Attempts to feeling happy thoughts
WELL, since I seem to be having very very negative thoughts, I'm going to have to force myself to make a post that tells myself good qualities I have. Somehow I don't think jumping into the Milwaukee River is the answer I'm looking for.
I'm a nice person who is really patient and helps other people with their troubles. I like to teach, draw, read, write, sing, dance, and be silly for no good reason. My hair is thicker than anyone else's I know and it is the envy of many girls that I have met. I also have hazel eyes, which when I really get right down to it, is a personal favorite feature I have.
My goals are big and killing myself will not make them come true.
1) I want to publish Carnelian. This is very important. I have made a promise to myself to not die until that story was finished, no matter what problem came my way. Even really horrible depression.
2) I want to have/adopt a beautiful little girl and raise her with all my heart.
3) I want to create a scholarship prgram for promising young comic book authors and illustrators.
4) I want to own my own publishing company or have my own comic studio with my own staff.
5) I want to be able to inspire those around me to create.
6) I want to travel to another country that is not connected to the U.S. In particular, I want to visit places with very peaceful surroundings or really good food.
7) I want to one day meet my friends on LJ. I don't want to pass on without meeting one of them at least once.
8) I want to go to every state in the U.S. before I'm 25. (I have 38 states right now)
9) I want to see the California Red Woods and meet Julia Butterfly Hill's Luna.
10) I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. (but doesn't everyone?)
11) I want to build a house for my parents that has a two story wrap around porch and a two story library with a spiral stair case, a wrap around ladder on both floors, and a room that has a lot of windows, some with stained glass and others without and hundreds of pillows on the floor.
*sigh* Still have to continue.
Traits I like about myself:
-independent
-caring
-possibly selfless
-wise
-honest
-imaginative
-quirky
-determined
-outgoing
-whimsical
-analytical
-female
-small hands, small feet
Things that I am proud of myself for doing:
-being honest
-being supportive
-not being greedy when I can help it
-tap dancing for 15 years
-winning 5 awards in my senior year of HS for art
-winning 2nd place for my sculpture from Sloss
-helping others
-volunteering at food pantries and visiting retirement homes
-getting a bull's eye twice, once by popping a balloon in the direct center (20 meters the first time, 40 meters the second w/balloon)
-playing Twlight Princess without looking at the book unless I really need to
-working hard on my story and never giving up, even when I tell myself that it's hopeless
-never acting less than I am; not allowing myself to succumb to serious acts of dishonor like lying about others, cheating on a significant other
-jumping off a diving board for the first time even though it took me three tries to get up to the top
-being in a play in which I actually had more than a line
-being able to watch others get awards for accomplishments and be genuinely happy for them
-learning, with a great deal of practice, how to make realistic portraits
-cooking for the first time
-being able to tell stories that people are interested in reading
-conquering my fear of the dark
I really don't want to do something as irrational as killing myself. It's not going to help anything and there are a lot of people that would be really upset if I did do it. Even one person being upset about my thinking this way proves that I need to stay alive.
Heh. I think my consulor is gonna get mad because I'm supposed to call when I'm feeling this way, but for right now my Livejournal is gonna work fine.
And now for the "positive affirmation" that my friend Tracy told me that I have to start doing:
I am a great person.
I am worth it.
My opinion does matter.
I am loved.
She says that even if I don't believe it, I need to say words like that to myself everyday. I will try. No guarantees, since I know me, but I will try.
I am not sorry for typing this post. I am not sorry for typing this post. I am not sorry for typing this post.
I'm a nice person who is really patient and helps other people with their troubles. I like to teach, draw, read, write, sing, dance, and be silly for no good reason. My hair is thicker than anyone else's I know and it is the envy of many girls that I have met. I also have hazel eyes, which when I really get right down to it, is a personal favorite feature I have.
My goals are big and killing myself will not make them come true.
1) I want to publish Carnelian. This is very important. I have made a promise to myself to not die until that story was finished, no matter what problem came my way. Even really horrible depression.
2) I want to have/adopt a beautiful little girl and raise her with all my heart.
3) I want to create a scholarship prgram for promising young comic book authors and illustrators.
4) I want to own my own publishing company or have my own comic studio with my own staff.
5) I want to be able to inspire those around me to create.
6) I want to travel to another country that is not connected to the U.S. In particular, I want to visit places with very peaceful surroundings or really good food.
7) I want to one day meet my friends on LJ. I don't want to pass on without meeting one of them at least once.
8) I want to go to every state in the U.S. before I'm 25. (I have 38 states right now)
9) I want to see the California Red Woods and meet Julia Butterfly Hill's Luna.
10) I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. (but doesn't everyone?)
11) I want to build a house for my parents that has a two story wrap around porch and a two story library with a spiral stair case, a wrap around ladder on both floors, and a room that has a lot of windows, some with stained glass and others without and hundreds of pillows on the floor.
*sigh* Still have to continue.
Traits I like about myself:
-independent
-caring
-possibly selfless
-wise
-honest
-imaginative
-quirky
-determined
-outgoing
-whimsical
-analytical
-female
-small hands, small feet
Things that I am proud of myself for doing:
-being honest
-being supportive
-not being greedy when I can help it
-tap dancing for 15 years
-winning 5 awards in my senior year of HS for art
-winning 2nd place for my sculpture from Sloss
-helping others
-volunteering at food pantries and visiting retirement homes
-getting a bull's eye twice, once by popping a balloon in the direct center (20 meters the first time, 40 meters the second w/balloon)
-playing Twlight Princess without looking at the book unless I really need to
-working hard on my story and never giving up, even when I tell myself that it's hopeless
-never acting less than I am; not allowing myself to succumb to serious acts of dishonor like lying about others, cheating on a significant other
-jumping off a diving board for the first time even though it took me three tries to get up to the top
-being in a play in which I actually had more than a line
-being able to watch others get awards for accomplishments and be genuinely happy for them
-learning, with a great deal of practice, how to make realistic portraits
-cooking for the first time
-being able to tell stories that people are interested in reading
-conquering my fear of the dark
I really don't want to do something as irrational as killing myself. It's not going to help anything and there are a lot of people that would be really upset if I did do it. Even one person being upset about my thinking this way proves that I need to stay alive.
Heh. I think my consulor is gonna get mad because I'm supposed to call when I'm feeling this way, but for right now my Livejournal is gonna work fine.
And now for the "positive affirmation" that my friend Tracy told me that I have to start doing:
I am a great person.
I am worth it.
My opinion does matter.
I am loved.
She says that even if I don't believe it, I need to say words like that to myself everyday. I will try. No guarantees, since I know me, but I will try.
I am not sorry for typing this post. I am not sorry for typing this post. I am not sorry for typing this post.