question falls from your lips unbidden.
He shrugs against you.
"Maybe," he says. "I was… not quite there, if you know what I mean. He's the reason I started drinking, he always gave me stuff. Still, in a way, he saved my life. Just like you did."
"Me?" You snort in disbelief. And the guy gave him alcohol? Never mind that, what was a twenty-something guy doing with a fourteen-year-old? "Hyung, that sounds kind of messed up."
Jaejoong straightens up and gives you a look.
"No kidding," he mocks. You have to grin-he suddenly seems like his usual self. "That's not the point. If he hadn't been there for me during that time, I would have tried to off myself again. And if you hadn't come into my life when you did, I wouldn't be here."
His statement makes you frown.
"You still tried," you say accusingly. He exhales, closing his eyes.
"Yoochun, I… Look, it isn't that simple. I had lost control completely. I didn't even know what I was doing." He shakes his head. "You have no idea how many crazy things I did. I even used to bring boys home just because I knew my sisters hated it, they were so disgusted. Even during that time, just before I left…" He looks away guiltily. Oh. Is he saying what you think he is?
"What do you mean by that?" Your heart beats faster in fear (no matter how often you tell yourself that it doesn't matter, that it's all in the past).
Jaejoong rolls his eyes impatiently.
"You know what I mean! I cheated on you." He seems to feel so guilty, but you still pull away. "There were a couple of boys at school. A few times, when I didn't come to class after lunch…"
"Hyung, just stop. Please." Doesn't he understand that you don't want to know about his sexual escapades?
"I didn't mean to, I swear. Most times… it felt as though I wasn't me, like I was outside myself, and I just did it. I didn't plan on it, I swear."
You take a deep breath, then exhale.
"It's all right," you say (though you're not sure you mean it). "It doesn't matter anymore, it happened years ago." He looks relieved suddenly. "So, that was during the months right before you left?"
He nods.
"I began to push you away. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help myself. I did everything I could to make you angry, I had this awful urge to hurt you." He runs a hand through his wind tousled hair, lips a hard line. "I did it to Yunho, too. Everyone I've ever cared about. Except you two never gave up on me."
"I did," you admit. "This last time, I just wanted you out of my life." A flash of hurt crosses his face. God, he doesn't deserve it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." However, he only shakes his head.
"No, it's fine. I know you did, and I know why you did it. I would have dumped my sorry ass, too." He gives you an apologetic half smile. "I've treated you so horribly."
For some reason, you hate that he's so lucid and rational. Have the two of you ever had a conversation like this before? He looks so tired now, though, so sad. Maybe it's time to go back to the hotel. You're about to suggest just that when he next opens his mouth.
"Thing is, my parents were putting a lot of pressure on me, about school, my behavior, even you." He stares at the sky once again; you watch him, admiring him, like you always have. "I don't even know how it happened. One night after a fight, I just did it. I slit my wrists and waited to die. My parents found me. After that, I knew I had to leave." Jaejoong gazes into your eyes. "I thought it would be better for you, too. You wouldn't have to deal with me anymore."
You bite your lower lip, looking right back at him. No matter what he tells you, you don't think you'll ever understand him nor what he's going through. You can only be patient, you think as you grab his hand.
"Not knowing where you were was worse," you admit. He furrows his brow, looking so sad. No, you don't want him to hurt anymore. "That was so long ago, though. I think I've gotten over it somewhat." It still hurts, but what does it matter when he's sitting right next to you right now? "Can't we start over?" you suggest, brushing dark bangs out of his face. "A new beginning for us?"
He gives you a radiant smile, the tiredness in his eyes dissipating, and he presses his lips to yours.
"A new beginning," he agrees. You're unable to hide a smile as he leans his head on your shoulder, and together you watch as the sun finally sets.