The days move forward
Guster is trying to sleep on my head. He's both affectionate, and probably a little cold.
So we have moved into the last month of 2020. What a crazy year, amIright? [no shit].
For whatever reason, the Book of Face sent me some memories from a trip to South Africa. I had taken my partner there for his 50th birthday back in 2014. By December 2018, though, we had broken up amicably earlier in the year but were in the process of slowly seeing if reconcilation was possible. And specifcally on this date, December 1, 2018, I learned by accident that my partner had been in a relationship with another person that had been a friend of mine for over 13 years. They had been finding time together, behind my back, for close to a year and a half a year at that point but I suspect it was going on for much longer (although he would likely deny that to this day, the way he denied everything until I showed him proof).
So on December 1, 2018, I realized that we weren't going to reconcile as a couple, but I gave it a couple of months to confirm that we weren't going to be able to co-exist as even casual aquaintances. My ex said all the right things, that he manipulated me, deceived me into thinking things were good, and admitted he never communicated any issues with me. If anything, he stepped up his game to make me think things were good, coming around to my marriage proposal, while he was building up a new relationship behind my back. But once I found out his years of deception, and despite his words telling me I was victim of his lies, all he could do for those last two months was act like he was the victim, and continue to lie and deceive me. So after all of that, I figured better to cut ties than invest in someone that couldn't show a modicum of respect or integrity towards me. To this day, I think he agreed to consider reconcilation because while he certainly has a rapport with the person he's with now, he recognized he was losing a lot more from our breakup. But it doesn't matter, because it's done.
So today, I see the book of face, photos of us in happy times, and I think of the roller coaster of emotions that period of life brought me. And now, mostly what I feel is relief, with a little twinge of sadness, that I am in a very different place in my life. Sad because of how it ended, sad because of how he acted, but relief that I'm in such a different world now. It took a couple years, for sure, but even if I'll always be a little sad over how it all ended just means that the relationship mattered to me.
I look back at how I handled the whole situation, the breakup, the attempted reconcilation, learning the truth, and disengaging from someone that I still madly loved and had loved for a decade. I got a condo, a new job, a dog, kept most of the mutual friends and made new ones. Opening up to casual fun, dating, and eventually a new, young relationship. The process certainly hurt, and I still have bits of sadness and anger. It has taken effort, but time has mellowed those harsh feelings.
Moving forward.